bitter-and-brooding

[bitter-and-brooding]

can you have a not great self esteem day without crashing tho?

Yeah of course, and that’s easier to improve as well. Most of the time it needs some distraction or refreshment of surroundings. (Or alcohol.)

[bitter-and-brooding]

You keep thinking of people like there’s a shell they build around themselves that needs to be broken. Attempt that, and you will just have broken me, for I am the shell and there’s nothing underneath.

[bitter-and-brooding]

Is crashing and having a bad day where you don't feel your best the same thing? Cause maybe you had a bad day and you don't feel On Top but you don't hate yourself and then crashing is a million times worse, right?

Oh no, this was definitely a crash, I don’t say that lightly. Especially since I know the specific blow to my ego that instigated it, as well as how little significance the issue would have had if I hadn’t taken it personally. It’s specific also in that I get moderate to full-blown panic attacks which I have to try my best to conceal when I’m in public.

Bad days are just... They’re the majority of my days at this point, really. It’s surprising if a day isn’t bad. I wouldn’t normally say I hate myself because I’ve gone past that point in self-awareness, so that’s a correct distinction, but there are looming insecurities nonetheless. Crashes just bring them out after somebody or something pokes them too much. But it has an additional sense of despair to it as if I’m always going to be imperfect and there’s no chance for improvement? It bothers me more that there are things — especially negative ones related to me — I can’t control. I don’t like not having control.

Either way, a simple bad day wouldn’t prompt me to complain, or I’d be complaining 24/7.

[bitter-and-brooding]

Me, after not getting a heavy crash for a while: I’m cured, nothing can harm my mental fortitude, it was silly of me to get upset over minor things

Me, getting a crash: oh.

[bitter-and-brooding]

I like that specific moment in getting to know someone when they start revealing weaknesses. I don’t necessarily want to use them, it just puts me at ease.

[bitter-and-brooding]

Narc abuse is real, stop trying to gaslight victims you fucking narcissist. Fuck you.

[bitter-and-brooding]

Anyone want a pro tip. Have more than one supply source. Maybe.

[bitter-and-brooding]

Equal: *pays more attention to person x than to me*

Me: this is bullshit

Me: so now I start mimicking whatever is attracting their attention, right

Me: *adopts person x’s traits*

Me: *now behaves like a person I hate*

[bitter-and-brooding]

It really is exhausting being like, a person and stuff.

[bitter-and-brooding]

The people around me are nothing but a bunch of indoctrinated parasites trying to put me down to their intellectual, social, sexual, and professional mediocrity, and it's honestly pathetic

[bitter-and-brooding]

One of my hobbies is restricting my own freedom through perfectionism and then getting angry at others when they don’t do the same

[bitter-and-brooding]

Me: *doesn't text or call anyone because of course I am the one who is superior therefore has to be called and texed to hang out*

Others: don't care and avoid texting and calling me

Me: WTF

[bitter-and-brooding]

[bitter-and-brooding]

Me: if i keep going on this dark path of arrogance, narcissism and self loathing, i’ll end up badly

My mind: f*ck it, you’re far better than anyone, stay godlike

Me: but I just told you

My mind: I said stay godlike in your ivory tower ffs

[bitter-and-brooding]

All the people who have attempted to manipulate me have turned me into a walking safety hazard. Try to hurt me and I’ll snap your neck. It’s an instinct by now.

[bitter-and-brooding]

Is anybody else obsessed with understanding how others perceive you like… who am I in your lives… what kind of person am I… a friend of mine told me once that I’m mysterious and I was like ??????!???)????

[bitter-and-brooding]

Honestly very offended that the rare times I acknowledge someone as worthy of my affection and investment they don’t care about me as much as I do. I picked you out of millions of people whose death wouldn’t even make me flinch, you fool. And this is how you repay me, by making me feel pathetic and depressed. How dare you.