bewb-bees-blog

[bewb-bees-blog]

Check out my first ever public crochet process/tutorial video! I’ll be doing more of these over time. :) You can also get the text version of the pattern over at my Etsy: https://www.etsy.com/listing/645261061/squid-amigurumi-crochet-pdf-download

[bewb-bees-blog]

Unsure of Anything

I started a tumblr account because I just needed to get my thoughts out somewhere they might be heard.

I’ve been married now a little over a year and, quite frankly, I don’t know if it’s really for me. I don’t know if I’m actually in love or if I got married out of self preservation to get out of my home life and as a sustainable source of additional income. I’m so fucking disassociated from myself and my own situation that sometimes I forget entirely who I am or what I am or that life is even real at all. I can’t stand this feeling, in fact I can’t even feel the feeling of despair that I’m experiencing.

I always feel like everyone around me truly cannot understand me or my feelings and it went on so long that my feelings just turned off. I can’t do anything that I enjoy anymore. I don’t know anything. I’m starting to fuck up at work and I’m constantly forgetting things. My memory used to be excellent, the only thing about me that I really enjoyed, and now I can’t even remember terrible things that have happened to me or even little things like how old I am or my dog’s birthday or what I did ten minutes ago.

I have no drive for anything, all of my hobbies have become frustrating. i can’t even play the stupid cat game on my phone because it just gives me a feel of loss and irritation. Everyone makes me annoyed, even some of my best friends. I don’t know what’s happening to me.

My husband acts so supportive to me. But then he gives me half criticisms all the time when all I’m looking for is affirmation. I bring up something I’m self conscious about like, “I’m worried my figure isn’t so good now that I’ve been losing weight.” And he’ll say, “Maybe you should work out so you can tone your chest up. Your breasts might be perkier then.” And that shit just sticks in my brain for days. Like.. It’s not enough that I’ve lost 40lbs? I know I shouldn’t need to hear good things from him but I don’t hear anything good from anyone, not even myself. And I try to shower him with so much love but it’s never reflected back to me in a way that makes sense or matters to me. And talking to him is like talking to a stone wall. He’s always ignoring me for his phone or another thought line. I just feel WORTHLESS. I haven’t been able to feel anything or cry but suddenly, writing this all out, I feel myself wanting to cry.

I never feel like I have any value to him or anyone else, quite frankly. I’m always expected to apologize to everyone for things I didn’t even know I did, but nobody ever apologizes to me for anything. My husband will always take the side of LITERALLY ANYBODY over me. I thought that might get better as we got older and we became independent adults. I’ve lost friends because of him, I’ve cut off friends that he hated because he said they were toxic. I’ve shot my parents down and my brother down a thousand times sticking up for him.

My dog was in the car with me, my husband, and my brother in law. I had the window cracked for my dog, who was on my lap, because she was panting and too hot. It is winter, so the air is cold. Apparently my brother in law got cold and was very upset that I had the window cracked but never mentioned it to me or my husband. So when we got home, he refused to go to dinner with us and told my parents in law who brought it up with my husband. My brother in law has been staying at my house for two days now because his parents are out of town doing God knows what and he’s on probation and needs “constant adult supervision” but his parents let him roam all of the good Lord’s creation, which is how he got in trouble in the first place. So, while I was at dinner with my parents, he called my in-laws to say how cruel I had been and how hurt his feelings were. My husband calls them and they say how I have to apologize to my brother in law for hurting his feelings by letting him get cold. Mind you, my brother in law is practically an adult at this point. He’s about to turn 17.

EVERY TIME HE STAYS HERE, HE PULLS THIS THING. Where I’m being so cruel to him and need to apologize. His parents start a fight with my husband and my husband full out attacks me and tells me I need to apologize to this guy for something I COULD HAVE CHANGED IF HE WOULD HAVE JUST ASKED ME TO PUT THE FUCKING CAR WINDOW UP.

Am I wrong for not wanting to apologize? Especially when I actually bring up issues that hurt my feelings with my in-laws and my brother in law that are entirely disregarded and never apologized for? Lord knows I can’t ask my husband, he would never take my side over his parents. I’ve been wondering if we should separate practically the entirety of this marriage. I can’t stand not having a partner, instead I have someone who constantly plays the middle man to tell me all of my wrongdoings courtesy of his family. I can barely stand to talk to him anymore. Everything turns into a fight.

He and I are different in practically every way. We don’t even have sex anymore, we haven’t for a very long time. He’d rather fap in the bathroom to something he found on hentaihaven, even when I’ve brought it up and our relationship was seemingly stable.

I’m so tired.

I wanted to go home and stay with my parents for a few days and he won’t even let me leave.

No one will read this but I’m so tired. I just needed to say it somewhere before I blew up or killed myself.