brgndyhydrangeas

[brgndyhydrangeas]

see i can't have a mentor bc i would want to fuck them. they encourage me and help me be my best? while keeping critical of my mistakes in order to help me improve? and they are concerned greatly about my well being? yum yum

[brgndyhydrangeas]

i love LOVE miserable men. pathetic and snotty-nosed. ugly criers. i want him to be disgustingly endearing. a little fucked up.

[brgndyhydrangeas]

"I want to fall in love. I want the quickened heartbeat, the shaky legs, the blush on my face every time they approach. I want the loving touches, the longing messages, the yearning stares. I want the pain, the heartbreak, the tears. I want it all. I want to love and be loved."

Original posting date: August 25th, 2022 / 11:16 pm

[brgndyhydrangeas]

"the illusion of choice where i feel like garbage because im wasting my youth and not going with friends, and feeling like trash because i feel like an outsider and a pretender when im with friends"

Original posting date: September 29th, 2022

[brgndyhydrangeas]

"My father said he wanted a girl So when I was the girl he got, I believed him It wasn't until the sudden appearance of a little boy Made me realize that fathers will be fathers Just as boys will be boys"

Original posting date: March 17th, 2022 / 12:27 am

[brgndyhydrangeas]

"i daydream about, one day, someone caring enough about me to ask about what my favorite flower is, and giving me a bouquet of them instead of plain red roses"

Original posting date: February 27th, 2022 / 1:25 am

[brgndyhydrangeas]

"What use is the youth if the young wastes it. I fear for the day I grow old, holding onto my beauty."

Original posting date: September 25th, 2022

[brgndyhydrangeas]

"Me and myself have a turbulent relationship Sometimes I hate him so much it's unbearable Other times, I love her so much that all I can do is think about her And on the rare occasions, I feel so lucky to be them that I wish to gift them flowers"

Original posting date: April 17th, 2022 / 8:52 pm

[brgndyhydrangeas]

"And I ask him ''Do you love me?'' And his reply comes quickly, Of course I love you! But if feels like a predetermined answer Akin to the How are you? Fine and you? So I ask him once more, do you love me? I already said I love you And that's when I knew."

Original posting date: December 22nd, 2022 / 12:06 am

[brgndyhydrangeas]

"I open a hole in my chest and take out my heart. And when I take a bite out of it I notice its bland taste."

Original posting date: October 16th, 2022 / 11:57 am

[brgndyhydrangeas]

"i feel like im constantly putting a façade doesn't matter who im with." "adopting an alter ego has helped me with that, because after all, it IS a façade, but without it, who am i exactly?"

Original posting date: July 9th, 2022 / 10:06 pm

[brgndyhydrangeas]

"i prefer letting my grief swallow me in and whole, than letting the explosion hurt other people"

Original posting date: December 16th, 2022 / 1:36 pm

[brgndyhydrangeas]

"I believe, in my core, that I am not lovable. Reassurance means nothing to me because I've convinced myself that no one will yearn for me."

Original posting date: December 17th, 2022 / 7:30 pm

[brgndyhydrangeas]

"If I cannot be born anew in New Years, I will shed my old skin under warm water and make a new coat for my cold, sensitive body— completely recreate myself, not from the ground up, but from a first floor into a second, then a third, then a fourth. Until I make myself proud."

Original posting date: December 26th, 2022 / 9:49

"i am not going to change in new years. i need to be born anew for something to be different"

Original posting date: December 19th, 2021 / 7:39 pm

[brgndyhydrangeas]

"the sadness comes and goes in waves the water pulls away from the shore as tears and pushes in as blinded rage i don't know if i should take pity on the ocean mist or be afraid because it could drown me in any moment"

Original posting date: December 14th, 2022 / 2:30 am

[brgndyhydrangeas]

"Being an artist who struggles with expressing their feelings after having them shut down so often, I developed a toxic relationship with making my pain artistic. Granted, expressing big emotions through art and using it as an outlet is healthy, but for me is more like having to make it a show, something enjoyable, otherwise no one will listen and will shift uncomfortably on their seat the moment I utter a word. Instead, I have to make it digestible, flavorful— is my pain beautiful yet? Is my agony appealing? Can you ignore the soul of my sadness and perceive it as an art form, or do I have to splash more saturated colors onto it?"

Original posting date: December 16th, 2022 / 9:49 pm

[brgndyhydrangeas]

"i know it all too well, i know i was always disposable, but i hoped it would last enough for me to prove my worth"

Original posting date: December 17th, 2022 / 12:38 am