bumcheeks94

[bumcheeks94]

“Have you ever wanted to cry, and no tears came out. So you just sit there, quietly, and feel your heart break into tiny pieces while everything crumbles around you.”

~ colorfulbiscuithandsdiplomat

[bumcheeks94]

i have always been too much for someone or not enough. i’m either too loud or not loud enough. i am a walking contradiction. a full glass or an empty one. there is no balance in me. tell me, what made you leave? my devastating fire or my lack of heat?

- l.r // i am never half empty

[bumcheeks94]

only you.

[bumcheeks94]

[bumcheeks94]

Love & Other Drugs (2010)

[bumcheeks94]

Leading on from my last post.

I have missed a lot of facts and things that have happened in my life and I haven’t gone fully into detail with every tiny thing but I’ve just tried to snapshot it all I guess.

The thing is, I had two partners and when I left then I was fine after a week because I knew that they weren’t right. But now after leaving this guy that wasn’t even my boyfriend. I can’t stop thinking about him every day all day. I dream about him. I don’t know how to get out of this funk and it’s annoying.

I went on a date last night, the guy was nice, sweet, cute, funny and we got along. But all I could think about was the other guy and it scares me because I can’t give any new chance a shot fully since this guy won’t leave my fucking head.

I have just today stumbled upon his Grindr profile and my mood instantly changed so now I’m laying in bed with music going thinking about cutting myself again. I don’t know why my mind goes straight there but I just don’t want to feel anything anymore, I’m done with feeling shitty all the time because of him and my work and I can’t deal with things anymore.

I have also had this last week off work to try clear my head of everything and just take a break and knowing that no one would’ve done anything for me I logged on just now to quickly delete the shit emails so it’s not so overwhelming. I was almost in tears because it was too much and I can’t handle.

I love this guy, I love my job but they’re both stressing me out to the point I don’t want to be here anymore, I can’t be bothered feeling or caring or thinking or trying to make sure that EVERYone else is okay before myself.

I feel bad for my GP and psychologist because they always listen to me babble on about my life and I know that’s it’s their job and that’s what they get paid for but I just don’t understand what they’re doing to help me by listening.

I don’t feel like I have a purpose anymore. I always used to think my purpose in life was to help people and make sure they’re okay and happy but I’ve been doing that for 26 years of my life and here I am. Alone, laying in bed. No partner, no life.

I created this page for me only to get out my feelings and I don’t know if it’s working or not because I seem to be just as upset as before.

This process would be a lot fucking easier if I hated this guy but I can’t do that because he’s such a sweet, caring, person who genuinely cares about me and my well-being but I can’t handle not having him in my life but I can’t handle having him in my life. Maybe medication is the answer to help me but how can a tablet help me get over love.. I don’t see how that’s possible. I’ll still be unhappy about this except just a little happier.

Maybe I’ll wanna kill myself less or not cut myself as much.. like what am I supposed to do here.

[bumcheeks94]

Hear it? Carpe. Carpe diem. Seize the day, boys. Make your lives extraordinary. 

Dead Poets Society (1989) dir. Peter Weir

[bumcheeks94]

[bumcheeks94]

So feeling a bit shitty at the moment so though I’d do another post and kick off where I finished.

So yes, i have a lot of self esteem and trust issues because of my ex partner. A lot of people don’t know this or understand this because I’m a young(ish) male who is not unattractive.. I’m not the hottest person in the world but I don’t know how else to paint the picture.

I appear to have a lot of confidence which is why people don’t see the... real me, if that’s what you wish to call it.

Anyway, after I caught my ex wanking to porn and me starting to go down hill from there. We kept spiralling and heading down hill so I started to seek counselling because I thought the reason he didn’t love me or have sex with me was all my fault and I blamed myself for everything. My counsellor told me point blank. “You need to leave him” I didn’t like that the counsellor advises me to do that so I fakes that our problems and my problems had gone away so I didn’t have to see them again.

We eventually lead to breaking up which after being together for two years I was obviously upset which only lasted a few weeks and then I was back to my normal self since the person I am is one to wrap things in a box, chain them and lock them and never open them again so I was over it quick smart.

I then explored the gay scene and have been doing so since we broke up. It’s now been 2.5 years of me being single.

This is the part where things get to where I am today.

I met a boy. He was married, to a woman and they had recently gotten married when we started seeing eachother. The first time we ever met, there was this instant connection I felt - I couldn’t explain what it was but I just wanted more more more. He did lie to me at the start and tell me that he was single, then he later told me he had a gf then we went for lunch during work hours and he told me he was recently married. I was clearly a bit shocked and I wa snore upset as to the fact that he’s done what he perceived to be (normal) marry the girl, have children and a house with a picket fence. People need to get that idea out of their head and be themselves and it will all work out in the end.

Anyways! He then not long after we met, went on his honeymoon with his new wife. We talked throughout the whole time he was gone (6 weeks) and it was about his feelings and coming out one day and if he wanted to be with his wife then when he came back we met up for a lunch in the city again. I just really liked to spend time with this guy because if he asked me why I was sad. I’d tell him and I wouldn’t lie. I felt like I could be 100% honest with him and it felt good to be able to... breath in a sense...

His wife had found out that he’d been speaking to guys and that when they got home from the honeymoon he’d be able to move out for a month and “find himself” I offered him my place to stay since I didn’t want him staying at a random guys house every night so he lived with me for this month.

During that month, we went on dates, dinners, lunches, days off work, sleeping side by side every night it was amazing and I wouldn’t trade that for the world. He also smelt amazing which was a big plus. It was however, an emotional roller coaster. At the end of the month he decided that he wanted to give his marriage one last shot before giving up and I had stated that if he’s to do that then we can’t be friends anymore because of our history and that we can’t even text at all.

Him leaving that day was one of the most emotional days I’ve ever had in my life, we cried to eachother before he left because he gave me this amazing card which started me off and because I alwayyys raves about his smell, he bought me the cologne as a thank you present.

Then I had to put him in his car and put it in reverse. He didn’t want to drive away because he was crying so much and I was holding back as much as I could but some tears cane out. It really felt like something had died in my life. With that last kiss through the driver window I told him he had to leave and try give this marriage a shot. As he was driving away I watched him till he turned the corner at the end of the street.

I was sobbing in the middle of the road because I didn’t think I’d ever see him again. I ran straight to my room and cried and cried into my pillow. I was an emotional wreck and I’ve never cried so much..

A couple of hours went on and i couldn’t stop thinking about how he was and making sure that he was safe and okay. We ended up messaging eachother to check in and all was still shit to be honest. We lasted 4 days I think until we met up again to see eachother. On that day, we again had sex. He decided then and there that his marriage wasn’t going to work out and he had to leave. I offered him a place but he didn’t want to make it emotionally painful for me anymore than it was. He then moved in with family and started to come out to them and his friends too.

I like to think I was there every step of the way helping him through that part of his life. We kept a sewing eachother and it was all going alright. I didn’t think this at the time but I fell in love head over heels with this boy without even realising. Because he knew my feelings toward him, he decided to back off romantically to try make it easier for me but I wanted him bad and I would always be waiting for his call, his text, his Snapchat. Another hard day was when he went back on Grindr. This broke my heart and made me feel like a piece of shit.

The whole time we were seeing eachother he always said he didn’t want a boyfriend and that he wasn’t ready so I knew he had to explore his gay side without having the guilty conscience with him because he was now single. I’d always be asking him how his night was, what he was doing, who he was with, if hes had sex with anyone else, if he’s met anyone else.

Every time without fail when he responded with a yes or that he was with someone, I’d go into a state of jealousy, unhappiness and anger too. These are not nice feelings and it makes your life miserable. This was happening for a month or two over and over and over because I knew that there was guys out there sleeping with him and having sex with him and having that connection with him that I want.

After this happening, it was Easter weekend on the Saturday night. My housemate, her boyfriend and their baby were all home in the lounge room and I was in my room watching tv. I, without even thinking. Decided then and there that I again was going to harm myself, I got the razor. Took out the blade and just cut, I didn’t even have a second thought about this and I was relieved that I had done it again and I felt like I could again take a breath because things emotionally were over..

The thing with self harm is that, the goal isn’t suicide. The goal is to just feel something other than the anger, jealousness, and hurt that you’ve been feeling for whatever reasons you have.

I didn’t want to tell anyone and I didn’t until I saw my GP. I had told him over the phone (as per COVID) what I done and he asked me to come in and see him each fortnight in person. This GP has been the best support I’ve had from a THP so far and I can not be more grateful to have him there for when I need.

After the self harm, I woke up one day and asked him to call me when his ‘friend’ left his house. When he called me I broke down and told him that I can’t do it anymore, I can’t be the person who is okay with him sleeping with other people. I didn’t want to tell him that I loved him but i blurted it out. I told him that for me to move on I can’t see him, speak to him or text him. I just needed to, let. Go. 

This was another extremely hard day, because all I wanted to do was call and text and snap but I couldn’t and I knew that if I wanted to move on I had to cut alllll ties with this guy.

It’s now been about a month and a half and I am still laying in bed, wanting him to cuddle me and tell me things will be alright. Or just call me and say, “hey beautiful boy, hows your day?” I still lay in bed sometimes and just cry to myself wondering what he’s doing and where he is and why I’m not good enough.

I’ve never, ever felt this way about someone, I had my first partner who was the love of my life for 4.5 years, I then had my other partner for 2 years and I wasn’t that sad about those breakups.

This was a total of 5 months, and I am still crying about him after not speaking for a month and a half. I don’t know what it is with this guy, I don’t know what he’s done to me and my feelings, I don’t know why my head just won’t stop thinking about him or dreaming about him or just generally being sad all day because he’s not here and I can’t talk to him.

I have had sex since he’s left with another man obviously and It’s so frustrating because I close my eyes during the sex and imagine that it’s him and I picture his face, eyes, smile looking at me. I imagine his soft hands touching my body or sometimes slapping it and I just wonder why I’m still this way when i should be over it by now.

I can not fully give my self and my all to anyone because I can’t get this guy out of my head. I will be honest, I have recently though more about self harm and I really want to do it but I don’t want those scars on my body since I still have the ones from when I was 15 there too.

I’m now seeing my GP and a psychologist but I don’t think anything is working. I don’t know what to do anymore and I don’t know how to breath, eat, walk, talk, act, do, say, blink because my concentration is stuck on this person.

I just don’t know how to help myself anymore..

[bumcheeks94]

Dead Poets Society (1989) dir. Peter Weir

[bumcheeks94]

“Once you read my words, you are entering my life, you are entering the mouth of wild roses,”

— Chuck Akot, from Waterline and Other Poems, Rose selvatiche

[bumcheeks94]

So I guess I’ll begin from the start.

I grew up in a small town in and being gay wasn’t easy which is the same for everyone but everyone’s story is always different in a way.

My dad is an alcoholic and verbal abuser, and my mum is the most beautiful person in the world and she doesn’t care about being verbally abused as it doesn’t bother her. I couldn’t tell you the amount of times my mum and siblings had to sleep in our car or at a relatives house because my dad would kick us out and threaten suicide and that he was going to sell the house and we’ll have nothing.

I’m the youngest of 4 children and the high school I went to, no one ever picked on me because my family were the “tough ones” who no one really messed with.

Then toward the end of year 9 we moved houses to have a fresh start and I naturally moved schools where no one knew my family. This was a hard process in itself but then I started to get bullied. They’d call me names, throw balls/pens/staplers at my head and whatnot. I’d come home everyday crying in my room where I would lock myself and not want to socialise with anyone.

This then lead to me harming myself which I used to cut my legs because I could always hide it and no one would ever know. Some people don’t understand why people harm themselves but that’s because they’ve never been that low that they wanted to do this.

I then left school half way through year 11 and got a part time job because I couldn’t handle it anymore and I wasn’t getting anything beneficial from it. I met a boy when I was 16 also and we got together then my life turned around and I stopped harming myself and we were happy. Getting through the family things was okay but we got there in the end.

When I was 18, he was 19. We moved into our own house, I was genuinely happy and this went on for 4 years. We got engaged when I was 20 and we had the party and all, it then got to a point where I just wasn’t happy anymore and I wanted to move to the big city where as he didn’t. I followed my dream and left him to move to the city and explore life a little more.

I found a group of people whom I now call my best friend but I moved in with them and then a month after moving in, I found another guy. He was nice, sweet, responsible, caring. We got together and after 2 months and I continued living with my roommates. After about a year, we decided to move in together. I was in love, I thought he was too. I have been told that during the first year of our relationship (when he went overseas without me) he cheated on me. I do believe this but I have no proof.

I also spent countless weekends away visiting my family and he was home alone so I don’t doubt that he didn’t cheat but I don’t have facts so I can’t say for sure.

It got to a point where he wasn’t showing me love, affection, sexual desire anymore. We had sex maybe once every few weeks and that was me begging him for it. There was a time where I had asked him for sex or just to play around and he declined and said he was too tired and going to bed. I didn’t think anything of it.. then when I walked into the room about half hour later, he was wanking to porn. I think this is where my low self esteem and trust issues come into my life.

I think I’ll leave this there for now and get our more of my life later.

Xx