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[bpdandothermagictricks]

[bpdandothermagictricks]

Am I Crazy?

My BPD is in full swing this weekend. Like it's seriously kicking my ass. I keep messaging the person I have been seeing and he isn't even responding and yet my crazy ass just sent him another message today. The last time I saw him was Wednesday night/Thursday morning and when I said goodbye it seemed like he was fully annoyed by my presence. The conversations we have had since then are starting to feel one sided based on his answers. And then today he hasn’t even responded to me. I realize now that I must have just been his rebound after he got out of like a 3 year relationship. My bpd seriously pushes me though, it makes me act clingy and weird and I fucking hate it. Is anyone else just so damn tired of their bpd controlling them, then suddenly having a moment of clarity that its fucked up, and then give it a few hours, days, weeks and you’re right back to being nuts? 

[bpdandothermagictricks]

Life Hits You...Hard

Well, I’m back. I wonder if anyone who has seen my posts were wondering what happened...probably not. If they did though...would they think I finally offed myself from my fucked up chemical imbalance constantly pleading with me to do it? The thoughts have been there, don’t get me wrong, but I am still alive, and well, not well. My roommate has a new boyfriend and I am worried about her, she is falling for him incredibly fast and he’s nice enough, don’t get me wrong, but the energy he gives off worries me. They have only been dating for a month and are already looking at apartments to move into together when our lease is up (November of this year). She isn’t her true self around him and that worries me too. I am happy for her, I am so incredibly happy for her, I am just scared she is going to get hurt once again...actually I think I know she will. Anyway, they have been facetiming and talking about the apartments they are looking at so often that my anxiety is at an all time high thinking about where the hell I am going to move once our lease is up. When I say all time high, I mean it. I ripped off all 10 of my acrylic nails (if you’ve ever had these you know that shit HURTS) purely because of a ridiculous anxiety attack and beautifully fucked up brain gave me. Then after I ripped them all off, I chewed down my natural nails until my fingers were literally bleeding and sore. 0/10 do not recommend anxiety attacks. I don’t exactly have some poetic metaphor or flowery post about mental health today so if that is what you’re still reading on for, stop. My body and my soul ache right now and I just want everything to simmer the fuck down. I’m tired and empty every single day and there doesn’t seem to be any little glimmers of hope or things to look forward to these days. For all of you out there feeling the same way, I feel your hurt. I hate it when people say “you are not alone” when talking about mental health. It makes us (or at least me) feel like my own imbalanced brain is just one of many in this dying sea of people. It doesn’t make me feel better in the slightest. It makes me feel like I am more alone, because if somebody truly understood what happened in my mind, they wouldn’t say some bullshit like “you’re not alone”. If that’s me being narcissistic, I guess it makes sense. I have been called a narcissist several times in my pathetic little life, I understand why too. I guess I will dive into the “why” at a later date, it’s a long fucking story let me tell you. If you’ve read this far, congratulations, you must be real goddamn bored, or sad I suppose. Well, I am too, so guess what? You are not alone. 

Cheers, my chemically imbalanced friends.

[bpdandothermagictricks]

The Thing We Don’t Talk About

Borderline personality disorder has overridden my life in a way that devours my  every personal relationship. With my parents, I become distant and far for days or weeks at a time until suddenly I am so needy of them that I am calling them several times a day, unsure why I dialed their number in the first place. My siblings are constantly concerned about my mental health when my mood changes in the blink of an eye around them. My roommate never knows when she is going to come home to someone who has been sleeping all day and silent when awake, or to someone who is energized and making passive jokes about suicide and my depression. When I make begin to divulge in a romantic relationship with somebody, I always want them when they don’t want me and become obsessive to the point that I seem insane. On the other hand, if they do want me, I blow them off and don’t want anything to do with them until they forget about me, and the roles reverse. I often wonder if I am truly insane, or if others with BPD struggle this way as well. The man I was most recently seeing told me he “wasn’t ready for a serious relationship” and well, I wasn’t either, of course, until he said that. Then I dove in head first, texting him endlessly, stalking his facebook, and always wondering what he was doing. I have this imaginary idea in my mind that he is exactly what I want, even though we really don’t agree on most things and he is clearly not somebody I would logically spend the rest of my life with. He got so sick of my crazy behavior that he deleted me on Facebook and Snapchat, telling me, “I don’t think it’s healthy for us to talk anymore”, and still I text him. Maybe I feel like I have some sort of odd bond to him after getting arrested with him one night, and god damn he was so sweet to me after that, helping me with whatever I needed because he felt guilty about my own stupid mistake. Or maybe I truly am just an imbalanced freak who doesn’t have self control or know when to tell myself to stop for the sake of others. 

[bpdandothermagictricks]

Here Goes Nothing

Each day has been dragging on like a snail creeping across a busy highway, narrowly avoiding speeding cars. The snail feels like time has been slowed as it anxiously stares at the other side of the highway, it’s destination, and all that awaits the slimy creature is another opportunity for death with each whoosh of another fucking Toyota Camry. It would be easy for this snail to simply surrender to the tire of one of the hundreds of cars, choosing death over anxiety, stress, and fear. For some reason the snail continues hurrying along the pavement, eager to make it to the median without being crushed into a gooey pile in the middle of the road. 

Yes, I just compared the state of my mental health to a fucking snail. I guess it must be worse than I had thought now that I have had the chance to reread what I just typed. Welcome to my shitty blog, have fun learning about my many chemical imbalances and how it makes me perceive the world surrounding me.