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[bswanderings]

Fittonia verschaffeltii

The title is the Latin name of my new favorite plant, commonly called a “Pink Nerve Plant.” I’ve been mentally writing this for weeks. I still don’t have a good segway, but f-it…

I remember being told my kidneys were failing. I was 14. It’s one of the few appointments that I remember clear as day: kidneys failing, experimental chemo pills, no chance of having kids, likely wont live to see high…

[bswanderings]

Living on Nerve Ends

Every year in May – July social media memories remind me of the 2014 World Cup. I watched most of it from a hospital bed in St. Louis. I was being treated for a nerve condition called Trigeminal Neuralgia.

“Trigeminal neuralgia is a chronic pain condition that affects the trigeminal nerve, which carries sensation from your face to your brain. If you have trigeminal neuralgia, even mild…

[bswanderings]

Christmas Lights

This post may be triggering. I’m going to be super blunt about some hard shit. I’m not sorry. Writing has always been a part of my healing process. I really need some healing.

  When I started this blog something like 8 years ago, I drew up a timeline. I tried to note events that had impact on my lift; both positive and negative. I highlighted things that pertained to Lupus, which ended up being…

[bswanderings]

If I ever leave this world alive

If I ever leave this world alive

I’ve always had a hard time sharing. I was kicked out of Girl Scouts because I bit a girl who wanted to use a red crayon. As I grew up sharing “things” became easier. You can use my crayon now, borrow my car, wear my hoodie when you get cold. What’s mine is yours. Easy. Just don’t ask me to share my feeling, my dreams, myself.

I realize that by your reading this, I am contradicting myself. You’ll…

[bswanderings]

Dream Roll ‘18 memories

I found these notes in my journal. It’s not a complete or edited piece, but I wanted to share it.

…

I’m in a truck headed to La Pine, Oregon with 3 of the best women I know. And we’re hauling our 4 Harleys. Dream Roll.

…

The scenery has been amazing; the foothills of the Rockies blend into red rocks and golden fields in Wyoming. The sun is setting in front of us casting a warm haze on the fall…

[bswanderings]

I’ve been running from it all my lifetime

I’ve been running from it all my lifetime

I was sorting through some paperwork today & found a card from a dear friend. Emilee is one of the few people (at least that I am still. in contact with) who knew me before I got sick. She was there through all the early stages of my illness, diagnosis and treatment. She helped me develop the strength that kept me alive. Emilee and I haven’t been in constant contact, far from it. Likely twenty…

[bswanderings]

I’m Bad

About a week ago Wednesday, as I was falling asleep next to an amazing man, I mumbled *I’m really very happy with my life right now.* I drifted off trying to recall the last time I had genuinely felt completely happy. I couldn’t think of a time. Sure I had glimpses of happiness, but it was always tarnished by … life. Queue the list of woes: house fires, impending moves, wrong relationships, wrong…

[bswanderings]

With a Little Help from my Friends

Last week I had my first therapy session. A week later, I am still reeling. It was an intro session, so I expected light get to know you questions. That’s not what happened. Because of my insurance, I needed to walk out the door that day with a solid diagnosis. An hour and a half of me talking about why I want to try EMDR therapy. The therapist was great. Easy to talk to. I could see compassion…

[bswanderings]

Beautiful People

I’m not really into strangers talking to me. I save conversation for the select few people I let in. Occasionally though, people just *get it.*  I’m trail skating. Right now, skates on my feet, sweat in my eyes I paused on a bench to reflect on such an interaction… (I’ll edit later, so if you read this beforehand- I’m sorry. Sweaty iPhone trail skate posts are not ideal) I had just climbed a…

[bswanderings]

Batter Up

I recently had a little run in with cancer. For me it was never super serious. Totally treatable. Never life threatening. Funny even- just one more thing in the long list of curveballs life throws at me. I made a couple posts to the social media with that very tone, mostly to keep my family and friends informed without having to repeat myself. The fact is, the people in my life who care the most…

[bswanderings]

Every Star is a Setting Sun

Every Star is a Setting Sun

I’ve had several self-actualizing, in-your-face, out-of-the-blue conversations over the last few weeks. You know the ones; they make you re-evaluate everything. I am/was (am working through) a period of zero self-confidence, depleted emotional energy, negative thinking, bruised self image- total uncertainty. Basically- I feel a hot mess. No job, no desire to get another shit job. Fear that going…

[bswanderings]

I'll always have you

I’ll always have you

My buddy Dave is an amazing photographer. He started this beautiful project: Rocky Mountain Tattoos. Since 2014, Dave has been photographing “the wide variety of artwork found on the skin of the amazing and diverse group of roller derby athlets” from the Rocky Mountain Roller Girls. Click the link above to see his work and more about the project. I was honored when he asked me to *participate. …

[bswanderings]

What you are or what you're meant to be

What you are or what you’re meant to be

“We all have chapters we don’t read aloud.” I saw that somewhere the other day. Instagram, likely. That’s my jam. Anyway, it got me thinking about this blog. I’ll tell almost any truth here. It’s all on the table for you. My story & my soul. But I haven’t been writing. Then today during a training session at work, a string of memories was triggered. Things that have been buried since long before…

[bswanderings]

Heads or Tails

There are few days in the year that leave me with a crazy mix of emotions. One of those days is Mother’s Day. On one side of the coin I want to celebrate my mother, motherly figures, and friends who are mothers. On the other side I am left with feelings of loss, emptiness & inadequacy. It’s the kind of day that makes you want to hide under the covers, avoid all human or social media contact and…

[bswanderings]

ColoRADo Bluebird Skies

I remember the day I decided to move to Colorado. It wasn’t the first time I was offered a place to land, wasn’t the second either. I couldn’t go for a boy, I couldn’t go because it was a way out, even though at times I wanted it to be both. I needed it to be about the mountain air. About putting the wolf to sleep. About living a new dream. I remember the day I left St Louis. Hiking with…

[bswanderings]

Butterscotch Candy

I love the drive from Fort Collins to Boulder. Mountains growing taller as the miles pass, ponds currently covered in ice, snowy open spaces-beautiful. Last week, while on my return trip, I passed a dialysis clinic (I will typically drive out of my way to avoid passing them. It’s like Pavlov’s dogs, I see a clinic and instantly get dizzy, nauseous and depressed). I’m not even sure it was a…

[bswanderings]

November Blue: thanksgiving

I’m sitting at the airport, 4 hours early for my flight to Chicago. Headed to a big family gathering, typical for most families, but not for ours. The Thanksgiving of my childhood meant pinecones, long hikes, trout and penny candy. Camping in Cooks Forrest PA, along the Appalachian trail. (Odd coincidence that I’m carrying a book about the Application. Studying up for an adventure that was likely…