big-important-nothing

[big-important-nothing]

guy who repeatedly experiences the same Revelations incrementally : Oh, i get it now . I finally understand.

[big-important-nothing]

god you put into words what i have been trying to abt twitter & instagram for so long. completely agree that tumblr is not safe from that but it Feels safe from it and that is already much better... that post hit me like a truck! also i love your tattoos! especially the csh ones theyre SO cool

i'm glad what i wrote resonated with you ! i generally think the userbase and formatting of tumblr is a better experience for people who tend to Get In their own Heads one way or another...

Earnestly, i always wanted to share my work online. i was heartbroken to not be allowed to join Deviantart as a kid. once i was deemed old enough to engage with those communities, i ended up on Instagram, which i can say with certainty Poisoned the way i approached my Creative Process and the motivations i had to pursue art...

I've come to realize that, if I really wanted to? I could adhere to the algorithm and rack up numbers. Easily! but that would be at the expense of drawing whatever i want exactly how i want to draw it . So, i accept that it isn't for me. I hope it doesn't come across as egotistical to proclaim myself as an Eccentric. I understand my artwork (and myself in general) can be seen as Unpalatable to a lot of people.

and as corny as it sounds... i think i have a lovely little group of people who truly do appreciate what i have to offer! and it's all the more meaningful knowing that they truly See me. as opposed to cultivating some sort of Content Farm that can be as broadly appealing as possible...

thank you, as well! i'm happy to share them tee hee. :-)

[big-important-nothing]

Now that I've deleted a majority of my socials, I can use this as an opportunity to invest time i would have spent scrolling on more fulfilling endeavors.

I'm a sort of picky reader, but it's ridiculous that i've procrastinated even browsing a bookstore for titles i may enjoy or find interesting. i love Maggie Estep. before i moved, i had a little bout of binging her work...

Anyway, i would like to prioritize Self Improvement, moving forward . being Myself is something i cannot run from, i recognize this. Perhaps i will detest myself less through killing off the parts of me i despise most. this is probably not an especially healthy mindset to have, but i Am Working Toward Solutions To My Problems. I Will Conduct That Change. regardless of if it is the technically "right" approach.

going to ramble a bit so Proceed if you want to. or not! i don't want to clog up your feed.

Reading will be great. i've felt bored and ashamed over the incessant checking of social media during work when it is slow. it also contributed to my spiraling thoughts Badly. won't it be nice to Stop a behavior that upsets me?

i don't want to drink anymore. I have successfully quit in the past for 100 days. I allowed myself to return to it as if being Miserable and succeeding for a decent amount of time warranted reprieve . Perhaps it does. though, i don't want that to be the answer. I won't be at the mercy of Alcohol the way my mother is.

i'm going to Draw. even when it's intimidating and i don't really want to. Even if i don't end up setting the stage for an exhaustive illustration. I'm goinng to Draw.

[big-important-nothing]

sealbuffed -> big-important-nothing

I absolutely could have come up with something more creative, but instead I chose the title to a song I love:

historically i have used my handle as my signature because it had been instilled in my Brain that you Must Watermark Everything to avoid art theft!!! and well frankly it's not much of a concern anymore, my work is niche enough i doubt anyone is particularly keen on reposting it as their own.

i'll sign my work with Arin from now on, or perhaps my initials. i am not too sure yet.

[big-important-nothing]

nevermind just deactivated my twitter as well. I physically cannot stand the thought of being anywhere near the Public Eye right now. tumblr feels like a more intimate space. i do not feel so vulnerable and scared here.

i feel silly for saying that when my following has never been all too large. it's just the Prospect of being Perceived through the lens of social medias that center Engagement and Algorithms and Curating your CONTENT and Disposition to appeal to an Audience!!! makes me want to vomit. and that's not to say tumblr is safe from this but it is a markedly more niche space.

i honestly am going to ponder on an alias change, as well. my current handle feels tainted for no reason other than it being so heavily associated with my Old Self and i do Not Like Myself I Really Honestly Hate That guy. try as i might i cannot shake the disgust and vitriol.

i just want to burn that character down.

[big-important-nothing]

New Glasses .

the lens have this neat red iridescence due to the anti-infrared coating i got on them... which you cannot see in this photo but i promise it looks cool. they are also purple transitional lens! yay for continuing to double down on my purple/red motif.

The heat wave paired with my immense self loathing are tempting me to shave my head again but i will be Strong because i don't want to be Bald.

[big-important-nothing]

deactivated my instagram account as well as deleting the app and it felt like a weight was immediately lifted off my chest .

yada yada Social Media is Evil and all that. honestly i am neurotically self conscious and instagram, for some reason, negatively fed into that in a way which tumblr and (shockingly) twitter do not.

[big-important-nothing]

I am so completely enamored with House on the Rock.

A disconcerting and derivative (yet undeniably emboldened and passionate) interpretation of Frank Lloyd Wright's architecture, leading into exhaustive underground warehouses full of both real and (mostly) false antiques... paired with genuinely Mind Boggling displays of artistry, such as the nauseatingly oversized statue of a kraken fighting a whale. (Which, frankly, is not giving the grandiosity of this thing justice. It's something you can't even describe, walking into the room that houses it as you are dwarfed by the sheer scale and presence it has...)

I'm seriously infatuated with it. Completely awestruck. It is compelling because it feels so viscerally wrong. Unrefined, decrepit maximalism. Oh, it is fucking beautiful.

When my partner and I visited, there were areas that had been sectioned off due to water drippage in unintended areas, pooling in puddles on concrete floor. The smells are equally as apart of the experience: musty, moldy, and overpowering.

I really don't think it's possible to verbalize the rawness of it. You must experience it for yourself. Preferably, do so blindly. I'm absolutely infatuated with this place, and I wouldn't be nearly as intrigued if the narrative they sell to you were entirely accurate... it's a farce. An eccentric, bizzarre, confusing, wonderfully stupifying fabrication.

Oh, God. I love it.

[big-important-nothing]

The mobile fortress

[big-important-nothing]

Felt compelled to share my CSH tattoos.

The first was designed by my partner :-)

[big-important-nothing]

i need to find a new lineart brush that i don't feel the compulsion to needlessly refine...

I think i've been having trouble finishing anything because the Tediousness i impose on myself is finally catching up with me. What's even the point of that.

[big-important-nothing]

Y'know i think i am just going to delude myself into being confident about my Off-Putting nature and Odd behavior because i think that is extremely doable.

Is this the best approach. Well! Perhaps not. I've also been miserable while incessantly stewing in the belief that All The Bad is an Intrinsic Truth. i am tired of that and i don't want to feel like this so i'm deciding that i, at the very least, won't actively perpetuate it.

every time I start to spiral over senseless negative thoughts about myself i can instead double down on being an Annoying Freak .

"are people judging me" Yeah of course they are. Duh. There is Nothing you can do about that even if you were a hypothetical "perfect" version of yourself . Ok.

[big-important-nothing]

Oh it’s been a minute here hasn’t it? Lets see here I got uhh *squints at note cards*

descole

[big-important-nothing]

euthanize constructed identity, become acquainted with the person beneath; cradle them, since nobody else can.

[big-important-nothing]

Do you understand.

[big-important-nothing]

self destruction without knowing the self. like stubble burning, i'd rather be anything than to even resemble you again.