blossom-tape

[blossom-tape]

clean

ten months sober. i never thought i’d make it this far, but here i am. it hasn’t been easy—just because i’m clean doesn’t mean i don’t miss him. the memories would creep in when i least expected, tempting me with a warmth i’d almost forgotten. there were nights i felt his pull, that familiar weight tugging at my resolve. but each time, i held on. i reminded myself of what i was fighting for.

now, though, something feels different. there are no traces of him left—no whispers, no shadows lingering at the edges of my thoughts. for the first time, i can say i’m fully clean. it’s just me, clear-headed and free. and in this space he used to occupy, i feel something new—happiness, lightness, and a clarity i’d nearly given up on. i’m finally here, just as I am, whole and unbroken.

[blossom-tape]

maybe tonight holds a little hope for us, dear,

under the stars, where the skies feel clear.

i’m dreaming of a life where we’re side by side,

where your hand’s in mine, and there’s nothing to hide.

i hope you’d want to settle down with me,

as much as i want to, can’t you see?

a future built on love and trust,

with every moment, just the two of us.

we’ve danced around this dream so long,

but tonight feels like where we belong.

maybe tonight’s the night we choose,

to take that leap, nothing to lose.

i’ll wait for you, right here, my love,

with a heart full of hope and skies above.

maybe tonight, we’ll finally see,

that you and i are meant to be.

ben&ben, maybe the night (inspired)

[blossom-tape]

unseen bloom

i want to be as pretty as a rose,

with petals soft, a beauty that shows.

but i am just a carnation, plain,

unseen, unnoticed, in quiet pain.

the world loves roses, their petals adored,

on valentine’s day, they’re endlessly poured.

special occasions, they’re always the choice,

while i stand silent, without a voice.

i long to feel love from the eyes of many,

to know the warmth of being someone’s envy.

but here i bloom, a different kind,

a flower unseen, left behind.

though i am not the rose they seek,

i still yearn for love, for a life less meek.

i dream of the day i’m known,

like a rose, admired and grown.

[blossom-tape]

“dorothea” inspired poetry

hey dorothea, are you still the same soul

i met when we were teens, chasing dreams whole?

i missed all those scenes, those golden days,

back when we were queens in our own simple plays.

we laughed with the stars and ran wild and free,

in the backyards of time, just you and me.

i missed those days when we'd race through the door,

no need for a knock—our hearts wanted more.

but now, it seems that time has flown,

and the bond we shared feels so overgrown.

a friendship once bright, now a distant song,

i wonder if we simply got lost along.

yet somewhere, i hope that the spark remains,

that the girl i knew still breaks free from the chains.

hey dorothea, are you still that soul?

or have the years taken their quiet toll?

[blossom-tape]

you became my muse, without question or hesitation. you’re the one i turn to, even when i’m surrounded by people i care about deeply. there’s something about you that draws me in, a comfort that makes everything else fade into the background. you’ve become my best friend, the one i trust with every part of me, the person i can confide in without fear. you are my safe haven, the place i feel most at home. thank you for being my muse in this lifetime, for inspiring me and giving me a love i never thought i’d find.

i’m really sorry for my shortcomings. i know I’m not perfect, and i truly hope you can bear with me, even when my attitude is less than ideal. i’m always working on being better for you, because you mean so much to me. i love you more than words can express, and i’ll keep loving you through all our highs and lows. you are everything to me.

[blossom-tape]

silent signals

for over a month now, a quiet song has played in my heart. its melody is woven with your name, though once, you silenced it with gentle rejection. yet, paradoxically, that denial brought us closer. in the aftermath, a new rhythm emerged, one that confounds and elates me.

you send signals across the miles, actions speaking where words do not. gestures sketch hope in the air, leaving me to wonder, to dream, to doubt. what do your intentions hold, hidden behind this veil of silence?

a thousand miles stretch between us, yet your presence feels near, a warmth light in my daily grey. you make me happy, a simple truth in a tangle of complexities. 

here i stand, in the fog of confusion, waiting, hoping, feeling.

[blossom-tape]

it seemed like something out of a fairytale to stroll beneath the jacaranda tree on an idyllic day—i stumbled upon the picturesque sensations that i was looking for in art through nature. i possess a nostalgia that does not belong to me. i have never venerated sunlight and greenery, so how is it possible?

i am unknowingly ingrained with this burning desire and it has been grasping in. I'm eagerly awaited for us to comprehend that we are part of nature.

[blossom-tape]

logical inspired prose

no, love is never logical. love is not logical and never will be. whenever you truly love someone, you adhere your heart and feelings rather than using your logic. our emotions are under our grasp—prudence has no power over our emotions or thoughts. it was actually me, who allowed myself to be wounded by a person who was unwilling to shoulder responsibility. i know i could’ve stopped it. god, why didn’t i stop it all? i wouldn't have shattered my heart if i hadn't placed myself in a circumstance that allowed me to be wounded. you made me believe that loving you is equivalent to being on cloud9, as opposed to being trapped in the realm of hades. you promised me that i would be able to see the sun, but you omitted to mention that i would be able to see it through darkness. no, nothing is logical about this, i still can’t figure out why you’re still in my mind 24/7. you're like a lost sock, hovering around the room but unable to be found; you've been circling my head all day and i'm not sure why. everything around me was as white as a fluffy white cloud, but you're never as innocent as white. your lies, however, are all white lies and you deceived me into believing i was the love of your life. you can't escape love now and logic is not going to be able to do so. love is absurd, illogical, and most of all, unforeseen.

[blossom-tape]

the 1

I have always been your one call away, when something happens, click me right away. I wonder what would have happened if we stayed that way, maybe, 𝘪𝘵 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥’𝘷𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘧𝘶𝘯 𝘪𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥’𝘷𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘰𝘯𝘦. I lingered in our memories with paused misery, I was indeed deeply in love, I could even hear the Hell’s chanting and Heaven’s choir. I can feel my heart beating yet lacking of desire, fully overwhelmed with modest devotion but incapable to figure my real intention. I did lose myself in the process of finding you— eager to feel your soft touch and enchanting love... I am still elated to say that I was your first true love, even though I was not your first love.

There are countless words, but they cannot adequately convey how I felt when we first met. As quickly as I ponder it, I wonder what our lives would be like if you were sentient. 𝘐 𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘪𝘴𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘪𝘴𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘵𝘦𝘮𝘱𝘵𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘰 𝘢𝘴𝘬 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘪𝘧 𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘩𝘢𝘥 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘥𝘪𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘵, 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘣𝘦 𝘥𝘪𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘵𝘰𝘥𝘢𝘺? I wonder what would have happened if you had read all of my writings because they were intended solely for your eyes— only if you had desired to read them. 𝘐𝘯 𝘮𝘺 𝘥𝘦𝘧𝘦𝘯𝘴𝘦, 𝘐 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘯𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘥𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘶𝘱 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘨𝘳𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦. I really have no basis for why I should keep on reminiscing about you... but I don't have any compelling reasons to stop.

Kindly spare me for imagining what might have transpired as well as what mysteries this mystical love would have unveiled. I hope as time passes, the wound will mend, and it would be facile to recall the fall of what might have been without desiring us back together.

[blossom-tape]

there is just something about reading a tragic novel that you know won't end the way you want it to, that you know it can't and you understand roughly why, but you keep on coming back to it with the continuous unrelenting optimism that everything will turn out beautifully and without mishap, just like in fairy tales.

to assume that the situation is the same when you are used to being in a toxic and chaotic relationship when all you desired was a healthy one. no, i don't really like the concept of chaos and toxicity; rather, i merely love the idea of being in a relationship and being able to love and be loved. even though when your relationship is toxic, you will typically experience the feeling of being loved, even if you are unsure of their sincerity. the worst thing, however, is that you will be constantly enraged, depressed, or otherwise unhappy, and you're never blissful. most crucially, it makes you lose the people who sincerely love you.

but ultimately, you continue to harbour the hope that the person you initially fell in love with may return at any point during the relationship. this is precisely why i lingered for so long and hung onto the relationship as if it were vital to my life.

[blossom-tape]

i would like to admit it, however the words hang like rope around my throat. i’ve been always terrified of suffocation.

there's a sea of melancholy somewhere in between my past and my present, and i’m constantly terrified of drowning in it. i could see fish and crabs just below the surface of the water from the seashore, but i’m not sure how or when to jump in.

perhaps i’m unsure. perhaps i’m worried about falling again.

he stood at the bottom of the sea, arms fully open, as if he wanted to embrace me, but i’m frightened he won't catch my fall. i would not want to make the same mistake repeatedly. my wrists are still scarred, and i’m not sure if i can bear reopening the traumas and wounds.

[blossom-tape]

2222 ☁️

somebody once told me that i might be caught in a frenzy of fantasy and reality. sometimes out of recollection, mostly out of gullibility. nobody notices me in the verge of a stampeding crowd and i always suffocate. it’s interesting how you know precisely how and when to grab me out of the hollow of solitude just before i reach the highest level of despair. when i scrounge for the certainty hopelessly, as i am controlled by nothing other than untruths, you placed me at the front of the grim reality, no matter how cruel it is, to reveal the true colours of someone i once loved.

millions and millions of unsaid words, but you understand what i mean. but do you think four lines of writings as well as a song about longing would have been enough to sketch the inscriptions of my unwritten feelings? one thousand one hundred eleven clouds i’ve seen by myself, and another thousand one hundred eleven more to see with you. i’m looking forward to those days. and you said that the deity chose to write you back in response to my starlight eulogy, but i think they wrote an uncanny number from heaven’s helpline.

because it’s been two years, and i haven’t been able to see you. but despite that, i am still here waiting for you.

[blossom-tape]

what if i told you precisely how i was feeling? what if i tell you i’ve gone feeble in the limbs for months, as i’ve shed countless tears that would last a decade, and it’s because i’ve never felt more isolated and lonely than i do right now? what if i tell you i’m entirely useless and shattered for no explicable reason? i strive to maintain involved and lively, as exactly what you recommended, in order to prevent my anxious thoughts. to gather my thoughts from drifting into a very vulnerable place, i scramble to do everything for anyone. what if i started telling you that almost every moment i shut my eyes, i truly hope to God that when i awaken, i am not the same person i am now.

what if i told you the whole truth and nothing but the truth?

[blossom-tape]

to love you is both the easiest and the most difficult thing i’ve ever done in my life. it’s simple to fall in love with you, but it's difficult not to fear you. i’m alright with doing nothing with you, yet your stillness may be overwhelming at times. i may get lost in your eyes, but sometimes your eyes speak for you in the worst conceivable way when your mouth doesn't. our hands are so well-matched, and i’m curious as to whose hand might one day take my place.

it’s like pouring gasoline on the floor of a house we're still putting together; i’m scared of how quickly everything may go wrong. the scars it would leave behind, and the void in my heart where your love had vanished. i wouldn't sacrifice my love for anything in the universe, but i’d give anything to be free of the fear that gnaws at the back of my mind. i can't take my gaze away from you because you are the epitome of too good to be true.

[blossom-tape]

as desolation was poured into me, the crescent glow slid softly. every night, i search for my other half, hoping to find someone who can add a bit more bliss to my life. however, i’ve noticed something strange: whenever i’m beside you, i bloom like a moonflower.

perhaps you're the other half of my crescent glow?

[blossom-tape]

our playlist comprises songs that have been kept in a treasure trove simply because they were once cherished by someone and are now cherished by us, songs that are meaningful for you because they have a special meaning for someone else.

do you not genuinely think that our playlists are a lineage of our lovers and a history of times when we’ve met someone and fell in love then fostered it in a melodic way? don’t you think playlists are just love-shaped murals of people stored inside our heart, wherein love entangled hands with art to seek solace so it could rest in tranquilly?

thus, i’ve put together a playlist of songs that remind me of you every time i listen to it. i’d like to convey my affection for you in a melodic way that i can't explain.

[blossom-tape]

i’m looking forward to a magical day when someone acknowledges me for who i truly am. perhaps they'll notice the gleam in my eye or maybe they'll be astounded by my intelligence and the depth of my soul. someone who can assist me to make sense out of everything, make the connection, and believe in myself. someone who will understand and accept me, moreover, lends me a helping hand wholeheartedly. by that, they would extract my mellow self from the branches of misery.

that "someone" is you, and i know it for a reason