blackfeathersflurry

[blackfeathersflurry]

A subtle little relapse...

I am hit with a reminder of how much I detest humans at times. Many of you are disgusting and vile creatures and frankly nothing but foul smelling refuse in my eyes. I frequently find myself pondering how evolution has managed to get us far enough as a species.

Yes.

You read that correctly.

I said us.

Meaning I do actually consider myself one of you (regrettably). But I do maintain the focus that there is a balance to the detestable individuals who seek to harm others for their own gain. There are those who are kind and genuine. Those who will reach out and offer food without asking anything in return. It was hard for me to grasp that. And I do admit that it still is at times.

In my life there were people who I could have turned to who were not vile. Who could have helped me. I never hated the world as I did in the beginning. I shut it out....mostly.

Nature was nice.

Presently...

Some are trying to understand the world around them. They try to scramble under the pressure and determine whether or not there is a misunderstanding. And it is difficult to find the courage to discuss the matter.

I understand this all too well...

Especially knowing when there may be borrowed time.

[blackfeathersflurry]

[00€: We are back everyone.]

The stars are beautiful

[blackfeathersflurry]

OOC: Good evening/Morning everyone...wherever many of you might be. I do apologize for the lack of posts as things have been pretty hectic in my life as of late. Due to family medical complications, mental health declines, an incline of hectic life occurrences and change and a recent passing of an acquaintance I am afraid I am going to put the blog on a temporary hiatus. And for that, I have to apologize. I never intended for this blog to be put on hold for so long. I wanted to do something that I and others could enjoy...but...really...this was just...I'm sorry.

I hope to get back to posting soon.

Thank you for your patience.

Until then, feel free to send in your asks. Sephiroth and MUW will see them upon our return.

[blackfeathersflurry]

The Difficulties of Keeping Your Head High

I am not healed. I refuse to confess that I ever was. And to take a step forward by any stretch of the means, only to take several steps back is frightening. This begins to eat away at a person. When it does, it leads to broken friendships and hazy mornings where you have no idea where the person had gone. Only the memory of "Don't come back..." stuck inside your head. You miss them. The fire that kept you warm with the other party burned you, but by your own design. Not because it hurt you. But because you stoked it far too much and stopped. Then you went back to starving it. Then feeding it...and then starving it for long periods of time. Because the idea of "distance makes the heart grow fonder" somehow makes sense to you.

But to that person, you are telling them that they aren't good enough.

When that person has trauma involving abandonment and is unable to voice it, it's almost impossible to know how your actions affect them. And while the person in question is from a military family, communication has never been easy due to the lie of needing to power through their struggles. Having to keep their head high when someone mistreated them or made them feel as though they were smaller than a bug only did so much for their self worth. To the point where my being away became acceptable.

In retrospect, MUW eventually felt like they had to give up. There are things happening in the background that are reminding me of my old life and I must enforce change to rebalance it. This is by all in tense and purposes a means to figure out how to work on managing a relationship and not adding to the trauma of someone else. Let alone your own. This is not a keep your head held high situation. It is not a negotiation. If this scenario is occurring between your friends and partners, it is a must scenario. If they dismiss it, then that is that. There are things that I wish I could turn back and fix.

Aerith, Nibelheim, Cloud, My cohorts...Zack.

However, a friend of mine has stated that the only way is through. Not hold your head high. While powering through something that causes emotional damage or stress, that actively causes pain and is not good for you or others is what many do, it doesn't mean one should.

As I have said, I am not healed. I will never say that I am. I am trying to ensure that I make it there. But I would prefer that i not hurt others along the way.

I have failed at that.

Lets get back up, fix the behavior and try again.

[blackfeathersflurry]

Source | Day 89

[blackfeathersflurry]

Ultimate List of Weapons and Arsenal for Fantasy Setting: Purpose and Who Uses Them. Writers save this!

Melee Weapons

1. Swords

- Longsword - Used by knights and warriors for versatile combat.

- Broadsword - Wielded by heavy infantry for powerful strikes.

- Rapier - Favored by duelists and nobles for precision and speed.

- Scimitar - Used by desert warriors and pirates for slashing attacks.

- Katana - Carried by samurai for swift, precise cuts.

- Claymore - Wielded by Highland warriors for heavy, sweeping attacks.

- Falchion - Used by mercenaries for its chopping power.

- Cutlass - Preferred by sailors and pirates for close-quarters combat.

2. Axes

- Battle Axe - Used by berserkers and heavy infantry for devastating blows.

- Hand Axe - Carried by scouts and light infantry for quick strikes.

- Throwing Axe - Utilized by skirmishers and hunters for ranged attacks.

- Great Axe - Wielded by barbarian warriors for massive damage.

- Tomahawk - Used by tribal warriors for both melee and throwing.

3. Maces and Hammers

- Warhammer - Used by knights and paladins to crush armor.

- Mace - Carried by clerics and guards for bludgeoning.

- Morning Star - Wielded by heavy infantry for spiked attacks.

- Flail - Used by foot soldiers to bypass shields.

- Maul - Carried by executioners and strongmen for heavy strikes.

4. Polearms

- Spear - Used by infantry and phalanx formations for thrusting.

- Halberd - Wielded by guards and soldiers for versatile attacks.

- Glaive - Carried by cavalry and elite guards for slashing and thrusting.

- Pike - Used by pikemen to counter cavalry.

- Trident - Favored by gladiators and fishermen for thrusting.

- Naginata - Wielded by samurai and monks for sweeping attacks.

5. Daggers and Knives

- Dagger - Carried by assassins and rogues for stealth kills.

- Stiletto - Used by spies and infiltrators for piercing.

- Dirk - Favored by sailors and scouts for close combat.

- Kris - Used by tribal warriors for its wavy blade.

- Bowie Knife - Carried by frontiersmen and adventurers for utility and combat.

6. Blunt Weapons

- Club - Used by peasants and guards for simple bludgeoning.

- Quarterstaff - Carried by monks and travelers for defense.

- Cudgel - Used by commoners and militia for self-defense.

- Baton - Carried by law enforcement for non-lethal control.

Ranged Weapons

1. Bows

- Longbow - Used by archers for long-range attacks.

- Shortbow - Favored by scouts and hunters for mobility.

- Crossbow - Carried by soldiers and hunters for powerful, accurate shots.

- Recurve Bow - Used by nomadic tribes for its compact design.

- Composite Bow - Favored by mounted archers for its strength and flexibility.

2. Throwing Weapons

- Throwing Knives - Used by assassins and ninjas for silent kills.

- Shuriken - Favored by ninjas for distraction and quick attacks.

- Throwing Axes - Utilized by skirmishers and hunters for ranged combat.

- Javelins - Carried by light infantry and hunters for throwing.

- Boomerang - Used by tribal warriors for hunting and combat.

3. Firearms (in some fantasy settings)

- Flintlock Pistol - Carried by pirates and duelists for close-range combat.

- Blunderbuss - Used by guards and hunters for its spread shot.

- Musket - Carried by soldiers for long-range engagements.

- Hand Cannon - Used by adventurers and mercenaries for powerful shots.

Magical Weapons

1. Enchanted Swords

- Flameblade - Wielded by fire mages and warriors for burning attacks.

- Frostbrand - Carried by ice mages and knights for freezing strikes.

- Shadowblade - Used by dark mages and assassins for stealth and shadow attacks.

- Lightbringer - Wielded by paladins and holy warriors for radiant damage.

2. Staves and Wands

- Wizard's Staff - Carried by wizards and sorcerers to channel magic.

- Wand of Lightning - Used by storm mages for lightning attacks.

- Staff of Healing - Carried by clerics and healers for restorative magic.

- Wand of Fireballs - Used by fire mages for explosive attacks.

3. Magical Artifacts

- Amulet of Protection - Worn by adventurers and warriors for defense.

- Ring of Invisibility - Used by spies and thieves for stealth.

- Cloak of Shadows - Worn by assassins and shadow mages for concealment.

- Orb of Power - Carried by archmages and sorcerers for enhanced magic.

Exotic Weapons

1. Whips

- Chain Whip - Used by martial artists and monks for flexible attacks.

- Fire Whip - Wielded by fire mages and circus performers for fiery strikes.

- Lightning Whip - Carried by storm mages for electrifying attacks.

2. Chakrams

- Throwing Disc - Used by warriors and hunters for ranged combat.

- Bladed Chakram - Favored by assassins and acrobats for slicing attacks.

3. Claws and Gauntlets

- Dragon Claws - Worn by beastmasters and warriors for slashing.

- Thunder Gauntlets - Used by storm mages and warriors for electric shocks.

- Poison Gauntlets - Carried by assassins and alchemists for toxic strikes.

4. Other Exotic Weapons

- Scythe - Used by reapers and necromancers for harvesting souls.

- Kusarigama (chain and sickle) - Wielded by ninjas and martial artists for versatile attacks.

- Nunchaku - Used by martial artists for rapid strikes.

- Tetsubo (iron club) - Carried by warriors and ogres for heavy bludgeoning.

Siege Weapons

1. Catapult - Used by armies to hurl large stones or projectiles at fortifications.

2. Ballista - Employed by defenders and attackers to shoot large bolts.

3. Trebuchet - Used by besieging forces to launch heavy projectiles over long distances.

4. Battering Ram - Carried by infantry to break down gates and walls.

5. Siege Tower - Used by attackers to scale walls and engage defenders directly.

Improvised Weapons

1. Torch - Used by adventurers and villagers for light and fire attacks.

2. Pitchfork - Carried by farmers and peasants for self-defense.

3. Shovel - Used by laborers and gravediggers for digging and combat.

4. Rock - Thrown by anyone in desperate situations for a quick attack.

5. Chair - Used in tavern brawls and by anyone needing an impromptu weapon.

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[blackfeathersflurry]

When the cosmos brings someone to you...

Treat them well. Be kind to them and do not laugh at their hobbies or interests. Enjoy it with them. Short of atrocious acts, I don't believe that that person could cause any harm by doing something that makes them smile.

Unless that smile quite literally lights up a room.

Then the question entails as to whether or not it's arson or a fault in the electrical system.

[00€ Disclaimer: This page does not condone arson or violence of any kind. Smokey the bear says only you can prevent forest fires.]

[blackfeathersflurry]

Thank you for thinking of me, @lumine-no-hikari

I...think it may be a bit small for my build. Then again I don't think I did this right. I also think I made myself look like I'm part of the TURKs....

....

I'm wondering how that may have panned out. But AS FOR THE QUIZ RESULT, I don't believe that I'm perfect by any stretch of the means. This...like many things are practiced. So I thank everyone for their patience and kindness moving forward.

lets start a chain cause why not

1. take this quiz

2. do this picrew of yourself

3. tag some fiends!

I'll start:

Dude 💀

tagging: @kimetsu-chan @larz-barz @aceofstars0 @exymybeloved @explosivesamurai

[blackfeathersflurry]

Oh for--

No.

I was a cult leader....sort of.

Proxy of Kadaj.

It was a strange experience.

I am not a lord and Savior. Please don't paint me that way. Zack, Angeal and Genesis are not my disciples. You don't kill your disciples. They go on to tell others about your work and your movement. Does no one understand the concept of a dogma?

At the same time, do I need to remind people that I.DO NOT. WISH TO BE. WORSHIPED.

I don't. Please don't. Let me live my life. Let me have my moments where I interact with grace and dignity, at my own behest without being a general or a hero.

I would really appreciate that.

Unless I'm topping someone.

Then it's yes sir, no sir and please sir.

Otherwise someone gets a firm hand.

Who knows.

But after prediscussion.

SSC and all.

Go get some water.

sometimes reddit has some good posts

[blackfeathersflurry]

Hair care routine?

What products do you use?

Why are you people so obsessed with my hair care routine?

Since you asked:

I use Aussie and pat dry with a T-shirt. My hair is difficult to manage on my own.

[blackfeathersflurry]

Things that we do not tolerate....

Let's begin, shall we? While there have been some asks coming in from those who've decided to remain anonymous, we here at @blackfeathersflurry have decided to make the stance to ignore and delete these asks and move on. However, to make things abundantly clear:

Ableism: there are those with different capabilities that differ from our own and we need to respect that. Yes, there are limitations. There are days where the pain is overwhelming or things that aren't visible are taking away ones ability to properly function. Regardless, it is not our place to mock, judge, antagonise, deny agency or otherwise. If we find any of that within the precipice of this page, you will be barred and black listed. There will be no warnings.

Racism: discussions on what micro aggressions are are perfectly normal. Performing micro aggressions and racist comments however will not be tolerated. This, like ableism is monitored very carefully. Commentary on how sensitive marginalized groups are does count as a micro aggression, and a very obvious one at that. We do not recommend that you make similar statements.

Homophobia: we are very LGBTQ+ friendly in this part of the internet. We are even LGBTQ+ ourselves. Any homophobia within our presence will be met with extreme prejudice and highly unwelcome. Much like the Shinra security at a pride parade.

Transphobia: MUW identifies as She/they. I will allow you lot to figure this one out for yourself.

Bullying:We are aware that our readers come from all walks of life. We know this. It is however the 21st century and we are doing our best to create a more accepting community. However...we do not tolerate bullies of any kind. And that includes certain members of groups who shall remain unnamed at this time. Namely groups who look like, as 00€ likes to call them, "ugly little ghost gnomes with burger and beer stains on their bed sheets and call themselves grand wizards like pretend clerics". While she is a southerner, she doesn't like being represented by those people, as they "lack proper manners". We don't even accept any of their cousin groups. Tolerating intolerance begets more intolerance. To which it then becomes a cycle.

Sexual Harassment: this one takes the cake. People are lovely. We understand. 00€ writes content and short stories to create side and filler arcs for your enjoyment. There is even a story for how I got here and it gets...🌶️🌶️🌶️ Spicy. Chapter three is in process. But circling back to sexual harassment. Say you are chatting with someone and you tell them that they are attractive. That is a compliment. Then you get a bit salacious and that person becomes uncomfortable. The situation becomes tense. They tell you to stop and you keep pushing. Then that is sexual harassment. We do not appreciate that. I'm fairly certain we don't have to repeat the no warnings bit.

We may update this list as we see fit. But for now. Enjoy yourselves. Don't be strangers.

Drink some water.

[blackfeathersflurry]

Regarding the post from last night.

I had to mull things over in deep thought over some coffee. MUW and I had a long discussion regarding the matter and what it came to. Last night's spiral felt very much like a waking nightmare as I stared up at the ceiling and watched the fan turn. And now it feels like I am suffering a deep set hangover from it all. I seldom ever drink as those are well...MUW's vices. I tend to try to keep myself as sober as possible. Yet somehow, despite not taking in a drop, it still feels like I have.

I know that there are those who struggle with these things to cope with their pain. Namely due to lack of access to other resources, or trauma from others using the system to manipulate those individuals. I have noticed that some systems remain unfair to those who are left in extremely vulnerable, if not dire conditions....I've seen similar situations in Midgar. While the reality remains, I still shift in discomfort that there is little power that remains in my grasp. My sway and influence is minimal. MUW remains dubious of the patrons of the system. She calls them leaches who treat the poor like cattle and the wealthy like golden harps sent from heaven. These people were the readon for her father's greed and her grandmother's death, apparently. But we are getting off topic. While change is important, so is kindness.

Money is empty and soulless, despite its necessity. Land, though needed and better left in the hands of a trusted family member, is best for providing for a town and a village. Wealth cannot be taken with you when you are gone. Neither can glory. Your title does not matter.

However, the way you treat others will always be remembered. The weight of your sins will always be carried whether you are alive or dead, and it is up to you to decide how to heal from it.

I am still having difficulty.

A friend of mine is being very helpful and patient in this regard. I cannot say how grateful I am for them.

Some days you may have a screaming match with yourself when it comes to whether or not you deserve to heal. Or whether or not you deserve good things. This is perfectly reasonable. So long as that screaming match does not reduce you to someone who chooses to habitually neglect and abuse yourself.

It becomes painful and you will feel the repercussions of doing so after making it a habit.

Keep this in mind.

Now...

My little wings....

Take care of yourselves. Drink some water.

You don't have to love yourselves. But do try to find common ground until you can atleast find a means to get along.

[blackfeathersflurry]

Things have been...Sporadic, of late.

I can't find any other words to describe it.

When you have an ancient parasite eating at your mind and filling your head with violent thoughts about killing the planet, you often ponder what it means to truly survive. Having been a test subject in isolation for most of my life I had a roof over my head, food and a bed to sleep in, I should be grateful. But in exchange, my body was the product of gruesome experimentation and I had to endure a painful healing process. I cannot describe the psychological disorders that I developed along the way. When I was enlisted as a child, I was meant to protect. I was told to do good. It kept others happy. I have to make others happy....I have to be a hero....

A good product of Shinra...

A leader.

Nothing more.

.....

I don't know how else to possibly end this beyond telling you all to take care of yourselves. Set firm boundaries and remember to trust in the people who care about you. Popularity isn't everything when you feel lonely all the time. But few friends who keep you afloat are the greatest treasures in the world.

I'm sorry you all had to see this side of me.

Cont'd

[blackfeathersflurry]

"I Can fix him."

Don't.

He knows what he's doing.

If he doesn't want to be that way or can't control it, help him find the resources, but let the resources take it from there. He's not ready for a relationship.

If he doesn't want the help but instead chooses to continue the pattern, run.

It will only hurt you.

"But Sephiroth, MUW and 00€ fixed you!"

No, they didn't. I wasn't given a choice to go to therapy. Rather, it was one of my stipulations for staying with MUW. And MUW kept a stern distance from me for a good month or two.

"I can fix him.", creates an ideology that ultimately puts both parties into a toxic situation. Or worse, it gives an abuser incentive to take hold of a vulnerable individual. This not only creates a distrust in relationships, but also a distrust in men. Especially men like me. I am not going to deny that I am still going to do bad things as a way of providing for those in need or the people who have become family (I am not referring to bouts of rage. I'm not that unhinged and I choose to maintain self awareness and control.). These things, however, do not expunge previous histories of committing genocide or murdering innocent people.

"No matter what happens, chances are that I will leave Shinra in the end."

That is atleast close to what I said, if memory serves correct.

I didn't want to be in SOLDIER. It wasn't even my call to begin with.

Then I was in a library for days, like a man possessed.

In my canon...well I don't want to give spoilers....

Either way, I ended up burning down Nibelheim.

By this worlds standards, I should be somewhere close to 48-50 years old. However, being imprisoned in a time space limbo keeps you at the age of 31. And as I look at the math, you can see that there was quite a bit of time to reflect. I am perfectly aware of my behavior. And even though the physical age doesn't suit the mental, I am perfectly self aware of my actions as opposed to most men my age.

(No, I do not get the senior discount at IHOP.)

And when one is imprisoned in a time space limbo, you learn a few things in the in-between. For starters, you learn to reflect on your sins and determine that your actions are by every means yours. Even if you are under influence of Jenova and Mako addiction, they will still be yours and there is no changing it. Just like the person you want to "fix".

No matter how many times you try to chase down an unhealthy obsession to try and replace someone,or even someone to have some sort of an emotional connection with, be it through psychic link or otherwise; chances are...that person may beat you to a pulp. At best, not even want you back. And the latter is the best case scenario. I cannot be any gentler than this.

So the "I can fix him" mentality goes under the assumption that the person in question even wants to be fixed. It's ,at best, a form of cognitive dissonance.

Please remember that.

And for fucks sake drink some water.

[blackfeathersflurry]

I saw this on 00€'s profile and they sent it to me. They felt need to bring light to a situation that in my self doubt of late it was best that I needed to have a light pick me up. However, I felt the need to share this myself. Regardless, I also would like to share this for whomever see's this blog. I share fireflies for MUW and those who look for peace in the night. They are also wonderful to watch. I reassure people who come across my page, regardless of whether or not they follow me. It shouldn't matter. I do not look to be idolized or worshipped. I look to reach out and try to keep a record of where I am going and how I am moving forward in the hopes that I can maybe provide someone to talk to while I do so. The past happened. I can't deny that it happened and it will take me a long time to heal from it.

I was unable to deny my position of the poor ethics of scientific experimentation. By my own father, no less. No one even reached out to tell him to stop. I was trained until the point of breaking. If I got it wrong, well...the results were unpleasant. The training varied. Intelligence....Combat...reflexes...speed....these things were not to be shy of the perfection that Shinra so demanded. To ensure that this perfection increased, my cells were infused with Jenova's each and every single time. I'm still trying to find rhyme or reason as to whether or not this was a punishment.

I was excited when I joined the military. It meant my days of isolation were over. However, it also meant that I would be watched and supervised at all times. I would be acting on Shinra and Hojo's orders. And I was too terrified to step out of line. Because if I stepped out of line, I would be put away again. The paper white walls and the glass would be all I saw from my day to day and the only privacy that I would receive would be in the night. In my blind spot where the camera could not watch me. I never thought about turning and cutting down my watchers without orders. I never thought about how being a child soldier was completely unethical. Not until the girl beyond the mirror nailed this into my head for the umpteenth time. And I was wounded. I would frequently get hurt. I would make friends and lose them in combat. I would even push myself to the limit and eventually find myself distancing myself from my platoon.

"We have orders." I would tell them. Frequently. "Don't get too rowdy. We have an early morning."

My compatriots will always remain fresh in my memory. The only other time I ever made friends was with three other SOLDIER's. All were first class. All of them died. All by mine or the third SOLDIER's hand. The third, Zack-was only beginning. He is the one I regret the most.

In time I may forgive myself for them. In time I may even forgive myself for the atrocities I've committed. I want a normal life.

So I have decided to create a better life.

In any case,

I hope everyone see's this and finds what they need within themselves. I know it's not always easy. It is actually rather difficult at times. It's even more difficult to forgive yourself.

You’ve grown into someone who would have protected you as a child. And that is the most powerful move you made.

[blackfeathersflurry]

A Letter to A Friend

@lumine-no-hikari -#204

I see that you have undergone some weather struggles. Where I am, it seems to have been somewhat strenuous as well. Where I am, there are some issues regarding the weather and precipitation as well. It almost makes me wonder... (laugh). But in all seriousness, I am sorry that the lack of power has diminished access to your breathing devices. That does not sound like the most ideal situation for you. Frankly, with the Shinra power company, they had a tendency to perform power outages on a weekly basis. If you lived in the city, it became less and less convenient to keep your power on. Things like keeping your house warm or brightening your bedroom was nearly impossible. To have a Shinra reactor was hardly ideal as it meant that Hojo would have a space to store his experiments....but I am rambling. The infrastructure was not well kept after a while. As you well know, sector four was not an ideal area to be around for those in the well to do. Even those blinded by their comfort avoided Sector four as though it were a disease that should be burned.

But I digress.

In the time I have been reading your letters, I have been taking note of your life over the days I have missed. And for that I am sorry. To begin, I am once again extremely proud of you for obtaining a job at the bakery. I am very excited for your progression in the department and am eager to see what you accomplish. Second, I understand that mistakes do happen. Triggers occur. Please remember to be patient with yourself and understand that sometimes, even though people who have hurt us are no longer there. Understand that even though they are no longer there, the things we are feeling are still very real and they exist because of the choices someone else made. It is better to nurse the wound as opposed to ignore it. It's okay to take a step back and evaluate the situation rather than apologize profusely over a mistake that happens all the time in a grocery store bakery. Chances are, that specific branch makes billions a year, and that store makes a little over two to three million in your respective area. I think they can spare the supplies. You should focus on yourself in that moment. Your healing is what is most important.

I felt the need to address this because this is one of the things that stood out to me the most. Your healing and personal needs should come first. These are very much like food and water for your body. They cannot be neglected. As much as I enjoy seeing things like your tea and your adventures, I felt like perhaps it was best to talk about your mental health and well being first and foremost.

Second, I am not sure if I have addressed this as of yet. But did you know that someone who states that another person or group of people should kill themselves is often the one of the main progenitors of a global suicide rate of 703,000 people according to a 2019 study? Often times, this includes individuals with severe mental health diagnosis', physical ailments, poverty levels...the list goes on. And when you look at the data, it really depends on the country. Regardless, lets take a look at how many people will die or even attempt to take their own lives, simply because someone decided to say something like this. When someone says something like this, they can be held liable for chosen family losing someone near and dear to them. When someone says "So and So does not deserve to live" or a certain group of people "Should just die", they are pushing several people over the edge and will potentially into a place where they will stay under watch for twenty four hours. MUW has been in such a place. MUW has then been put under watch for well over a week for their attempt because of someone who tortured them to the brink of self loathing. They received no love or support. The only person they relied on wasn't there. So when you told me about the person who said this in a previous letter, and you informed me of their cruelty, this reminded me of those events. Among several others. It made me think of several people who are still going through some difficult times and are incapable of escaping. Many who are in domestic violence situations and ready to take their own lives.

I want to be angry and lash out.

But I must maintain self control.

Regardless Lumine, there are several things from you that I need to catch up on and so much that I want to say. So much that I would like to respond to. But for now, let me tell you what has been occurring in my life. For starters, it has gotten cold where I am. It is likely from the rain, I don't know. I suspect it's due to the air conditioner running all of the time. Namely because it is slightly warm by the window by the stairs. I think you would like it. Since it was raining these past few days, MUW has taken it upon themselves to drag me outside and danced for a moment beneath the trees, before running to the back yard and having the both of us slosh about in the mud with bear feet. We have cat's you see. I guess you could say we've rescued quite a few. There is one in particular that is fading because of a brain tumor, whom MUW is having a difficult time with.

As for your furry friend, I never got back to you regarding that. I never had the chance to say hello, but I did light a candle and sent prayers their way. I do hope that they reach them. By the way, when it comes to people like you and MUW, I do need you to know, that the lack of acceptance needs to be fought for on all accounts. Acceptance is non-negotiable. Just as much as ones place in the LGBTQIA.

What was the term?

"Accept my existence or expect my resistance."?

Not Respect. Accept. No negotiations.

It's easy to think you are not strong enough. But I believe you are. You believed in me this long haven't you?

Tell me; How is your therapy going?

With love and tenderness

-Sephiroth

[blackfeathersflurry]

Let's Discuss How a Friendship Works:

The following chat is a simulation of an indirect discussion in a one sided friendship:

Chocobo: Hey...

MUW: Oh, Hey! Haven't heard from you in a while.

Chocobo: Oh my God, [goes on a tangeant about the things that have occurred in their lives.] And my mother hasn't made it easy. She's [XYZ]

MUW: Oh, I see. Is there some way that I may be of any support?

Chocobo: No.

Chocobo: I'm good. :)

MUW: Well, thank you for reaching out to me. I always love hearing from you. I know things have been difficult for the both of us. And I haven't been the best example in terms of reaching out either.

MUW: Why don't we catch up? See what else has been going around the bend?

Chocobo: My family is going out for the day and I will be getting the house to myself.

MUW:....

Chocobo: Alone.

MUW: I'll catch you later, then. ^_^'

.......

This is supposed to be what one calls a friend?

I've made better friends with fungus.

My dear readers, followers... flurries....I think I will call you my flurries. I think you should very well know that a friend should be direct. Yes, your feelings and their feelings may be hurt. However, emotional maturity must be developed in situations like these. The chat was merely a simulation, however it was based on a very real conversation that a friend of mine underwent. No one should ever be used. Not a single person should ever be made to feel like they are a last resort when it comes to a so-called friendship. As angry as I am, I must refrain from acting. If you find that you are in any kind of dynamic like this, it is ok to walk away. The friend in question is trying. Eight years is a heavy burden for them. They are trying to see the good in this person, even though there is absolutely.none.left. I see an empty shell of what that person used to be.

And that person does not care for anyone else beyond themselves or their ego.

....

Forgive me....

I'm venting.

Regardless, let's circle back and break this down.

Let's ask ourselves these questions, shall we?

Does your friend:

Respect you?

Maintain healthy boundaries?

Communicate openly?

Check in with you after long communication lapses?

Pick up where the friendship left off and retain interest in your life with the same care and respect as you do theirs?

Encourage your hobbies and interests?

Are supportive when you are sick or feeling down?

Or do they:

Show disinterest in your interests or hobbies/make fun of them?

Push your boundaries?

Show disinterest in your life unless it involves ulterior motive or personal gain?

Avoid communication or react to hairline incidents?

Make hints about not wanting to talk to you?

Use you as a personal punching bag? (This can occur in a number of ways)

By answering these questions and weighing the pros and the cons we can determine whether the friendship is healthy for us and deep dive into the next steps. For example. If there is a balanced scale then there is likely going to need to be a lot of communication involved, and potentially a deep dive into whether or not the friendship is capable of surviving. If the scale is balanced and your friend is gaslit, or you are the one gaslighting your friend, then chances are there needs to be an interpersonal re-evaluation on both sides regarding the relationship dynamic.

As it goes, my life was very complicated and extremely misaligned prior to the events that led to the creation of this blog. I had friends who disappeared from SOLDIER. Their names were Angeal and Genesis. I worried over them for a long while and could barely eat because of it. The ability to take care of myself began to wane because of the depression and anxiety that I spiraled into and in the end...well...many of you know what happened.

My friend is going through something similar. She's been stuck in a situation where she can't leave and is even losing a pet. A friend that she's had for a long time is now betraying her and she is keeping a poker face before him while he tries to play mind games. This person, specifically my friend, used to smile and laugh a lot. The past five years have changed her completely.

Many of you are likely wondering, "Why doesn't she leave?" .

It's not so simple.

Not everyone can leave something like an eight year friendship at the drop of a hat. Especially one that they believe will go back to being healthy. It's not. As much as she wishes it will be. She says she will walk away without a care. But the moment she does, she will break. It will shatter her. And there will be hardly anyone there to pick up the pieces.

Many of you will likely believe the same thing of yourselves.

Many of you will think you will stand as tall as a tree and be able to walk away.

Remember that I broke down and gave in to Jenova.

Remember that cloud nearly succumbed to the black materia and almost killed Tifa.

Do I need to go on?

We are all the most fragile when we lose the people we love. Be it to betrayal, death, abandonment...and so on.

Never think you are strong enough or prepared enough to withstand any of those things.

Never think it won't happen to you.