broken--dreams

[broken--dreams]

A: Once you have formed alters, you can create others easily.

B: Generally the trauma happens in childhood, as this is when we are most vulnerable and least able to act effectively. But it can happen in abusive relationships, in slavery, in prison camps.

C: DID can remain hidden for decades, and be discovred long after the original abuse.

"You cant form alters later in life"

"DID has to happen in the golden years"

"Final fusion is the only answer ☝️🤓"

So it cant form later in life but you can somehow magically reverse it whenever you want despite DID literally being a difference in the brain since according to psychology it happens during brain development? What makes you think you can just fix it?

Fuck final fusion man. Shit isn't realistic

[broken--dreams]

Maybe. But there are contenders:

Greed

Self-righteousness

Stupidity

Hypocracy/Cognitive dissonance.

When historians reflect on this period in time, cruelty will be the word most often used to define it.

[broken--dreams]

Yesterday, upon the stair, I met a man who wasn't there He wasn't there again today I wish, I wish he'd go away…

When I came home last night at three The man was waiting there for me But when I looked around the hall I couldn't see him there at all! Go away, go away, don't you come back any more! Go away, go away, and please don't slam the door… (slam!)

Last night I saw upon the stair A little man who wasn't there He wasn't there again today Oh, how I wish he'd go away…

“There are no files, but if there were files, I wouldn’t be in them. Also can you look through these files and let me know where I am mentioned, but don’t worry there are absolutely no files, and I am not in them” - Donald Trump.

http://dlvr.it/TM1SWj

[broken--dreams]

Of course. It's a reasonable strategy. I know the signs. I know my (lack of) worth.

Don't give me grief about worth. Some people are intrinsically more worthy than others. This can be due to various reasons:

They worked to make themselves better.

Natural talent.

Parents that cared and helped you to develop.

But on any measure there are people that are better and people that are worse. I know that on the scales most people use, I'm somewhere in the bottom 10%

Now tastes differ. My worth in the eyes of Mike may not be the same as in the eyes of Bill. But even with that, some people are still going to be on the bottom of the scale.

So it's not surprising to me that They chose another. And I say more power to them. I'm no catch. I wish them to be happy. My gift to them is that I become invisible in their world.

They always choose someone else, and I always let them.

[broken--dreams]

Before I can answer that, you have to define "Love" and "lovable"

This is not trivial. Love is used in a bunch of different ways. Some languages have multiple words for it, and *still* there is confusion.

I refuse to say, "I love you" because I don't know what it means. But from the way other people use the word I'm pretty sure I've never felt it. I can say, "I will do my duty by you" or "I want to protect you" or "I want to help you become the best you that you can be." or "I want you to be free to be you." But none of these is the emotion "love"

Lovable will become clear to me I think once I understand love. But for now you are lovable, or at least likeable if you meet some of the following:

Are interesting to talk to. You know enough to be able to teach me stuff. You want to learn stuff that I can help you learn. You share enough other interests that we can both learn together.

Are funny/witty.

Are curious about things, nature, people.

Show compassion to others.

Show courage when things get sticky.

Have integrity.

Are open and share your world with me.

[broken--dreams]

No it was worse.

They clipped my wings. And gaslit me into beleaving I couldn't fly. Worse they convinced me that it was a sin to fly.

The filed my claws. Taught me that it was wrong to stand my ground. That my role was to be a servant to all. Effective. Invisible.

But feathers molt and grow back.

And claws can be refiled as they grow too.

Beware.

[broken--dreams]

Press Release

Today the national weather service has announced that it will only be working M-F 8:30 to 4:30. Please be sure that your hurricane only needs updates during normal office hours.

We will no longer be sending planes into hurricanes. That's expensive. We rely on satellite imagery only, plus our network of land based stations.

Rough estimates done on a coffee break indicate that this will result in only modest 50-200% increases in deaths, injuries, and property damage.

[broken--dreams]

I've not run into that yet. My littles aren't people they remind me of the gas flame cartoon figure used by some of hte natural gas appliance dealers.

Near as I can tell they are simple creatures theat live only in the present. Play during the day, and roost in the brancyes of a gatekeeper ent to rest.

In IFS terms they are likely the memory bundles of individual CSA assaults. They are happy right now. I hve no intention of disturbing them.

"omg you have littles? they must LOVE being babied!" "omg you have a persecutor? they must be very dangerous and evil..." "omg you're a protector? you must-"

*bashes your head with a metal pipe* shut the hell up

DISSOMUSE OUT!

────────────────────────────────────────────

[broken--dreams]

I refuse to use the word love anymore. It means too much.

A committed relationships is fine with love as a feeling. But yes, it requries more.

Duty: A promise I made myself. I keep it to maintain self respect.

Integrity. My actions and my words match up.

Trustworthy This one is big.

But this isn't love.

Due to my childhood truama I don't know how to love. I don't know how to attach, to connect. I have never had a "deep meaningful real" relationship.

But I do know my duty. I work hard to be trustworthy even If I cannot trust anyone emotionally. I have integrity.

Brown breaks it down into 7 categories. Good youtube video here on Trust

[broken--dreams]

My T does a lot of these and minor variations. What's eerie to me is that she picks up on it before I do.

She gets me.

But she also scares me. She has too much power. She reads the cords that bind my soul. I would not want her as a supper guest. I can't compete We are no more equal than I am with my dog.

[broken--dreams]

Let's do the math. I'm going to be doing 1 sig fig arithmetic. :

8 billion people. 34 T dollars.

That is 4K per person. Everyone.

Who is poor? In Canada we call it the bottom 25%. Ok, they have a definition, but it works out that the bottom 25% is pretty close. They however are wealthy compared to many 3rd world countries.

Let's apply that world wide. That's 16K for every poor person on the planet.

Is it enough? No. But even a small fraction of that could put decent water in 90% of the poor. Provide a 1 w solar light so that kids could study. Could vaccinate against a raft of diseases.

34 trillion wouldn't end poverty. but it could make a lot of people a lot less miserable.

Our suggestions for stopping a fascist oligarchy are no longer passive, second amendment applies. http://dlvr.it/TLjwTM

[broken--dreams]

In addition to this: PV may well replaced after 15 years -- becasue newer panels will be more efficient. If the sky+mounting situation is expensive, then it may make sense to replace.

I anticipate a big market in used panels. There will be companies that specialize in takeing old panels, and bridging past dead cells. Now the panel produces 46.6 v instead of 48. So waht? Someone will design a controler chip that periodically isolates a panel, determines it's open line voltage, it's voltage drop at several key current values, and tunes the inverter circuits to maximize the power yield.

I have 80 acres. I'm at latitude 55 degrees so PV has to be about 8 times their height to not shade eacho other in mid winter. Suppose that in 30 years NEW pv panels are 30% efficient. Today's 20% efficient have worn out to 15%. But they are 1/4 the price. So I roof my entire equipment shed with them. I put a row of telephone pones on my north boundary, and put a 10 meter high high fence of used PV At 15% efficiency and about 1 kW/m2 sunlight I have peak power of 1.6 kW per meter of fence. My north line is 1/2 mile = 800m =1.3 MW.

[broken--dreams]

Grief can be illusive.

I don't grieve for my lost childhood.

I don't grieve for the lovers and relationships I've never had.

I don't grieve the passing of my parents.

I don't grieve for my mentors who have died.

Why can't I grieve?

I am broken.

[broken--dreams]

Try this in dim light.

Set up a half length mirror.

Put a cushion 5 feet in front of the mirror. Test this out aht you can see your reflection of head and shoulders in the mirror.

Set two candles so that their flames are 6" above head height. A milk crate a few books for a tall candle. Two milk crates for a short candle.

They should light your face from about 30 degrees from either side. You and the two candles form an equilateral triangle. The mirror is just behind the line between the two candles.

When you look you should be able to see your reflection clearly, but the lighting will be fairly dim

Concentrate on the reflection. You may find it usful to put a gold star on your nose or forehead to help you focus.

It may halp if you put some form of repetative music. Philip Glass, Bolero.

You will see interesting things after a bout 10 minutes.

[broken--dreams]

Not hard to do, if you ahve the right climate. And you can do this on rocks.

Find a big patch of moss.

Take a handful.

Put in a blender with two cups of buttermilk.

Blend.

Paint the rock.

You can paint patters, use stencis.

CLIMATE:

This doesn't work on the sunny sides of buildings in sunny climates.

It doesn't work in deserts.

It doesn't work if the wall never gets wet in the rain. BASE:

You need a rough surface. Vinyl siding is a non-starter. Most shingle roofs work if you have semi damp climate.

Bricks should work. Wood works, but the constant moisture shortens it's life. I think cement siding panels will work.

Turn science loose

[broken--dreams]

Actually, I think it's an underutilized skill.

Consider:

Anytime you have a hard unpleasant job to do.

When you are physically exhausted and need to just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

When you are in pain, and can't stop long enough for the Advil to kick in. Or it's beyond advil's power.

I'm seriously trying to learn to do this: I want to learn how to turn dissociation on or off in ordinary life.

Then maybe I can learn to turn it off when it gets in the way of living an ordinary life.

Then maybe my parts can learn they always have a safe place to run back to, and will be a bit braver about coming forward.

Then maybe we can learn from each other and become a true consortium, each contributing their skill, their view. Each receiving their needs.

Maybe.

"I have come to believe with fervent passion that the focus on multiple personalities is missing the point. Dissociative identity disorder is not rare; it is not unique; it is not special. It is just a logical set of symptoms to some terrible trauma. It is a normal way to react to very abnormal childhood treatment."

- Carolyn Spring

[broken--dreams]

This sounds like someone planning an exit.

I am similar.

I laugh a lot, but not at what many others laugh at. Cruelty, humilliation, stupidity are not amusing.

I ask weird qeustions. Constantly. Unweird ones too. Pointed ones. Embarassing ones.

I see life from screwball angles.

I talk deep. Nothing is black or white. Grey, tints, pastels, bright colours. Inside every dichotomy is a trichotomy trying to get out. Some days I have a spark. Some days. I'm just me. Some days I am present. Some days I drift in a cloud of dissociaiton.

But that last one.

What is love?