burningbouquetfire

[burningbouquetfire]

I hate that I have been treated so poorly by men my entire life that I hate men.

They are animalistic, they don't love. I'm sick because they are sick. Fuck dude I can't do this anymore. I can't. I can't. I can't. I want to fucking scream. Scream. Fuck them all. I'm terribly broken girl which makes me a terribly broken woman.

God. Please I'm so tired.

X

[burningbouquetfire]

All the negative things I say about any interaction are just a reflection of myself. In order for me to SEE myself, I need to be able to express these.

If you're offended, then that means you see me.

Why write it here? I don't know because it's 2023, and no one cares about my blog. No self-pity just being real. I don't want to be big, I want to express. I think people gain something out of nothing all the time. So if this is nothing my whole life, that then means I will have gained everything.

X

[burningbouquetfire]

I think I have been so incredibly selfish.

Or maybe I'm just fucking insane.

Like literally maybe I am --

He's the only that knows me and he doesn't even know me.

I love my husband, and I have to give up control. I don't know where to draw boundaries. Even in my own marriage. Where do we draw the line of mental forgiveness? What does being in an unbalanced marriage do to you? Stagnant and slow growth with the person you've spent twenty years with and have been through everything. Together. And that fucking means something.

Him and I get to define that something. In a language of our own. And just because it's not the same language, where is the line drawn between submission and control?

You would only have to make it a game. A fully aware and somewhat primal game of man and woman. Concisely submitting. Concisely dominating.

But if you have a male that unconsciously dominants its because he cannot submit to himself. He cannot face the truth within himself. So he is heavy on the dominance.

Does this make sense?

If fucking annoys me and I think it's weak as fuck.

Is this a kink in me? Do I want to see egotistical men cry on the floor? Yes.

Yes I fucking do.

But I can not force this submission. And maybe I'm completely wrong, and he has submitted to himself. I have no fucking clue what I'm talking about and these may or may not be delusional day dreams because I love thinking and finding innovative ways to give life to the human psyche.

A major part of me keeps telling me I'm on the right path, and I'm thinking how I'm supposed to think. Like I was born to think this way.

This is the shit that makes me stop typing and happily think yes, I'm insane. I've been thinking of the number 333 all day today. Maybe not all day but often and in small spurts.

I'm not good at regulating it yet, so I had no choice but to keep submitting to myself. I am the teacher and the student. I don't like being the student, but it gets easier to be receptive each time. Submit a bit further. Down another level.

And I fail constantly, but i keep going. but not without a fight. And I think it's a slow way to submission, there's lots of forgiveness and maybe that's why Dante found it comical because by the forth level you're just manically laughing, because all your nerve endings are burnt. And your numb.

Very funny dante.

X

[burningbouquetfire]

[burningbouquetfire]

I hate when I get all depressed and then remember that I don't have to wear make-up to feel beautiful. That's enough to turn it around.

X

[burningbouquetfire]

Good morning void ✨️ 💛

I didn't wake up sad today because frankly fuck everyone else.

I'm content in my little bubble , at least for today.

I don't know.

I want to feel secure, and I think mentally I'm in some sort of shock.

Maybe I didn't take the chance to be mean. Maybe I'm too fucking nice.

I hate being nice. It makes me feel like I will be burned. I hate that compassion is not a common trait among this species.

I just want to feel loved and not like a burden.

X

[burningbouquetfire]

I try to include him, but he's not proud. So he keeps himself busy with his college degree so he can make his mom proud.

He doesn't ever take photos of me.

Is this bad?

He's never willing.

I'm running out of ways, I'm running out of life. I'm going to turn to stone in a few years. To be buried inside a mountain, never to be found. I fear this.

His demeanor turns me off. Abrasive and cold. Too cool to smile.

He let's pride whisper in his ear.

He is not in love with me. I'm telling you. This is getting easier to accept. I keep trying to love something that will always be nothing. And this feeling recycles ♻️

I'm the recycling center.

I'm in control of how I process this fucking garbage.

It's all fucking garbage. I laugh, and u laugh because it's true.

I'll be okay. I am of God.

X

[burningbouquetfire]

He hates me.

He fucking hate me.

He insults me with the things that I feel safe sharing, or being.

I live in pain.

I don't know how to keep my spirit alive.

[burningbouquetfire]

God. I'm tired.

My husband says mean things about me when he's angry. He's doesn't even know it. But you can't tell him because he's never wrong.

He's a boy.

He makes me act like a girl.

I need a man to teach me how to act like a woman.

I understand now.

The ache and emptiness.

I don't know how to channel this disconnect, for it's almost like I'm hanging from the outlet.

He's childish and needs to smacked across the face.

I surrender to being alone. Because that's what I am.

I'm functioning alone.

X

[burningbouquetfire]

Good morning.

I don't know what I'm doing here. I have nothing to say. I'm silent and unexpressive, at least to the world. I'm still alive, and I still give life.

I'm humbled by luck and comparative self growth. I'm enriched with love even though I grind my teeth with hate. I hold hate within me , hate that humanity can't think like me. Hate that there is hate.

I feel vulnerable but safe expressing myself.

Solard market today. I can't wait to experience it.

X

[burningbouquetfire]

Hello 👋

I'm being irresponsible with my ability to feel.

Sometimes, it's okay not to feel. And to just be.

And sometimes, I think we mistake the silence of the mind for sadness. We just don't know what to do with ourselves, as if we lost our ability to create. It's too quiet so let's fester.

I seem to lack the ability to positively reinforce myself. I can easily do it to other humans because I know how it works, I know how it courses through the neuro. That's why people think I'm charming. I'm just honest and outspoken.

I reinforce life, and when I'm drained, I look for a source, forgetting I am the source.

I'm trying.

X

[burningbouquetfire]

I have to take my own hand and walk through beauty truth and love.

I can't keep doing this.

Burning alive.

X

[burningbouquetfire]

The comical part of life is that no one knows your burning.

They think the glow is from the sun, but it's really from the fire inside.

Blinding If I smile too wide.

You can hear my dreams screaming at the back of my throat.

X

[burningbouquetfire]

Everything I say is a waste of fucking time.

I'll be soothed and sent on my way.

I don't like experiences like that. I can't reverse my brain chemistry, it's like so unattractive and unfixable to me.

I'm repelled.

X

[burningbouquetfire]

Sometimes, I feel like a pile of ashes. If you breathe in too hard, you might taste me on your tongue.

I want to watch while you taste me so my eyes can become wide with agreement.

I live in a glass box.

See through but never penatraded.

Such a tease my heart can't take.

It is why I'm burnt to ashes in the first place.

X

[burningbouquetfire]

He says he wants to fix things, but his heart is still awol.

I'm on fire but this time I put it out before it burns me.

I'm scared of the pain.

It's one of those things you never want to experience again.

I don't understand how people can continuously light themselves on fire for people.

X

[burningbouquetfire]

So much shit on the internet and so much shit on my mind that when they are put together, it looks much like the static of a disconnected TV 📺.

I start to move my head to shake it. That's when I feel insane. That's when I feel the most real.

Intense emotional highs bring me below, I'm not sure how much further, but I'm convinced there is no hell, we just come up and out the other side, the exhaust.

X