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it's them it's him

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Happy Birthday Nakajima Atsushi-sensei!

To celebrate Nakajima Atsushi’s birthday here are his top three quotes from my blog:

Quote #3:

He endures that entire tragedy and then still bravely goes on to seek the good and the beautiful.

- Nakajima Atsushi, “On Admiration: Notes by the Monk Wujing” from The Moon over the Mountain and Other Stories

Quote #2:

I suddenly began to wonder if I was happy. But then I have no idea of what happiness means, because it is beyond self-consciousness.

- Nakajima Atsushi, Light, Wind, and Dreams

Quote #1:

Little by little I grew apart from the world and distant from others. I fed my cowardly self-respect with dollops of rage, shame, and self-pity. We are all of us trainers of wild beasts, it is said, and the beasts in question are our own inner selves. In my case, the beast inside was my self-important sense of shame. That was my tiger, and it damaged me, brought sorrow to my wife and children, wounded my friends, and, in the end, changed my outward form into this animal that befits my inward state. I realized now that I wasted what little talent I had.

- Nakajima Atsushi, “The Moon Over The Mountain” from The Moon Over the Mountain Short Story Collection

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i'm going so insane over bsd 123 it needs to be studied.

(spoilers below)

first off, ueda. i don't even know why but i'm just like. attached. already. after three lines i've created a version of him in my head that could be totally inaccurate and yet it's eating my brain. the potential goes so crazy.

then atsushi. i mean my brain is constantly atsushi atsushi atsushi but now. AAAAAAA. yelling at the director, rejecting him, growing and getting over his trauma - he's doing it all and i'm so happy i can't even describe it. and there's still the attachment. THE LOOK ON HIS FACE AFTER "I'LL BE GONE. AS EARLY AS TODAY, EVEN" despite it all, despite everything he's done that's his FATHER, man. the contrast between beast atsushi who can't leave the orphanage until he breaks the watch and gets over his attachment, and canon atsushi who's getting there but he's not fully there. he's so close to being rid of him yet at the last moment he's not certain. he doesn't know if he can be without him. i.

and don't even get me started on the sskk. both getting over their trauma, and just everything akutagawa said in that chapter. thinking of ATSUSHI, not of dazai. barely reacting to his own imminent death, remembering atsushi's words.

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saying “i want him” about the character but not in a romantic or sexual way . i just Require him i need to Obtain him

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some warmth for atsushi because he has suffered enough

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Literature is neither technique nor business. It is a motive force of society, a force that is more in touch with the fundamental principles of human life. That is why we study literature.

Natsume Sōseki, Sanshirō

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[Podfic] My Shovel Tells a Secret and Hollow Ripples by A_ToastToTheOutcasts

This is a podfic series of @toasty-writing's series to forget is unforgivable. So far, the first two installments in the series are posted! Please check out the original series and leave your comments and give kudos to the original series! And thank you @toasty-writing for allowing me to podfic your series!

[Podfic] My Shovel Tells a Secret

Rating: Mature Length: 50:12 Warning: Graphic Depictions of Violence, Major Character Death, Mentions of Suicide --- Summary:

The heroes say he did amazing, getting out of that villain's grasp. That he had a bright future ahead of him. That he had been a hero .

Katsuki knows the truth. It keeps him up at night along with the eyes staring at the back of his head.

He didn't get out of that slime by himself. There had been a hand reaching out to him. Gnarled with burns and damp with tears, it grabbed him by the wrist and pulled him out.

Katsuki didn't see the rest of its body. He hopes he never will.

[Podfic] Hollow Ripples

Rating: Not Rated Length: 35:30 Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

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Summary:

The only reason Shouta didn’t die is because Bakugou is a terrible listener, and the only reason Bakugou’s alive is because of a dead boy.

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The aftermath of the USJ.

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Sskk is one of the most emotional rivalries/ships I have ever seen. It is a relationship that actually hits the heart. Skk is iconic. Kyoukenji is cute. Fyolai is poetic. HiguGin is heartwarming. But sskk?

Sskk is deeper than all these dynamics. The more you get into it the more parallels you see, the more symbolism you see. The things they say to each other both stings at times and also makes you cry.

Akutagawa is both at his best and worst whenever he is around Atsushi. And the more the story goes on the less bitter he becomes.

Atsushi despises Akutagawa but he still works with him, because working with Akutagawa makes him more secure, feel as if someone's got his back.

"Don't worry, go you fool"

"That's why Dazai-san left you"

"Just the two of us?"

"Do we need more?"

Akutagawa and Atsushi support and help each other. They work as a team. Putting their differences apart

Because they are quite similar, looking for one thing; reassurance and praise

They have had difficult childhoods with no parental guidance and they grew up to be very different in terms of personality because of their unique circumstances.

All of these emotions. All of this pain in them. That keeps them separate but it also brings them together. Because that's the thing that they both understand. What's it like to have nothing. And they fight because they just want to be a part of something.

And maybe in one universe where Dazai never brought them together, they might be the best of friends like they were always supposed to.

It doesn't matter how their relationship is, soulmates will always find each other.

After all the only person Akutagawa has smiled at besides his sister-------is Atsushi

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OK correct me if I'm wrong, but I feel like the main 'yin/yang' parallel with Atsushi and Akutagawa is not something like 'this one is bad but secretly has a good side and this one is good but secretly has a bad side'.

I feel like it's more about 'who they are at their core vs who they choose to be'.

At his core Akutagawa is kind and at his core Atsushi is not. But despite this Atsushi tries every day to make the kinder choices and I love him so much for it. He has to work so hard to be good.

He wants to be a bitch SO bad I know he does but he tries his best to help people and be nice (sometimes he fails but that's OK <3)

Atsushi doesn't always WANT to help people, a lot of the time he's selfish and scared, but he does help people anyway. He keeps helping people over and over again. There's still some selfish motivation to it, and his initial motivation for helping people was because the headmaster told him that's all he was worth, but overall he does care about the people he helps and it weighs on him if he fails to save them. And of course, as the series goes on he starts helping people more because he can rather than because he feels like he needs to.

In Akutagawa's case, he's still capable of being kind but his environment led him into being someone who chooses to hurt people. But he's always been a protector at heart. In the start he was bad compared to Atsushi because he was choosing to hurt people and keep the cycle of abuse going. Just like how Atsushi developed in why he saved people, Akutagawa starts to get redeemed when he chooses to not just act on his rage. Not only does he start to spare people, but he speaks more kindly to them (apologising to Higuchi and telling Kyouka he's proud of her). It all culminates into the moment he chooses to help Atsushi and sacrifice himself for him, going back to his core value of being a protector. Even when he's finally revived, he keeps this role in his new position as Aya's Knight.

I kind of see the streaks of white in Akutagawa and the streaks of black in Atsushi not as their 'hidden sides' but as their fundamental selfs. That's who they are at their core, and their main colours (black for Akutagawa and white for Atsushi) are how they're presented to everyone else and how they try to have people see them as.

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away with you

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fool

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見ざる | 聞かざる | 言わざる see no evil | hear no evil | speak no evil i finished this a while ago and then forgot to post it (￣-￣|||)