beyondwordless

[beyondwordless]

It sucks when the realization hits. The one that things are good.

Really good.

Just not good enough.

Through all the good in your life the ache sits idle, deep within your chest, finding surface in the worst of times.

I hate that.

Things are good.

Just not good enough for me.

Things are good.

Just not good enough for my life.

Would I risk the current good for better that has yet to come?

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I read something on here before about what the point of life was. To just exist? Smell the roses, date the boy, kiss the girl, rent the apartment, buy the home, weekend runaway, on and on and on it goes.

Do you think God questions his existence like his creations? What’s the point of Godliness, of omnipotence? To create us, and provide free will? Done and done. What now?

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Does anyone else ever get completely overwhelmed with the idea that where you are at this moment, inside or out, has probably been walked through a gazillion times before?

Walking through Houston, I can’t help but wonder what it would’ve looked like in the past. It became a city in 1836. The first car was invented in 1896.

Did the inhabitants change much of their lives during the Great War? I read most Texans agreed with neutrality before we became involved to keep our cotton and cattle and oil industry moving. What did the citizens think when Sam Houston called for troops? Did those troops March this street, on the Bayou, where Houston started?

How was the tension when the Riot of 1917? It all happened in succession. Like a bomb. Mexican Revolution in 1910, WWI in early 1917 we waged war on Germany, Camp Logan Mutiny in mid1917. What was waged below where I stand today that will forever be covered by this tar?

How did Houston take the Roarin’ 20’s? Where women were wild and vivacious and brave? The first rodeo in 1932 must’ve been… well it must’ve been boring…

When the population boomed in the ‘40s, how did the buildings look? How did the air change? What was it like to watch the iconic Medical Center be built and transformed to a central hub for care? Who stood where I’m standing to watch construction and day dream about the future just as I daydream about the past?

How many Houstonians were indoors when the first tv station went on air in 1953? How quiet the city must have been that night. Besides the muffled words coming from every tv available.

Population hit 1 milly in 1955. From there on, the growth is unimaginable. Most iconically comes the AstroDome and NASA in the 60s. How many adults felt the change in the city?

The Galleria opened in 1970. That’s 53 years of inhabitants traipsing across these floors where I am now. What I would give to just walk through here on opening day.

Despite having built over 150 new office buildings within a single year in early 1980s, a recession came. What was the city like then? How many people trudged along walking from building to building to building trying to find work available in the 155 brand new buildings?

As the recession settled in the early 90’s were people hesitant when less than a decade later, the city began to construct a ginormous Minute Maid Stadium? Or do you think some people could feel the economy it would bring in the decades to come? I drive by that stadium every day on my way to work on an elevated highway and it always seems to catch my eye.

I’ve never been interested much in the 2000s. I was cognizant, although I did not live here then.

How many people walked a fought and dreamed where I merely stand? How many people have looked at this skyline and thought the same?

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“Humility is not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less.”

- C. S. Lewis

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“That’s exactly it—I am crazy sad, and somewhere deep inside, all I want is to fly.”

— Jandy Nelson, The Sky is Everywhere

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“You only have so much emotional energy each day. Don’t fight battles that don’t matter.”

— Unknown

[beyondwordless]

I grew up with the ideal that if I’m doing something perfectly, it means I’m not doing enough. Whether it be in sports or personal accomplishments, when I completed something as well as it could’ve been done…. It means I didn’t have enough on my plate. From the beginning I’ve been taught to push until failure. Which, paired with the ideal the failure is catastrophic, made life miserable.

God, my parents were assholes. And although I appreciate for them doing their best, it’s ok to know their best wasn’t enough.

I’ve recently pushed til failure. But my 26 year old body and mind do not bounce back like it once did at 18. It took two and a half days and a whole lot of alone time to find what went wrong.

If you’re pushing til failure, let me be the one to tell you to stop. Right now. Where you are.

“Take a break” is too kind and has lost its power. If I could look you in the eyes, I would. Stop. What. You. Are. Doing. It’s okay to do one thing at a time if you do it well. Juggling too many things? Put. One. Down. Balancing too much on your plate? Take a seat and feed yourself first.

Enough of this “push til failure” bullshit.

You deserve the feeling of accomplishment when you do something well. And when you do something well, congratulate yourself. Then, and only then, allow yourself to move onto the next.

Life may be short, but the moments are long. You take your fucking time. And face the fact that the idea of keeping the 99.9% with their heads down working with blinders on until exhaustion does not have to be our future. Do what you must. But don’t penalize what you can’t.

Do not penalize yourself for what you can’t do.

Do not penalize yourself for what you can’t do.

Do not penalize yourself for what you can’t do.

Boundaries are what make us human. And god damnit you deserve to LIVE! Live like a normal human being with wants and needs and desires and personal days and personality.

It’s time to respect yourself as much as you’ve respected others.