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Rants abot my canon. cw implied sa, abuse, alcoholism.

I dont like how I want to get abused by her again. I remember it, I can feel it. I can remember how good and get how hollow it felt, a combination that made me want to hurl when it was over.

I did it just to please her. I did it just because I just couldn't... let her go. I couldn't bear with the thought of not seeing her again because... she was. gone. and I couldn't do anything about it. I don't even know if it was truly love I felt at this point, I think it was just this horrific attachement that was because I let her die once, I can't let it happen again, no matter what, no matter what I gotta do. Even if..

Why did I even do that. Why did I let her do whatever she wanted. why did i go along with it. Why did I think that was okay. Why do I want it again, why do I feel I need to grasp at her hand and beg her to just stay; stay where its safe, to stop getting into danger. I know how capable she is but what if, what if. I cant deal with it.

i still feel so dirty. I can't get the sensations out of my head, its horrible. its awful and disgusting. I remember how hollow I felt, how numb. I don't think I was rlly there.

Between all the alcohol I don't think I was fully there any of the times.

I miss alcohol sometimes, I remember how it made me feel. It made me feel so numb. it made me feel so calm. nothing. no thinking. like all my worries were suddenly lifted. like my world was clearer yet blurrier at the same time. I miss it so much, I need it back so bad. Just how I need her back too.

Sigh, I'm just incoherent now. I just miss what hurts me.

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I get so happy when I see fanart of me, especially when it feels accurate to my personal experience. like, good job human, you have captured my excellence! very well done! I get a bit sad seeing art of me with my friends from my old life, but it's bittersweet. I love them and miss them all so much... it's nice to see me with them again even if it's only in art

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Nobody look at me, I am emo... (is thinking of my partner in my canon.)

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"Did no one ever teach you how to tie these?"

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Remembered the time I did a Ylfa fanart for one of my classes

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A thorn in your paw.

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i met death and death wants me to live 🌙

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sitting with death

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little red riding hood and the big bad wolf

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I met Death, and he wanted me to live.

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Come to the foot of the bed, raise up the axe and split my skull. When I am dead, eat of my flesh and you will be strong enough to wander the woods on your own and return home.

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shoutout to emily axford for real

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... something deep and old and powerful, in the land of tales and stories, and I believe that he truly wished for you to live.

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327. ylfa snorgelsson

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"If I was so dead, where was my funeral?! Where’s my headstone?"

I'm haunted by both these quotes and the idea of what would have happened had Timothy Goose found Ylfa after she'd well ...

Quote is by Kristin Chang

now available as a print

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Endless Neverafter