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breakdown!! pt. 2

Why do I feel like I’m always the one doing this to myself, I’m always put down but when people ask why I don’t have a valid reason? Well, it is true that humans can ruin themselves, we control our beliefs and how we feel about certain things, and a big part of it is emotionally and mentally. I feel like I feed off attention from feeling depressed, I go to the people I like the most and tell them how I feel, and these feelings are always 99.9% me just feeling like shit. Until at some point these people will get so sick of me that they stop talking to me. I hide my feelings because of that cycle, the cycle of people leaving you because of how much negativity is on your mind. I wonder if the friends I have now, like my actual friends that I love and trust would leave me like how my previous friends did. I grew up being alone, I grew up without or neither with fake friends my whole life and suddenly when I moved out I completely changed, I changed from being happy and alone to depressed even when I am not alone, even when there are people there for me to help me out. It honestly confuses me, how was I happy and alone back then? Overthinking also takes part in mental health; if you overthink anything it could potentially ruin your thought, which is sadly true. Yeah, I know life sucks, life is unfair but you just have to deal with it but when is it going to get any better? When? You said it will get better, you said they will forget about it, you said he will love me one day, you said I will be happy one day and that I should wait, but when? It feels like forever, no, it actually feels like it will never happen. That I will never get better, that they won’t forget about it, which he will never feel the astounding love I have for him, and that I will never feel happy. Just props to the people out there saying these types of things to their mutual shut the fuck up. Who are you to say these types of things? What if it will never get better? What if it gets even worse?  It doesn’t make people feel better; it makes them feel like shit! If you’re saying these types of things to people, they are not asking for you to say that! They want love and someone to care about them but you’re doing the exact opposite of what they’re looking for at that state of mind. That’s what half of the people I’ve known for my life did. A depressed person won’t feel happy if you tell them these types of things and that’s why you’ve always got to be careful with what you say to people that are feeling emotional because at that stage they’re really sensitive. Sorry if I sounded like a bitch but it’s true! and that’s the end of my breakdown.

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breakdown!! pt. 1

He makes me happy, he texted me every day and wanted to know how I’m going, but now it’s like nothing. Yes I’ve known him for 3 months and that I shouldn’t be sobbing about it but these 3 months felt like decades, we talked everyday so how the fuck do you think I’ll feel like it’s been 3 months. I’m crying about this because why does it have to be like this for me, why me. He just came into my life and suddenly made me slide off all my problems, fuck you if you think this is stupid, if he’s trying to leave me I’ll be in so much pain. We literally just started the friendship; it was going great until he was acting dry. Why you ask? I do not fucking know, at all. The fact that it’s always me sucks, I’m always the one to lose such great, cheerful, amazing people and never develop this friendship with anyone easily because no one has such amazing personalities, they’re all about the drama so of fucking course how am I going to trust them? I even convinced myself that I could trust one of them but they spit it out to him, that I used to like him.  You see, I had to force away these stupid feelings of mine so that I don’t have to deal with losing him, yet I feel like I already am even though I did absolutely fucking nothing. I decided that a friendship is stronger than a relationship, a relationship is basically loving someone and then leaving them then you continue on with life, where a friendship can last longer and you end up carrying these memories around you until eventually it’s all over. Until people started to say that I do like him, even though I do not, anymore. I wish this friendship was a secret, it would be much fucking better but you cannot do that, sadly. But anyways! Back to my breakdown! Today I wanted to walk with him, actually, I want to walk with him every day, but apparently that’s never going to happen hahahahaha. Anyways! I asked him and he said that he’s taking the bus, a shortcut to saying I don’t want to fucking walk with you go find someone else. So I acted cool about it even though I felt like literally dying, because I mean it obvious now, he doesn’t want to talk to me! Yay! So I had to walk with her, I tried not telling her any secrets neither start talking about him, but I did. I kept on rambling almost the whole entire walk about him; she kept on changing topics but again! I still kept on talking about him! I’ve literally lost all interest and friendship in her I don’t even feel like walking with her anymore, I keep on saying to myself, ‘I’ll walk by myself it might be nice’ but when I actually go and do it doesn’t feel nice at all, I feel tired. You see I’m not like any other human because I have all my problems that no one gives a shit about and they’re worthless to the point I feel like I’m going to kill myself, like literally I am on the edge right now. He said I could talk with him about everything that hurts me but I feel like he does not even give a fuck anymore, I’m nothing to him than a mentally ill psychopath, someone who is not important because I mean? He has his friends where I’m here suddenly running after him. Why am I so pathetic?  Why do I have to be like this? What made me act this way? What have I done to myself? These are the questions I ask myself daily. If I only had a clean mind I wouldn’t drift people away like this, you know I would’ve still been friends with that guy from last year if I wasn’t so fucked in the brain. You know, I could’ve accomplished so much these past couple of years if I only cleaned out my mind, if I just only thought about it for a minute, my whole life would’ve changed by now. Also, if you’ve gone that far into my breakdown, why are you reading this? What made you want to read it? I’m just a teenager whom is in high school ranting about a stupid guy. Just please I beg you, if you’re going through what I’m going through right now with friends issues, just drop them. I know it’s hard, I’ve done it before but I believe you could do it. If you only keep them you will suffer like how I am. I know some of you are saying “lmao why don’t you drop him then if you’re giving us this advice!!!! Eks de what a loser guys11!!!!”. I’m still young, I just got into high school and I’m experiencing new things, I also do not want to drop him because he has not done a dick move yet, though if he does I’ll drop him the second he does. I do not know if this makes sense though I hope it does. Thank you for reading my useless, unworthy breakdown and I hope you have a much better day than mine.

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Spring Season Part 1

Characters: Jungkook/Taehyung

Theme: Angst

Word Count:1,193

Summary: How long do I have to wait, and how many sleepless nights do I have to spend to see you? To meet you?

ya’ll I was sobbing while writing this too do you relate

As the phone rings, Tae gets up from the floor with spots of blood.

“Hello?”

“Tae! It’s me! Jungkook! I’ve called you countless times but you never picked up, I was worried. What’s up, dude? How are you feeling now?”

*Taehyung clears his throat* “Ium-I’m good. What about you?” ~lies

“Nah, don’t worry about me all that’s important is you. I’m glad you’re feeling better. So I was wondering if you’d like to meet up so I’m sure that you are alright. Meet me by the lake; it’s a nice weather today so it will be nice if we sit by the lake. See you!”

Jungkook hangs up and Tae sighs

‘He’s always been like that, I can’t blame him he’s worried’

As he starts to change all he thinks about is how Jungkook will react if he disappeared, he’s scared that he will hurt him but he’s desperate, more than desperate. He puts on his blue shirt then on top a black jacket and then a beanie his mother bought for him before she died. He puts on his shoes and opens the door to white snow everywhere, like everywhere.

'Right, he said it’s nice today but the weather is always the same’

Taehyung starts to slowly walk in the snow and as he reaches the lake he sees someone laying in the snow… wait, it’s Jungkook.

“Jungkookie!”

“Wha- Oh Taehyung!”

Jungkook stands up then runs over to Tae, he slowly watches him as he reaches him.

“How can one be happy to see me…?”

Jungkook finally reaches him, Jungkook holds Tae’s arm then folds his sleeves up to cuts and bruises.

“Taehyung!!!! Why????? Tell me. Why are you doing that to yourself again? You broke the promise.”

A tear falls down Jungkook’s cheeks and his eyes start to turn red.

“TELL ME. WHY?”

“What do you want me to say, Jungkook? I have a problem, is it? I’ve already said that too many times for it to get through your skull”

Jungkook starts to sob, his face is cherry red, his eyes are bloodshot, there are too many tears but Tae is just standing there, doing nothing but looking forward into the distance. What a cold hearted brat.

Suddenly out of nowhere

“Jungkook-hyung… I have something to say. I don’t want to hurt you but you have to leave, you have to leave me. I am a sadist who has ruined many people’s lives. I want you to leave. Leave Jungkook. Take care of yourself. Forget about me. I’m only sa-“

“Tae, listen up. I am NOT leaving you, no matter what happens I will always be beside you. I know who you really are. You used to be that person who always laughed and cheered people up, now you’re suffering but I’m still by your side, I am still with you. I’ve known you long enough to call you my soul mate. Taehyung, I am not leaving you”

'Does he not fucking understand’

Next day Tae wakes up with a bottle of vodka next to him on the bed, blades and blood stains on the bed, like a lot.

As Tae takes the bottle and opens it there’s someone calling, he didn’t care, he acted like he never heard it and started to drink straight out of the bottle.

'I’m such a loser, the poor thing’s wasting his time on a loser like me, how pathetic can I get’

After a couple of hours Jungkook stopped ringing him for 30mins but after, Tae can hear a knock on the door.

'Oh my god there’s something called privacy’

Taehyung slowly gets himself out of bed to his door, His door has scratches all over it, all of his walls are broken and clothes are everywhere and he smells.

“Tae!! I rang you like over 70 times but you didn’t bother to pick up! Anyways, I’m here to make sure that you’re alright but it doesn’t look like it. Can I come in?”

“Uhh sure”

As Jungkook steps into his apartment, he starts to look around the room.

“Dude you need a cleanup, I can help you with that if you don’t mind. I can also buy you brand new clothes you smell”

“Thanks”

“Hah, so I’ve got something to show you”

Jungkook takes something out of his pocket and holds tight on it, it looks like a necklace. Oh wait, it is.

“Here have it, do you remember this?”

Jungkook gives the necklace to Tae and he starts to stare at it. This necklace is just not any normal necklace you see, it’s special. It’s not only one necklace, it’s two. It’s a heart halved for two people and when the two necklaces find each other, it turns bright red which is more like a friendship necklace. When Jungkook and Tae were only 12 they used to wear this necklace everywhere.

“Do you? Tae?”

Tae doesn’t remember the necklace but he responded with an “Um I do”

Jungkook has a feeling he doesn’t, he knows he doesn’t but Jungkook is that type of person to put a fake smile on the outside even if he’s dying on the inside, it’s painful but Jungkook is used to it so he puts one of these masks on.

“O-okay good. So I was wondering if you’d like to go out for some kimchi, I’ll pay for everything”

Tae looks disinterested which hurts Jungkook but he still has this mask on.

“Actually, I’m not in the mood Jungkook, sorry um maybe another day I’d just like to say home”

“Bu-I’m-what i-ta- Okay… As you wish Tae. I may as well go home for some rest too. Take care, I love you. Just remember, if you hurt yourself you’re also hurting me too. Take care is all I ask for. Have a good day!”

“Goodbye”

As Jungkook walks out of the door tears start falling down his cheeks, he wishes he could do better but nothing, literally nothing works. Jungkook wishes he could go back to his childhood again when Tae was smiley and happy. He just wishes Tae would come back to his old personality.

Tae closes the door and slowly walks to his room in tears, he throws himself on the bed and starts screaming in his pillow with tears, he wishes it would all end too, he wishes he disappears with no sign. Tae starts to look up at the ceiling to think of how to end all of this.

“Maybe I can just, jump”

Tae walks out of his apartment and climbs the stairs to the top of the apartment complex.

“This is how it’s all going to end. Jungkook, I’m sorry”

“TAEHYUNG!”

Tae looks behind him, small Jungkook is bawling his eyes out but, Tae doesn’t care.

“TAEHYUNG! DONT PLEASE”

“Jungkook, I am sorry, I love you. Please take care of yourself that’s a wish from me. Goodbye”

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YA'LL IM WRITING A VKOOK FF RN AND IT'S SO SAD BUT GET READY!

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I miss you, you know it all, you’re my bestfriend

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that face he makes

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You know it all, you’re my best friend Mornings will come back Because no darkness, no season Can be forever - 봄날 (Spring Day) by BTS

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hoseok’s birthday countdown: d-3

his love for bangtan

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Black Out

Theme: Angst/Smut

Characters: Yoongi/Y/n/Namjoon/Jimin/Jin

Summary: You’re an 18-year-old in high school. This is your last year in high school and your boyfriend just broke up with you but later on, you find your true lover.

Word count: 1,394

Ya’ll sorry im like writing this on 2 AM so if it sucks you know why lol. Idk if there’s going to be a second chapter I’m just too lazy but ill figure it out I promise. Hope you enjoy!!

It’s like every typical 18-year-old Friday night, going down to the bar to grab a drink to relief stress. You usually don’t like staying home at night because your mom and dad would always be fucking while you’re trying to have a quiet time with yourself and drink.

Your life has been upside down ever since you started high school and you just want it to end. Yes, some people have told you that high school is one of their greatest experiences and that you should have fun while it lasts but you didn’t believe that. You have been failing high school and your grades have turned into E’s and D’s. You’re hopeless believing you’re not going to get a job other than wiping the bathroom floors and cleaning the toilets at restaurants and you’re going to end up being homeless.

“Damn Y/N you don’t seem like you’re having much of a good week huh?    “Oh, I’m sick I felt like having a drink so yeah” and by sick, you meant tired and not in a good mood, you feel sloppy and sleepy but you cannot sleep in the bar because you have assignments due but you never did them while you had time. “C’mon on Y/N he’s just a fucking jerk he doesn’t deserve you, you deserve better!!” he said furiously. “What? Who? Oh, well I loved him and he betrayed me for another slut but I wonder why. I mean he must’ve cheated on me for a reason right Yoongi?           "Just don’t think about him anymore. He’s a stupid dumbass who couldn’t realize what he had until he lost it. C'mon cheer up, forget about him he’s not worth the time just have a drink and forget.”

As you drink you think about Yoongi’s words and try to understand them. Is he telling you to forget about Jimin because he wants you? Does he love you? As you keep trying to understand while taking another cup of vodka you find out he might actually love you! You’re internally excited and you keep thinking about it.        “Earth to Y/N are you day dreaming?” As Yoongi keeps waving and clicking his hands to your face you finally stop thinking. “Y-yes I’m here sorry.” Yoongi laughs it off and asks if you want to come over to his place and you agree. “Is he trying to go through my pants? Omg yes it’s finally the time were going to fuck.” you keep thinking to yourself while you and he walk to his place, you know he was fully aware that he was going to get drunk so he didn’t bring his car. You and he are walking, it’s awkward and quiet and you don’t know what to say.

“So, how have you been going Yoongi?”                                                                            

     “Not very good lately, my grades have been dropping a ton and I’ve been studying my hardest but my father won’t help with the school supplies and I bas-” before he finishes the sentence you put your hand on his shoulder and say “I can help you with that Yoongi, we’ve been friends since elementary school and I don’t like seeing you hurt. I’ll pay for your school essentials”.

     He goes speechless for 10 seconds and thanks you.

          “I’m helping someone who wants to succeed in school but not helping myself, how pathetic of myself”

By the time you and Yoongi reached his place you get inside to get warm because the winter is very harsh in Seoul. As you take a step inside you start to scan his place slowly “Damn he’s got a really nice house… Unlike mine” you think to yourself and imagine you and him fucking against the wall. “Yo, by the way, my parents Namjoon and Jin aren’t home they’re on a world tour at the moment and they’re in Japan so we can do whatever we want!” As he says that your heart pounds to how close both of you will end up sleeping in bed.

      “Sooo… What do you want to do Y/N?” he says with the cutest smile. “I’d just like to have a warm cup coffee thank you!” the both of you start jumping in excitement, you don’t know what that means but it didn’t matter.

         “You have one hell of a nice place damn.” You stand next to Yoongi and one again scan his place.

               “Can I see your room!” you smile and jump. “SURE! WHY NOT!!” right after he finishes his sentence he runs upstairs to his room and you run after him as well.

    As you enter his room you look around and think “His room is amazing, how can one have such a big and nice room” and you look around he closes the door and locks it then holds your ass from behind.

         “Do you wanna?” you slightly moan and say “Let’s do it baby” as he squeezes your ass you take off your jacket and shirt, you didn’t wear your bra because it’s uncomfortable so it was a lot quicker. “Holy shit these are some big tits” you laugh it off and he starts to squeeze and suck on them. You take off your pants and underwear then lay in bed. “I will suck you dry,” you say in a sexy tone while he unzips his pants and takes them off. “Babe you’re making me hard” you start to rub his dick in his boxers then decide to take them off and deep throat it until you choke.

  “Okay are you ready for the next level Y/N?” he says while taking his dick out of your mouth.

         “HI'm always ready” he holds you then flips you around and starts to put it in and your mouth falls wide open and you moan loudly.

                      “You’re so tight baby” he moves in and out really roughly and you’re on the edge of screaming. “YEAH BABY FUCK ME HARDER DADDY” as you said that you feel something liquid inside of you and it feels good. “I-I just accidentally cummed” you laugh loud and he takes his dick out of you.

       As both of you clean up and the next morning you wake up alone in bed and look for Yoongi around the room, you decide to go out of the room to look for him and you find him making breakfast in the kitchen.” Oh! Y/N you're awake! Good morning honey. I made you breakfast. Here have it, some eggs and bacon on toasted toast. Oh also! I’ll be back in a minute.”

You slowly start eating and realize how well made the bacon and the eggs are. Really fast, Yoongi runs up to his room and takes something out of his drawer that looks well decorated and nicely wrapped then he hides it behind his back and runs back to downstairs. “Thanks for the breakfast Yoongi! It’s really well made and I loved it! You say with a smile. “I’m glad you liked it. Oh! Also, I have something to say to you Y/N. I’ve been having feelings for you since middle school Y/N, I didn’t do that because I’m horny or that I’m trying to hurt you, I did that because I love you. You’ve been by my side since year 5 in elementary school and I owe you something, you have done your best to cheer me up and help me with stuff that I could not do myself, I was hopeless until I found you. So I’m asking you Y/N, will you marry me?” he takes out the ring and your heart starts pounding and you started sobbing, it feels like your about to explode. Your speechless, you hug him and say yes. You didn’t expect a proposal you thought it might be something as simple as asking you out but that was one hell of a surprise.

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Hello KittYoongi ~ =＾● ⋏ ●＾=

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You know. I will take some time to go deep right now. In the hope that people who need to see this, will. You can skip this if you don’t feel like reading it tho. It’s up to you.

I personally am at the very young age of 20 (21 soon), people often say “You are young, you haven’t seen a lot of life yet. You don’t know nothing about it”. Well I have to disagree with that. Although I am only 20, I have to say that I have seen quite a lot of life.

You know I spend a long time in utter darkness. Blinded by it, not being able to see further than my nose. At the age of 12, I didn’t see myself finish secondary school. I saw no future at all. I just loved day by day, without motivation nor reason. By the age of 16 I had to start thinking about which college/university I wanted to go to after I graduated. Since I didn’t see any future, I did not know. I didn’t know what I wanted to do because I simply didn’t imagine myself getting there. However, I somehow managed to get there into uni. In my second year now even.

All this might make you think “yeah whatever that’s nothing”. But the 8 year period from primary school til uni, seemed like a century to me. As I was just living day by day without a reason, sureounded by darkness and sadness. Time was slow, and everything seemed hopeless. Why was I still walking this path of life? Idk…I had to. Why didn’t I just stop? Because I didn’t want to hurt anyone. Almost 9 years have passed by, and I am happy that I didn’t stop walking this path of life. Eventhough there are still frequent moments in my current life that make me slow down again and get consumed by darkness. It got better.

Now why am I saying this. There are some people who can’t see their future or a reason to keep on walking this path of life. Eventhough people tell them “keep on going a smoother path awaits you”, they think it’s hopeless. Now I will say it myself. Keep on walking because a smoother path awaits you and so are good times. It might take a while tho, you might have to walk a couple of kilometers. But don’t stop. Eventhough you’re tired and only see darkness. Don’t stop. Slower your pase, light up a candle and keep going.

You will make it, because you already made it this far.