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[branwenwrites-blog]

why is it always so cold in here?

This room is so cold. I'm freezing but I can't control the heat in here. I'm wrapped in about 10 blankets and it doesn't do anything to alleviate the chill. I'm sick as well. I've been sick for months actually - I have this cough and hoarse throat that won't go away no matter what I do. I think the sickness is trapped in this room actually, it's seeped into the walls and I can't escape it now no matter what I do. It infects me as I sleep. I think I'd be fine if I could get out of here but where would I go? I can't go home right now. I can't. It's not possible. It's fucking freezing though - this can't be ethical? The radiator isn't even on, I can’t switch it on. I think it must be to conserve costs, they must switch it on when it gets to like november/december. It has to be like 5°C. I have an essay due for tomorrow and I can't even focus because it's so COLD. 

[branwenwrites-blog]

27/09/2018

Dear diary,

Do you ever wish you could just push a button and have someone else control your body? Someone better; more charismatic, more motivated, more outgoing. You can just switch off and watch them improve your life. Watch them make you friends and go to the gym and study and cook healthy meals every night. Yeah, me too. 

It was my little brother’s 18th birthday today. It sounds really pathetic but I envy him so much. He’s funny and charming; he could make friends with anyone if left with them for 10 mins. He’s had hundreds of people wish him a happy birthday on facebook, hundreds! He’s not even in uni yet, how does he meet all these people?? I feel so pathetically low, I wish I could just touch him and absorb some of his social skills. I’ve tried to observe how he does it sometimes and put it into practice myself but I think it’s just inherent to some people. I’ve always been shy, a wallflower in any situation. I want to get better but I think it’s just unnatural to me, people can always tell I’m uncomfortable. It’s like forcing a smile, there’s something not quite right about me acting confident. 

I’ve been in full recluse mode for the last 24hrs. This is because everyone else on my course is on that cabin trip that I couldn’t get onto (well I think they’re back now). I’ve been avoiding instagram and facebook so I don’t have to look at the pictures; the smiling, happy faces crouched around a camp fire, probably one of the girls stood atop a boulder with her back to the camera facing a valley of sprawling pines. I can’t bear to look at them. I’m devastated that I couldn’t go. I saw them on the train yesterday, excitedly yammering about the trip. I supposed they were heading to the meeting point. I really should have gone over and said hi but I just couldn’t. It was all I could do not to cry in that moment. 

I really hope these entries become less depressing. I hope the wind picks up and rips through me, roaring past my ears and tearing at my clothes. I hope it carries me away somewhere beyond here where I never have any of these worries and people are easy and life is no longer some horrible curse thrust upon me from birth. 

Goodnight, Lots of love from Branwen

[branwenwrites-blog]

20/09/2018, Midday

Dear Diary,

I haven’t really updated this for the past few days, I’d say I’ve been busy but in sooth I’ve just felt really listless and depressed (I mean what’s new lmao). I’ve pretty much been sleeping like 16 hrs a day and staying awake the hours everyone else is sleeping. I even slept through my lecture yesterday, I feel so bad about it. I set my alarm and everything I have no idea how I managed to sleep through it. My mum could tell I’d not went when I was on the phone to her even though I’d kept insisting otherwise, mothers can always tell when you’re lying I guess. She’s coming over tomorrow to visit for the weekend so I’m trying to get my shit together before she does. My room is an absolute midden rn so I’m planning on just listening to a podcast and power cleaning. 

It’s unusual for me to update this at midday (usually because I’m sleeping ha!) but I really don’t know when I’ll next be able to update. Not with the work I have to do tonight and the ever vigilant eye of my mother spying on my every movement this weekend. I’m in Starbucks once again and I think I’m just now noticing that the coffee really isn’t that good for the price. I don’t really care about that though, I don’t really care about anything. I spent a lot of money again today on stupid things: clothes, a £20 pair of earphones (literally the cheapest pair, Norway strikes again), I even bought a padlock for some reason. Maybe it will come in handy if I ever go on a trip?? Who knows?? 

I don’t even know why I’m so obsessed with my appearance, why I bother buying new clothes or wearing makeup or having a 5 step skincare routine. No one cares no matter how hard I try to look presentable. Not to go all elliot rodger on ya but it honestly feels like I’m CURSED or something when it comes to love. I’m attractive, I’m not that weird (just shy) but somehow every guy I’ve ever liked has turned me down. These aren’t like unattainable dream boys either, they’re total nerds (like me), it’s just always never worked out for whatever reason. 

Anyway goodnight (no wait afternoon), Love from Branwen

[branwenwrites-blog]

17/09/2018

Dear diary,

Today was uneventful for the most part (just like every other day in my life - ha!) I had a 4 hour lecture but I only ended up staying for 2 hours. It was pretty bad and everyone else was leaving so I just bounced too - that and I was mega hungry (forgot to eat breakfast again lol). One of the girls in the group is pretty cool to talk to actually, I just started watching attack on titan so I had like a 10 min convo about that over lunch w/ her. She’s like a goth weeaboo (loves berserk, junji ito, k-dramas ect) and her best friend is kinda a typical normie girl (loves instagram memes, the gym, makeup ect). I’m not being rude when I say this but she seems like one of the girls from high school who used to bully me about my interests so I think it’s pretty strange but also sweet that they managed to be friends. I don’t think they’re bad people I just wish they would invite me out more! It’s kinda sad that the 3 people from my university were already a group of pals before they came here, I think that I was left in the dust because of that.  I’m trying to be more positive though. I don’t think moping around is going to do any good - I’m only here 3 more months and I intend to make the most of it even if I have to barge my way into this group. I think instead of waiting to be invited I’ll just message and ask if they’re doing anything at the weekend - as needy as that seems. If they hate me by the end of it well, they don’t have to speak to me ever again!  I made enchiladas again for dinner bc they’re too good and I don’t know how to cook anything else. ALSO I finally met the guy next door to me that I share a bathroom with after 1 month of phantom like behaviour. I caught him leaving as I was getting back in though I think he was either in a rush or was avoiding me because he said hi and ran away - it’s funny because I was talking about how weird it was that I’d never met him just before I got back in. I don’t know when I’ll next get to speak to him, perhaps next month. 

Gnight, Lots of love from Branwen

[branwenwrites-blog]

16/09/2018

Dear diary,

I feel oddly numb now - the abandonment hurts less and all I feel is a dull ache in my chest. I think the past few days of isolation have left me really unhealthy and broken. i’ve barely eaten. Today I got up at 2pm and did basically nothing with the rest of my day. I finished my book, went to church at 5 and went home immediately afterwards. 

I think church is just a chore at this point. I used to enjoy my faith and it was once a place I felt solace in but that feeling has left me and I can’t get it back. I keep going in the vain hope that god will come back to me. It was also difficult speaking to all these people at once after having isolated myself from all human interaction. It feels like the cogs in that part of my brain have rusted. Moreover, I have nothing to say. 

“What have you been up to?”

“Oh I’ve just been studying” (Literally nothing. Nothing. I have been staring at my ceiling or crying or watching youtube and then crying some more.)

“That’s nice! I really need to catch up with work, I’ve been so busy.”

What can I say to that? It’s nice that you have a life and you’re a normal human being, must be sweet. It must be so good having so many friends that you can’t stop for a moment to dwell on how meaningless everything is. People will tell you it’s more healthy when you get out with your friends and live an active lifestyle. I understand that. I’m honestly happier when I’m busy because I don’t have time to be morose, it’s a welcome distraction. Hard to do that when all your friends make plans without you though eh.

I’m going to bed I think. Or maybe I’ll just stay awake until dawn again. Who knows? I have a few lectures tomorrow, here’s to hoping next week will be less soul crushing. 

Night, Branwen

[branwenwrites-blog]

15/09/2018 8pm (pt 2 the shrekoning)

Dear diary,

Woah that last entry was depressing. After writing I proceeding to call my little brother and rant to him for 2hrs about all the ways I felt I’ve been isolated by my group of ‘friends’ for the past month. He’s good to talk to sometimes - he’s still 17 and an idiot but he listens when I’m upset. He also said my journal endeavour was pathetic and embarrassing I should cease it immediately (we love a supportive queen). I also managed to down 5 cans of beers before falling into a feverish sleep at 5am. Yes! I’m well aware of how unhealthy that was and I don’t usually ever drink by myself. But I just wanted to stop thinking, to have that mindless alcohol induced haze that mists over all feeling and produces a kind of peace in the lonely and restless of heart. And now I’m getting poetic about substance abuse - how tumblr of me!

I managed to crawl out of my pit at noon today to travel into the city centre and renew my monthly travel card which in my dehydrated hungover state was no easy feat. I had to wait in the queue for 45 minutes because there were only two people at the desks and the two patrons occupying them were taking ages for what ever reason. I bought a few things from the shops as retail therapy which were excruciatingly expensive (bc norway yeknow) and sat down at starbucks for 2 hrs just chilling. I didn’t want to leave, I felt a kind of contentment I haven’t in weeks watching the sunset and being in this cosy little place filled with people. The thought of my clinical room back at the studentby was really depressing. Sometimes I wish that certain moments could last an era, I really wished that I could stay where I was sitting and not move and be warm and at peace with everything forever. But as ya boy Bobby Frost well knew, the woods may be “lovely, dark and deep” but I have obligations to keep (i.e. 300 pages of reading UGH) and you can’t stay in a moment forever. You gotta go back to ur ghetto of a halls of residence to have a banquet of super noodles and paprika crisps (amazing btw) and then sleep and then die eventually. Hopefully sooner rather than later.

Anyway gnight, Lots of love from Branwen

[branwenwrites-blog]

15/09/2018

Dear diary (or internet?),

After a great deal of deliberation, I’ve decided to start an online journal to chronicle my pathetic life. Shall we begin with a brief biography of the writer? My name is Branwen (an alias) and for the past month I have been studying abroad in Norway. I’m from the UK. I’m 19. I just spent the past 30 minutes crying into my pillow.

Let me explain the source of my grief. Put simply I have no friends here, I had people I thought were my ‘friends’ but they consistently make plans without me and I can see in their eyes how they loath my company. I try my best around people. I try to be personable and outgoing and pleasant (though my personality is the antithesis of these qualities). I always ask people about themselves, I listen to them and try to be the best person I can possibly be. I think though in reality I am boring and forgettable. I was invited along for coffee by an acquaintance after a lecture the other day after I’d made it clear I had no plans and she perhaps took pity on me - she was already meeting another of our acquaintances. The first thing this other girl said to me upon seeing me enter the coffee shop along with her friend was -with a hint of displeasure in her voice- “oh Branwen… I didn’t think you were coming.”

The next incident was the first clear hint I had gotten that this friend group I had acquired did not really want me around. They planned a cabin trip for next month without inviting me. I only heard about it as someone had thought to add me to the group chat as an afterthought and although I expressed how eager I was to come it was to no avail. Apparently, there wasn’t enough room for me. They speak about it all the time in lectures, it feels like being stabbed every time they mention it, seeing how their faces twist in joy so oblivious to my suffering.

They had a flat party tonight. All 3 of the other people from my university were there. The other 2 girls I went to the coffee shop with. Just a cosy get together with some close friends - everyone there bar me because of course I’m not really a part of the group. I was a fool for even thinking so. You may think I’m being melodramatic but please understand this; I thought they were all my closest friends. I’m here for a semester and I have NO ONE else here in this country where I don’t speak the language and have poor social skills to begin with. I visited my friend in Denmark (who is also studying abroad) and she already has so many good friends. She’s only been there 2 weeks and already has a close friend she goes to get coffee with and speaks to every day. I have no one. I seriously just want to die. I haven’t even left my flat in 2 days.

“Can you hear me? Will you listen? Don’t come near me, don’t go missing”

This verse has been circling around in my mind like flies around a carcass for the past 48hrs I’ve spent in self-induced isolation. Can they see how lonely I am? How I’m on the verge of tears when they talk about that amazing party they were at on Saturday and how “you should have been there!” when no one had thought to invite me? Then I think of confronting them, breaking down and saying how lonely I am but the thought only depresses me even more, for I hate being pitied. In this melancholy state of mind, I reject the pity people offer and want them to leave me the hell alone while simultaneously wanting them to care and get up in arms about my grief.

I may sound like a self-centred, silly little girl here which couldn’t be further from the truth. I don’t ever really talk about my emotions at all. I haven’t even spoken to my own Mother about how I’m feeling. If you took the time to read this then I’m sorry for venting. I think I’m just writing this for myself really, but it feels nice to put my feelings out into the world even if this diary entry is lost to time and read by no one.

Goodnight, Love from Branwen