boot2bigg - Tumblr blog

[boot2bigg]

im at the point where I am starting to get very depressed again. I’m so bummed all the time and I’m so angry that I’m so bummed. I’m so angry that I cannot cry.

started an adjunct teaching position at a community college and it stresses me out so much. My coworkers are really helpful and nice but I have constant imposter syndrome and I’m just keep waiting for them to discover that I suck. Any down time I take for myself I just constantly feel so guilty. its so hard to come to terms that this could be the rest of my life. I have no time or desire to make art - I doodle more than I did in grad school but I just feel sick about everything.

my partner is kind of in the same boat. We moved closer to our family and we go see them every few weeks and we feel like we should be happier but we are just not. We have each other and it’s like we are the only two people that really know how empty each other is feeling. I do have insurance again - should I go back to therapy? It just always sucks so much - I haven’t seen a good therapist since I was a teenager. And it’s so expensive. im so stressed I’ve been having diarrhea. I feel so sick to my stomach when I go in to teach.

[boot2bigg]

i got to go back to my parents for two weeks. It was nice. I’m glad to be back at the apartment with my partner but he is going through some really bad depression right now. It does not help that we still don’t know where we are moving to when our lease ends at the end of July. I have heard very little from the jobs I have been applying to. I am stressed too- my trip to my family gave me some relief but I am back and I can’t sleep at night and I just want to sleep all day. My partner and I are having communication issues and we keep snapping at each other. It’s just a really stressful time. i can tell we are both really sad but neither of us know how to express it. Like, I wish we could just cry but I don’t know how?? when I was seeing a therapist I was able to cry then.

[boot2bigg]

Lol how does twitter etiquette even work?? I never know if it’s ok to like quote tweet someone’s art and say how I like it or something! Tumblr is so easy in comparison.

[boot2bigg]

My last donation post lost steam and I really need help.

To refer to the full story, here's a link to the original post:

In short, I'm a 24 year old who is currently attempting to regularly go to therapy, get surgery and apply for disability after I attempted to take my own life last year.

I really, really need help financially; my account is currently in the red (negative $82). I had some donations in the last couple weeks that kept me from the negatives a lot longer than I would have without help, but I wasn't able to prevent it any longer after my vet bill came through. If ANYONE can help, even with a dollar or a few cents, I would be forever grateful.

If you cannot donate, please, PLEASE reblog this so it reaches the eyes of people who can.

Paypal: @kikml2

Venmo: @kikml2

Cashapp: $kikml2

Zelle: message me!

[boot2bigg]

officially Got rejected from my top choices of universities to teach at. We out here 😩

[boot2bigg]

I stopped seeing my counselor over a month ago. Should I go schwdule With her again? I still have free appointments with the school Insurance I bought at the beginning of the semester. Idk tho cause I just wasn’t feeling like she was helping. But starting over with someone else when I only have 2 months left of insurance sounds rough.

[boot2bigg]

Lately, it just feels like I cannot hold on to happy feelings. Like, I will be feeling good but I can feel the worry, the sadness, like a pebble in my shoe. I can feel it in my head. And it’s just this constant battle of wanting to be happy but at the same time, feeling guilty because I feel like I do not deserve to be happy (or deserve life). I got my MFA. It’s done. There is a satisfaction with being done but not happiness. But I am learning that others who come out of the same graduate program are bitter about their experience. That others had it worse in some ways.

Just like when I was in undergrad, I have started to finally open myself up to my peers. I have met with two peers over the past 2 weeks just to hang out and talk. This should convince me that I’m a likeable person, this should convince me that I am a good person. But then I see my friends from undergrad on social media, and one has traveled across many miles to meet up with the other. We do not message like we used to. I feel like they hate me. Or that they are mad at me. It’s not like that- they are much closer to each other than to me. But I don’t have many friends I’m close to - I think they mean more to me than I do to them. Will new friends also think this way of me?

Social media, mostly Instagram, is so bad for me but I wont log off. I worry that my friends and peers hate me because I do not post enough activism. I feel like they think I am a bad person, and this only confirms my own beliefs about myself that I already had to begin with - that I AM a bad person. Can’t I just lean into that then? Can’t I just be happy being a bad person instead of being miserable as a pathetic as asshole?

[boot2bigg]

I’m struggling at finding an ItaFushi fic that I like. There’s a lot and I’m having a hard time sifting through. I like slow burns, lots of pining. Anybody got any recs? I’ll also take anything with Nanami in it (as long as he’s with an adult). I really like him and Ino as a couple but there aren’t a lot of fics out there for them.

[boot2bigg]

Anyway, so when I’m not worrying about passing thesis or getting harassed by my crazy professor, I’m just gushing over anime And questioning my life choices And filling out job applications that I know I won’t hear back from. Why the hell am I in the “Fine Arts”???? Like, I literally just want to draw porny fanart 😭

i should have took it as a sign when I met that one person who was making money off those furry porn commissions. That could have been me dammit!! This annoying girl in my MFA program posted on Instagram about how she sees the insta stories of others just living their lives and she is envious because she agonizes in her studio over a drawing. WELL BITCH! ME TOO! I JUST WANAA DRAW PORN!! At least if I agonize over porn art, I know the payoff will be good cause then someone somewhere just might get their nut. 😌

Then the annoying girl posted a picture of the sunset and said something like “this makes the existential crisis worth it” and I was thinking, “gurl, we r not the same.”

[boot2bigg]

Anyway, I’ve started watching Jujutsu Kaisen this weekend and it’s so good. The hype is real. I really like Nanami - he’s probably a fav. I don’t think I dislike any of the characters? There are some antagonists I find annoying but it’s only cause I still don’t know much about them. And the archer guy kind of sucks. Also, these are some of the best female characters I’ve seen in an Anime in a while! My partner and I were discussing this since we also have started new season of My Hero Academia, where female characters tend to take a backseat imo. With JJK, we already have an amazing and tragic dynamic between the Zenin sisters. I also love how unapologetic Nobara is just being herself. I am so excited to see how she grows and how powerful she becomes - I really hope they give her the proper amount of time to focus on her own growth. I don’t want to see her get pushed into the background. the story moves kind of fast but I dont have a problem with that. The pacing seems a bit unconventional compared to like, My Hero Academia. And I HATE the pacing in my hero academia. Even this past season of AOT I found the pacing to be torturous. So the fast pace of JJK i am welcoming with open arms. I do struggle with keeping up with the terminology. The word “curse” is thrown around A LOT. (Watching dubbed btw) So I have a hard time figuring out when they are referring to it positively or negatively, like “curse energy“ vs ”curse user”.

[boot2bigg]

So my thesis defense is tomorrow right? I was feeling pretty good, actually, probably feeling too good. And my crazy professor must have sensed this and called me at 9pm as I’m winding down from the day. She tells me all this crazy shit I need to be ready for and tells me to put together a power point presentation. Then she says that she didn’t tell me to do this sooner cause she didn’t want me to stress and obsess. Like, whaaaat?? How do you think calling me up and requesting All this shot the day before would not make me obssess??!

i guess this is like her last chance to terrorize me so go off I guess, damn.

[boot2bigg]

An example I gave my partner yesterday was this:

In 9th grade, I knew some guy. We had went to the same after school programs growing up and, though we were not really friends, he hung out with a lot of my guy friends. So in 9th grade, I found out that he collected Nazi memorabilia. Like, it wasn’t a secret, he openly talked about it and was enthusiastic about Nazi stuff. It was very confusing to me. So in confidence, I asked one of my closer guy friends if this guy was a Nazi or something - I asked if he supported the atrocities they committed. Anyway, this got back to the Nazi collector guy and he confronted me, not in an aggressive way or in private, just in class. He asked me in a kind of laughing way if I thought he was a Nazi. I don’t remember what I answered - I probably just told him I thought he was weird. We had known each other for a long time, but not in any personal kind of way, just present in each other’s friend groups. Did I think he was going to hurt anyone? No, that never really crossed my mind. But finding out he collected Nazi stuff did make me feel uncomfortable.

In the same way people owning military style weapons make me uncomfortable. Do I automatically think they will harm someone? Idk, I don’t know these people personally. I didn’t know that Nazi collector guy personally enough to decipher whether his WWII enthusiasm was harmless or not. When the anti-maskers were protesting about a year ago with military style looking weapons, that shit was really unsettling. Like, it’s odd that that was allowed.  I don’t like being treated as though I am stupid because I am uncomfortable around strangers with g*ns.

[boot2bigg]

So the mass shooting happened in my city. Idk the sadness and anger didn’t come right away at first. Same for my partner. On Monday, we were just so detached from everything that was happening. Then my partner became really angry about it yesterday and we had a discussion about it all. I spoke about it to my students this morning, as it felt weird not to. None of them said anything. A lot of us at the school are from out of state, though I have been here for 3 years.

On social media, there is all this talk now about g*n control and g*n reform. I never know how to have those conversations. I don’t know much about g*ns despite being from the South and having a g*n enthusiast family. G*ns in the family always seemed to be treated respectfully. That stuff never interested me though. G*ns scare me but I also never felt threatened by them around family. Only outside of my family do I get scared - I don’t know others intentions with them. And I’m sure that’s how many people feel. I worked at a movie theater for 5 years. I was always on guard. Even now (well, before pandemic) I have anxiety in movie theaters. As recent as that Joker movie, I had to get out of my seat and finish the movie standing in the corridor/hallway so that I was close to the exit if something bad happened. I’m extremely paranoid about that kind of stuff and I am always on guard, though I’ve never felt like I need to have a g*n. I feel like I would end up hurting myself on accident anyway. So I just stay in constant flight mode. ready to run away.

About a month ago I got into a little heated argument regarding the g*n buy-back in New Zealand. I off highhandedly mentioned that I thought it was a good idea. Then I felt that I was treated like I was stupid for thinking this way. Because even if g*ns were taken away, people would still make weapons to hurt others. Which I think is true. But at the same time, it is odd to me that the murderer from Arvada was able to purchase a military style, semi-automatic firearm only 6 days before the murders to place. Like, that seems not right. That seems to quick to be able to acquire a weapon like that (if it was purchased legally). I guess if it wasn’t, then I take it back. However, if it was purchased legally, that is way to quick to acquire a weapon like that. And if that is the case, then shouldn’t there be more control established to keep those kind of firearms out of any Joe-schmo’s hands? Why do people need military style weapons?

Like yah, people will always hurt people - we are seeing that with the horrific physical assault on the Asian community in the U.S. as of late. But am I stupid for thinking this way regarding g*n control? I dunno.

[boot2bigg]

Then the night ended with some quick discussion. Both my partner and I are anxious about moving after I finish my degree this Spring. I told him how i feel - like if I do not get a job in academia for next Fall, then my life is over. I told him that I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want to feel like I have to keep waiting and waiting until i feel ready to finally experience life and let myself feel happy and do all the things I wanna do. I don’t want to feel like this is the end.

We discussed how hard it was for him to find a job when we first moved to Colorado. I sometimes forget because now he is at a job doing what he likes and they treat him really well. But I forget how hard it was for him in the beginning. I am very lucky to have him in my life. If I had to experience grad school without him here with me, I really think I would have had a breakdown. Like, I would have just ceased to take care of myself . After I’m done with school, we really want to get a dog. It’s been like our long term goal for five years haha.

[boot2bigg]

The good mood stayed as my partner and I have been hyping up to watch Snyder cut of Justice League. Movies are my supreme form of escape and happiness. It’s especially fun to watch them with others. I wasn’t super invested in the Snyder JL - I had not even saw the original cut. But my partner was excited and that really gave me something to look forward to all week.

It was long, boy was it long. I thought we were almost done, then we paused it for dinner and saw we still had over 2 hours left! Which I found very funny. It is a very serious movie but my partner and I found parts to poke fun at. I was also just excited to see a super hero movie that wasn’t owned by Disney. I’m not super invested in super hero cinematic universes as I used to be, but I am legitimately excited for the new Suicide Squad. The first one was just a beautiful disaster and I low key kind of love it for how bad it is.

So yah, just spending time with my boyfriend and watching a 4 hr movie was just really special to me.

[boot2bigg]

I’m in a good mood. I’ve Tried to make it a habit to write down on this website about the days I am feeling my lowest. But perhaps it would also be beneficial to give recognition to good days as well. I guess one moment that might have kicked off the good mood was going to Zoom class and getting to give feedback to my peers about the writing for their thesis. I have always been very nervous about speaking in class, but our group is small and I have known most of them for almost three years. Though, I have always kept my distance even though I am deeply interested in what kind of work they are creating. For most of my peers, I view them as very superior to myself, so i get very nervous offering feedback. But it all went really well and they wrote down some of the things I said. It’s just nice that like, after almost 3 years, I am able to speak more thoughtfully. Thoughtfulness is always my goal but in a fast paced, discussion based format of most grad classes, I am not so good at forming my words thoughtfully in the moment. So I then get nervous that I will say something bad or that it will be misinterpreted. It legitimately makes me short of breath during those moments. However, I have learned methods that work for me- such as writing the thoughts down as I have them instead of voicing them out loud immediately. And it really paid off today, I think.

[boot2bigg]

I think I love this movie? I definitely want to own a copy of it. As much a I love horror movies, there is a special place in my heart for horror movies that are aimed towards younger audiences. I am always thinking about horror to suggest to kids getting into the genre or even adults getting into it later in life. ”Scary Stories...” I think would be great for like 13-15 yr olds who are wanting something scary but perhaps need to avoid heavy gore and the like.

I think there was an extra compelling aspect to the movie regarding the Latinx boy trying to hide from the draft. His presence felt so natural within the film. He faces some disgusting hate crimes. He has fears of the war and about his brother, which is interwoven beautifully in the story as the audience is shown how his fears manifest from horror he has to deal with everyday of his life into a physical monster that chases him. I know I’m gushing- this movie deals with themes that I think are really difficult to balance in kid/young adult horror, but I think they really pull it off! And these gifs capture some really beautiful moments within the film.

Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark (2019) dir. André Øvredal