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The 99 Tragedies of Nikolas E. I. Nolan (Complete)

1.) “You never joke about anything!”

“Last time I made a joke a man’s head exploded.”

“What?”

“It was a sunny day and a large crowd came out to watch a handsome man and his sister in pink drive down the street slowly. The handsome man was smiling at everybody and to keep his good mood I told him a joke. What did the fish say to the deaf man… Exactly! The sister in pink didn’t find it funny, but the handsome man thought it was so good that his head exploded. After that, the car drew away really fast and the crowd went wild, but I felt bad because I didn’t want that handsome man’s head to explode, so I vowed to never make a joke again.”

2.) Nolan was walking down the street when he saw a person that looked like one of those people he went to school with. They locked eyes and as the inevitable passing by of each other happened Nolan and the man looked at each other closely. Nolan wanted to say something, but failed to and continued walking while tormenting himself for failing another interaction. The man continued walking, thinking where he could have seen this strange fellow before, and then a sudden flash of his father’s face came to his mind, making all the good memories of his now passed pa come back. The man was happy for the rest of his walk.

3.) Nolan’s father used to tell Nolan stories about cowboys. Nolan always felt a little sad for his father who could never become a cowboy because he spent all day milking.

4.) Nolan was asked to complete a survey for a company that seemed to want to get a new logo. The options were a donkey and an elephant. Nolan thought the design of the elephant was better so he chose that.

5.) Nolan watched a dog be put to sleep today. He sang a lullaby.

6.) “No I can not tell you a joke. I am sorry. Please just leave!”

“Not even a yo mama joke?”

“What are those?”

“Well… look I tell you one. Sorry teach but I couldn’t do my homework, because I was doing Nolan’s mom! BAAAM!!!”

7.) Nolan always liked to walk around alone. However, his fun was always ruined when a police officer escorted him back to his mother. Fortunately, Nolan’s mother was always nice and she always encouraged him to do the things he liked to do.

8.) Nolan wasn’t bullied in school anymore. He felt unwanted now because all the big bullies bullied the kids who got bullied big. They never noticed him.

9.) The weather report said that there will be a heatwave today so Nolan gave triple the usual amount of water to his favourite plant, but the weather report was wrong and it decided to rain heavily that day which made the plant die. However, when Nolan got back he saw that his favourite pot had finally been cleaned.

10.) An old man told Nolan that “Life will go on with or without you.” which made Nolan happy because he felt it would be quite inconvenient for everybody if he ended the world.

11.) Today Nolan did an IQ test and he was happy to see he got his favourite number as a result.

12.) Today Nolan’s family decorated a tree with balls. Nolan decided to decorate the floor with the balls.

13.) “Recount the votes. They can NOT win with only one more vote!” shouted the man with long hair who claimed to be the bringer of peace. “You are stopping the Age of Aquarius, you monsters!”

This made Nolan wonder what was the difference between monsters and animals. Nolan ended up asking the man with long hair who claimed to be the bringer of peace.

“If you keep asking me these stupid questions I will stab you to death with a dandelion!” Answered the man with long hair who claimed to be the bringer of peace.

14.) “Why would a fish want to talk to a deaf man?” asked the man in the comically large tophat. Then his head exploded. Nolan realized the mistake he made and learned from this experience.

15.) Nolan had to pay 9 more coins for butter today. He then realized this made his purse so much easier to carry and hopped all the way home with his weightless pants.

16.) Nolan was talking to this black guy who had a way of talking.

“But really how can one express these feelings only in a few minutes.”

Nolan was confused about the matter.

“What is love?” Nolan asked.

The man burst up with energy and started writing something. Nolan felt sad for not being able to help.

17.) Nolan saw a child today with really blond hair and blue eyes. The child came up to Nolan and said “Hide this!” and handed him a doll. Nolan then went home and forgot he had the doll with him. He knew he can never give it back now and that made him sad.

18.) Nolan met himself today and did not like what he saw.

19.) It always annoyed Nolan when people repeated unnecessary things and then skipped over important stuff.

19.) Nolan was annoyed today.

21.) Today Nolan was told off for missing a day at work and got fired. He wasn’t sad about this because he couldn’t really understand why more work-free days were a punishment.

22.) Nolan’s bank told him today that they have collapsed because of the recent economic crisis, but Nolan was happy because now all the sad and grumpy bank workers had work-free days too.

23.) “Schützen Sie irgendwelche Juden?”

“What?”

“Ist das Englisch!? Du bist ein Spion gegen den Führer!”

“Hey stop touching me, please!”

“Sie sind wegen Spionage des Dritten Reiches verhaftet!”

24.) Nolan was relentlessly tortured by Nazies but he didn’t know it was Nazies so he felt happy that the big bullies noticed him again.

25.) Nolan decided to not use THE MACHINE ever again. He instead made it into a pot for his favourite plant but felt bad for the plant because the new pot was dirty.

26.) Nolan saw a picture of sunflowers in a yellow vase being burned in a dumpster today. It was a cold day for sure.

27.) Nolan was walking around the city with the doll trying to find the bond child with blue eyes. Unfortunately, he left the doll at the restaurant he was eating at and he saw a man with blond hair and blue eyes take it. They both cried.

28.) Nolan decided to go on a walk today. On the way to the shop, he saw people parading and dressing up in costumes. He met his friend Eduardo.

“Hello, Eduardo!” Nolan said the way Nolan usually says hello to Eduardo.

Eduardo was an interesting guy. He seemed to care an awful lot about things Nolan could not understand.

“What a shit day to you too!”

This was Eduardo’s usual way of greeting people.

“Seems people are quite active today, did I miss something in my calendar?”

Eduardo knew the way Nolan saw the world. His childish perspectives on current events always entertained Eduardo and gave him a spec of hope in between the news articles he is constantly bombarded with. Nolan was the break from the world Eduardo needed every now and then to keep himself sane.

“Well let’s just say this is not the Mardi Gras.”

“Aww… I was getting excited about nothing then.”

29.) Bill was waiting at the bus station. He went asleep for a few minutes so he missed his early bus, which mean an extra 20 minutes needed to be wasted away before he could get home. Nolan saw the tired Bill sitting there by himself and decided to sit next to him.

“Hello.” said Nolan cheerfully.

“...Hi..?” answered Bill in a confused manner. Not too confused though because he was still way too tired to get really confused.

“You seem tired. You should sleep more!”

“Ah,” Bill chuckled “ in my work, sleep is considered the coffee for the weak.”

“What are you doing?”

“Waiting for the 252.”

“No, I mean like generally.”

“Oh, Security Testing. I am actively trying to put myself out of a job and seem to be good at it considering it has been a while since I got paid right.”

“It sounds interesting!”

“It really isn’t.”

“I don’t do much with my time. Just wonder about.”

“I wish I could do that sometimes,” said Bill in a sarcastic tone. He had that kind of personality to make sarcastic remarks feel natural. Practice makes the master after all.

“You can.”

“No.”

“Are you a slave?”

This gave Bill quite a shock. He was black, so the confusion was almost justified, but he was never politely asked if he was a slave or not. He couldn’t quite say it was racism because it didn’t feel like that, but it also somewhat fit the criteria to be racist.

“... No.”

“Oh no I said something stupid again didn’t I?”

Nolan felt really bad and wanted to bury himself in the concrete pavement or become the curb and get splashed on by busses all day so he could understand not to do this. But Bill was interested now. He wanted to learn more about the strange guy who he just stumbled across.

“Hey isn’t that your bus? Go catch it!”

But Bill didn’t budge.

“Who are you?” asked Bill from Nolan who was feeling worse and worse from making Bill miss another bus.

30.) Nolan saw a poster that showed a bunch of men wearing bicycle helmets. He thought this was a very funny picture.

31.) Nolan tried to kill a fly today. He was trying to hit it with a rolled-up newspaper but missed. Then missed again. Then missed AGAIN. Then Nolan hit his mother with full power.

32.) Nolan decided to go on a walk today. As he walked past a flower shop a pretty girl with red hair bumped into Nolan. She nearly fell, but Nolan caught her while knocking over the flowers. They both looked into each other’s eyes while covered in roses. Then Nolan realized touching a woman without consent is wrong so he dropped her.

33.) Nolan smoked a cigarette today for the first time. As he inhaled the smoke, his body felt the strange gas go through his entire body, from throat to lung to back to the throat and finally out. As if something finally scratched an itch he never knew he had. Letting the little white tube in his hand, filled with devil grass slowly disintegrate he watched as the sparkles of fire burned the paper away in a slow, methodical fashion. Nolan hoped this will help her mother connect to him. It did because her mother was happy.

34.) Today Nolan learned that notebooks are made of notes in a book. He never looked at butterflies the same way again.

35.) Nolan got a letter today. It said it was a draft so Nolan threw it away because he wanted to read the complete version. He never got the complete version.

36.) “Hello.”

“Welcome back to GoodMart”

“Did the butter get changed?”

“Yeah… you know due to recent events many companies have stopped shipping to our stores.”

“Finally, I can try some other kind of butter!”

37.) Nolan self-reflected today. Looking at his past he felt the existence of both pain and joy.

The decision was his to decide how he shall use those experiences and move forward to an undetermined future. He looked at his mother and chose.

38.) “What a shit day to you too!”

“Why, it’s sunny?”

“Yeah… knowing what has been going on I wouldn’t be surprised if one day it wasn’t the sun that shined across the sky.”

Nolan then explained what the moon is to Eduardo.

39.) “Ah good to see you again!” said Bill with a bit of enthusiasm in his voice that he had to conjure up from somewhere very deep and cold… and lonely.

“Hello there!”

“What has become of the world heh?”

“Oh no, the trees do that every winter. It's sunny today though, which is nice!”

Bill rolled his eyes at that comment. It wasn’t a sarcastic eye roll, more like the kind that you do when you can not quite believe what you have just heard.

“I wasn’t talking about the weather or the season.”

“Sorry, I can be such a stupid man someti-”

“Stupidity is gender neutral.” Cut in Bill with a dry tone in his voice that showed how many times this statement had to be repeated.

“Yeah… okay.” Answered Nolan who was confused about what did he mess up this time. He was usually confused when he messed up something so this did not phase him as much, but he is still perplexed now and then about what he can mess up.

They both sat at the bus station silently. Nolan decided to break the silence.

“You don’t look happy? Anything happened?”

“A person's face is naturally down, so it is very annoying to hear from people why you don’t smile. Like this is my neutral face, sorry it doesn’t make you feel good, if it helps neither does me. No, by the way, nothing really happened. Just, you know. Life.” Bill said that last word with a little chuckle as if saying, life was bad, was funny somehow. This broke Nolan and he felt that he had enough of people like these.

“I just can’t keep listening to you, people. Always gloomy and sad about, what? I see nothing wrong yet you keep making me feel like the world is awful! I don’t know much, but even I know that you won’t bring me joy.” Nolan blasted off from the bus station and decided to walk today because it was sunny. He did not make a new friend today.

40.) Nolan was walking on a crossroad when his ice cream fell on the ground. He wished he had a time machine so he could go back and prevent this tragedy.

41.) A pigeon with interesting blue feathers on its neck started eating the ice cream Nolan dropped at the crossroads. The scene filled Nolan’s heart with love. Then the pigeon with interesting blue feathers on its neck got hit by a truck and Nolan didn’t really know how to feel about that. He wished he had a time machine so he could go back and prevent this tragedy.

42.) Nolan was sitting on the bus today. He saw the pretty girl with red hair had an empty seat next to her.

“Hi!” The pretty girl with red hair said to Nolan with cheerful positivity in her voice.

“Hello.” answered Nolan.

They both sat silently next to each other as the rain poured down on the bus windows. The pretty girl with red hair slowly fell asleep on his shoulder. They both sat there in silence and both of them missed their stops.

43.) People were cheering on the streets. Nolan didn’t know why they were cheering but decided to join in and shouted “I got those guys here!” When asked why he was cheering, people decided to boo him and kicked him in the stomach. They said something like “You didn’t earn to be happy about this! Your vote got us here in the first place scum!” Nolan walked to the hospital where they rolled their eyes at him. He was bleeding a lot and felt like he was seeing the light. Nobody helped Nolan and he could not understand why? Did he ever do something wrong? What was it? Could he apologise?

44.) “I can’t believe it.”

“Hi, Eduardo!”

“They got away with it. They really just did all of that and got away with it.”

Nolan looked at the newspaper Eduardo was reading.

“Hey, my old butter is back!”

45.) Nolan lost his purse today. His pants were even lighter now.

46.) Nolan’s mother always pushed Nolan. Nolan tried to appreciate that.

47.) Nolan went out to his balcony. He looked down at the people as he was lighting his cigarette. There were days when Nolan was also just done with things. Today was one of those days. When you have to make up reasons that other people like to say, just to keep going… Nolan looked down again. Just looked.

48.) Nolan decided to take a walk today. As he was slowly swaying through the park as the autumn leaves were falling from the trees, covering the crass in that seasonal orange blanket, Nolan was hit in the head with a pineapple and got knocked out instantly. He got to take the pineapple home and made a wonderful dessert out of it, even though he kept losing his vision.

49.) Nolan remembered a story his mother used to tell him when he could not fall asleep. It was about a princess who didn’t wanna become a queen and an evil queen who wanted to keep the royal family going. The queen wasn’t the real mother of the princess. She died in childbirth of a brother the princess never got the chance to see. The queen was a mean old woman who married the princess’ gullible father who never had to think for himself. That kind of personality comes with royalty. The princess also had a grandma who supported the princess in her decision to leave but she got poisoned one day and the princess believes that it was not his father, but the evil queen who accused him in the first place. This drama meant that now it was only the two of them living in the castle together. The queen wanted to have an exemplary princess, but the real princess never wanted any of that. This meant that the queen was forced to use force and threaten the pets, the princess had, with the royal guard. So the princess wore all the dresses, did all the dances, smiled at all the people she had to. The one thing the queen could not get her to do was cut her hair because whenever the royal barber came around the princess would always move her head constantly making the queen's image of “a real queen having short hair” only be a fantasy. She also didn’t want the princess’ pearly skin to be scarred so she always made her pin her hair up really tight, which hurt the princess a lot. The queen was an awful ruler, selfish and arrogant, so an uprising from the people was on the horizon. The revolution was at a boiling point when the queen passed away, leaving her place to be only taken by the princess. Before the queen passed she made sure that all the coronation plans were done. This meant that against the princess’ wishes the coronation was extravagant with golden flowers and great cuisine from all around the world. Important people in expensive dresses are all attending. However, thinking that this is what the new queen wanted was the last straw that the people could take and the raging public outside stormed the castle. The princess, now queen, was crowned and she went out on the balcony to look at the kingdom she had just inherited. She saw the raging public outside. She felt their pain. Their anger. She didn’t want this evil cycle to continue. The new queen looked at the people and gave them what they wanted. She pulled her pin out, letting her long hair fly in the wind and she cut her throat. Her body fell from the balcony right into the masses who then ripped her clothes apart and cut her body in pieces. The End.

50.) “What a shit day to you too! Haven’t seen you in a while…”

“Anything interesting you have read recently?”

“Just the usual. People who can not understand the public, ruling over them.”

“Well, I have read a book.”

“Oh no. Really?”

“Yeah, it was given to me by the bald gentleman.”

“How was the book?”

“Well… I didn’t really understand it. I don’t speak German after all.”

“Nolan… was the book red?”

“Yeah! Did you read it too?”

“Oh boy…”

51.) A child in a red shirt walks up to Nolan.

“Quickly, sir, I need to hide, do you know a good place?”

Nolan thought about this for a second.