breakingfreexx-blog

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Enjoy your body, use it every way you can. Don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own.

Kurt Vonnegut  (via 13thmoon)

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Boys

While I was sick, I basically lost all interest in guys.  Instead of thinking about guys or liking someone like a normal girl, I was thinking and worrying about food.  I didn't have anyone to text or flirt with, and I didn't miss it as I was so preoccupied.

This week, as I am starting to re-enter the world outside of the bubble created by my eating disorder, I got to a point where I remembered what it means to be a girl and to like a guy.  

For the first time in too long, I had that nervous and excited feeling.  I got to flirt and text someone, to play the game of catching eyes across a room, I had fun.  I kissed a guy for the first time in ages... 

There are ups and downs to this :) First of all, I am getting better, which is super encouraging.  It is nice to feel a bit back to normal.  Secondly, I am having a lot of fun.  On the other hand, I am SO hormonal right now.  Its like my body has been storing up and kicked into overdrive.

And I remember that guys suck.  And that the game of liking someone and hooking up with someone or starting a relationship always hurts... But at least its normal teenage girl suffering 

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how many cals do you eat? where are you from? and can you do anothher intake post!? sorry for all the ??s xoxoxo

I do not count calories, I just follow my meal plan exchanges.  Things aren't all equal, so some days I end up having more than others.  I am from Wisconsin! And yes, I will do an intake today!

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how old are you can you post a pic?

I am 18, and no pics sorry!

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were you Inpatient? where? also where a re you IOP

I did inpatient for a few weeks... Now I do an IOP program in Wisconsin near where I live

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what is your current meal plan? do you have fear foods or rituals?

My current meal plan (based on exchanges) is:

Breakfast: 2 starch, 2 protein, 1 fat, 1 fruit, 1 dairy

AM snack: 1 starch, 1 fat, and a boost + supplement

Lunch: 2 starch, 3 protein, 2 fat, 1 vegetable, 1 fruit, 1 dairy

Afternoon snack: 1 starch, 1 fruit, 1 dairy

Dinner: 2 starch, 3 protein, 3 fat, 1 vegetable, 1 fruit, 1 dairy

PM Snack: 1 starch, 1 fat, 1 fruit

I have never thought of things as "fear foods" necessarily, but I was avoiding all things that I thought were "unhealthy" for a long time.  Now it is a challenge for me to eat things that don't fall into my old rules ex cheese products and white bread, but I push myself every day!

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Breakfast

Breakfast used to be SO stressful for me.  I only had three things that I ate, and I would lie awake at night thinking of which to choose.  In the morning, I would rush to make it and eat quickly, believing that I HAD to eat within 30 min of waking to kickstart my metabolism. 

This is a bullshit rule learned online and taken over by my eating disorder.  They don't mention in those articles that getting stuck on things like this will probably lead you to shut down your metabolism pretty quickly like it did for me. 

Now that I am recovering, I LOVE mornings.  Breakfast has become my favorite meal of the day.  I wake up early naturally, and I take my time with my morning routine.  Afterwards, I go downstairs, make some coffee, and have my first cup while looking at the news ect.  Then I get to work making breakfast, which always involves cooking one thing or another.  My meal plan now could encompass all three of my eating disorder breakfasts, so I never have to worry :)

I always make something fun and good and take my time to appreciate it.  I eat with at least one member of my family, and we talk about our day and whatever comes to mind.  It is relaxed again, and I am happy and full afterwards, never starving by the time my next meal rolls around.  A good breakfast is carefree and sets the tone for the day.  It also gives me good energy, so I am ready to get to work by the time it is over.  Anyways, I am super happy about this change. 

Breakfast today? Cottage cheese, veggie sausage patties, oatmeal, raisins, almonds, soy milk, and some coffee.  Amazing. 

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So yesterday in goal setting at IOP I decided that I should change up my snacks a bit this week, as I am good about my meals, but I tend to repeat snacks which is too OCD...

So one of the therapists suggested that instead of following my exchanges, sometimes trying out things that I used to have for snacks.

So, in that spirit, instead of a fruit or carb + fat, I am having a luna bar alongside my boost + and not worrying about it!

I hate how hard this is, and how nervous it makes me, but I guess thats what recovery is all about, returning to normal

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What do I eat?

Breakfast: Veggie sausage patties, cottage cheese, oatmeal with almonds and raisins, and soymilk

AM snack: A banana with almond butter and a chocolate boost +

Lunch: Turkey panini, a kiwi, and a salad (with amazing Fresh Market Dressing), and a not pictured soymilk

Afternoon snack: Pumpkin smoothie, amazing (counts as 1 dairy exchange, 1/2 carb, and 1 fruit- I will post a recipe!) and a little toast

Dinner: Chicken parmesan (I am proud of my cooking!), spinach, brown rice, and a less interesting smoothie that was just yogurt, 1/2 banana, and blueberries

Nighttime snack: Kashi bar, apple, and some tea :)

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I had a brownie tonight

No problem. I love brownies- I always have

A month ago, I wouldn't have considered it.  I couldn't have cake on my birthday this year.  That is why recovering is important.  To feel normal again.  To live again.  One step at a time. 

Thats what I did tonight. 

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I am happy to have IOP tonight

Before starting this recovery process, I had never had any sort of therapy.  Then, all of the sudden, I was overloaded with therapists, groups, treatment teams, AA and EDA meetings, DBT skills, and so forth while at the impatient program.  

Now, three nights a week I go to IOP, which is basically 1 hour "process group," 1 hour dinner, 1 hour process group.  In the group there are 6 ppl, all about my age or a little older, all with one eating disorder or another, and two therapists.  The guy who leads it is very cool.  It is SO much more laid back than at impatient, and we talk about everything.  There is a lot of random conversation and laughing, but they are not afraid to be serious. 

Its so strange but sort of amazing... Just being in a nice room with couches and blankets and talking SO openly three nights a week.  There is no judgement, no rules, they can't punish you so why hold back.  I have also learned so much (mostly about eating disorders and psychology) just by listening to the others.  

Anyways, tonight: I actually have something to bring up.  I have to get on a stage and give a speech infront of 300 people who have not seen me since I lost all of this weight.  I may write more about this, as I'm super nervous about it.  Main point: 1. I will feel like such a hypocrite, speaking as a "good example" and 2. It is going to start drama and gossip, and I am not ready to face it.  So, I want to bring that up.

Also, we bumped up my meal plan last week, so I want to see the effect that it has had!

On the other hand, Monday night is dessert night, which means that its the hardest on everyone......

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Be yourself. No one can ever tell you you’re doing it wrong.

Snoopy (via kvshelton)