#exotrauma rant

[bolts-n-fingerguns]

Name's Reko, this is my blog of pure fictionkind insanity. Yeah, not an RP blog. Drawing above made by main blog.

Last edited: 28/05/2024

📖✏️・⌒ヾ(￣ -￣ )) About ．．．

I'm an agender trans man , demi-aroace, plural [Host, Spikes fableing] , 19 years old , 🇲🇽 , AUDHD and dyslexia. Nonhuman. I use we/i interchangeably.

My icon was edited by @/otherkinotd , the flag is the werewolf therian flag.

My main alth blog is @nyctohyloph0bia . Interact from @woodlandscab1n

ദ്ദി ˉ͈̀꒳ˉ͈́ )✧ Fictionmere ．．．

🎬 Fictotypes

［RE］Leon ― Slightly canon divergent. Is genderfluid/queer, bisexual, any pronouns. How I look like: x . Full neomata: pending.

［STH］Spikes ― AU, very canon divergent. Named Sonic, called Spikes by everyone. Is a trans man, achillean, aroace , he/him. How I look like: x . Full neomata: pending.

🎭 Fictionflickers

［RE］Vex ― AU Leon , pretty common. Fucked up looking werewolf.

🔗 Linktypes

［TRI98］Vash ― Not very common. Canon compliant.

📖 Heart-tales

White Fang , 1906

Sonic Unleashed , 2008

⏳ Questioning

[D20: NA] Ylfa Snoglenson

(*>O<)📢꙳⟡ BYI ．．．

My headmates Reagan and Spikes might speak or add comments here. We have the same source. I'm coolio with doubles and encourage interaction! However, Exe sοnics please interact with caution! 👍

Adα Wοngkin, fictives and fans don't interact for our safety. She's a huge trigger. Generally anyone with her on a pfp or on your blog name, sorry.

ϵggmαnkin or fictives interact with caution. If you're from boom, you're chill. 👍 Sometimes I put up images on my posts that might look like I'm roleplaying, I am not, lol. I just like adding them bc it makes me happy :3

Don't tag my art or posts about fictionmere with main fandom tags (ex. #residϵnt ϵvil , sοnic the hedgehοg, #sτh , #rϵ), main fanart tags (ex. trigυn fαnart) or main ship tags (ex. #sonαdow). The fandom scares me.

Don't tag my art or posts with self-ship tags. That'd be like calling me your S/O, and that makes me uncomfortable.

Don't act like you know me. You know what happened in canon, but you don't know me.

✍(◕◡◕) Tags ．．．

💌 Fictionmere tags

#🌼🍃 ― spikes' tag #🌻🥞 ― leοn's tag

#🪓🐺 ― Ylfα's tag #💡🐺 ― vex's tag #🔗👼 ― vαsh's tag #💘🩹 ― shade's tag #💘🧸 ― clαire's tag

📜 Post tags

#reko's artwork ― my art. #reko's chatter ― I am SPEAKING!! #neomata ramblings ― me rambling about stuff that happened in source or fictotypes. #exotrauma rant ― rant or vents of awful events from source and/or how I feel about them. #🌲 ― nonhuman tag

📫 Reblog tags

#art museum ― not my art. #abyss speaks ― not my posts. #🌴 ― spikes' source or related. #💾 ― leοn's source or related.

[fictionkinfessions]

fanon fail: Kel (omori) fictive here, my GOD can people stop making me into a joke? Genuinely awful. It's not fair they treat the rest of the group like actual people, making jokes some times but other times actually analyzing them and talking about their trauma, while for me they turn me into a complete joke! They only make memes about me barely anyone ever considers that I have trauma too! Actually some people say I DONT have trauma!!! Which, ik im not the same as my source but still, is so ironic considering I'm the one in my system with the most VIVID EXOTRAUMA!!!!! They treat me like a joke, like I'm less than human, like I'm a fucking moron, and they say I don't even have trauma. I fucking hate this fandom

Heh, sorry for the long rant, this just makes me angry

x

[abysshydra]

I envy those fictives who can do whatever they want with their identity.

We're as a system so tied up to our source, with rare exomemories, actual exomemories, that we can't separate fully even if we try. I can't use neopronouns, I can't change my name, I can't identify with any term, they leave a bitter taste on my tongue. We don't have doubles too, unless they are incredibly distinct from each other. I bet just because we would be so similar to each other if it wasn't the case.

My identity is strict, the only thing I am able to change is how I experience the world, what I do, who I talk to. How I feel towards sourcemates? How I feel about my own identity? Never. It is an impenetrable wall, a box I am forced to be in, yet I choose to stay in it too.

And it is even weirder when your identity is extremely different from how Fanon, not even Canon, perceives your source. Alienated, forgotten, misunderstood, don't feel safe there at all, I have no idea how they all came to such headcanons, but they are here, and they haunt me. I feel safer reading the piece of my source that might trigger my exotrauma, than being practically misgendered when I look into my source tag. God forbid, Fandom in general is not safe for Arospec too, too many romantic pairings.

I bet true goes for fictives with identity that is extremely different from their Canon too. Fictives in general. I have nothing against headcanons, I have something against how I feel about it.

We're not so different after all. Maybe I envy to not have that rigidity of my identity, but I believe it won't change much in terms of how I interact with Fandom and / or source.

So do whatever you want with your identity. As long as it is healthy - you're safe.

Just a simple rant on theme I tend to speak about from time to time.

[hc-did-culture-is]

questioning ramcoa culture is listening to the lyrics of Master of Puppets by Metalica and relating to them for some god-awful reason nobody could not exactly understand. (Kinda rant here but To make matters worse someone in sys supposedly has what we think is exotrauma relating to it, their trigger subject is highly intertwined with the subject of the exotrauma, which makes researching on it safely near impossible, and due to the gatekeeper we cannot fucking try to pry into their memories cause it could end up killing us all yk? So here we are, not knowing WHY we relate to the lyrics. huzzah /sarc)

.

[sureuncertainty]

i didn't wanna rant in the tags of that last post but our exotrauma is so fucking hard to process, we don't feel like we can ever talk about it cause a lot of it is from our own work? most of our members are introjects of our OCs so it's like... this weird layer of guilt on top of it but also an aspect of 'fuck, I guess I deserve to feel this right now bc I brought it on myself' (which is probably ALSO related to our religious trauma now that i think about it)

that's why i hate all the memes and jokes in writing communities about how funny it is to torture your characters haha, imagine how much your ocs would hate you if they were in the room with you right now like yeah thanks that's literally a huge anxiety of mine and source of massive guilt over hurting my own headmates (which I KNOW is not what that actually is but it feels that way)

every time communication goes quiet or I struggle to connect with my headmates, i'm terrified that they resent me for writing their stories how they are (even though it's kind of a collective effort anyway and i KNOW that they don't, they tell me that but it's still hard to believe sometimes)

but as they like to remind me, i didn't GIVE them trauma, i just wrote their stories to the best of my ability as a way to process my own issues and it's all mixed together anyway. still though, it's hard not to feel like i deserve it when i send myself into a panic attack by working on a chapter about my headmate's trauma that I "chose" for them and 'created'

(i still get convinced that they all hate me for it most of the time)

[variant-archive]

(Preemptive apologies if I'm not entirely understanding your experiences) What you're describing sounds to me like a form of plurality! I will say from personal experience that what you're describing (awareness of other versions of yourself, sometimes off in their own space) is part of how I realized I have a system. If you ever feel like you change notably during kinshifts, or you "become" them temporarily, it could very well be introjects/fictives/whatever term you like most. I'm someone who's introjected my past lives as traumagenic headmates (complicated I know lol), and I've known other people who feel like many-in-one or that have their past/parallel lives as parts like I do for any number of reasons. Communication isn't necessary at all for being plural, nor is being fully aware of specific parts. Sometimes you just "feel" the shift/switch, and it clicks as another aspect of you but doesn't quite click as a headmate.

Even if what I said doesn't help, I wish you a lot of luck in your journey to find the words that best describe you :) I know how alienating it can be sometimes to not know whether you fit into something, but you're definitely not alone

Hey, I really genuinely appreciate you responding! See, the difference in my experience is that I don't shift or switch in any way other than feeling my astral body change from my true self (a love deity furrything lmao) to one of my kintypes (sylveon, alolan ninetales, etc) and my true self can also shapeshift into different body plans (biped, quadruped etc) so I identify as more of a shapeshifter than anything. I guess the fact that I do "become" my kintypes astrally is something. But my identity itself doesn't change at all, just how I percieve my body in my mind. It's so weird, I feel like I'm stretched across the alterhuman spectrum in such an awkward and unusual way to the point that I'm almost a lot of things. I do know I'm otherkin though so I typically use that. Instead of one body, many minds I feel like I'm many bodies, one mind. Although there are barriers between the other shards of my true self in other universes, likely because they're literally in different realities than me. I do have exomemories/exotrauma though, although vague (my memories for specific fictional characters is stronger because I can simply "re-live" them through the media though). I'm considering attempting to connect to both my true self and the other shards in a spiritual way since (to me) that's the only way to penetrate the barriers of reality. Unfortunately I have a lot of difficulty practicing my beliefs though :( because of my anxiety and trauma I never feel safe enough to do it.

Also it's funny but I never feel my astral body change to my humanoid kintypes (rainbow quartz 2.0 etc) but that could be that it's because they look less like my true self than my non-humanoid kins and I find myself seeking to become more like my true self within this life as it alleviates the dysphoria I get from being in this reality sometimes. I also wonder if my other shards are aware of me/kin with me or something. I don't see why not as all of my kintypes are sapient but they simply might not ever learn about what alterhumantiy is

Sorry for the rant lol but thank you, I'm just happy that anyone is open to listening to my experiences and relating to them even though they don't fit neatly into the alterhuman spectrum. I really don't want to intrude into plural spaces when I don't really feel plural but I can't deny how uncannily similar some of my experiences are. I think the way I'd describe myself is "other-self aware". I've been interested in coining new alterhuman terms if I can get the spoons so I might do that. I still want to explore my identity and figure out what would and would not be appropriate first, though. I don't wanna hurt anyone.

[debunkingsystemscringe]

sysmeds are so weird about children. they call them hyper sensitive and their sense of identity is so fragile that they can break in an instant, but go ahead and bully kids online for being a plural in a "cringe" way. or they'll gaslight you into thinking your childhood trauma isn't bad enough.

if children's identities are so fragile, then why are they acting this way? lol. won't that break them, won't the bullying shatter them? oh wait. they don't care about children.

they even do it to plurals who technically tick all the boxes of being a "real" system.

oh, i experienced my trauma from the ages of 5 to 9 but only split when i was 9? they'll say the cutoff age (which actually isn't backed up by science, fun fact) is under 9, or say that it wasn't real trauma if i didn't split when i first experienced it. or they'll say it wasn't that bad because it wasn't parental abuse and therefore i'm faking it.

they'll also fakeclaim me for identifying as the core too. when uh. i split when i was 9 and my identity was relatively stable. i didn't shatter, i wasn't blown to bits and pieces, i'm still here. i'm the same kid i was when i was 3 years old, years before i split and before my trauma, but i changed and evolved as people do.

they are so weird about exotrauma too. one of my fictives experienced pretty damn traumatic stuff in his source, and is made uncomfortable by certain words/phrases that remind him of his abuser, and by slime/goo/ect too. sometimes when he's co-con with me i feel him just kinda, be hopeless. his life had been taken away from him. he was ruined in his source. he never did see his family again in his source. and how his family, friends, his abuser, and his trauma are all pawns in a story to tell.

how could that not hurt someone? it didn't give him PTSD, but it surely affects him and how he engages with his source and the world around him.

sysmeds are so weird about children, trauma, and childhood trauma.

sorry for the rant, sysmeds make me pissed off

Once you're over 9 they don't care about you anymore, and if you're 12-14 they think you're "cringe" and are "roleplaying", it sucks :(

[littlefang666]

Starting to finally process some exotrauma. Good lord it makes sense i would respond to fire the way i do with what i went through.

My eyes water and i feel the urge to apologize. Why is it like this? Why did Christianity have to be so violent to me?

[magical-pigeon-kalinka]

Ugh

To all exotrauma, endo bullshit systems: Why the hell do you want to be a system?! You have a life on your own. Gosh my whole body hurts because a 7 years old traumaholder was out. This is not fun. It never was it never been. Stop role playing a serious disorders. Raven

[antirealisation]

Actually this relates back to the recovery/Healthy thing.

Sooo whaaaat if there are people who could make a pretty reasonable argument that it’s delusional? So what if this is some weird kind of magic delusion that does get better as I dig deeper through shitty memories, but on an “objective” level I’m nevertheless in Denial?

What use is dragging myself out of denial if it means destroying one of the few things I can base a solid identity around? If it means going back to hating the fact that I have these memories at all rather than hating that I’m traumatized from them (cuz calling them “fake so they don’t matter, fake so don’t even try to think of them as real” for years has totally helped /sarcasm)?

This past year I’ve gotten more invested in actually “being here” than the previous five since I’ve recognized myself as a Real Person (hell, I’m even getting invested in syscourse ;P). Denial and falling into my delusions are working out pretty damn well if it’s literally helping with presentification, eh? (Look at me, I can medicalize myself too. 😎👉👉)

It’s not like I’m ever going to be Healthy anyway??

[interstellarsystem]

TW: r/DIDCringe, Cyberbullying, Anon Hate, Swearing.

Before you get started on me and post this to the subreddit, I know this isn’t going to change anyone’s opinions. I’m simply ranting because I need somewhere to vent, and this blog is our place to do so, even if it’s memey and happy most of the time. To our followers, this won’t be the majority of our posting from now on, in fact this will probably be one of our only posts on the matter, I’m just angry.

r/DIDCringe is a subreddit dedicated to posting “cringey” things related to systems of any origin. Things they often find funny to post are fictive/factive-heavy systems (or fictives/factives at all for that matter), fictives/factives with sources that are commonly considered “cringey” or “for kids”, people with typing quirks, people with “too many” system members, people with exotrauma and/or pseudomemories, and young systems.

Fictives and factives are stigmatised too much. Fictives and factives in traumagenic systems are often there because their source is a form of comfort for the person with the system. Typing quirks are a comfort thing too. Having “too many” system members is a stupid idea--being polyfragmented is a thing. People with pseudomemories are also stigmatised and deserve better treatment--but I’ll get into that later in the post.

Obvious to anyone with half a brain, picking on (usually) already traumatised people on the internet, ESPECIALLY vulnerable minors, isn’t okay. Hell, even if people aren’t traumatised, anyone should be able to see that cyberbullying and harassment isn’t a thing that should be happening.

We’ve been posted on there multiple times and it’s mentally draining to see all of the comments and all of the upvotes these posts get just because we’re mostly Sonic fictives. I don’t get how some people can’t see the toll it takes on someone’s mental health seeing hundreds of people upvoting a post that’s made to tease you, let alone all the hate comments. Maybe they do see it and they just don’t care.

It gets worse when you find out that you’ve been posted without a censored username, and the anon hate starts rolling in. We’ve had multiple people come onto OUR blog and start harassing us because of who we are and how we identify.

That’s just a few of the anons we’ve gotten after being posted on r/DIDCringe. That’s not counting all the comments on the r/DIDCringe posts themselves that are directed toward us.

Recently, we had someone join an exotrauma server of ours you might have seen us advertising. For those who don’t know, exotrauma is trauma that happened outside of the body. This includes pseudomemories (memories that some alters have of things that never happened) and past life memories from otherkin and headmates. Exotrauma spaces are created to be separate from this-world trauma survivor spaces because we understand these types of trauma are not the same and shouldn’t be in the same spaces.

Back to what I was going to say, this person decided it’d be great if they came in, got screenshots of us posting about our TRAUMA, and then posted it all to r/DIDCringe. We think they still have more and haven’t posted it yet--they’re spacing it out to get karma (reddit popularity points, basically), from our TRAUMA.

REGARDLESS of if it ever happened, REGARDLESS of if you believe in past lives, exotrauma is real to us and effects us horribly. Having that posted to a public reddit for people to LAUGH at? What do you think is going to happen? We’re going to get worse. We’re not going to heal from it, we’re not going to brush it off and be fine. You’re messing with people who have already been hurt and hurting them further.

It’s real to us because we believe it’s real, regardless of if it’s “real” by this world’s standards. Even if we are delusional or whatever else you want to fling at us, does that make our pain less genuine? Does that make it okay to hurt us further? Doing this to people you think are delusional is incredibly ableist and really shows how you feel about mentally ill people.

I’m saying this as someone in a system who has dealt with this-world trauma as well as exotrauma. I’m saying this as someone who suffers from psychosis, hallucinations and delusions. Just because you think it’s funny to make fun of someone, traumatised or not, does not make it okay. 

Just because they’ve made a post online doesn’t give you the right to post it on a cringe subreddit and make fun of them for EXISTING. It takes courage to come out as a system of any origin and then people like you take that and crush the people who simply wanted to exist and make friends.

Cringe culture is fucking dead, and we’re not going anywhere. No matter what the fuck you do to us.

[bolts-n-fingerguns]

Rants abot my canon. cw implied sa, abuse, alcoholism.

I dont like how I want to get abused by her again. I remember it, I can feel it. I can remember how good and get how hollow it felt, a combination that made me want to hurl when it was over.

I did it just to please her. I did it just because I just couldn't... let her go. I couldn't bear with the thought of not seeing her again because... she was. gone. and I couldn't do anything about it. I don't even know if it was truly love I felt at this point, I think it was just this horrific attachement that was because I let her die once, I can't let it happen again, no matter what, no matter what I gotta do. Even if..

Why did I even do that. Why did I let her do whatever she wanted. why did i go along with it. Why did I think that was okay. Why do I want it again, why do I feel I need to grasp at her hand and beg her to just stay; stay where its safe, to stop getting into danger. I know how capable she is but what if, what if. I cant deal with it.

i still feel so dirty. I can't get the sensations out of my head, its horrible. its awful and disgusting. I remember how hollow I felt, how numb. I don't think I was rlly there.

Between all the alcohol I don't think I was fully there any of the times.

I miss alcohol sometimes, I remember how it made me feel. It made me feel so numb. it made me feel so calm. nothing. no thinking. like all my worries were suddenly lifted. like my world was clearer yet blurrier at the same time. I miss it so much, I need it back so bad. Just how I need her back too.

Sigh, I'm just incoherent now. I just miss what hurts me.

[exosupport]

I feel really bad because I lashed out at a headmate friend about my exotrauma and I went on this huge rant and I feel so so bad? I apologised immediately after and he forgave me and we talked about it more calmly and we're fine now but I feel so bad right now uhh

(david)

Oh that's understandable I think we've had somewhat similar situations happen before in system. It can be really tough but I promise you're not (inherently) a bad person for lashing out when you're in pain. Trauma can be very hard to process and anger is a valid and healthy response.

Your headmate chose to forgive you most likely because he knows how much you're struggling and cares about you. Sometimes it's very easy to forgive the people we love because we know they didn't mean to hurt us, sometimes we just love them through it.

Please be kind to yourself, I promise things will get better eventually.

[bolts-n-fingerguns]

Hrm. Can remember nightmares from my fictotypes.

Sonic's are just stuff that happened to him. It's never stuff that I think would happen, those would be literal omens given by the Emeralds. So not my dreams. They're always very accurate to what happened, but ending or jumping to another thing just in the right moment to make us feel worse. Aka, the moment that was most distressing to us, but we can't fix it in the nightmare nor does it get worse.

Leon's though...most horrible shit I've ever had to see with my mind's eye. All of them just get worse and worse, mixing up with other occurences, setting up very realistic yet unrealistic situations, grabbing what happened and twisting it to be worse than it was. All of them always have death in them or alluded death, in the best cases. And in most of them, I would be the last man standing.

I can remember two in specific of Leons, I will let that for below. Cw for unreality, death and suicide attempt 👍

The first one is not as vivid as the second one.

All I remember is, being in another mission. This time with the Redfields and couple other people, none of relevance, just npcs created for the dream. I remember it was dark, really dark. Chris takes a group of npcs to search a particular spot of the place we are in. Soon enough, the nightmare starts. Npcs go missing and we start hearing screams from Chris' side of the thing. Claire, of course, runs there.

By the time I catched up it was too late. I was able to take on the infected that came at me, as always. And then the last one in that room came by behind me. I couldn't think, the switch was flipped and the room was dark. It's always been fight and kill to survive. I had already pulled the trigger by the time I registered who I was shooting. It was Chris. He was gone, though, it wasn't him anymore. All I remember is this horrible feeling in my gut and heart, absolute dread at what I just did. That's all I remember from that dream.

The second one was... admittedly more calm, if you could call it so. A similar set up to the first one, although Jill was there...and apparently in this fucking dream RC hadn't been blown to smithereens. The Redfields, Jill n I came back there to investigate some shit, something to do with Umbrella. We were where the fire escape was, can't remember the exact location. Claire in front of me, with Chris and Jill leading.

As soon as I gained consciousness in that damn dream, I wasn't gonna go through it. I wasn't gonna see them all die, I wasn't kill any of them. I would end it right there, right now. I pulled the gun to my head, staring right at the cannon. Complete spite against myself and my brain that only works against me. But it didn't go, it was stuck.

Claire immediately noticed what I was doing. She wasn't quick enough to get the gun out of my hand with the first attempt. But we were all equally shocked it didn't go off, so I had time to shoot again. In my bafflement and anger, I immediately shoot the gun again, this time not directed at me, to prove something. And it went off. The fucking dream wouldn't let me die. This time Claire did take the gun out of my hands and yelled at me, asked what the fuck I thought I was doing. I didn't even look at her, but I knew this shit was a dream for sure so I just said so. She was completely baffled and pissed off at me, so she asked again what did I mean. I repeated exactly what I said, this time, I looked up at her.

Her face...the other's faces. Filled with confusement and anger. They had this horrified look, completely petrified by the situation. Her's though, it was burning with anger, nothing I haven't seen before from her. She's scolded me more times than I can count for similar situations, rightfully so.

She asked if I had lost my mind, I responded I had a long time ago. Then she did something out of character that made it so obvious this wasn't her, she turned around and decided to ignore me. Usually, she would continue to go off on me trying to convince me otherwise or soften up and try to reason with me. But she would never leave, or give up on me like that.

I guess you could say she was tired of my bullshit, but she promised me against my own wishes that she would never give up on me. And this girl never breaks her promises, it's honestly insane to what lenght she'd go.

So I told this fake dream version of her, that she wasn't Claire. And before she could turn around, the dream started to fall apart and I woke up.

Yuriyaoi wins people. Yuriyaoi wins.

[bolts-n-fingerguns]

God, the phrase "be brave" will forever be carved into my brain. My source mother said to me before she died, "be brave for me, okay? not a sound out of you until I come back." as she hid me. She didn't come back. I heard the gunshots. I heard the sound of crystal shattering against the ground, an explosion. And I smelt smoke.

And then I was saved. I... don't care to go into more details for now, but fuck... it's been a while since I got hit so hard with it.

[bolts-n-fingerguns]

Me: Yeah we can totally take seeing zombiekin and zombie stuff we got this In The Bag-

*I immediately wakes up Reagan after seeing a singular GIF that made me a little uncomfortable/scared*

Me: We DO NOT have this in the bag fellas, I repeat, we are Traumatized.