bpdfragileangel - Tumblr blog

[bpdfragileangel]

I wonder who I would be If I was never s*xually abused?

I wonder what it feels like to have s*x with someone in a romantic way and see it as something beautiful and not as a way of punishing myself.

I wonder what it feels like to be loved by a man and not just lusted after.

I wonder what it feels like to love someone and not be obsessed with them.

I wonder what it feels like to enjoy nice clothes and makeup without feeling disgusted by myself in the mirror.

I wonder what it feels like to not feel hypers*xual and then disgusted by it the next minute.

[bpdfragileangel]

[bpdfragileangel]

when you’re so perceptive about the way others interact with you, it makes you hyper focus on every element of yourself in relation to them. whether you were too loud or too angry or too rude or too attentive to them or too *anything*, having borderline personality disorder means you are constantly paying too much attention to how others speak with you, how their body language presents itself, and even in the absence of those things, your brain will come up with a storyline anyway. i don’t have to see someone physically to imagine them rolling their eyes in disgust when they see my name light up their screen, or picture their pity and imagine themselves wishing they had the guts to just unfollow me. i don’t have to be in the same room as my friend to think they’re just working up the courage to tell me to fuck all the way off. i don’t have to see any of it to come up with imaginary scenarios.

having BPD means being on high alert, constantly, with everything and everyone, and it's perpetually exhausting. i'm sure many others can relate, but i wish i had the ability to just stop caring so deeply about so many things, but i can't, and it's almost like the opposite happens when i try to care less. i end up caring more. and it's just beyond draining, beyond tiring.

[bpdfragileangel]

I dont have a FP right now and it feels so weird?? Its like my life is on waiting mode right now because I dont have anyone to live for right now. And I dont know how to act because I usually mirror what my fp likes and wants me to be. Everything I do is always for my fp and now Im supposed to just do stuff for me?😂

[bpdfragileangel]

For some reason I kinda felt more ”normal” during the pandemic because during these two years it was okay to be lonely and okay to stay at home a friday night. The whole world was feeling lonely and unsure of their future like I always do. It was like the world finally knew how it feels to be me.

[bpdfragileangel]

[bpdfragileangel]

I wonder who I would be If I was never s*xually abused?

I wonder what it feels like to have s*x with someone in a romantic way and see it as something beautiful and not as a way of punishing myself.

I wonder what it feels like to be loved by a man and not just lusted after.

I wonder what it feels like to love someone and not be obsessed with them.

I wonder what it feels like to enjoy nice clothes and makeup without feeling disgusted by myself in the mirror.

I wonder what it feels like to not feel hypers*xual and then disgusted by it the next minute.

[bpdfragileangel]

I wonder who I would be If I was never s*xually abused?

I wonder what it feels like to have s*x with someone in a romantic way and see it as something beautiful and not as a way of punishing myself.

I wonder what it feels like to be loved by a man and not just lusted after.

I wonder what it feels like to love someone and not be obsessed with them.

I wonder what it feels like to enjoy nice clothes and makeup without feeling disgusted by myself in the mirror.

I wonder what it feels like to not feel hypers*xual and then disgusted by it the next minute.

[bpdfragileangel]

Am I the only one who feels afraid of eyecontact because I dont want anyone to see how empty my eyes are?