broken--dreams

[broken--dreams]

Please, go ahead. Fuck my mom.

Dead

They are DEAD. I do not mourn

I was used As a toy Made of meat Muffled cries Helpless terror Not just once

They are DEAD.

I was slammed Against the door. Whiplash neck Blazing stars Breath knocked out. Not just once

They are DEAD.

One of them Picked me up Tried to throw me Shrieking, screaming At the wall Not just once Stopped by sis

They are DEAD.

Ones who knew At the time Did not tell What went on Fear of scandal Held them back.

They are DEAD.

Could have helped I am broken Damaged goods Lost and lonely Left to heal On my own.

They are DEAD.

One by cancer Long and slow. Mind had gone Did he know?

He taught me shame Men don’t show Their emotions Pain within.

They are DEAD.

Strong and silent Men don’t show Their affections Tight lipped silence

Men don’t show Their emotions Men don’t hug Their lonely sons

They are DEAD.

Other choking Emphysema 6 months dying On her back

Tube in neck Fight for breath Now half blind Blurred TV

They are DEAD.

She taught me well Taught that trust Cannot be given Should not be given Must not be given Never fully.

She taught me well When trust is given Betrayal follows Rejection follows Abandonment certain.

They are DEAD.

So I live Never trusting Never Loving So I live In my head Ever wary Of Hearts weakness.

They are DEAD.

She lies there Words unspoken Can’t be spoken Words unwritten. Can’t see notepad

Death is coming Death awaits. Death is terror. She knows full well What lies ahead.

Gasp and gurgle Six times a day Fluid sucked out From her lungs Still conscious. Afraid of Death.

They are DEAD.

Both taught me By word and deed By word unspoken Deeds undone Sex is shameful Sex is bad Do not speak. Shame is emotion. Emotion is bad. Emotion is pain.

Rot in hell

They Are Dead.

I do not mourn

I did survive I will heal

Sixty years And six more Since that time That First Time.

I did survive I will heal Someday

"HavIng a dissociative disorder makes you miserable! Its always distressing and interferes with your ability to live!!"

Yeah, having a dissociative disorder does suck and interferes with my life in a lot of ways. But you know what it doesn't interfere with? My ability to fuck your mom.

[broken--dreams]

It's not just love.

I found out that many of the people in my life do not see me.

Some people don't see me at all. I'm someone's baggage. A box of trash left by the curb. I'm not a real person to them.

Some people have a distorted view of me.

Can't blame them. Being invisible was a survival trait when I was a kidlet. But those patterns are less useful now.

But learning to be authentic. To set boundaries. To avoid being invisible just to keep people from getting mad -- All this is really really hard.

[broken--dreams]

For decades I ran canoe trips for teens in Canada's northern boreal forests. They were physically hard. Long days. Bugs. Heat. Cold. Sunburn. Snow. Most of the kids didn't want to be there.

But there were moments of excitement, as we shot rapids. Moments of fantastic beauty picking our way through ice flows at dawn on a northerin lake. Moments of cameraderie around the fire, in the sunset twilight, listening to the loons call across the water.

"Why are you here? Why do you keep doing t his?"

"Because I have to relearn lessons."

"What lessons?"

"That the longest day ends, usually with a hot meal, and a dry sleeping bag. That doing something hard with a group of like minded people is it's own reward. That the phrase "I can't" usually isn't true.

Over the years I watched about a thousand kids do the impossible. While they hated doing these trips, they took enormous pride in having done them. About half of them are now facebook friends.

----------------------------------------------------

I don't carry your burdens. Mine are far lighter. So, me giving you advice is in some sense preposterous. But sometimes a simpler model can give insight into the messiness of life.

Look for moments of beauty.

Grab moments of friendship -- understanding.

One day at a time.

Why is everything so fucking hard? Seriously I can't do this anymore

[broken--dreams]

DID and OSDD are big on internal denial. This is one reason why misdiagnosis is so common.

If you asked me 5 years ago about mental health, I would have copped a plea about social anxiety, social misfit, iconoclast . "Were you abused as a kid?" "Not really. Quirky childhood, but not abusive"

Over half a century after the initial abuse the dreams start.

I've got OSDD. I don't have amnesia between parts.

Or am I just saying that. I'm prettyi solitary. How would I know if I'm amnesic? Maybe I am, but some protector just erases my memory when I stumble across evidence that I'm amnesic. Hmm.

Someone who claims to be an endo system:

May still be in internal denial about the abuse. Those parts haven't surfaced yet. Or their actions make not reference to the abuse where others notice.

People are complex. I'm not ready to say I know all reasons taht people split off parts.

Are there people who claim to be systems because they think it's cool? Ok. Let them. Their role play doesn't hurt me, any more that someone pretending to be the reincarnation of a 14th century Scottish clan chief does.

Teach people who are willing to learn.

Empathize to the best of your ability with all.

Do you support/are you an endogenic system?

I'm traumagenic but I support endos.

I don't think science has done enough research on OSDD/DID to prove that systems can only be traumagenic, and I don't see them doing such research anytime soon. OSDD and DID are part of the seriously misunderstood mental health conditions, although TBH all mental health conditions are misunderstood. I'm not the arbiter of other people's lived experiences, and if someone says they're endogenic I have no reason to not believe them.

[broken--dreams]

Demons

They're back. Stronger than before.

They're back Looking for a fight.

This time, maybe This time, they might win.

They're back Stronger than ever

They're back Looking to win.

This time, maybe I’ll let them win

They won. I lost.

I'm an empty shell. It doesn't matter. I don't matter

Just a shell Sounding hollow In a bitter wind.

[broken--dreams]

Just Believe It.

You will find People treat you Like they don't care. Do not question. Do not doubt them. They do not care. See them clearly Your eyes unclouded. They do not care. Perceive Correctly Believe your senses They do not care. You don't matter. Believe It.

[broken--dreams]

Not true?

Probably technically an accurate statement. But finding that someone is beyond my skill.

And having someone who at least tolerates me because I'm useful is helpful while I seek.

Rachel Gillig, The Knight and the Moth

[broken--dreams]

I don't understand "deserve" Deserve is earned. Good deed ==> good deserts. Bad things ==> Bad deserts.

I'm finally learning about wants. It's ok to want something. Like, "I want to have someone that I can feel safe with." I don't deserve it. But I want it.

I've decided that there is nothing wrong with working toward things I want.

So the example above, no one "owes" me a safe person. I feel unsafe from who I am. All th shit when I was young, left me unable to trust fully.

So If I want to feel safe. I have to learn how to trust.

That's not easy.

But it's a path I can follow.

“Be strong enough to let go, and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.”

— Unknown

[broken--dreams]

They won.

I lost.

I'm an empty shell

Going through the motions.

[broken--dreams]

I think it too late.

I think it was too late 67 years ago.

What is love?

“When you protect yourself from pain, be sure you do not protect yourself from love.”

— Alan Cohen

[broken--dreams]

Please, may I meet such a stranger?

Can I please meet someone that I actual care to know more about? That is internesting.

Can I meet someone that I give a fuck about?

A couple of times in your life, it happens like that. You meet a stranger, and all you know is that you need to know everything about them.

Lisa Kleypas; Sugar Daddy

[broken--dreams]

Nobody likes me.

Nobody likes me, for if they did they would say so.

Nobody likes me, and if they did, they should have said so, and if they haven't said so, it's not my responsibility to read into their silence.

Nobody likes me.

***

to orignal poster: I really am not mad at you. Nor trying to may you look small. But trying to emphasize your point that communication is key. Say what you think. Say what you feel. We aren't telepaths.

I'm not mad at you.

[broken--dreams]

I own and run a tree farm.

I pay the high school kids who work for me $15/hour.

I make money -- enough to live on.

Time to take back the power, we need to go to any length http://dlvr.it/TM1Ycc

[broken--dreams]

Damn. Had to check to see if I had posted this.

I don't think I was terrified.

Or those parts are still deeply buried.

My memory project says I didn't spend much time in the public parts of the house (where my mom was) after about age 7.

[broken--dreams]

Compounding factors with me:

I did not form an attachment bond (or not much of one) with my parents. When I was distressed, I ran AWAY from my parents.

CSA by (I think) my mom. CPA by mom. Emotional neglect, psych abuse by mom. Emotionally remote father.

Everything to do with sex was shameful.

When I was 7, my parents sent my sister away for the shame of getting pregnant. And hid that from me. I didn't find out that I was an uncle until my 20's

Catholic church preached masturbation was a mortal sin.

Didn't get the talk from my dad that most boys get.

Didn't understand this interest that my former friend group had in others our age.

Couldn't talk to ANYONE about this.

Certain I was going to hell.

Also was smarter than about 98% of my peers.

Net result:

Additional gaps in my social skills.

Functional frozen. Default attachment: disorganized-impoverished.

NO serious relationships. (Not: "No serious romantic relationships" No friendships outside of work, very vew 'over the fence' relationships with neighbours.)

Increasing alienation

Loss of hope.

Periods of SI

Childhood Trauma Dissociative identity disorder can be a very socially disabling condition. It is difficult for people to manage friendships and relationships while struggling with DID, and poor experiences can further feed a growing sense of social anxiety as a result of these symptoms.

These anxious thoughts can trigger and worsen traumatic stressors and make the mind more sensitive to such stressors. For teens with DID, social interactions can feel overwhelming, unpredictable, or even dangerous, particularly if past trauma involves interpersonal abuse.

As a result, they may struggle to form and maintain close relationships, experience heightened sensitivity to rejection or perceived criticism, or withdraw from social situations altogether.

Some personalities within a teen may be more confident than others, but social anxiety is still a common symptom. Certain alters may be more extroverted or outgoing, while others remain withdrawn or fearful. This variation in personality traits can make it difficult for a teen with DID to establish a stable social identity, further complicating their ability to interact with peers.

Additionally, they may struggle with trust issues, as their past experiences have conditioned them to expect harm or betrayal. Childhood trauma not only increases the risk of developing dissociative symptoms but can also lead to a range of co-occurring mental health conditions.

Many teens with DID experience symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), depression, and anxiety, all of which can compound their difficulties in social settings. Traumatic memories may surface unexpectedly, causing intense emotional distress and reinforcing avoidance behaviors. Without proper treatment, the cycle of trauma, dissociation, and social impairment can persist well into adulthood.

However, with early intervention, trauma-informed therapy, and a supportive environment, teens with DID can develop healthier coping mechanisms, build self-confidence, and learn to navigate relationships more effectively.

[broken--dreams]

All of your alters are "yourself" in some sense of the term.

Each one is a survival machine.,

The p-did struggle of never knowing whether my actions or feelings are my own or if my alters are influencing me and every time i dont feel like myself i wonder if its really me or i go "is it an alter??? Is there a new one????" Never knowing how much of my "personality" i thought was mine is actually me vs me being puppeted

[broken--dreams]

Pretty bold statement:

"you're allowed to want, prefer and like things..."

Says who?

What am I allowed to want?

What needs can I claim to have?

Someone is sure to say, "Just get over it"

Someone is sure to say, "Don't be dramatic"

I have a WWII surplus rifle. I have ammo for it.

Ultimately I can answer my Need To Stop.

My final piece of control

Not today. NOt this week. Not this year.

"Your love language is what you were deprived of as a child" actually no you're allowed to want, prefer and like things without everything tracing back to some dormant unprocessed trauma. You can just say you want to bounce on it without having to explain how as a child you always wanted - but never got - a trampoline.