black-cat-curiosities

[black-cat-curiosities]

Something I feel like no one talks enough about is how hard it is to know if you like something because you like it or if you like it because they liked it.

I was emotionally manipulated and abused by two friends, both of whom I was in a romantic relationship with at some point. I knew them both for 4 years, and if you’d asked me then if i thought thy were abusing me, I’d have told you no and that you were reading too far into things. Do i think it was intentional and well thought out? No. The point is the damage was done.

These people both liked BTS, they were the entire reason I got into kpop and became friends, because I showed an interest in BTS. At the time, i did have a genuine interest and like for BTS. One of these friends quizzed me until i could name and point out the members of BTS like it was the back of my hand. I remember being up to date on when every new release of an album or song was happening, every performance, where they were and where they were going, because my friend liked them. And i did too. Sometimes. But if i voiced not liking something, all of a sudden i was the worst person on the planet.

i still credit BTS for inspiring me to want to try and pursue music, i still credit them for helping me the most in the worst time of my life. But the moment i stopped talking to those friends, i questioned if i even liked them at all. 2 years later, i still dont know. I wasn’t even sure I liked kpop itself, until i found the groups that actually spoke to me in a meaningful way again. Now, i still keep up with BTS, just not as closely. I don’t pressure myself to learn everyone’s names and faces in a new group, i let it happen as i learn the group itself.

i dropped so many interests because of them. Writing was one of them. I wanted to show them things i liked and things i did, but there was always something wrong with it when i showed them, so i just, stopped. I dont think i have unpacked everything that they did that affected me, i dont really think i ever will to be honest. Every now and then I’ll come back to BTS and get up to date on what’s been happening and every single time I’m met with the same feelings. That person is also doing the same thing. They’ve known about it for months. They’re still supporting and living surrounded by this. This is the reason they are.

One of my favorite books covered fans like that, whose entire lives are just that group. It made me think of them. And it made me wish that I could reach out again and recommend the book, so that maybe they could take a stab at being them, a person outside of a fan of BTS. I didn’t though. Because I knew, and I know, if I did, I’d be right where i left off again. It’s sad.

[black-cat-curiosities]

Reading test

you know those stupid “read this little book and then tell me about what you read” books we used to do in elementary school? Where we read out loud, then read the rest of the book in our head and then had to tell the teacher what we read? I remember them because it was the first time I felt stupid. I learned how to read early, like, really early. And I prided myself on that fact for a really long time. Those tests always made me feel stupid.

I knew the teachers already knew what happened in the books, and so I would always want to know which part they wanted to know. And they were always boring books. The only purpose to reading them was to be able to go back to class faster. I hated them.

[black-cat-curiosities]

It’s kinda fucked up how easily I trust. My brain assumes those I click with are good. Like there couldn’t be an alternative. It’s how I spent 4 years with two abusers, because we clicked. It’s how I’ve had to learn how to burn bridges for my own safety.

I have always loved very deeply. I’ve always been a person who cares too much rather than too little. It sucks. My friends will watch me love a person only for the same routine to happen again. It’s how I’ve met some of the best and worst people I’ve ever known. I don’t think I can say I regret it though. Some of my favorite people are in my life because I love rather quickly.

[black-cat-curiosities]

there are people in this world that you meet and fall in love with. I don’t mean in the romantic sense either. The deepest I’ve ever fallen in love with wasn’t even a romantic relationship. It never will be, because she’s my best friend.

Syrup, I know I’ve talked about her before. She is amazing, in every sense of the word. You couldn’t pay me to do anything romantic with her, or even to suggest we be more than best friends. But I am very much in love with her. I think I could live my whole life with her in it and be happy. I think I’m a bit in love with all of my close friends, to be honest. I don’t really think thats a bad thing. Humans have always been creatures who crave community.

[black-cat-curiosities]

I started this blog not too long after I got with my boyfriend, it’s been two years. He broke up with me on Monday. This is the longest relationship I’ve had. The longest anything. The only healthy relationship I’ve had. And it just. Ended. This is the first time I’ve really been able to process it. I haven’t had the time before now. I just. I always said I’d be there for however long he wanted me. I guess this was it.

[black-cat-curiosities]

every now and then I like remembering the worst time of my life. I’ll be honest, I don’t *actually* remember much from that time. Other people could, probably tell you what happened to me then better than I could. But I remember the feelings. I remember the tears. I remember the worst of it. Sometimes, I like remembering that. Because it’s so far removed from what I feel now.

I remember the burning pain and the constant emptiness. I remember the aching feeling of wanting. I remember feeling like I was just a consciousness, a floating nothing that just experienced. I remember realizing my world was not theirs. I don’t think half of them remember me. The people who were my worlds just… moved on, past me, taking my world with them.

it’s different now, of course. My world is now just mine. It doesn’t leave me with the people who enter it. But I remember it. The burning. That’s the only way I can describe it, burning. Polaroids that were set ablaze. Maybe that’s why I can’t remember them.

[black-cat-curiosities]

My mom and I have opposite tastes in books. She loves books that bring her somewhere new and exciting and give her something happy to think about.

Me, I like books that remind me of my darkest times. The books that call it out unapologetically. I still enjoy those kinds of escapism books, but nothing could bring me more enjoyment than a book about the kind of depression and the horrible feelings I had a few years ago. I don’t try to run away from them, honestly I kind of welcome it because god knows I don’t remember ANYTHING from that time. Just a handful of vague memories and the knowledge that I felt that way.

The consuming depth that threatens to drown you, there’s only one feeling for that and I remember it well because it drowns a portion of my life. I like those sad books because it brings me to that climax, the place where nothing and everything makes sense, everything clicks into place and suddenly all you want to do is cry and scream and crush every horrible feeling out of you because it hurts but you’re so used to it that you need it to be because you don’t know how to just be without it. My favorite books don’t allow me to escape, my favorite books don’t allow me to drown either. Instead they help me remember and they serve as a place marker for the shitty things I’ve been through, a reminder that I am leaving the pond and I’ve found a place to stand in it. That I’m not sinking or drowning, that I’m living and I can see the world around me.

I was reading and my favorite book said “I don’t think I’d make it to twenty. I don’t think I’d make it to seventeen,” and I remember being 13 and reading those words, thinking the same thing. I’m now nearly half a decade wiser, and I do think I’d make it to twenty, because I made it to 17.

[black-cat-curiosities]

time

it is so fucked up that out of 275 days, i can only remember a handful of memories. its fucked up that a year ago, it was april and i had just gotten together with my boyfriend and now we’re so close to being able to be close in distance. it felt like such a long time. everyone tells you high school is fast. that it travels faster than you can believe. but no one prepares you for how that feels. I remember the worst time of my life like it was yesterday. i remember the best time of my life like it happened a decade ago.

i met syrup nearly 9 years ago. i met soup nearly 6 years ago. and I met mic last fucking year and it feels like so much longer. beans has been my friend since we were 10. 7 years.

i started writing down every memory i want to remember because i don’t remember enough of them. i feel like i’m losing so many moments, so many stories. the little moments matter.

i don’t want to forget my little moments when they’re surrounded by the big.

[black-cat-curiosities]

believable

I am not believable. i never have been.

i’ve been trying to bring up my anxiety issues with my doctor for 4 years. my mother has tried saying there is something wrong and it was never believed. because I was the type of child who would walk up to interesting strangers and strike up a conversation. I was the kid who gave my life story after being asked my name.

so now, when i say people scare me and i can’t trust their person who’s job it is to get me to school and back to do that exact thing, I’m called dramatic instead of getting help.

i say im struggling because of xyz, but then people dont believe me because little me knew how to life. little me had great grades. me me, doesn’t. but no one believes that. no one who could do something about it anyway.

i want to be believable again.

[black-cat-curiosities]

experiences

my family has always been too broke to really afford any big trips. before my brother was born, we'd take yearly trips down to florida to see my grandma Froggy and papa Legume. I don't know why I never called him grandpa Legume. Just never have, he was always papa Legume. We saw them every year, until my younger brother was born. then, we couldn't afford the trips. We maybe had one or two sporadic ones after he was born but for the most part, we stayed in our state. the only other place we went was to my aunt's houses and to a lake. eventually, we stopped going on those trips as well.

when I was 8, I joined girl scouts. a normal activity for 8 year old girls. we did fun things and I enjoyed it a lot, I still do, even though im older now and am the only boy in the troop. I've never really had a true "vacation" to what other families describe it as. going somewhere out of state and stuff. never could afford too. so i've never really had those experiences. I see other places through videos and media and pictures, stories from other kids who went to those places.

the girls in my troop have been all over, they've had those experiences and seen first hand some of the beautiful things in our world. that's why when we have big trip years, they talk about where to go and I'm thinking "i have no idea because I've never left the state."

my mom feels bad that she can't give us more experiences, but I'd never hold that against her. it's not her fault. we just are middle class and we dont have any hope of getting out of middle class. thats not her fault and I could never hold that against her.

and thats why im so thankful to be a girl scout because without them, without my troop, i wouldn't get these experiences. I wouldn't see new things or be new places.

i love my troop, and I love the opportunities they've given me.

[black-cat-curiosities]

father less

the day i realized i didn't have a father anymore was the day i ran away. i was found. he picked me up. he asked me why. i didn't answer. home we went. my mom told them my secret, that im a boy, not a girl. and i wanted to live like that. they came in, one by one, talking to me. saying they love me.

then my dad, the man i'd been so close with throughout my childhood, told me i'd never be his son. the man who always brought me to father daughter dances even though he knew i'd never dance and make a fool outta myself. the man who let his too big child sit with him in the recliner because he knew how much it meant to her. the man who spent his unemployed days trying his best to care for even though he was tired and trying to help support us. the man who tried to show his interests too in hopes she'd like them too. who knew his kid's favorite shows even if they were girly. the man who's traits live inside of me because even though I look more like my mom, they're so engrained in me.

and i remember that crushing weight burying me. the memories, realizing my dad basically just left me. right after i'd just tried to leave because i was so, so afraid of this exact moment happening to me. and i remember crying and thinking "how could he look his child in the eye and say that? is it me? did i do something wrong?"

he hugged me tighter like that was going to fix the fact he just told me he'd never accept me. what are you suppose to say to that?

i lost my dad. and 4 years later, he has never uttered my preferred name. never called me son. never even called me they. that would've been better than this.

i miss my dad.

[black-cat-curiosities]

too loud

sometimes, the world is too loud. the sound of someone talking or even the sound of your own voice is too much. you just want things to be quiet and they aren't. it messes with you, makes you feel like your wrong for feeling the feelings your feeling and that's wrong. because feeling the feelings your meant to be feeling doesn't make the feelings wrong or bad. you just can't handle the guy screaming for no fucking reason as you leave the school building. or the girls screaming over a hot guy, or the sound of the echo in the foyer or even the sound of your own keyboard typing.

sometimes your tired of the negative talk, the "did you hear about stacy?" the stupid shit no one should care about but everyone does because any measly fuck up and BANG! you're all anyone can talk about.

i've been told i'm too loud. the thing is, i'm so unused to friends, people to talk too in classes that i suck at volume control.

too loud or too quiet. both suck.

when I was little, I talked to whoever listened. whether it be my mom, a classmate, my teacher or a random kid on the playground. but as i got older, i realized no one really liked me wholly for me. so i mimicked what other kids said, hated it and decided i liked books more than people anyway. and that was the beginning of the "Rae talks to no one" saga.

i still don't really talk to a lot of other people. I have Syrup, and Soup. there's Kalcium and Mic. really they're my main people. the people i actually have to be told "take the volume down" when speaking sometimes because i'm shouting and i don't realize. the only other people who can be accounted in that list are Tripod and Scream and the other Speech and Debate members. they're all my people. and i don't feel the need to expand on them.

my online friends are on the same level. and when you compare me and Turtle, my boyfriend, you realize who's more of an extrovert right away. at first you'd think he's the black cat boyfriend and i'm the golden retriever, but if you get to know us, in reality its flipped. i really love that about him.

with all of them, the world doesn't seem too loud anymore. at least, not AS loud.

i'm happy they're in my life.

[black-cat-curiosities]

alone

I don’t think it’s a bad thing to be alone. Sometimes being alone is better. You see a lot more when you’re alone. I don’t think it’s bad. It just gets lonely the longer you’re alone. But being alone isn’t a bad thing by itself.

[black-cat-curiosities]

drugs

i have never seen the appeal of drugs. I understand, it makes you feel good. I understand people want to get out of their own minds. Makes you stop thinking logically. I understand it but I don't understand it, if you get what i mean.

my dad smoked when I was really young. He told my mom he was gonna quit when I was born. But I've been used to the smell of cigarettes since before I can remember. He finally "quit" 8 years ago. And by "quit" i mean he switched to vaping.

I mentioned last week I used to be friends with stoners, sometimes i could smell it on them. Weed, i mean. I hated it, so much so that occasionally i asked them to face away from me because I hated it. Drinking i can understand, especially if it tastes good, but I have never understood smoking, vaping, any of it.

I think part of it stems from the fact I've watched my dad deteriorate over time. I used to be the closest with my dad. I don't think he'll have a peaceful end.

I think the other part comes from my self esteem. The only times I've ever understood the want was when i felt like shit and believed i was shit. I don't feel like that constantly anymore and when i do, i write my feelings away or i make something from them. Or i talk about them.

I don't understand the want to smoke at school, I don't understand why teenagers think it's cool. I don't understand why the media makes it out to be some cool activity. I'm probably biased in all this, but I don't think I'll ever do a drug outside of drinking occasionally.

On a happier note, Syrup got a car for her birthday.

[black-cat-curiosities]

friendship

I don’t think I had friends until a year ago. I remember telling my mom that I didn’t really like my friends, I just tolerated them because they were my only options. To an extent that’s still true, but I don’t hold the same feelings about it anymore.

I like my friends. I like who I’ve ended up with. They’re good people. Took me leaving them for a year to realize that.

last year I was friends with a group of stoners, they were nice. Let me hang around and actively told me to not do drugs (not that I planned too) and if I did, to do it with them. But they weren’t the people I really belonged with.

they took care of me, don’t get me wrong, but they were also the first time I saw directly how drugs affected people. People I cared about.

while they all claimed to feel great and said they didn’t feel any side affects, said they’d be worse without it, I saw the opposite. They came to school high multiple times and it just made me feel wrong, it made them feel like a different person. Sure they were more relaxed, but they said shit that hurt, they were reckless and they pushed my boundaries multiple times, and it didn't feel like they actually liked me, i was just the token sober friend they kept around.

And then when they weren't high, they were great. My best friends. But they were anxious, fidgety, you could tell they just wanted to get back home and smoke or drink.

But by the point where it got worse, I didn't have anyone else. Everyone else had drama i didn't want to be part of. I didn't have someone i could just merge into their friend group to, and I couldn't go back to the one I'd left because they were worse, and it hurt and they hurt.

So i carved out my own. Built it up with some old friends and some new ones. It's small, but it's good. It feels good even when things suck. And it doesn't feel like I'm helplessly watching everything burn just to replace it all again.

It feels like i have people who are helping me extinguish the fire, instead of setting it.

[black-cat-curiosities]

no point in complaining

there are phrases that I genuinely hate. One of them being "It's just a respect thing," because it's hardly ever used in a situation where that is aplicable. one of my friends uses it a lot, and she never uses it when it is.

Kalcium is a softball player, she is very good at what she does and she happens to have a job that requires the use of text messaging and she only has one phone. she will sometimes get annoyed with us because we're messaging in the group chat we made so we can talk outside of school, saying "it's just a respect thing" when we text in it during her shift even though she doesn't tell us when she is at work or when her shifts are. She is the main reason for this hatred of the phrase.

Another phrase I hate, "there's no point in complaining." Spinner said this to me when I was talking about how they (our school) could make the choirs yearly fundraiser better and make it actually doable for all the grade levels. I didn't know I was complaining about it until he said that to me. And even then, I don't think I was complaining about it. I wasn't saying how much I hate it or that it was a stupid thing to do, I just was talking about how they could do it better instead of setting up, specifically the freshmen, to fail at this fundraiser. It's a shitty thing to do to the choir that are the building blocks for the rest of the choir's survivals.

anyway, if I catch any of you using these phrases I will personally plan your funeral in a dumpster.

[black-cat-curiosities]

loyal to a fault

i learned 2 days ago that someone i considered to be a best friend has been manipulating me from the start. 4 years. 4 fucking years. 4 long, painful, joyful, angering years. And I can't be mad at them. Because i know they didn't plan this shit.

Normally when you find out something like this, you learn they planned it out meticulously. But for me, it was accidental. It was what their world has been like for a long time, before they knew me. It's not their fault and it is at the same time and I don't know what to do.

I've never left them. Never. I've never left anyone. People around me say I'm loyal to a fault. That I'd be the character to have a villain in my circle and then not kill them even if i had too.

The thing is, they aren't wrong. They aren't wrong and I hate that. But I can't get rid of it. I don't want to get rid of it.

It reminds me of that time when Beanz girlfriend, Cherry, accused him cheating on her with me. I don't know if she still thinks that. But i trusted her. I trusted her, I listened to her problems, I listened to her when she ranted about shit that was definitely her fault and didn't say anything because i knew she liked him and I knew she thought i liked him because he looks similar to my boyfriend (scary similar, i mean).

It reminds me of the time I dated another trans guy and he led me on a sick fucking leash, knowing I'd follow and wait for him to like me because I liked him so much I was drowning in it.

It reminds me of when I allowed my cis boyfriends to shit on my pronouns and name because they had a rough day or they weren't used to having a boyfriend instead of a girlfriend.

It reminds me of the final straw i had giving chances to horrible people who I guilted myself into giving hundreds of second chances.

It reminds me of how i allowed them to lead me on for 8 fucking months because i was so desperate to prove i could have a normal, healthy relationship after an older guy tried to get me.

And fuck, it doesn't end there for them. They did so many toxic, hurtful things to me that i allowed because i was taught into excusing it because they had a mental health disorder.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't know if I'll keep them as a friend. Because we had good times. And i am so fucking afraid of letting them go and regretting it.

I've always known what to do, and now i dont.