blistersandcaffeine - Tumblr blog

[blistersandcaffeine]

8:59

times like these make me want to isolate myself from everyone and everything, being awake makes me sick. knowing that i have to face another day makes me want to throw up. just the thought of walking alone in this shallow earth makes me so exhausted. im sick of everyone and everything.

am i okay? 

it feels difficult to be me.

i dont know what is the problem with me, but one thing is certain. i hate myself.

[blistersandcaffeine]

Parang isang kahang sigarilyo na nauwi sa isang piraso at hinithit nang hinihit hanggang sa maubos ang mga abo at ang matira na lang ay upos

Ubos na ubos na ako

Na mistulang isang palaisipan na binuo mo ngunit alam mo rin kung paano watak watakin ang mga piraso ko

Ubos na ubos na ako

Kinakapos, nawawalan ng hininga

Nauubos na ang mga salita

Unti-unting dumidilim ang liwanag ng bukang liwayway sa umaga, dinala na ng hangin ang mga letra

Tuluyan nang binagyo ang isang magandang umaga, at tinangay ng ipo-ipo ang mga palaisipang di alam kung talagang sapat ba

Nauubos na parang tinta ng aking pluma na dati’y bumuo sa isang magandang nobela

Nawala na ang lahat dahil binigay ko ng lubos para ilaan sa iba

Hindi ako nagtira para sa sarili ko

Susubukan kong buuin muli itong sarili kong mundo

[blistersandcaffeine]

Half pessimistic

Other half’s realistic

Not near enough to be optimistic

I guess what destiny is trying to tell us

Is not worth something more than that

Stuck in the middle

Trying to find the tiny pieces in the puzzle

Lighting a stick through it all

Having no remorse

No regrets after all

Staring blankly into the wall

Still waiting for the great fall

It’s better to fade away

Than burn out endlessly

Dowsed in my agony

Falling apart desperately

Never wanting to start again

Hearing the clock tick

Waiting for my time to end

If I could find all the right words to say

I won’t speak a single letter anyway

[blistersandcaffeine]

lost

i have found myself trying to fix the illness from the deepest oceans of my own misery

dwelling with a lot of battles knowing my thoughts are my own worst enemies

there's a hole in my heart and i have wasted a lot of tick-tocks from the clock searching for the missing piece i long have been wanting

i tried succumbing myself into different practices i know that is not right for me

having the knowledge of what's right from wrong, i still choose the same path that i know will bring out the chaos i hide inside me

home is where buckets of beer sank slowly into my throat

home is where there are long drags of nicotine from cigarette smoke

home is where there are shots of vodka and tequila trying to poison me once mor

home is where the four corners of my room are my only companions and i find myself all alone

what else could fix me? i couldnt find me -

[blistersandcaffeine]

05/09/17

1:44 damn i feel so alone, lonely sad the four corners and walls of my room are my only friends right now and i feel like no one can truly understand me it's like im craving this attention no one or nothing could ever give how can i love someone so bad and i tend to forget to love myself first im so tired and sick of trying to please everyone i love im sick of giving everything to someone and expecting somthing in return especially attention i dont know if it's just my brain due to overthinking a lot of stuff or what i really feel deep inside this stupid heart of mine do i really need to find myself first i dont know who i really am i feel empty inside; im losing hope; there's a hole in my heart im still lost in the open my self worth is nowhere to be found i fucking hate myself i just want to fucking die i hope i can sleep peacefully right now and never ever wake up again

[blistersandcaffeine]

g e o m e t r y

i; you wake up feeling like death. the sound of your alarm makes you sick; what is making you sick even more is that you know you have to face another day, a day full of failures, and disappointments. you had a bad dream but you would rather stay asleep drenched in sweat, than to open your eyes and see, go on, and take a roller coaster ride to what is ahead. like a circle, your life is a cycle of sorrow. every day you feel like it is your last. your life’s a constant curve; a constant curve of despondency and misery

ii; you do not know where you are headed. it is either you go to the left or you go to the right. but as you are walking down on the zigzag road, you realize your life has no direction and meaning; nothing at all, you are just a piece of trash ready to be taken away, ready to face hell. your life right now is a jagged zigzag tracing a path between two parallel lines;  ragged; rough; uneven; irregular; broken

iii; one thing that makes you contented and what covers up your anguish is to create lines in various ways all over your body, especially on your clean wrist, using a steel with sharp edges. a self-inflicting pain. you use those sharp edges to create horizontal lines producing a sudden, piercing physical sensation that penetrates your delicate skin and you know it is the only thing that makes you untroubled as physical pain makes you feel good because it covers up all the heartaches and anxiety

iv; as you go for a stroll, like a dot that went for a walk, you think about the future. thinking about how you ended up to this point. asking yourself why you have become the person you loathe, and how you thought you could do this to your life. you know you cannot drown your demons and you hear them screaming in your ears as you are standing all alone, battling between the thin line of life and death

v; you held on for too long; too long that hopelessness eats you up. you did not hold on that much, instead, you clung on to nothing and ended your despair; a line segment bounded by two distinct end points, you instantly cut off to that short end point, and decided to go no further. you did not think of extending it; not long enough for you to fight for it. for a short period of time, you already gave up. you have taken away what is left of you, and that is where it all stopped.

lines

i; you woke up feeling like death. the sound of your alarm makes you sick; what’s making you sick even more is that you know you have to face another day, a day full of failures, and disappointments. like a circle, your life’s a cycle of sorrow. every day you feel like it is your last. your life’s a constant curve; a constant curve of despondency.

ii; you don’t know where you’re headed. it’s either you go to the left or you go to the right. and as you’re walking down on the zigzag road, you realize your life has no direction and meaning; nothing at all, you’re just a piece of trash ready to be taken away, ready to face hell. your life right now is a jagged zigzag tracing a path between two parallel lines;  ragged; rough; uneven; irregular; broken

iii; one thing that makes you contented and what covers up your anguish is to create lines in various ways all over your body using a steel with sharp edges. a self inflicting pain. you use sharp edges to create horizontal lines producing a sudden, piercing physical sensation that penetrates your delicate skin and you know it’s the only thing that makes you untroubled

iv; as you go for a stroll, like a dot that went for a walk, you think about the future. thinking about how you ended up to this point. how you thought you could do this to yourself as you are battling between the thin line of life and death.

v; you held on for too long; too long that hopelessness and anxiety eats you up. you didn’t hold on that much, instead, you held on to nothing and ended your despair; a line segment bounded by two distinct end points, you instantly cut off to that short end point. you didn’t extend it; not long enough for you to fight for it. for a short period of time, you already gave up. you have taken away what’s left of you.

[blistersandcaffeine]

December 31, 2016

The whole 2016 has been a shitty year. There are a lot of ups and downs but the downs consumed me whole. The year has not been balanced all throughout, the Yin has won, has taken over, and I tried my best, and still trying to find the Yang. Uncertainties and inconsistencies revolved all over. Some things ended, and some things started.

I hurt a lot of people, especially my family. My heart became numb because of the things that’s been happening to me and got sick of crying. 

I guess I just have to move on from this year that’s been a wild roller coaster ride of a hellhole. I need, and must forget everything I’ve been through this year. I may not have accomplished my 2016 bucket list, but after graduating college, I promise to give a lot of time for myself, for the people I love, and also do everything I’ve always desperately wanted to do.

Goodbye, shit.

(and by shit, I mean 2016)

[blistersandcaffeine]

Hindi ko alam kung paano ulit ako magsisimula

Tuluyan nang binalot ng kadiliman ang buhay kong tila wala nang sigla

Nasaan na ba ang ilaw?

Parang di ko yata makita

Nasaan na ba ang liwanag?

Parang di ko na mahanap

Noong simula, masaya pa akong tumatakbo, tinatahak ang kahit ano mang delubyo

Pero tilang nawalan na ako ng gana

Hanggang sa unti unti na akong bumagal, nanghina

Naglalakad

Nakaupo

Nakahiga

Nakatingin sa wala

Nagiisang naglalakbay na parang ang lahat ng kaligayahan ko ay naglaho nalang nang bigla

Humihiyaw nang tahimik

Palihim na lumuluha

Nagpapausok sandali at umiinom ng alak

Tanging ang pader nalang at apat na sulok ng aking silid ang aking karamay

Nawawalan na ako ng ganang magpatuloy

Wala nang saysay ang bawat buntong hininga

Napapagod na akong hilahin paitaas ang aking sarili

Unti unti na akong pumapailalim

Lumulubog

Hinihila ng mga demonyo na sakin ay bumubulong

Pero parang isang lobo, gusto ko nalang lumisan

Iwan ang lahat

Lumipad

Maglaho

Pumutok nalang na parang bula

Nahihirapang tahakin ang buhay kong wala nang kulay

[blistersandcaffeine]

April 2016

A month of mixed emotions. Full of stress, anxiousness, sadness, negativity, hatred. A month of beinf tired of all the shit I'm going through. 

It's also a month of happiness, love, forgiveness, gratitude, and a bit of positivity. First to second week of April. 6th - Internship interview. 

I immediately got hired in Art Personas Management. A fashion and clothing company. My positions are graphic artist and photographer. 8th - First day of internship. That's when I realized Ministop and I will be best friends during my internship period. We have to finish 300 hours, it's approximately a month and three-fourths. 

11th to 14th - Manila Fashion Festival. An event by Art Personas twice a year. A fashion runway event. It was held at EDSA Shangrila Manila. Those four days are one of the best days of my year because I got to be one of the official photographers of the event; from backstage, makeup room, behind the scenes, to the main event, and the runway, I took pictures everywhere. It was my first time to cover an event, well, it's a big event, and even though those four days were so exhausting, I am very thankful because it was a very big pleasure to work as a photographer for a fashion runway event. I don't mind if it's free, cause I'm just an intern. It was one hell of an experience.

Today, May 10. I'm happy, but still, I couldn't find the joy I was looking for. I might say that I'm "happy" but there's no joy. Those are two different things. The change I wanted for myself didn't happen. I hate it. I hate myself for being a good person but deep inside, my heart's still full of hatred, jealousy, uncontentment, insecurity and angst. 

[blistersandcaffeine]

040516

Today, I decide to cut off all the negativity I have in my life. I want to change my attitude towards everything. I want to change for the better, I don’t want to stay like this forever, hating everything, cursing everyone, judging people, and all. I want to get rid of all my angst in this world. I want to get rid of my insecurities. I want to start my life all over again, I just feel motivated to change because I am facing a lot of challenges in my life right now, especially with my family.

I’ll start off by always looking for the positive, because I always see the bad side of everything, I always worry and my mind is full of “what ifs”. I will always keep in mind that there is always a good side to everything and this mght sound cliche but it’s true that some things happen for a reason. I also want to know my worth and look for the positive in myself as well because I am very pessimistic, I think I might have issues, like psychological problems. I can’t control my emotions, especially my anger which leads to hurting people around me and also hurting myself.

I also want to stop hating and judging people. Being good to other people won’t hurt me. It feels good to be kind to others, especially when it comes back around and hit you. A simple act of kindness and respect can make someone’s day.

I will also make sure to always express gratitude by thanking God for the little things in life, for my achievements, for not having failing grades, especially for the food I consume everyday.

I will always keep in mind to say the magic words older people told me when I was a kid. To always say thank you, excuse me, you’re welcome, po & opo, and greet people when entering others’ house. Oh, also, I will never forget to always smile. (but not the kind of smile that will creep out the hell of people)

I’ll spend more time being productive, looking for things that are worth doing. Less time for consuming alcohol, and doing things that are not worth my time. Also, I will lessen my complaining, especially about petty things.

Lastly, I will make sure to fix my relationship with my family.  I know it will be hard for me to face this and do this but it’s the right thing to do. It might take a long time, even years, to fix my distorted family, but I know, God will make a move, and everything will change.

I know my life is not perfect, not even near perfect, but this is the right thing to do. To change my attitude, and to have a new perspective in life. I don’t want my life to be a stubborn trash. I wanna get rid of toxic people. I want to be a better person. I want to make the right choices. I just want to be in the right path and always focus on being an optimistic person.

Mahirap magbago, pero paunti-unti kong gagawin ‘to. Para rin naman sa ikabubuti ko ‘to.

[blistersandcaffeine]

a  n  o  m  a  l  o  u  s

all photos were taken by Carlos Lopez edited by me

[blistersandcaffeine]

Time is fast approaching and all I can say is that I am so stressed at the moment because of the number of school works and plates that I have to finish and submit within this month. I need to be really really productive, yet I procrastinate so much that I always waste my time scrolling through my fb and twitter feed. Social media eats up my time and I need to get rid of it because it’s getting worse by the minute. 

I also need to get a gold slip from our school in order for me to apply for an internship, because next semester, I am already going to be a senior. I must make a creative resume and hunt for internships right now instead of staring blankly at my laptop waiting for nothing.

Well, I need to get my life straight right away. Sucks to be me.

[blistersandcaffeine]

iniihip na ng hangin ang mga salitang dati'y may mga kahulugang malalalim

ang damdaming nadudurog ay unti unti nang inaanod ng tubig

may delubyong nangyayari at ang mga puso nati’y sawi

kailan ba ito matatapos nang ako’y makatulog nang mahimbing at makalipad sa hipapawid

unti-unti nang lumalayo

lumalala, lumalabo, nawawala

parang lobong lumipad at ‘di na muling nakita

wala nang aasahan na muling manumbalik

kasiyahan na panandalian lamang

kumupas at naglaho

tuluyan nang nilisan

hindi na muling babalikan

mga ala-alang gusto nang iwan

[blistersandcaffeine]

[blistersandcaffeine]

Bolinao, Pangasinan

February 2015

[blistersandcaffeine]

Araw-araw nagigising sa mundong nababalot ng delubyo

 Oras oras iniisip na ang mga bagay na nangyayari sa buhay ko ay hindi na maganda 

Mistulang binubulungan ng libo-libong demonyo 

At dito rin naririnig ang mga maliliit na boses sa utak ko na sinasabing "tama na"  

Mistulang nalulunod sa mga problema 

Parang nawawalan na ng pag-asa 

Hindi na rin nangingibabaw ang saya Ang ngiti sa mukha'y kumukupas na 

Magbubulag-bulagan nalang ba? 

O hayaan parin na ang sarili ay gawing tanga? 

 Pilit paring lumalaban kahit umaayaw na 

Pilit paring humihinga kahit ang hininga'y paubos na 

 Sa kabila ng lahat ng pagsubok 

Sa kabila ng lahat ng pagsuko 

Pilit pa ring sinasabi sa sarili na kaya pa "Ituloy mo pa."

[blistersandcaffeine]

Hinahanap Sadyang nakukulangan ba ako? 

Nabibitin at napapaisip 

Hindi ko mawari kung ano nga bang kailangan ko 

Hindi ko rin matanto kung ano ba talaga ang gusto ko 

Ewan 

Magulo 

Nagkakagulo ang aking damdamin at isipan 

Nagkakaroon sila ng hindi pagkakaintindihan 

Ang hirap gumalaw sa kinatatayuan at kalagayan ko ngayon 

Ang labong gumawa ng mga desisyong hindi naman talaga ako buong loob na sumasangayon 

Nawawala 

Yung sarili ko, hindi ko na ata matagpuan

 Parang batang nawawala ang ina 

O kaya nasa isang gubat na tila bang hindi mahanap ang daan palabas

 Yung tipong pinasok ko ang isang bagay na akala ko sa dulo ay magbibigay garantiya na magiging maayos ang lahat 

Pero sa simula lang pala yun 

Kapag napagod at nahirapan ka na, hahanap ka nang hahanap ng paraan para makaalis at makawala 

Pero mahirap pala talagang lumaya

 Parang nasa selda. 

Nakakulong 

Yun nga lang, hindi ko alam kung saan ang daan palabas 

Hindi ko alam saang paraan ako magpupimiglas 

 Nawawala kasi may hinahanap 

Hinahanap kasi may nawawala 

Nasaan na nga ba tayo? 

Nasaan na nga ba ako?