brushpenpoems

[brushpenpoems]

Waiting Room

pista-green and bleached sand beige

is the color palette of the waiting room

we're waiting in and it's

warmer here than the night outside

I tuck my feet under my legs as I

sit on the steel metal chair as I

stare at the clock that died

ages ago at eleven forty-seven

in this waiting room that is

humid with the sweat clad

hands of twenty five women

going to and coming from

places near and far

held like souvenirs in their heart

~brushpenpoems

[brushpenpoems]

I was on canva today. Just making a random design. I added a pink glitter background and magnified the canvas to get a better view. Then scrolled through pics I’ve uploaded in the gallery. Chose one pic, deleted it. chose another, deleted again. Chose one again but this time… time froze before I could think. A magnified image of a girl looking at me in the eyes. With her eyes. Of course I’ve seen that picture before. And I’ve never not looked at it for 2 minutes straight. But this time it was bigger, the picture. I was most certain it was alive. I saw you breathing. I saw your smile widen. I looked into your eyes. And I saw love in the curve of your upper eyelids. Saying it once does not satisfy my heart. How can the curve of someone’s upper eyelids be so kind, so loving. What am I saying. I don’t know if I want someone else eyes to look into yours and see it. If I want it only for mine. Or if I want someone else to see it and be healed. All this time, I didn’t like the profession of doctors. I didn’t like white coats and bland blue scrubs and white floors and white desks and gray lives because that was all I thought of it. But- when that picture of you, your existence, the love in the curve of your eyelids, healed something I didn’t even know needed tending, I saw. How it is in your nature. It’s in your gaze and your smile, even in your eyebrows, in the shine of your cheeks when you grin. You’re the closest person I’ve seen to angels or nymphs. I wish I was joking. It’s not all very good to sound like one’s gone mad but it’s worth it. Whoever comes to you for solace will find it as soon as they meet your eyes. But this is not all you are. In that picture, I felt like my soul was holding yours and I found myself not even caring if it was forever or for a day, it was too beautiful to care, like if I wished for it to be forever I would miss out on being grateful that my being holds this form of you in its crystalline lens right now, like the time i would use for wishing could’ve been used for loving you right now instead. Because that’s how it is. I did not know I was capable of this much love, this much adoration. Love -that word is so feeble compared what I feel right now. It is not something between you and me. It’s as if you’re standing on a sandy beach in front of me looking back at me while I feel all this and the dark green ginormous mountains and every single tree in it and the expanse of peaceful dark clouds behind it is a witness to something so miraculously yet naturally human that no language can string together. Our existence needs no attention or acknowledgement like the majestic creatures in the depths of the sea that no one can reach exist in silent glory. I read somewhere that the sun was great and beautiful before anyone’s acknowledgement of it. It’ll continue to be even after all of us are there no more to look at it. Like when black holes collide into galaxies, it may be happening light years away with no onlookers, in all it’s magnificence, so beyond acknowledgement. It’s only witness is itself and the void in which it lies. We’re something similar to it too.

Your dream and the reason why you pursue it is beautiful. I want to tell you a piece of simple but wonderful advice that I learnt from Cinderella's mom in the movie, "Have courage and be kind" she had said. You are a person who lives and goes through life with grace and resilience. You'll have a great journey no matter what you choose.

I have to bid you farewell for a while now, and I don't want to at all. I'll terribly miss sitting in the same bench as you. I'll wish for us to meet often. I'll hold you in my heart. Time and space may pull planets apart, parvathy, but not me from you.

[brushpenpoems]

Our English teacher gave us an assignment to prepare a set of interview questions to ask to someone whom we admire the most in class and write down the answers. My friend chose to interview me.

1. How do you usually begin your day?

I wake up at 6 in the morning or 6:30 if I'm feeling tired. Then I go to the bathroom, freshen up and do yoga for sometime among other exercises too. I used to practice yoga infrequently since a long time but started doing it consistently since last month and I've realised it makes me feel energised and ready for the day in the morning.

2. What is your definition of success?

This is a good question, as success may mean different things in the perspectives of different people. Success for me is doing things in life that fulfill me, my being. Fulfillment, I think, is doing what fulfills you, it doesn't require you to be execeptionally good at it. You enjoy it no matter how proficient you are at it. For example, I love painting among many things related to art. I have done quite a handful of paintings, feeling so joyful seeing the vibrant, colorful liquid paints stain my arms and clothes. Almost all of them didn't turn out very good, but nothing could beat the joy I felt during the process. Now if I'm asked to give an answer concerning my future - though I don't think of it all too much- I'd like to learn some skills like graphic designing, or UI designing and do projects for clients through remote freelancing. Then travel the world and learn different cultures, meet and make friendships with a lot of people, many kinds of people, learn about their lives and perspectives, eat different foods from different places, go on little adventures to less explored places, listen to lost stories about kingdoms and tragedies from local people, and all that jazz. This is what sounds like success to me, as it checks out all my boxes for knowledge, friendships and adventure.

3. What is a thing that you're grateful for?

There are many things I'm grateful for in general. Like the comfort of my home and surroundings, good climate, and all that. But there is one thing that I'd be grateful for my entire life no matter how grim things get. Friendship. The ones that I once had but now are too far away or whom I lost connections with, ones that I've had for years and are still going strong, ones that ended too early, and the ones that I made only a short while ago. What I've realised when I looked back at every single one of the friendships I've had and adored is that all of them have taught me something. Playing badminton with my 3rd grade best friend till we hardly let the shuttle touch the ground, the 7th grade girl in my school bus who narrated me the story of Harry Potter with so much interest that led me to become a fan of the series for years, the three girls I became friends with in 4th grade who made me feel normal at a new school in a different state where everything seemed unfamiliar, my cousin whom I hadn't talked to in years lifted me up from the darkest of places and made me fall in love with rainbows and colors again, the four girls from 9th grade who stole my heart with their genuinety and love that makes me realise how lucky I am, the boy I started talking to in 9th grade who taught me passion as he taught himself electric and acoustic guitar and practiced every till skin on his thumb peeled off and then later also became interested in cinematography and started making beautiful clips, and the two girls I just met in 11th grade who have soft hearts, tough boundaries and great thoughts and make me learn negotiation and light-heartedness. All of this makes my heart fill with gratitude that I'll carry in my blood forever.

4. What is your priority in life?

My priority in life, since safety comes first, is to be able to stand on my own legs early on and become financially secure so that I can support my mom and help my friends when something happens. Peace of mind and a cool, chill but adventurous group of people to surround myself with is also included

5. Can you share an experience that changed you as a person?

Here's a small anecdote about what happened just a few days ago. Me and my friend whom I go home with walked to the bus stop further away from school every day so that we could get a seat. That day, we saw the bus had reached the bus stop before we got there and couldn't catch up in time. It was the bus we boarded everyday to go back home so we were quite frustrated in the beginning. Then I said,"Well, new adventure! Let's do it for the plot!". She too nodded enthusiastically. We boarded a rickshaw and got off at the junction and got on a bus to Kaloor half a minute later. While on the bus, sitting on the frontmost seat next to my friend with a view of the entire road, I thought to myself how easily this could've made me bitter and regretful the whole way home. I could've beaten myself up for going to the further stop instead of the nearer one or just because it was out of my routine. It was unfamiliar. But instead, I saw the opportunity to live that evening in a different way. On a bus that I haven't boarded before, with seats and interior similar to a tour bus, we talked and enjoyed the ride. We got off the bus when we reached Kaloor, the stop from where we either need to catch another bus if there is any or walk home. My friend said it would be nice if there's Navas, the bus that we missed, at this bus stop since there had been a lot of traffic. I quickly walked over to the green bus standing at the front and saw the name 'Navas' written on its back. Instantly calling over my friend saying she was right, we got on it from the back entrance, from where we don't usually get on the bus. Making our ways to the front, we realised the bus wasn't so crowded as it usually is and laughed to ourselves, thinking that the evening was fun nevertheless. The life we could've lived is on the other side of the imaginary confines of how it should be lived.

6. What is your perspective about life, and how do you look at life?

Life. This is one of the most open ended questions ever in my opinion. The answers can vary from a shrug to a whole philosophical session. For me, it is a teeny tiny bit of the latter. When I was young, I achieved a zonal gold medal and international fourth rank in the SOF english olympiad. But instead of celebrating it, I was encouraged to achieve something more, something better. Now when I look back to it, I have realised that almost everyone that I have seen treats life like a transitory period. You are a kid? Complete graduation. Graduated? Get a job. Got a job? Go higher and aim for a promotion. What's next? What's next? Goals are essential to have, of course. But oftentimes it leads us to procrastinate living life the way we want to till said goal is reached. If you are in college, seeing the time period between college and getting a job as something you have to 'go through' till you can finally be happy. But this never ends. You just keep postponing your happiness. Living in the future, when all you can see, touch and feel is the present. Life is what you live right now. Not where you will be in ten years or twenty. Stop running away from life in the pursuit of an imaginary future. The significance of your life must not be placed upon a particular career or status. Those, I believe are just foundations to keep you afloat. Life is less about wasting time caring what other think of your choices and more about travelling and exploring the world you were born into. To meet many and all kinds of people. Be kind, compassionate, open and listen to them and their stories. How do they see the world? What have they seen? Their cultures, their creations, their aspirations. This world is filled with interesting people, places, dishes, and unheard histories. Untold legends locked away in time are told to those who listen. And you don't need to go halfway across the world for this. Taking a public transport and making conversations with random people you find interesting will open your eyes to how many diverse experiences you will get hear from people who live in the same city. Kind of like scuba diving, you just need to get out of your head and dive head-first into life. After all the greatest legacy to leave is a life well lived.

[brushpenpoems]

Rainbows, Rainforests and... You

"You are like the embodiment of a rainforest, of trees." " You are so beautiful and bright like sunshine and rainbows"... I remind my friends of these things and I mean them too. But if I die tomorrow and think of the people I love, I won't see them as the the things I compared them with. I would see them as no one and nothing other than as themselves. Yes rainforests are one of the most peaceful and beautiful things I've ever seen but you- on your own- are... you. That's it. You are not like the rainbow or sunshine. You are Parvathy, you are Sandhya, You are Achu, you are Mahika, you are Ayurdha. You all are alone so precious. Not better or worse, like how the snow is not better or worse than lakes, but god the way you realise how the world would be incomplete without their beauty. I compare you to mountains and oceans because there's no other way you'd know what I'm trying to say. You won't see how just your existence makes me more grateful than everything that i have resented in my entire life combined. How adorable you are just walking with your head down, counting stones with your straight, jet black hair perfectly swinging over your face. How much I love your too-weird fantasy story about york new city you wrote in the story writing competition. How much I love the care and love you put in the purple themed painting you made for me and how I still so often sit in the living room with the dim light on just to stare at it. How I know you act nonchalant but have such a beautiful, feeling heart beating behind your ribs. How you always laugh so much I wonder if your cheeks hurt. You are the biggest compliment I wanna give you. You are the greatest thing you could ever be. And I know it's petty but I'm glad I might be the only one to see you like this, you are not the amazon rainforest for the world to know and see, you are my own wonder, all mine. But it also churns my heart to know that, you don't see yourself like this because I wish I had you by my side to witness this like I send you those poems so that you could see how beautiful they are too. So what I meant to say was, you are the greatest thing you could ever be. You are the biggest compliment I could ever give you. You, just as you are, are the most beautiful thing I could ever love.

[brushpenpoems]

February 3, 2024 7:43 PM

There are not many days left till the boards. And I should be studying how alcohols can be converted to carboxylic acids right now. But I get struck by feelings of adoration every two seconds. Like there are people in my life so lovely. Just so damn lovely. I was thinking about that throughout the day. Not continously but often enough. I don’t feel it in my heart though. Images of a view overlooking a garden. Not just any garden. Not just a regular image. It’s so BRIGHT. But not in a way you can’t see anything but in way that everything is so clear that it’s supposed to jelly but no it’s FRESH GREENERY. It’s GLEAMING. Yeah there it is that word. gleaming. and that scene is like the embodiment of the people I love. SO bright so vibrant so fresh so adorable so fulfilling. That’s another accurate word. Fulfilling. So LOVELY and GLEAMING and FULFILLING. AND THEY DON’T SEE IT?!

Now I’ve realised that I don’t feel love in my heart, i mean i do but not only there but everywhere. It’s there in the air that surrounds me. It’s there in purple, my friend’s favorite color; It’s their in 7— her favorite number; It’s in greenery and trees, something another friend loves; It’s in butterscotch icecream, in video games, in malayalam books, in trendy haircuts and clothes, in ramen and tteobokki, in answering questions of seniors in exams, in laying your head on your friend’s shoulder, in filling cold water water in our bottles from an official building where we’re probably not supposed to be, in skipping classes, in talking in wierd accents, in rainbows and the color green, in biting your friend’s shoulder, in- it’s as infinite as are stars in the sky. And most of these are not even the things I do or like. 7 is not not my fav number it but I think of Sandhya everytime I see it. Hell I’m lactose intolerant and allergic to many icecreams but I have a special liking towards butterscotch even though i can’t eat it because in 5th grade we decided Mahika was butterscotch icecream and i was chocolate, i think video games are mind numbingly boring but when I see it I think of her. I used to hate bright colors but when I saw Achu loving rainbows and especially the color green and painting her heart out with rainbow ink I fell in love with it. I don’t get trendy haircuts but Ayurdha does and loves it so whenever I see a short trendy haircut I wonder if she’ll like it. Reading malayalam books makes me fall asleep in seconds but my mom loves it so when I see something of the like I wonder if my mom knows about it. Parvathy told how she’d love to answer a senior’s doubt in an exam and she did and was so happy. She loves drinking cold water from the dispenser in front of the pink building even though we’re most prolly not supposed to go there but go in anyways. she feels loved and loving when her friends lay their head on her shoulder, I don’t feel that but I do it because I know she’ll feel loved. me, sandhya, parvathy, mahika, and latha talk in wierd accents with each other and it feels like the best language we’ve spoken. I know all these things and so much more that they love and adore and they’re so lovely you’re so lovely and I love you

I wish I could melt into this more till I dissipate and become nothing but everything that I love at the same time. But time holds me by my shoulders with a wise and knowing demeanor and tells me to tuck away these phosphenes of thoughts because it’s 9:10pm, boards are nearing and I’ve got to figure out what catalysts are.

-Alcohols and Catalysts [from the archive of words that crawled into my bloodstream from every beat of my heart and seeped its way out the pores of my palms]