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brokenmusicboxwolfe Ā· 1 hour
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brokenmusicboxwolfe Ā· 2 hours
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Bad, bad, bad day.
Short version? My brother screamed at me, not shouted, screamed. He started at shout level, and shouted louder to cut me off any time .i tried to talk.
Iā€™d sent a message trying to explain (calmly and in detail) the situation with all the stuff in the house, but no one responded. So when I called Mom I was shocked to get yelled at the second he picked up the phone. My message was ā€œsharpā€, ā€œsnippyā€, and ā€œnastyā€, so I tried to say I hadnā€™t mean it that way, I just wanted to explainā€¦
And the screaming started.
I asked if we could move Mom in the bed room with the least stuff, with the advantage it was next to the bathroom. This was, apparently, a stupid suggestion. He didnā€™t want nurses or aides walking around the house, so the ONLY place to put her was the front bedroom.
The room with all my stuff, every wall floor to ceiling with books, and thousands of action figures, dolls, stuffed animals, figurines, odd objects covering them like moss.
I said it would take time, but Iā€™d do it.
Screaming.
Turns out the floor to HIS house is collapsing (making his belittling me for my floor troubles extra irritating) and they need to do this immediately.
I said Iā€™d do it, just give me a little time.
Screaming. Apparently I donā€™t care about Mom, itā€™s Momā€™s house so she shouldnā€™t have to wait, Iā€™m lazy, Iā€¦.
I took a deep breath and said yelling at me wasnā€™t helping, and I already said I would do it.
He screamed LOUDER! Heā€™s said I was yelling, and then said if he was screaming it was my fault.
I had to hold the phone away from my ear. I heard his voice go beyond what it could handle, screeching.
I tried one last time to say Iā€™d do it.
He hung up. I didnā€™t get to talk to Mom at all. I donā€™t know when he will let me talk to her again.
I donā€™t think he EVER heard me say I would do it. He sure never acknowledged it. He acted like I was saying ā€œnoā€
After the call I rushed to Momā€™s house to work in a frenzy, faster than I should have. I fell down twice. I worked without a break. I didnā€™t stop until 6:30. I can barely walk. My feet, ankles, bad knee, bad elbow, and back all hurt like hell. Iā€™m exhausted.
Iā€™ve filled all the sofas, chairs, and beds. Iā€™ve stacked books on planks on the floor in the other room, Iā€™ve books three feet high on my brotherā€™s work out bench (his stuff is in that other room and I have to work around it) There is stuff everywhereā€¦
And this is the easy stuff. Where do I put the books when there is no where to put them? And where do I put the bookcases when they were in the only place big enough for them?
Dunno. This is hellish. Iā€™m one person, with a broken body at that, and no free space at all to put anything!
And I dragged myself back to the shop house to feed Ryoga, only to find my dear piggy has torn a plank off his house, so I had to wade through the mud (it poured all day) to get it out before he hurt himself on a nail. Now I have to fix his damn house!
And there isnā€™t enough money in my back account to buy animal feed next week, so I have to cross my fingers I can make it last long enough.
And my ipod shuffle, the last way I had left to listen to music, died for good. Because of course it would when I needed music to soothe me.
Then again, could anything soothe me right now???
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brokenmusicboxwolfe Ā· 2 hours
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brokenmusicboxwolfe Ā· 2 hours
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Sorry. Things are very bad for me right now, so I dunno when I will get to ā€œnew stuffā€ again. Eventuallyā€¦.
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brokenmusicboxwolfe Ā· 5 hours
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brokenmusicboxwolfe Ā· 9 hours
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brokenmusicboxwolfe Ā· 13 hours
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brokenmusicboxwolfe Ā· 17 hours
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brokenmusicboxwolfe Ā· 1 day
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brokenmusicboxwolfe Ā· 1 day
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I almost never reblog stuff here, but I love this shot. (Give them a follow. I always look forward to their photos!)
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June 2012 KTM Kathmandu Nepal Boudhanath
Ā© KOJI ARAKI Art Works
Daily life and every small thing is the gate to the universe ļ¼šļ¼‰
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brokenmusicboxwolfe Ā· 1 day
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brokenmusicboxwolfe Ā· 1 day
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Honestly, at this point I hope life gives me a chance to make ā€œnew stuffā€ drafts before I run out of these!
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brokenmusicboxwolfe Ā· 1 day
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I soooo wish I had a best friend I could vent to right now.
We have two houses, the shop house and the house in town.
The shop house is the one with every floor collapsed, where I walk on planks over holes in the floor, where the bedroom door fell off because the rot had gone up the walls. And then there are the plumbing problems you do NOT want to know about
The house in town is the bigger house and the only rot from that leak next to the kitchen chimney, BUT that house plenty of problems. It has, on top of the holes left from tearing on the the rot, a tin roof coming loose, no insulation, etc, it currently has NO electricity and NO water. The house needs complete rewiring before the power can be hooked up and most of the plumbing repaired. The house also has the contents of three houses and generations crammed into it. 98% of my stuff has been there since the floors collapsed.
When Mom dies I am supposed to inherit both houses, and I have been living between them. My goal has been to try to keep my life barely livable. I have no money so I canā€™t do the major work needed, but bit by bit I am trying to get the house in town so I can at least have indoor plumbing somewhere if (ok, when) the shop house situation reaches the point of no return.
My brother has not set foot in either house in years. He has not helped me with either house.
A couple of months ago I decided ā€œFuck it!ā€ I have kept almost all my belongings in 50 some storage containers for the last 9 years. I couldnā€™t get to my stuff, some of it was molding, containers had crushed, breaking things, etc. And yet I wasnā€™t moving anyone elseā€™s stuff. I was afraid of making my brother angry. But damn it, this was MY house at this point. For five years no one else has been in it, no one else was ever going to live there, and I was going to own it one day.
I SHOULD take my stuff out of at least some of those containers! Hell, I should even use the big bedroom my brother hasnā€™t slept in for 25 yrs. I have every rightā€¦.
So yesterday I finally finished spreading stuff out, just overlaying my stuff on everyone else's true, but putting my things in many rooms. All the DVDs ended up stacked on tables in my brotherā€™s old room, a sofa got filled with dolls, stuffed animals, etc. And now I could focus on that important stuff (plumbing first!).
And my brother shocked me today with an announcementā€¦
He wanted to bring his whole family and move into the house in town while I keep living in the shop house!
Taken aback, I said how I was expecting to move into it because the shop house is getting close to unlivable. And that the house in town has almost everything from the shop house in it right now. And the houseā€¦
I didnā€™t think to ask about the inheritance aspect, which is just as wellā€¦
He was furious. We will NEVER live in the same house, an he never even wants me spending a single night under the same roof. And itā€™s all my fault.
ā€œYou know itā€™s your own fault!ā€ The collapsed floors and rot is my fault. Not the original construction of the house that is terrible for the climate. Not the fact that when Pop realized what was happening he had to put off working on it to help my brother work on an extension to his own house. Not that Pop got cancer before he could get the repairs done, with a pile of debt by his death. Not that Mom went into a deep depression and would do nothing (and allow nothing) be done on the house. Not that when the floor finally started collapsing Mom sighed and said ā€œI had hoped weā€™d just both die firstā€. Not that after months of frantically trying to move things out of the house after the collapse we found we had no money for repairs. Not the fact we kept getting sidetracked on other emergency repairs. Not that Mom had her stroke.
Not that I am now trying to take care of both houses AND the Burras House AND the big boat AND the various out buildings AND the two vehicles AND the animals COMPLETELY by myself on just $1000 a month!!!!!
He hasnā€™t ever helped or offered to help, but itā€™s all my fault for ā€œlettingā€ everything fall apart. Iā€™m just lazy and worthless, after all.
Obviously thatā€™s upsetting. No one thatā€™s suffering likes to be blamed for their own suffering. But whatā€™s worse is everything is now unsettled.
See, my life is a disaster but I had that house in town as my hope. Sure, I had work to do, BUT I thought one day Iā€™d have enough to get by. Electricity to one room, the toilet, one sink, and the shower. My belongings were already ā€œsafeā€ in that house, and I would be able to join them. Iā€™d own the house and we could become rickety old wrecks together.
Now though? Will I inherit the house? Will my brother have the right to throw my belongings away, like he always threatened? Will I be forced to keep living in a floorless house as my body grows too frail for walking planks? Will the plumbing finally fail completely at the shop house, with me having to access to the town house?
Honestly, Iā€™m actually scared for all the stuff I have just put all around the house. I guess itā€™s good I never had the courage to pack up my brotherā€™s stuff. I thought I was being stupid, having every right just to move the stuff but still too scared of making him angry. But nowā€¦
No one ever worries about making ME mad. No one worries about me generally, neither physically or emotionally.
Did you know that my brother has told people not to ever help me with anything because I need to be taught a lesson?
Stephanie is tough. Stephanie is smart. If Stephanie doesnā€™t do something itā€™s only because she is lazy. If Stephanie is upset about something sheā€™s just being weak. If you are just harsh enough to Stephanie she will ā€œfixā€ herself and not be so pathetic. Stephanie is either ā€œfineā€ or beneath contempt.
I never ask for anything. I never ask for help. I vent here sometimes, but I never do this with actually real world people. I never want to be a burden or a problem.
Yet Iā€™m just a whiny, selfish, bitch that deserves everything she gets, at least as long as what she gets hurt her.
I dunno. I guess I can get started repacking my stuff up, but what do I do with it? It wonā€™t all fit in one room, so do I have to move my stuff back to the house with the collapsed floor? That wonā€™t work. Besides, it took six months to move everything from the shop house to there, and he is not a patient soul. And while I may be able to fight to protect my stuff, what about the rest? It isnā€™t ā€œjunkā€ whatever my brother thinks! I treasure things that belonged to my family, and there is nothing like finding something like my parentsā€™ letters to each other to remind me how irreplaceable most of it is!
They seem so determined. I donā€™t get a sayā€¦..
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brokenmusicboxwolfe Ā· 1 day
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brokenmusicboxwolfe Ā· 2 days
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