bigsmoketimes

[bigsmoketimes]

Diné Entrepreneur Solves Lip Pointing Crisis of 2020

TSAILE, Ariz. - DECEMBER 8th, 2020

An Indigenous company, "Mask-A-Read", founded by Lelan Hosteen, recently began to sell face masks intended to prevent the spread of infectious diseases, masks designed to be used specifically for Indigenous people. Indigenous communities have had unique issues apart from a lack of funding, few ICU beds, and undermaintained infrastructure. Indigenous people can't see where their friends and kinship are pointing with their lips.

Seemingly irrelevant, this single action of obscuring one's mouth has been the cause of multiple problems. Everything from major logistics mix-ups in Indigenous-owned warehouses to husbands getting chewed out because their wives’ hands were full. Niecey Tallcalf became a victim, outside her own home in Chinle. Niecey, mother of two and championship barrel rider 2002-2002, stood there with strained arms for like, a good twenty seconds too long, until she had to put down the basket of laundry and point to the keys she dropped from her hand.

The Indigenous mask company began production early last year, noticing the unique demand even before the COVID-19 pandemic arrived on Turtle Island. Hosteen was taking his elderly grandmother to her friend's house across the Navajo Nation, they became lost after hours of trying to find landmarks that only the grandmother could have known, causing much yelling, redirecting, and then the eventual surrender as they drove back home in defeat. Hosteen knew he had to something to prevent other Native people from making such a faux pas. "I had a mask, and I took a clear plastic lens from my welding hood, and boom, I had a multi-thousand dollar idea."

When we asked what other applications the mask could be used for Hosteen said, "It's really interesting, I mean, I started this company to make sure I never have to guess which way a Native is pointing, but it has become a useful tool for people with hearing disabilities" it helps make lip reading possible which is massively helpful to the hearing impaired. An unintended but very useful tool.

They can also be used to gross out your friends while still adhering to Covid-19 restrictions by simply licking the clear plastic barrier in a hyperbolic pseudo-sexual manner or just for showing off that new lipstick you bought in May. Because dammit, some needs to see how good it looks and you also have an irrational fear that lipstick can go bad and will kill you even kept just one day past its expiration, so it's all "Use it, Lose it, Jeanna, so steel yourself or waste $45".

#BigSmokeTimes

#Indigenous

#Satire

#News

#Navajo

#Native

#Diné

#Masks

#Big

#Smoke

#Times

#Satiracal

#LipPointing

#Ayeee

#Nayeeeee

#WTFAreYouStillReadingThisFor

[bigsmoketimes]

BREAKING: White people have unanimously agreed to move back to Europe

U.S.A. - April 1, 2020

In a shocking announcement all white people of the Americas have embarked on what seems to be the dustiest exodus in all human history as people of European decent have collectively decided to migrate back to their previous homelands.

Airports are packed with white people boarding flights to the dozens of European and Eastern European countries.

“Just leaving is actually not good enough, just think about all of the resources we’ve consumed and used to grow our wealth. We wish we could leave it the way we found it, so instead we are leaving most of our possessions and accumulated wealth and property behind” said McKinsey Bennet doing air quotes with her fingers when said the word “found”.

Natives, Inuits, Métis, and Mestizo people have invited Black people of all countries to stay, as well as people from Asia and West Asia (loosely known as the Middle East)

Not sure what “percent” makes a person Indigenous or not is still debatable, although it is acknowledged that percentage is a mostly European concept and will soon be done away with. What matters most is if you have been practicing and maintaining your Indigenous culture.

Unsure Natives still worried about these percentages have opted to amputate whole limbs they considered to contain their “whiteness” to send them back to Europe just in case. Most believe this is too extreme but also kinda flattered by their commitment.

[bigsmoketimes]

Only Native at bro-y law firm dressed as office supplies to avoid problematic costumes, is minutes away from accomplishing his goal

October 31, 2019

Jeremy Yellowhorse is mere minutes away from 5pm and minutes away from sweet, sweet, candy unrelated freedom. Jeremy just started at Strad & Bloke this year, a law firm located in downtown Salt Lake City.

Jeremy has been dreading this day and has found the perfect costume, a bunch of office supplies fashioned into a ghillie suit of post-it notes and labor law posters.

Jeremy doesn’t want to confront his coworkers, mostly because he knows that they won’t take him seriously. Despite being Native, Jeremy doesn’t “look” or “act” Native enough for his coworkers to take him seriously. Strad & Bloke also pay way more than Jeremy has ever earned and he doesn’t want to make it hot right now.

So here he stands, next to a fake tree trying not to shake with rage when the guy dressed in a costume headdress exclaims “look I’m Elizabeth Warren” to everyone for the second year in a row.

At least he can fake being sick for the office party. Maybe next year he’ll manage to get in a few scowls, you know, keep it a little real, tastefully real, just not trying to mess with his money right now, know what I’m sayin’? Just a few more minutes...

[bigsmoketimes]

Trump not allowed back into Trump Tower until he can speak Lenape

July 8, 2019

Wigwams, traditional Algonquin homes have appeared in front of Trump Tower overnight and has left staff baffled.

Descendants of one of the many bands that inhabited New York for hundreds of years have insisted that Trump learn to speak the language of the place he calls his home.

“He doesn’t have a choice, either learn the language or go back to wherever he is from. Simple as that.”

We asked the group of descendants where they think that would be and they replied “Probably a country where all the people look like they have cotton candy for hair”

Another descendant remarked “You’re IN Manhattan, it’s an Algonquin word, if you’re going to be on Algonquin land at least speak ONE of the Algonquin dialects”

Security tried to remove the Lenape tribal members but couldn’t figure out what they looked like.

[bigsmoketimes]

Native Man participating in the #CheeseChallenge only eats bougie cheeses

March 8, 2019

Provo, UT - Rodrick Yellowhair a Diné man posted a picture this morning participating in the #CheeseChallenge as adults slap kids, even infants with single wrapped slices of American cheese.

“Immediately, after we posted a tasteful photo of a cheese board on our daughters face, our inbox blew up” responses like, “wth, is this a cheese plate?” And “ouch, you are going to give this kid splinters”.

We asked why Rodrick would balance a heavy cheese board atop his daughters tiny face, and he said, “Listen, I grew up with government cheese, it was all that was available and you couldn’t melt that stuff with a lightsaber. I can’t stand it, and I won’t eat it”

Ernest the oldest boy said “Yeah, my Dad is real hung up on us never having to eat government cheese, he talks about it a lot and how lucky we are to have Brie instead.”

Rodrick finished, “But you what doesn’t bring back bad memories of my youth? Gorgonzola.”

Rodrick added one final statement “If anyone else gets mad at me just be glad I took her out of her cradleboard first, okay, sheesh?”

[bigsmoketimes]

Southwest Medicine Man says he would defend the right for kids to wear ash on Ash Wednesday

March 7, 2019

SHIPROCK, NM - Casey Shortbull a Diné medicine man and spokesperson for MMAA (Medicine Men Acronym Association) is standing in solidarity with the student in Bountiful, UT who was made to remove ash yesterday on Ash Wednesday.

We asked Shortbull if he understood what the ash signified only to reveal Shortbull was not even a little bit sure.

He said, “I don’t have to understand to respect them in the same way I would expect from them.”

“If they want to protect themselves from Skinwalkers and bad spirits, I think they should go on ahead”

“I’ll protect their rights if they want to pay respect to their religion or want peace of mind that when look in their rear view mirrors on that one stretch of creepy road, they will see nothing”

[bigsmoketimes]

Cedar High considering retiring “Redmen” mascot, community member proposes to instead replacing the old mascot with Grammy nominated rapper Redman

January 23, 2019

Yesterday, Iron County School Board met with educators, students, tribal members, and community members regarding controversial mascot “Redmen” depicting a Native man with a headdress. Although the School Board has not made a final decision on whether it should be changed they listened to two presentations and 45 minutes of public comments one proposal stood out among the rest.

Gayland Shorty a Diné/Paiute tribal member dazzled an otherwise indifferent School Board with the proposal. Shorty captivated the School Board with a suggestion no one else had thought of before. Keeping the “Redmen” name and instead, replacing the mascot with American rapper, DJ, record producer, and actor, Redman.

“I know what y’all are thinking,” said Shorty, “You’re worried about the cost of replacing uniforms, various pieces of stationery, and redesigning the school to fit a new mascot”. Shorty pulled out a giant poster board with artistic concepts “Check it, you don’t even have to change the name, you just add multiple Redman together and it’s a group so technically “Redmen” still applies”

There are Natives on both side of the mascot debate, some say it’s inclusive, and are proud to be associated, others claim that Native mascots are relics that need to be retired as they are more harmful than helpful.

After the Board meeting, we caught up with Shorty and asked him what inspired him to think of such a proposal. “I just want to help out in any way that could be mutually beneficial, and honestly, I’m weirded out that for most people in Cedar City this mascot and high school sports are their only culture, without it, the only culture they have is bacteria”

A Paiute community member Marcy Trujillo commented: “I like the idea of hearing How High quotes or any of his music over the cheesy warpaint and fake whooping”. Many other people we spoke to seemed confused about the presentation.

Big Smoke stands behind the changing the mascot to multiple Redman.

[bigsmoketimes]

“They wanna turn the Basin into one of those hotboxes!” Interrupts an older man during interviews

Dec 25th, 2018

We here at Big Smoke understand the concerns around introducing medical marijuana to Utah, it will take many changes and will need it’s own regulations.

But the intense reactive legislation to the Utah Medical Cannabis Act is what caught our attention as it makes it more difficult for it to be obtained by the patients who need it most.

We had an idea, but didn’t fully understand the fear so we took to the streets to get an opinion on medical cannabis. Our office is located downtown SLC so we decided to take to the street and find out what people are saying.

Andrew Bangerter a member of the Utah Medical Association happened to be last minute Christmas shopping said “I’m not against it, but it has to be safe and safely administered. You know, like Tylenol or Oxycontin”

Many people we stopped had a difficult time defending fewer government regulations calling Utah a “nanny state” but when asked about lowering regulations on medicinal cannabis they just started staring at their feet until we went away.

A older man interrupted after hearing the discussion by screaming “We can’t have any marijuana in this state, no sir! I know what these hippies wanna do! With their hacksacks and thai sticks! I’ve seen the movies, they want to turn the entire Basin into one of those hotboxes, trapping all of us in here to be high with them!”

Many others also heard that Salt Lake City’s residents will force the Utahns to engage in this Cheech and Chong B-story at a Simpsons’ level scale.

Many other people we spoke to were agreement with the policy and voted for Prop 2, they seemed less afraid Cannabis would take a stranglehold on Utah.

A downtown SLC resident Ginny Placard who was parking an e-scooter commented “It’s just a distraction y’know? Our public lands are being commodified, police violence is on the rise, and we keep the cartels in business because their is no other source”

It has been an interesting week, and we are beginning to understand how Utahns feel about this issue. We hope to continue covering the issue of medicinal cannabis into 2019.

BIg Smoke is in no way affiliated with the plans to make the world's largest hotbox the same way inversion gets trapped with warm air big enough to make Godzilla cough heavily and chill on the Wasatch Mountains like it is a giant couch.

[bigsmoketimes]

Chaffetz, never been good at discerning Natives

Human dumpster fire Jason Chaffetz tweeted this morning at 10:07am from Disneyland that he was “with Elizabeth Warren” including a photo of a “wooden Indian”.

While being offensive it is has revealed a big problem with Chaffetz.

Jason Chaffetz can’t tell the difference between a real Indigenous person and an inanimate object.

(Above: Jason posing with a Native caricature with whom he thinks is an Indigenous man)

This takes incredible cognitive dissonance to reveal your hackiest “Indian” joke on the internet the quickest but have no opinion on voter suppression in North Dakota that will affect the Indigenous population.

(Above: Chaffetz spoke to this disembodied head for a half hour before realizing it was not a person)

Ultimately, we don’t know how to get Chaffetz to consider Natives without them having to wearing full regalia.

Apparently we could write a full animated Disney musical to telling him how to respect Indigenous people.

Nah, I’m just going to wait until he makes a fool of himself this Halloween when he approaches people in “Native” costumes asking them if they are “cool now, it was just a joke”.

[bigsmoketimes]

Spokeman for Navajo Nation tribe says: “Please forgive Elizabeth Warren, she has virtually no personality, just let her have this one”

From from Windowrock this morning Shirleen Johnboy a spokesperson for the tribe made a statement after Warren’s claims of Indigenous blood.

Many Indigenous people already find people claiming indigenous heritage trite and quite frankly pretty hackneyed. It is a tired concept that is usually followed by an attempt to exploit one’s newly claimed heritage as soon as humanly possible.

Johnboy made a statement calling on us to have empathy for Senator Warren. Johnboy proclaimed “I know we suffer from erasure and pretendians misrepresenting our cultures, but we gotta cut Senator Warren some slack.”

Johnboy continued “I urge the Indigenous people of this country, please forgive Elizabeth Warren, she has got nothing going on with her, she has virtually no personality, just let her have this one.”

Jeers from the crowd can be heard as Johnboy finished the statement “Listen, college was real bad for her, I’m serious! What if the only thing interesting about you is your grandparents hooking up? Would you like that? No, you wouldn’t.”

Johnboy continued in vain to get the audience to empathize with Senator Warren “Just imagine, you are a young person, and you are devastatingly, tragically, basic af.”

“What are you supposed to do about that? Pretending to be Canadian can only get you so far, us Natives don’t know fully what it is like to be in that position!”

The press statement concluded shortly and ended mostly with Indigenous people brainstorming other ways Elizabeth Warren could be interesting without claiming an Indigenous identity.

So far solutions include learning to play the guitar, samba dancing classes, and this one metal forgery class that a person seen online once.

[bigsmoketimes]

A southern Utahn found this photo in the archives that captures a conversation between two Diné (Navajo) women who we could only be identified as Innez and Nizhoní during Western Expansion.

The conversation was recorded in the Diné language but here at Big Smoke we have an expensive Diné Bizaad dictionary and our mom’s home phone for translation.

The conversation went something like this

Innez:“ I heard a single immigrant can bring in virtually unlimited numbers of distant relatives”

Nizhoní: ”Yeah, it’s called wagon chain migration or something like that”

[bigsmoketimes]

President appointed tribal representation update: Trump last seen talking to a truck door. He was last heard saying “you look even more genuine than #KayaJones”.

[bigsmoketimes]

Ryan Zinke’s latest plan to challenge the five Tribes who are fighting to keep the Bears Ears a National Monument was revealed today. In a strange new attempt to combat the tribes ancestral and spiritual validity, Zinke has professed “I know the tribes hold this land as sacred, but I also hold something as sacred to me and my administration, nuclear weapons”. Zinke claims that nuclear weapons are “a vital and important part of my culture, so there, how about that, huh?” He then looked around as though gauging the response of the room to see if they were buying it. An aid of the Secretary of the Interior said “Yeah, I would immediately deny that he thought of nukes as sacred, but I did walk in on him one day rubbing his face gently against a miniature replica of the famous Fat Man bomb he keeps in his desk drawer” The aid continued “I just slowly back out of the room, I wasn’t about to say anything, hell, I’ve been wearing the same American flag shirt for two months straight after he made that statement about 1/3 of the dept. not being loyal to the president.”

[bigsmoketimes]

Since Rep. John Curtis introduced the Shash Jaa’ National Monument and Indian Creek National Monument Act, a bill that that claims to “to create the first Tribally managed national monument”, which calls for tribal representation.

But oddly enough none of the five tribes, the Ute Indian Tribe, Ute Mountain Ute Tribe, Pueblo of Zuni, Hopi Tribe, and Navajo Nation were consulted on it’s creation.

It is strangely similar to the creation of the Navajo Business Council that was created in 1922 by the U.S. Secretary of the Interior Albert Fall in order to certify mineral leases on the Navajo reservation. Affectively extracting the Navajo Nation’s resources, causing the deaths of many as they were forced to move, and putting the Navajo Nation on the track of dependence on those resources for jobs.

It leaves us wondering who will be appointed as representatives of the tribes?

So far hopefuls have been, a Downtown SLC light post featuring an ambiguous Indigenous head. A car wash sign on 3rd and 3rd and “Chief Wasatch” a statue of a fictional chief located in Murray.

Still, no tribe appointed representation has been acknowledged. We are told that the the car wash sign on 3rd and 3rd was trying to ask Ryan Zinke a question during his last trip to Utah and was told by Zinke to “be nice” and then never answered the question.

It seems that Chief Wasatch is a definite hopeful. It claims to be indigenous, but not based in any local tribe, or any tribe for that matter, reminiscent of #KayaJones.

I hoped Trump himself would be doing a better job finding suitable representatives, even while not consulting the tribes. But he was last seen having a discussion with a Versace jacket he had mistaken for a real indigenous person.

[bigsmoketimes]

In an effort to appeal to Utahns, Confederate statues have been placed all over Bears Ears and Grand Staircase-Escalante.