blimbie

[blimbie]

10/30/22

first time on tumblr in a while ! obvs since it's been more than 4 years since my last post, a lot has changed/happened in my life. Here are some things in no particular order:

have my own apartment, 2 cats, nice car

uhh covid happened. and is still happening

I started working part time as a teller at a bank at the beginning of 2019, went to full time, became a universal teller, then moved to a different branch as a head teller

tomorrow I start a new position in the company at the ops center as a call center rep. I'm nervous but am optimistic about it, bc it seems like I will actually be valued by my boss there

former boss from when I was a head teller was so manipulative and caused me so much anxiety that I developed chronic fatigue and gastroparesis. got intermittent FMLA time bc of how much it affected me

trying to decide whether I report anything to HR about how much I've suffered bc of my former boss

before I had my apartment my family moved to the next town over with my nana and papa all into one house. I left bc never being alone and having my papa around all the time was affecting my mental health

berni died a month or so ago... still very sad from that but trying not to dwell on it, bc I dont think she would want me to

been experiencing a lot of uncontrollable anxiety for a while, lately making my heart beat really fast, but I'm trying to use art (mostly zentangle and wood-painting projects) to ground myself

I still talk with Charlene. it's over the phone now bc of covid, we have appointments once a week

I visit my family multiple times a week, a lot of times to have dinner when I get out of work. I love them all very much and think that having my own apartment has helped me enjoy my time with them more.

money is p tight right now for me, I'm *just* making it with rent and electric and copays etc. Hoping to get a raise soon after I switch positions

my parents still have edie and winnie, and they begrudgingly coexist. we couldnt find a home for winnie and couldnt bear to part with another dog...no major incidents since the one in my last post

ginnie got a kitten and named him Moose! he never stops moving and loves to play and bite lol. he was a barn kitten from my friend. my parents absolutely love him and wish he were theirs

ginnie has a boyfriend now and hes really nice. I think theyve been together for like 2 years now? they went to elementary school together and reconnected thru some video game. he has proven to really be a genuinely good person over this past summer bc ginnie went into this spiraling anxiety episode that lasted months, and was still supportive of her the whole time. (I know that should be the bare minimum, but he also like was very mature about it, took the time to comfort her, and did not even express that he was overwhelmed, bc that would have been perfectly understandable.) shes still recovering from it and takes meds for it, and also has a therapist she speaks with like once a week. she seems to be doing a lot better and is willing to try to go out and do things

today, I'm going to visit my parents house for dinner and cake to celebrate getting this new position. atlas was gonna go but they decided to stay home bc they're tired (which is fair)

atlas has a serious boyfriend and lives with him in their bosses' house on the 3rd floor. they have Moose's brother, who I named Scrump, along with Gruffen and Matt's puppy named Ripley. things have not been easy for atlas and matt but they are working together to try and make a good life for each other

...right now, I am sitting on my couch with my cat Mochi in my lap. he is warm and loves me a lot. he wants to be with me all the time. hes also a dummy and loves to run around and cause trouble. Maisie is either in my room all cozy or in her kitchen window bed all cozy. she loves me very much too, just in a less blatant way than Mochi. I got maisie first and have known her since she was like 2 weeks old. she was a barn kitten and is now 2 years old. she can be a brat but she is my brat and I love her so much too

...thats all I can think of right now. although things have been shaky and my anxiety can be unpredictable, I have a good support system and as long as I try my best, that's all anyone can ask for.

[blimbie]

4/26/18

it's a little past 10pm and my dad is watching the football draft or whatever. I'm feeling pretty okay rn considering I got my period today and did a lot of moving.

since my last entry I've had the hip replacement, gotten off the crutches, gone through home physical therapy and now I'm like 3 weeks into outpatient PT. today they really had me do a lot of stretching and moving but I dont mind at all, it makes me feel good that I'm exercising like twice a week. and I feel like I'm making progress too I can tell that my hip is stronger since i started the outpatient PT.

in less positive news, we have to get winnie a new home. her and edie got into a fight inexplicably and winnie had to get a fair amount of staples in her neck, like it was ripped open down to the muscle. I'm still really sad about it but not as much as I wa as before. we asked my grandparents if they could take her and my grampa decided the answer was no. that would have been the ideal scenario to come out of this but now that's out of the question we're not sure what we're going to do. I asked monika from work if she would want winnie bc her son died a little over a year ago and I figured even tho she still has her family she feels lonely. we also want to try and still see winnie and monika lives near us it wouldn't be hard to visit as long as it was okay with her. she's on vacation now and said if we havent found a home for her by may 10th she'll come meet her. I'm not as enthusiastic about it as I was bc she's not my absolute favorite person and I dont know how she would feel about us visiting to see winnie. I dont even know if she'll like winnie but I guess we'll see.

my dad and I met up with ms. hughes at the Starbucks in market 32 last night and it was a really good time. she kept hugging me and just looking at my face and saying "you're wonderful. you look so great." we talked about her mom who recently passed away (that's how I reunited with her; my dad was the hospice social worker who handled her case and they realized they knew each other) and I learned that her husband died bc of his heroin addiction. I told her about liam and how I heard he started doing heroin after one of his friends died and she was just absolutely dumbstruck. she didn't know how much of a drinker he was either and that kind of made me realize that some teachers really have no idea what their students do outside of school. although, ms. hughes tends to think the best of the people she likes so it probably never even occurred to her that he would do that. she asked about corrie and fiona and Emily and even frank and I showed her pics of his dog finley. she did a lot of the talking and I think it really lifted her spirits to meet up and have a nice hour and a half chat. she wants to try and meet up like every 3 weeks which I'm totally up for, I'd love to stay in contact with her. she's such an honest, genuine and real person. I'm going to try and see if I can get some of the crew to meet with us next time I think she'd really like that.

I've stopped going to church and my parents aren't angry about it at all. it started when i didn't really attend any of the Easter masses and in just some regular conversation I told my dad that I havent believed in god for a while, basically since my junior year when I actually learned some of the things about the catholic religion. when i told my parents about this they weren't upset at all but my dad wants me to get a "spiritual counselor." he suggested mrs. z and I'm just not into the idea right now. if I'm being honest I would like to believe that there is something like a god or someone who watches over us or that there is something after death, but I dont want to believe it if I cant make sense of it and I really cant right now. and both my parents and I are okay with that.

Emily's birthday is coming up and I'm excited as usual bc I love buying her gifts but I hope she's not disappointed this year. I went more of a funny route this year and I hope I didn't overdo it. I probably shouldn't have spent $25 on a travel coffee mug with one of the creepy guys who plays in the eric andre shows band but I think she'll like it. I know she said she needs a travel mug so if anything, she got that. I spent too much (as usual) but right now I dont really have anything else I'm spending money on other than my PT copay so I just keep telling myself it's okay (whether or not that's the truth. I have a decent amount saved so it should be okay).

I've spent some time driving with my mom the past couple of days. I even drove part of the way to my nanas house this weekend and I think I did well. my mom gets so nervous sometimes but that's just how it's going to be. I think a lot of parents are like that with their kids. but yeah I've gotten some more experience, maybe I'll do a little more tomorrow.

I'm not hanging out with Emily tomorrow even though it's a Friday and she's coming home but it's okay bc I'm going to hang out with sadie. I'm not sure whether it's going to be at my house or her house but I'll figure it out when the time comes. if its here we'll prob like have chicken parmesan and talk and watch a movie or tv or something. either way I'll be doing something so I wont be too mopey.

I'm still not back to work yet but I'm scheduled to go back may 22nd. I dont think I'm nervous to go back but we'll see when the time gets closer. I dont get a huge amount of hours during the summer anyway bc they usually hire a decent amount of people during that time so I'm not worried about being working all the time. Emily got a job at lowes and is starting like may 17th I think. she's getting $13.50 an hour and she's basically getting full time hours so I'm nervous about not being able to see her as much during the summer between how much she's working and how our work schedules align but I'm trying not to worry about it right now. it'll just make me sad and I dont need to think about it right now bc the time is not here yet. I need to enjoy the time we have before she has to work while it lasts.

I'm dreading this Sunday right now bc everyone who is going on the stupid Disney vacation (that we cant even afford but are committed to anyway) is coming to our house for like a dinner type of thing where they'll discuss a bunch of details about how we're going to make this work (for example, how are we going to fit 12 peoples weeks worth of luggage into the small trunk area of the 15 passenger van?) I'm super not excited for it; neither the get-together nor the vacation itself. once again I keep telling myself not to think about it too much but c'mon. I already know it's going to be a total nightmare. hopefully I'm wrong.

everyone's gone upstairs to bed so I guess I'm gonna go now too. I'm pretty tired anyways. talk again soon :•)

(I'm still into that smiley face. I saw maddox--formerly michaela--post it in the text of one of their instagram posts and was totally into it)

[blimbie]

2/26/18

im going to have a total left hip replacement tomorrow. im not too nervous im mostly just thinking that I didn't follow the pre-op directions correctly and they won't do the surgery. I took Advil 2 days ago and I wasn't supposed to (I was supposed to stop taking it on the 20th bc it's an anti inflammatory medicine and I guess you're not supposed to do that). I'm hoping it still works out and everything, I'm ready to just get this fucken thing done and not be in so much pain.

Emily has been so nice she's bought a bunch of movies and she's gonna sit with me when she gets home this weekend and watch some. I love her so much. she reblog stuff about not being straight and we've talked about how a lot of people aren't just plain and simple on sexuality, it works as more of a spectrum and I agree with that.

Sadie has a boyfriend named Dylan and I'm really happy for her, he seems so incredibly nice and she truthfully does deserve to be with such a caring, loving person. I've been over her house a couple times, got to pet some cows. my fave one (katie) had her baby and I haven't gotten to see it in person but from the snapchats she's sent me it looks like it's really cute. sadie is right, cows are honestly big grass dogs. they love being pet.

buster is doing okay, we give him a quarter pill in a little treat picket thing in the morning and at night and he seems to be doing decent. he's still p skinny but hasn't lost any of his annoying/"charming" spirit.

I made an amazing painting for Emily of princess leia. it's the best painting I've ever made so far, 100% sure. she asked me to make it for her before she started school this year and I drew it out and painted a little of it but I wasn't feeling it, I could tell something about it didn't look right but I didn't know how it needed to be fixed.

note to self: if having a hard time figuring out what exactly is wrong with the piece of art you're working on, put it aside for a while and then come back to it. having a fresh point of view can help you see the exact flaws easier.

after putting it aside for a couple months, I was able to see what I needed to do and I got right to it. it only took me like three days to finish the whole thing, I was really feelin it. I think it revived in me some of my desire to make art.

Emily's brother got a little corgi puppy, Finley. he's super cute I love him so much. very much a quality dog. his girlfriend of course is being very over the top about it (she bought a fucken baby bag for the dog with its name embroidered into it). hopefully it all works out and Emily's brother will learn to stand up for himself and tell her she's being ridiculous about the dog. we'll see

in general, every thing is doing okay. I still get in a pit of sadness every once in a while but I usually can get myself out of it after a little bit. I'm on medical leave from work until like the end of April so I won't be working for a while which could be good or bad. initially I was excited about not having to work for a while (I still kind of am) but I hope it won't like mentally bother me. I'm anxious that I'll either not want to work anymore or will be so depressed the whole time I'm not working, like before I got my job. once again i guess we'll see

im trying not to overthink things and sort of let them unfold as they will and react then instead of now. it's still a work in progress but I think I'm doing better.

thanks for listening :•)

[blimbie]

8/26/17

still in love. but it's a one sided thing. which is shit. also Emily leaves for school the day after tomorrow so I'm nervous to see how I react. but yeah being attracted to women as a woman sucks bc for me, I know whoever I find interest in will most likely be straight and would never talk to me again if I admitted my feelings. it's like 5am so I guess I should go back to sleep

[blimbie]

6/25/17

I'm at work and today has already been a shit day for me, and emily snapchatting me a pic of her and corrie hanging out really pisses me off. part of it is jealousy. but you know what else? senior year corrie treated Emily like shit, to the point where she straight up told Emily she was a reason she wanted to kill herself. It's good that they've made up but it infuriates me to no end that despite the fact that corrie basically ignored her for a year and said that to her, Emily is all fine and good with picking her up and driving around and buying shit with her as if nothing happened. people have done lesser things to Emily and she made the decision to stay away from them. and where does that leave me huh? i never would but if i treated her like shot she wouldnt talk to me anymore. i dont fucking get it. I fucking hate this I'm so fucking angry leave me the fuck alone

[blimbie]

5/31/17

I hung out with this kid from work yesterday and I was really nervous about it bc I didn't really know what his intentions were at all. now I feel bad bc he's only going to be working at cvs until June 13th and I didn't even know. and i didn't even find out from asking him stuff, it was my dad who actually had been talking to him and his life situation was relevant to the conversation. apparently he lives with his grandma and disabled father but he's going to be moving to live with his brother and his fiancee. James pays for everything in his life. he's moved 16 times in his 20 years of life. I feel so bad knowing everything he's been through now, and me not even bothering to ask about it also, my friend has been acting weird or at least it seems like it to me. I could very well be overreacting bc we all know i am a big culprit of that and it wouldn't surprise me. but it's been like 3 or 4 days and I don't know what's happening. she's been distant and I feel like I did something wrong. on her Tumblr she's said that she feels even worse than she did yesterday and I just want to help. she hasn't really been answering my snapchats or nearly as often as she normally would. she isn't really doing anything right now she's just sitting with her sister but granted her sister did just injure her arm and I know i am jealous that she's spending time with her and not me, which is epsecially terrible of me considering once again that her sister is hurt. but I don't know. usually she just has me tag along for stuff like that. usually she wants to hang out every day and now I feel like I'm bugging her (even though she said I'm not) by asking her multiple times a day if she wants to hang out. I just really care about her a lot and I want her to not feel terrible. and I also hate being alone. bc then I get in a mood like this and I don't get out of it until like Emily decides to hang with me. fucking a. I hate myself right now I really do i should be fine with not hanging out with her for 2 days in a row but no I'm a fucking fragile baby worm that can't handle being distracted from it's own thoughts for more than an hour without wanting to kill myself. I feel so selfish bc u know what? I am. fucking kill me

[blimbie]

4/17/17

why don't people ever like me as much as I like them. every person I've been best friends with just doesn't like as much about me as I like about them. I just don't get it. i just want to feel like people actually thoroughly enjoy being with me. what i always feel like instead is that the person i consider my best friend wishes they were friends with someone that has drifted from them in one way or another and I'm just sort of the filler person that they have until they find someone better. it makes me want to cry

[blimbie]

3/15/17

I feel terrible saying this but I feel like I value my friendship with my friend more than she does I love my friend so much. but I guess it's like a literal love, like I am attracted to her, so it would be a different kind of friendship-appreciation I envy the friendships where like u can lean on each other casually on a couch or play with each other's hair or like even hug I guess I'm just the type of gal who craves casual physical affection yo but also I wanna kiss her so there's that

[blimbie]

3/15/17

todays been a bit of a rough one. also I've been putting off illustrating the book for so long and I don't even know why ~ I'm slowly figuring out what attracts me about some women and I think it's actually chubby girls that I really like. what I can take from it is that overall they make me comfortable (whereas skinny women make me uncomfortable. and men in general too), bc they are physically similar to me. I love their shape and I love when they smile. i guess I can't generalise a group of people like that tho. not everyone is like that. but i guess i know what i mean. also u would think the fact that i love chubby girls would help me love myself but really it doesn't. but yes overall point is. I love chubby girls. thanks

[blimbie]

3/2/17

this bitch empty. YEET

[blimbie]

3/1/17

I miss my friend. I want a hug from her. I can't even remember the last time I hugged her. and my hip hurts. and I'm really tired. and I don't want to do anything. but I have to go to church. I feel the tears coming on, today is a suffering day

[blimbie]

2/28/17

I really really love my friend. like a lot I can't tell if she feels the same way but as I said before I highly doubt it but there are other parts of me that still really hope and see that she may feel the same way last time at her house we sat really really close together and we kept just like laughing and (as fucking stupid as it sounds) looking at each other in the eyes for a couple seconds at a time and it just filled me with this sense of so much love she was in her weird sort of loopy laughing state and I love it she's so so cute I think she's so adorable and I know I sound like a fucking lame-o "totally-reading-way-too-much" creep but she had her ass like against my side and I sort of rested my arm there and I just felt.. so happy. I just want to hug and kiss her and live with her but again I'm like 90% sure she thinks of me just as a really close friend rather than more than that, which I understand the last thing I want to do is make her uncomfortable but I literally don't know what to do and I have told like no one about this for fear of being judged, especially by my family and these feelings keep building up inside me and I know that's why I cry when she goes back to school. I just want to be with her all the time I don't want to feel this way. she's my best friend and the last thing I want to do is lose her. which is why I don't think I'll ever say anything to her about it I don't know if I'm just obsessing (bc I have been known to do that) but it's been several months, maybe a year even that I've had this on my mind junior year I know I felt something when the crew all went to the drive in and I laid my head on her lap and she rested her hand on my head (granted that I told her to rest her hand on my head). I didn't really know what it was, I thought it was just me wishing what a guy would do for me, and the last thing I on my mind was that I may be bi. this summer I didn't even want to consider it, I was at school and I thought about it a lot. one day my mom asked a question (I can't remember exactly what it was) but I shrugged at it and she said "so you're bi then?" and I think she meant it as a joke, but I really think I am. so i just shrugged again.I know I am attracted to men, but I think women are very beautiful too. like I love women. but no one knows this bc once again, anyone I would tell (except maybe ginnie) would immediately judge me or never look at me the same way again. ginnie would probably not look at me the same even though shes open to stuff like this. and she would probably tell my parents. I know my parents would treat it like a joke/just think I'm confused but I'm pretty confident in saying that I'm bi I just don't know what to do about it honestly I would tell Sadie but I'm so nervous to accidentally text my friend that I just can't do it so yeah I don't know what to do. and it is both troubling and emotionally exhausting

[blimbie]

2/19/17

hey so I'm like 90% sure I'm in love with my best friend and I want to live with her and spend like my whole life with her but I also don't want to end up ruining the best (and currently the only) friendship I've ever had u feel also p sure she's straight anyway so like how much more depressed can I make myself feel

[blimbie]

1/18/17 I really like this picture I think it's funny and I think I can relate to it a little bit I know I sound dumb but just hear me out. his face (to me) reads several different emotions: -anxiety -death -fear -gasp (u know that feeling) -frantic -desperate so uh yeah if u ever wanted to know what words to describe me with these are some of which u could choose

[blimbie]

Point Reyes, California by Orin Zebest

[blimbie]

1/18/17

i feel like this will also be a nice place to sort of archive my thoughts. like not just negative ones but random ones. i was originally thinking of making a twitter but I think i would be too worried about tailoring it to other people's interests to make sure I get likes. even though that's not what I really want here I can sort of make rules for myself and only for myself, which is kind of nice in and of itself. I'm doing this for myself. i like it I think I'll reblog calming/visually pleasing photos to this blog too. i feel like it will be like the pictures in a book, sort of making a refreshing pause in between words to sort of take a breath. also calming images really do wonders for both my depression and anxiety

[blimbie]

1/18/17

my header reminds me of germs in a microscope. I like it. they’re cute germs