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awwwweeee!!! badly needed this reminder. 🥹
Okay but every time you deal with something hard on your own, even though you feel that initial pull of sadness that you can’t go to someone who used to be a source of comfort for you to share the burden, you are actually building internal strength and fortitude. So consider THAT this morning
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I’m tired of being sad and resentful.
I want to make avenge for myself by loving the people in my life harder and true. I think that’s the kind of revenge I’m always good at.
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I think the most challenging thing about grieving a relationship is realizing that I’ve lost a person who once added value and significance to my life. It’s about not allowing my pain turn him into a bad person, because I am reminded that he once made me felt loved, seen and understood.
Sometimes, I think about how cruel life can be for making me once feel that the person I love was my enemy.
It’s unfair for the both of us. It’s unfair for the love that we once shared.
How I wish we’ve met each other later in life.
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i missed myself, that person i was before i knew what heartbreak was.
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He likes to hear about my day, how I rant about random things, whether it be about politics or the family gathering that I recently attended to.
At night, I would sit at my desk, hit the "call" button and start talking. or i would lay at my bed, then we would talk over the phone until the we get tired.
now that he is not here with me anymore, I'm keeping a diary of things that I wanted to tell him if he is still here, so when he decides to come back, i could just hand it to him saying,
"so you wouldn't miss a thing."
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"i wonder if we ever think of each other at the same time."
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I think I am better now. The thought of you doesn’t weigh me down anymore. I don’t overthink things like I used to before and I am learning to let go of things gracefully and with peace.
BUT AT THE SAME TIME, I have already accepted that there will be days when I feel I have made progress, only to find myself weighed down by the thought of you and overthink things like I used to before. But the good news is I am now allowing myself to feel these emotions fully!
I think I have already created just enough internal space to admit that I still have to long for things that are no longer with me now, indefinitely!
I just know that this is just grief, and “what is grief if not love persevering?”
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maybe people are telling me that what we had was not love.
but he was the first person who made me want to be better, he was the first person who called me out when my thoughts are drowning me, he was also the person who made me not feel ashamed for how big i could feel, he was the first person who studied me, who really understood me.
maybe it was not love, but he was the first person who told me that it is my brain that he loves most about me.
maybe it was not love, but Lord, he was the first person who showed me who i really am and what i am capable of.
my friends, he believed me more than i believed myself.
maybe it was not love, but for me, it was!
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i think grieving is already an art i’ve learned.
i have finally knew how to hold grief, entertain it when it visits again, bid it goodbye when it wants to leave, and welcome it again when it wanted to be felt.
sometimes, i found myself talking to it, making it known and making it feel taken care of.
that grief was once love i held so dear.
and everytime it strikes me again, i found myself whispering the following words:
“grief was just a reminder that what i had was real. it was my ticket for loving. it was my prize that i once loved.”
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Sometimes, I wonder why I long for you so eagerly when I am at the lowest of my emotions. The longingness to hear your voice and run to you and tell you all about the storms inside my head.
And I also wonder why you only remember me when you are at your highest. The eagerness to tell me about the things that you achieved and will achieve, that smile on your face when you showed me your trophy.
[why are we like this?]
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Sometimes, I wonder why after all these months I still miss you and I still want to talk to you. Sometimes, the people in my life who know about our situation always tell me that I should be gotten over you by now.
They are actually right!
But you are a whole person I love, and there’s nothing wrong about me wishing you are still here. 🥹
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If we ended up together, I’d probably cooking by now, or waiting for your arrival at the front door, or maybe I am washing the dishes while you are sitting in your desk pouring your soul over that research.
However, we didn’t end up together. So, here I am in this neighborhood café. My work just ended, I am eating my dinner and I still have some law classes to attend to.
Honestly, between those two alternate lives, nothing is better than the other. Each life is the life that I could just easily live. But I cannot help thinking what my life would be if you are still here. However, if you are still here, I will not be the kind of person I am now.
This is the present now. We’ve grown apart. This is for the better.
If we ended up together, our laughters would echo on the walls by now.
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In my early twenties, I was actually quite good at leaving and giving up. I gave up when I was about to enter my final year in law school. I gave up reaching other people’s expectations of me. I gave up proving myself. I gave up asking for help.
And I knew that when I finally gave up, I gave everything I could to save it. Sometimes, I take pride in saying it takes courage to give up too.
Until love knocks on my door, stayed for a while, then I decided to give up on it. Then, I realized I’ve let go of it prematurely, impulsively. I thought I was ready to let it go, but actually, i was just invalidating my feelings. I pushed it away when all I ever wanted was to ask it to stay.
And when it asked to be let go, I realized my courage from giving up on things from the past was nothing compared to the amount of courage that I need to let this go.
I realized I was not good at leaving or giving up on things. I was never good at it.
It was my pride.
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the most common advices that i get from people everytime i talk about that “situation” were “you’re one lucky girl. God saved you from that situation.” “you dodged a bullet.” “you deserve better.”
well, i maybe lucky, maybe it was divine intervention. maybe it was for the better. maybe it ended for a reason.
but oh gosh. where do i put all the love down?!
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Someone told me that I am so straightforward and that would make me an amateur in the dating scene. Sometimes, I should try to make myself unavailable and not to invest a lot of feelings in someone. She said, the good thing about being straightforward is that would make me loyal and that I am able to maintain a long-term relationship, but when it hurts, when all fails, the pain is going to be immeasurable and that would put me in a losing end. Hence, I should learn to play the games in love.
Then, I realize I don't think that is something that this pain is trying to teach me. I know it didn't want me to become someone I am not. And God would never want me to keep people around only to use them for my own void. I definitely don't think that is something that my healing is wanting to teach me. I don’t take pride in my pain. I take pride in my ability to love honestly and truthfully and I can only do that when someone is also honest and truthful with me. Anything else, or the middle ground is something that I cannot live with.
So I still plan to be straightforward forever, and have the understanding that not all people are going to be like that. And that there's nothing wrong with wanting to know what you want, especially in people that you want to keep around forever.
And maybe that’s why I keep on ending things that are unsure of me.
That’s why I ended it with him, eventhough it broke the hell out of me.
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