bluebyyou9

[bluebyyou9]

I want to yell and shout. But i always think what's the use when no one is listening. I just want to bitch and its a form of release I guess. You hate me or you are just completely done with our relationship as friends. I want to understand, but you gave me zero clues on what hurt you exactly. I miss you, and I want to respect you moving forward. Don't really need a reason, but it would give me closure ig and a place to work on. Of course you would give me a blank page and ask what's wrong with it. But I will continue forward without you, as you wish.

[bluebyyou9]

Anneliese Seubert for Jean Paul Gaultier HC FW 1998

[bluebyyou9]

[bluebyyou9]

ꨄ︎ꨄ︎ꨄ︎⊹

[bluebyyou9]

“Scenes of the American Midwest Through The Eyes of The Youth.” Carolyn Bouso. 2015.

[bluebyyou9]

Family can be bittersweet sometimes...

[bluebyyou9]

It doesnt matter in the long run anyways. I never hate anyone, but if someone who does the least gets something from who i want to be close with. Im allowed to be upset, I just want a relationship with my family. Makes me think twice, like im no one to them.

[bluebyyou9]

in the next years i really just want to indulge in hobbies that are as offline as possible. i want to learn how to sew, embroider, garden, paint oil canvasses, perfect my piano skills, keep a journal full of medicinal plants, write poetry etc.

[bluebyyou9]

The way peoples eyes light up

When you say something that sparks their interest

The swift change of emotions

The simple feeling of love

The sun, the people, the laughter

The days that feel worthwhile

All the 5 senses we get to experience

The good, the bad

I am beginning to see

[bluebyyou9]

[bluebyyou9]

tbh life’s too short to be embarrassed by little things ??? wear that outfit ur mom said was ugly & laugh ur natural too loud laugh & talk to intimidating people u find interesting !!! join cringy clubs & read books everyone hates & wear too much eyeliner !!! if shit doesn’t work out who cares !!! people who are worth being around will stick by u anyway !!!

[bluebyyou9]

I looked further into magical thinking and found out there’s a part of it that leeks into the adult life, without us being conscious about it. Sometimes we will project our fantasy on real people in our lives.

We feel a longing for a person or a relationship that we desperately need, to heal us, to help us be safe and calm. We feel connections to people who we can imagine doing this for us, or from who we desperately want this closeness and love. We’ll fit them into an ideal we have in our head, project feelings they have for us, virtues they have, who they are as a person, how safe they are, and we’ll get attached to the ide of this being ‘destiny’ or 'soulmates’. We feel like it’s inevitable, it’s right, it’s the only thing that makes sense. And any flaws they might have, will either be invisible, excused, or explained away as unimportant, because of course you accept this person wholeheartedly.

We do this because we survived the first part of our life in pain and danger, and what pulled us thru was the magical thinking. So we dream that we’ll have all of this pain made up for; that there’s a miraculous friendship or relationship out there waiting for us, waiting to heal us. And if we get out, or even just a little freedom from our captive space, and we’re still feeling abandoned, people around us are uncaring, uninterested, or even completely unsafe predators, it’s too much to survive thru. It’s not what we survived the abuse for. It means we still can’t relax, can’t process anything, can’t get to feeling loved or safe at all. And we even can’t do anything about it.

Magical thinking gives us something to do; a goal, a hope to hold onto. It makes us believe happiness is within reach, our desired future will happen, we only have to invest incredible amount of patience, loyalty, persistence, self-managing so we endure all the bad our 'special’ people put us thru, and we’ll get our love, we’ll feel safe at last. We’ll even try to become their fantasy, and give them anything they could have dreamed of, in hope we’ll get ours too.

People who do not have good intentions will often happily play into this, because we’re ready to put up with anything, do anything for them, accept anything, project only the best most shiny features on them, and we’ll never give up on them regardless of how badly we’re treated and ignored. All they have to do is let us keep our fantasy, our hope that keeps us going. It’s how we don’t see red flags, keep hope for a future that will never be what we need, and stay in unsafe situations, believing this is safe, this is love, this is learning, it’s what’s good for us, it will make us who we need to be.

Magical thinking is designed to keep us alive thru the worst hell in life, and it’s not a shameful, stupid thing we do. Nobody can live a life without hope, without trust that they will be loved. Predators who take advantage of that, who not only encourage it but even build up this fake future so we believe them, and bond to them, are exploiting and using a traumatized person who is trying desperately to find a reason to live. It’s cruel, cowardly, and disgraceful. If we had a genuine safe, loving and kind person in our lives, the magical thinking would be unnecessary. We project safety and love because we can’t endure the reality of being unsafe, abandoned, and alone all over again. We went far past our limits for enduring that.

[bluebyyou9]

[bluebyyou9]

via weheartit

[bluebyyou9]

[bluebyyou9]

[bluebyyou9]

no more recovery im going to walk into the ocean and turn into sea foam