betterafterdeath

[betterafterdeath]

everything is nothing

I thought I was nothing. I still think I am, but I know you are now nothing too. 

I haven’t taken the time to do this. I knew this was what I had to do in order to finally take this in. Nothing is official till I write it down. Tethering all my thoughts together with a few commas and periods. It’s the last thing I have. 

Yes, this has fucked me up. I have started to have dreams of you repeating those words, or texting me for forgiveness, texting me words of hatred or simply haunting me. These dreams have begun to spill. Spill into other relationships, as now I dream they all texted me the same words you did. 

The thing is, the dreams, I can handle. Small setbacks to my mornings, but the pain will slowly drift. It was the lie. The lie, I cannot. That lie you kept was just a lie to you, but a solid emotional foundation for me growing up. It was something that I never believed possible. Which, now looking back, younger me was probably right. 

You as a friend made me believe in something real, not just spoken words. People said they loved me, they did not. You helped me learn that there are people who loved me for me and I never had that growing up. I really believed in that shit. 

That’s where I am fucked. It is not losing a friend, I understood that and accepted it. I do not want you back in my life. I want no part of you near me. I want you to not know a thing about me, and I want you to erase my name from your memory. You do not deserve to know me. I should not have trusted you the way I did. But you gave me no doubt. You fucking fooled me and feel so stupid now. You made me believe in it and ended it with a simple “it was almost real.” How insensitive you are will always baffle me. 

This was my first and only form of deep emotional connection with someone. It was always hard for me to open up to people because I was always scared. You were always there. I know what this means to me now. I try to tell myself to not think like that, but these fucking thoughts have flooded my head that tells me to quit before it gets worse. I know it will. It has started to already. 

My feelings have continued to build up inside. I have no one. My mind won’t let me forget that. When I’m with my friends I hear a stupid voice in my head telling me I have no one, that I am truly alone. I’ve been having a lot of anxiety attacks. I can’t function properly. I don’t want to go out anymore. I feel sick when I am out with people. I feel pressured and scared. Breathing feels like a fucking chore. I can’t stop fucking shaking. My body is always ready to run away. I want to cry and am always so close to it. I feel so broken. 

I have no one. The people I’m am closest too don’t want to hear about my thoughts, nor could they handle them. That isn’t something I am mad about though. I completely understand. I found security in the idea that at least I had one person in my life I could be completely honest with. That’s not true anymore. Now, I am alone. I’m alone and scared, but I have to learn to live with it. 

Maybe, there is some good in this. I can relearn how to be independent. To build me back up mentally. I need to get back into the habit of writing. Maybe I can learn how to be fine with it being my only form of pure expression and honesty. It’s possible. I can try.

As of now, I need to learn to be alive again. wish me luck, it’s the least you could do. 

[betterafterdeath]

AHHHHHHH

my heart started beating faster

[betterafterdeath]

i want to cry

That flattering feeling is because of you, everything is so good

[betterafterdeath]

my baby makes me happy

dino ✧ comeback relay interview

[betterafterdeath]

lee chan, I would let you win anything if it meant more smiles n cute dances 🥺

[betterafterdeath]

maybe i like the color pink

you don’t wear makeup

— i don’t

you’re very pretty

a tide of pink brushed across your face

you’re hands moved quickly to hide it

i’m sorry

you looked down and fanned your face

why are you reacting this way?

you looked back at me and quickly looked away

fanning faster in hopes to blow away the soft shade

i laughed because your reaction was unexpected

but so was my comment

it came out on its own

i am sorry

but i said what i said

and it wasn’t a lie

[betterafterdeath]

for me to understand

you’re not real from the screen you’ll never be real I blush when I see you you’re not real you stand in front of me I know this can’t be real you’re making me shy but you’re not real I’m holding your hand you can’t be real? dark black this isn’t real bright red this isn’t real I’m kissing you this can’t be real I’m sweating It’s not real you’re gone it’s wasn’t real but…there you are . . what are you

[betterafterdeath]

just another thought

Once again I find myself craving some form of emotional release. I’m unsure what I’m feeling right at this moment. A somber feeling maybe? If I was being honest, I’ve been feeling empty recently, but not to the extent of it being a problem. Anyways, I want to write about many things, as I have many heavy thoughts floating around in my mind, but one thing has been coming up frequently. This note has no format, so read in the same way you’d drink a glass of water. I had a disturbing dream last night. Someone I know was in it and that alone made me weirdly okay... anyways in the dream we were together and drove off in a bright red car. I was comfortable. It was something that was very odd. It's not something I want to think into deeper yet. The girl isn’t the part I’d like to share, but the dream. I do not know how I feel about that. Being with someone. That is a lot of pressure, having to allow someone to have me in that way. No one has ever had me like that if I were to be completely honest…I’m proud of it. People, (only one) have been close. I’ve changed since then though, I excuse/don’t even acknowledge that really happened, that was a broken me. So honestly, no one has ever had me in that way. I’ve never loved, I’ve never truly liked, no one has moved me. Moving on, I don’t like having people anywhere near that side of me. The idea of someone thinking that they and I have/had a “thing” going on, disgusts me. I get so angry when someone shares something about me that they think I’d only did for them because they’re “special”. I do apologize, but you are nothing to me. I show you what I want because you are not someone who I am going to allow myself to fall into. No one is that special…well…maybe dream girl. Yet, I’m bored. It’s not like I purposely I don’t want anyone to move me, it’s that no one is capable too. It sucks too. I like that no one can say, “yeah, she liked me” but it's sad on my part. I wish to feel all that sappy shit. I want to take someone out on a date, but no one gives me that urge. No one is different, everyone is the same, no one can make me feel that way…well…maybe dream gir—I should stop here.

[betterafterdeath]

short I don’t like being happy around you I don’t like smiling at the memory of you but I still do and that is why i am lost and confused

sexuality and a hidden message I have no interest in you at least I don’t think i do you strangely still manage to catch my attention this whole thing is apart of a larger ordeal to think I’d have to add a title to what I feel pains me and strains me. Like a strong link of steel that clasp around my wrist. I wish to run or hide. I can’t there is no hiding from this from you do I like you? could I like you? why do I have to answer that I don’t want to so I will continue to ignore this question it’s all I’m willing to do

[betterafterdeath]

tell me, please you know. at least I would think you did being aware of my past and my fear; losing what I wish to keep holding on to what I must let go saving what is lost but is it lost? could you at least tell me that? am I at least worthy of that or am I left to assume like always

sexuality and a hidden message I have no interest in you at least I don’t think i do you strangely still manage to catch my attention this whole thing is apart of a larger ordeal to think I’d have to add a title to what I feel pains me and strains me. Like a strong link of steel that clasp around my wrist. I wish to run or hide. I can’t there is no hiding from this from you do I like you? could I like you? why do I have to answer that I don’t want to so I will continue to ignore this question it’s all I’m willing to do

[betterafterdeath]

sexuality and a hidden message I have no interest in you at least I don’t think i do you strangely still manage to catch my attention this whole thing is apart of a larger ordeal to think I’d have to add a title to what I feel pains me and strains me. Like a strong link of steel that clasp around my wrist. I wish to run or hide. I can’t there is no hiding from this from you do I like you? could I like you? why do I have to answer that I don’t want to so I will continue to ignore this question it’s all I’m willing to do

[betterafterdeath]

i’m nothing.

that’s a lie.

i’m no one.

i can’t be nothing

because i am something to everyone around me. an ear to listen to everything, a ride, a body that does everything for everyone.

but i am no one.

at the end of the day i go home alone as no one.

after i’m done making sure everyone is alright i am reminded that i am no one.

i can’t be not okay, because i am no one.

my feelings won’t be acknowledged, because i am no one.

my feelings won’t be hurt, because i am no one.

so i can’t get hurt because i am no one and no one cares.

[betterafterdeath]

i wrote something.

[betterafterdeath]

lee chan: “screw jackets”

[betterafterdeath]

みさも♡

[betterafterdeath]

you don’t understand your power or maybe you do.

poison falls from your lips.

ive wondered about how’ve you let it.

have you ever tried to push it back with your fingertips?

or do you allow it to fall out smoothly and quick

i wonder? do you feel the sting too?

when the poison falls onto another,

does it ever affect you?

or do you watch what’s it done to the other?

do you like the power you feel?

when you see what your words can do.

is it like a tasty meal?

something delicious and new.

words are powerful, but that’s not news to you.

i just wish i didn’t give yours importance

but that’s something i’m struggling to do

i’m not strong or well balanced

but i try to be stable to survive against you.

i’m falling sick.

i guess your poison has made its way through.

this is it.

there is no antidote. so there’s only one thing left to do.

[betterafterdeath]

don’t

i wish to see sky’s of blue

but my dreams are full of darkness and red

isn’t it weird that a dream changed it all?

before the dark clouds changed the skies hue

and before all the flowers were left for dead

i wished nothing but a nice fall

but spring is coming soon and there is not much i can do

still every night the same dream fills my head

but in there i’m not so small

so rest up is what i’ll do

please lay me in bed