bellahuntitled - Tumblr blog

[bellahuntitled]

Give free expression to

I woke up and decided to minimize the number of social media platforms I have access to for the next month or however long I feel. This was definitely both an impulsive and well thought out decision. Iv been doing a lot of internal work on myself and I noticed that I consume a lot of purposeless and vain content from the internet and that’s entirely my fault. I know most of us do it, whether we…

[bellahuntitled]

“Girl get out of my way”

I’m big on talking myself out of doing things that I want to get done, done. It could be anything from doing laundry the day I say I will, jogging consistently everyday to writing and publishing a blog post. I have about 5 different blog post drafts sitting in my note pad since the last time I published something. I haven’t gotten to publishing any of them, because I overthink it, then I end up…

[bellahuntitled]

Rest... It’s okay.

Rest… It’s okay.

Soooo… as we’re all aware, most of the world is currently under self quarantine, because of the COVID-19 pandemic. Earth is bleeding (read as coughing) and the only way we can ALL help is by staying at home for most of the day and practicing good basic hygiene. Who would’ve thought hey.

When the president announced that the country would be shutting down for almost a month I just thought, ohhh…

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I hate it here.

[bellahuntitled]

Heal.

[bellahuntitled]

When ever someone asks me what my biggest fear is, the list always includes rejection. People often confuse this with failure whereas they’re not the same thing. By definition Rejection/reject “something/person or thing that has been set aside as inferior in quality” and failure/fail “prove to be unsuccessful”. So you see...

I had never really been sure about what I want do or be when I grow up until I got to University. I was enrolled to complete a degree in Oral health Sciences and become an Oral Hygienist. At the time I had very little knowledge about the degree and caree. Long story sort, I fell in love with Dentistry and the intricacies there off. My mentor at the time encouraged me to apply to study Dentistry. I spoke to my mother and she was very supportive. I’ve never wanted something for myself the way I wanted to get into Dental school and that scared me. I was scared that I was opening myself up to one of my biggest fears. I made myself vulnerable. Days before I was supposed to get my acceptance/rejection email I was listening to a speech by Oprah Winfrey about manifestation and she said “meet the vibration. You cannot want something so much you fear you won’t get it. Put it out there and let it go. Prepare yourself to be there and be ready when it shows up”. Those words I felt we’re directed at me by the universe. I felt comfort and I was hopeful.

I recived an email and it read “we regret to inform you that your application has been rejected due to limited space”. At that very moment I felt as though I had been hit by a cosh. I don’t think I can recall a time my heart has ever felt heavier than it did right then. I had to be alone so I closed myself in the lunch room at work and I let my eyes bleed. I’m not quite sure how to deal with this emotion and I’m sure I want to. I find myself tearing up every time the thought finds its way back into my head.

I don’t want to hear that God/the universe has something greater planned out for me when it has denied me my biggest dream. I want to be a Dentist for me that’s where I belong. I don’t want to hear that it’s going to be okay, because no it’s not. I will never be okay. Where do I go from here... my heart is filled with so much fear. This question has been the theme of my thoughts lately and I still wonder.

[bellahuntitled]

It’s her. Yes, I’m that girl that journals all her emotions down, cause most times ink to paper is the closest thing she has to a best friend.

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I want/need to feel like I can be more honest about how I feel about you, but I’m scared. I’m scared I’ll say the wrong things that might make you cringe.I’m scared that I might come off as aggressive because of my passion. I’m scared I might lose you and lose a part of me along with you. I lost you once and I don’t think I’d be able to live passed it if I’d lose you again. So how do I let you know. Who do I tell.

[bellahuntitled]

You know better

I knew... my gut has never lied to me,so I knew, but I chose to give you the benefit of the doubt. I gave you a chance to prove me wrong even though I knew

[bellahuntitled]

Come quickly, I’m tasting the stars ✨

[bellahuntitled]

Notification

*him*

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She belongs to a world that exists only in her dreams and his

[bellahuntitled]

Holding My Breath

Sometimes I wish I could breathe

I wish that I could look in the mirror and like what I see

I wish I could finally be me, unapologetically

And not be filled with so much anxiety

What they don't know is that I've been holding my breath

Doing everything they tell me is best

But now I have no more energy left

They say I'm different now, that I've changed

But how can they suck me dry and expect for me to remain the same

I'm spent.

There's very little of me left.

Now what am I supposed to do?

Sit around and pretend everything's good, like the rest of you?

I'd rather not.

I'm not okay.

And I shouldn't be shamed into saying that I am just to make you more comfortable

I'm tired of trying to hold it all together

But I know that when my pieces fall and crash, no one will have my back

So I'll keep holding my breath and watching my step

Hoping one day I'll be able to breathe again and finally be me again

[bellahuntitled]

Paper hearts

I’ve been looking for you.

Ever since I felt like I had lost you, I’ve been looking for you.

I looked in everyone’s eyes to find that same warm feeling that yours gave me when you looked at me. I listened to 1000 songs to find the words that you once said to me. I kissed every frog I thought was worth kissing hoping you, my Prince Charming would find me. I tried to find you before you begin to fade from my memory. I hold on to the way you made me feel, it’s frozen in my head. I live through the pictures and memories we made, trying to remember all the good times as if I was right there by your side, hoping you don’t forget.

It’s you, it’s always been you and now that I know what I’ve always known...I feel paralyzed. The place you hold in my heart is so vital and I’m afraid that I’ll make a mistake. I’m afraid I’ll make a mistake and break your heart and lose the only thing that has ever made sense.

Ps.

*nose rubs*

[bellahuntitled]

Do I know you?

“If you know me, you’ll know I do this a lot” , “if you know me, you’ll know I say this a lot”. Random phase I had in my head all morning when I was trying to figure out who I’d call my “bestie” if I had a gun to my head.

It’s funny how I have nobody to call besides my mom when I’m in trouble. I’ve developed a few friendships over the years and non of them feel safe enough for me to call home. I guess it all starts with letting your guard down and allowing people in, make them feel at home with hopes of future reciprocity... plot twist is that people don’t know how to act. They don’t treat you the way they’d like to be treated.

Sooo me? I take my weird self and I run a social experiment.

Title: Let’s be mates

Aim: Make potential long term mates

Method: Reciprocating the energy I get from the other patty

Disclaimer: I was absolutely myself the entire time. I did not pretend nor try to be what I thought they expected me to be. I did everything that felt ok within the “energy spectrum”. Basically I wasn’t doing too much Labour(bending over backwards).

Conclusion: social interactions and relationships are all different, because people are different. Just because one person acts a certain way, it doesn’t mean we should all conform. Relationships in their entirety are all unique so don’t expect party A to react/act the way party B does to sutuations and as long as you are with people you’ll always have to compromise.Learn to be understanding and stop being a bitch😚

[bellahuntitled]

Confidently lost

Sabrina Claudio