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[braxix]

Tyelkormo: Amme! Maitimo and Makalaure are fighting again!

Makalaure: Stay out of this, Tyelko!

Maitimo: It's private grown up stuff!

Tyelkormo: It's always private grown up stuff.

Carnistir: It's NOT grown up stuff and you're a grown up, Tyelko!

Tyelkormo: Oh yeah!

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Mortal: *Insults Elrond*

Noldor: Truce?

Sindar: Well just this once...

[braxix]

Luthien: Usually this scares people away.

Celegorm: Whatever the hell you are I wanna kiss-

Curufin: What the hell is wrong with you?

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Elrond: So, Maedhros said you also wanted to live in the woods as children?

Amrod: Oh, yeah, we did. Did you?

Elrond: They couldn't have stopped us if they tried.

[braxix]

Finrod: I can now tell you all: werewolves taste awful.

Celegorm: Dude I could tell that from looking. I didn't need to put one in my mouth.

[braxix]

Elrond: And what mental traumas do you have?

Glorfindel: Oh, none. That was all worked over upon my death and subsequent reincarnation.

Elrond: Oh thank the valar.

[braxix]

Sauron: Didn't you swear a healer's oath?

Elrond: I swore the evil healer's oath and now must break as many bones as possible.

Sauron: They should not let your family anywhere near oaths.

Elrond: You would have thought they'd have learned, but no they never do.

[braxix]

I 100% adore the Lord of the Rings movies, but the fact is that the Arwen-Is-Dying-Because-Ring-Magic plotline makes zero sense by the lore (if I’m wrong please correct me I’d love to learn). Don’t get me wrong, it works great for the movie, brilliant, in fact, but it doesn’t really make much sense in book logic. Why would Arwen’s fate be tied to the Ring? If she’s mortal now she can’t Fade, and if she’s still Elvish there’s no reason why it should affect her more than anyone else.

BUT, I was watching the extended scene where Aragorn looks into the Palantir and Sauron speaks to him in Black Speech and shows him pictures of a dead Arwen and smashes the Evenstar (Which is a whole other The-Books-Call-Bullshit shebang), and I came up with my own in-universe explanation.

Sauron: *Chilling in Mordor*

An Orc of some kind: My Lord Mairon (Because THAT is what they would call him), the spies have come back from Rivendell.

Sauron: Show me.

Magic Evil Spy: *Shows Sauron the image of a mortal man of the race of Numenor making out with an Elf lady who looks suspiciously familiar…*

Sauron: OH HELL NO!

Evil Spy: Indeed, Master. The Heir of Isildur lives.

Sauron: Get rid of her, now.

Evil Spy: Right away, Mast- her?

Sauron: Yes! Yes yes yes, I don’t care what it takes, get her out of here.

Evil Spy: My Lord, but surely, Isildur’s heir-?

Sauron: Do not harm that man, you hear me? Do not lay a finger on him until she is taken care of.

Evil Spy:

Evil Spy: Are you sure-?

Sauron: Was there a dog?

Spy: A dog, Master?

Sauron: Yes, yes, a dog, a big one.

Spy: Not that I could see, no.

Sauron: Oh well thank Eru for that, at least.

Spy: Are you feeling ill, Master?

Sauron: No, and I’d like to keep it that way. Arwen annihilation is priority number one, ok? And don’t you lay a finger on her man until I say so, got it?

Spy: Alright then…

Sauron, still looking at the image: HE’S GOT THE RING OF FELAGUND!!!

Spy:

Sauron: KILL HER KILL HER KILL HER KILL HER KILL HER RIGHT NOW!

[braxix]

Maglor: Maitimo, what's the height of stupidty?

Maedhros: Oh, I don't know. Celegorm, how tall are you?

[braxix]

Maedhros: Iluvatar give me the strength to love the kid I cannot change.

Celegorm: What did I do now?

[braxix]

Erestor: *Grumbling.*

Glorfindel: What happened to you?

Erestor: A book fell on my head. I have only my shelf to blame.

Glorfindel: Did- did you just make a joke?!

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Merry: So I said- Sam, are you listening?

Sam: Yeah, Rosie, I'm listening.

Pippin: Rosie? A girl? Ew.

Merry: Disgusting and disrespectful of my stories, Sam!

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Man: Where are your parents, kid?

Elladan: I'm over two thousand years old.

Man: AH.

[braxix]

Elrond: That's Feanor?

Galadriel: Yep

Elrond: He's... Not what I expected.

Feanor: What does that mean?

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Frodo: Who are you?

Tom Bombadil: Didn't you hear my song! Well, I am Tom Bombadil and Tom Bombadil is me! And there is no one quite like Tom Bombadil!

Frodo: And what are you?

Tom Bombadil: Now isn't that the question for the ages?

[braxix]

Elrond: *Grinning*

Erestor: What are you on?

Elrond: You don't want to know.

[braxix]

Maedhros better hope he doesn't get reborn in Valinor cause Elrond is definitely dropping babysitter duty on him.