butterflyinprogress

[butterflyinprogress]

I am working on myself and screw all the people that wanna defame my character.

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When the narcissistic Bd was drugging me before I got pregnant and I looked like skeletor 💀 yuck 🤮

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I have tried my hardest the rest is up to God. I trust in you always. Give me the strength to keep going, the wisdom to know facts from lies and the courage to face anything the devil throws at me. I am a good person. I have done everything I can in life to try to be a great mom. I made it my life and now I may never see my son again.

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Why is my son so awful to me he has broken my heart completely i just want him to do the right thing and tell the truth

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"It's fine." I tell myself while having the worst crash out of my life.

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I am here for the "bad" survivors.

I am here for people who don't perform perfectly as they recovered from their trauma and abuse.

I am here for people who weren't believed.

I am here for people who went back, who reached out, who were unsure about what was happening to them until they were.

I am here for people who behaved chaotically and uncharacteristically in reaction to their trauma.

I am here for people who screamed, yelled, or hit back.

I am here for people who froze, stayed silent, or couldn't fight back.

I am here for people who couldn't get their stories straight, because their own memories of what happened were so fractured by the trauma.

I am here for people who's boundaries became rigid and impermeable as they tried to create a new sense of safety in their life.

I am here for people who lost all boundaries, who felt unsafe setting any boundaries in the wake of having them violated.

Whatever happened that makes you feel like you were a "bad" survivor, I am here for you.

There are no "bad" survivors because there are no "good" survivors. Surviving is hard.

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Listening to music to cope with my life stressors no one is perfect

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Sometimes I wonder why this is my life. I sit here and think about all the loss, trauma, grief, pain, hurt, heartbreak, guilt, abuse, narcissistic abuse, corruption in the government, courts, dcf, the cops, the pharmaceutical companies, psych doctors against me and i wonder how I am still alive. I think about all the good times with my family and my son. I think about how I survived everything sent to destroy me just a glimmer of hope left each time I got destroyed, lost, abandoned, betrayed, lied to, stolen from, the overdoses, the stolen meds, the narcissistic abuse, parental alienation, corruption against mothers who stand up and don’t silence their voice to mental health, domestic violence, abuse of every kind, and i ask myself why did I ever speak my truth? I did that because I love my son more than anything on this planet and the whole solar system and to the moon and back and to infinity and beyond. He has always been my heart. I will forever love him more than anything in the whole entire world. He is my reason for surviving. He is my reason for everything i tried to accomplish. He is my reason for living. I need him to be okay. And now, they are telling me they aren’t giving him back to me because I have neurological disabilities that I was born with so when extremely triggered maybe that is a side effect or maybe it is the medication that i started a little over a month ago for bipolar when I don’t have bipolar. Maybe it is the way I process things. Maybe it is because I’m extra and hard to handle. Maybe it is because i’m real and genuine. Maybe it is because I didn’t clean my house enough. Maybe it is because I told them things to help him. Maybe it is because I never got a break to process anything. Maybe it is because I have been tortured and put through every government and state organization and higher power in the state to hurt me, control me, belittle me, institutionalize me, take away my freedom, take away my life, Jacob was and will forever be my life. I don’t care what they think or have to say because I know that and I pray he knows that too. I have never tried to hurt him ever. I love him with my whole entire heart and soul. He is my existence. He is my life in every way. I have always put him first. I have never neglected him, I have never treated him like he isn’t a person, i have never abused him, i have never berated him, i have never abused drugs, I have never abused alcohol, I am naturally high strung because of what I have endured in my life. I never asked to be abused. They chose me. I never asked to be raped. They did it to me. I never asked to be institutionalized the cops forced me to be. I never asked to be gaslighted and manipulated for 17 years of my life. I never asked at age 4 to be beaten by my brother and his dad until i was 21 for my brother and until i was 11 for Bill. I never asked to be strangled on my arms by James. I never asked to be railroaded by James. I never had a choice in any of it. I was abused. I never asked to be treated differently. I never asked to be judged. I asked for help for my son. And now he is never coming back!!! I can’t believe this. That is all i want to say for now

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Nervous about dentist please God cover me in your protection today and all days

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I started journaling again. My mom has great ideas. I am happy I have her still here. #gratefulheartful blessed to have my mom here on earth with me. She is a living angel in my eyes. I only hope one day i will make her proud of me again.I miss doing things as a family. My heart breaks every time I think about it. I just pray i will have her a long time cuz so much of our time has been wasted on petty bs and games from my loser bd. I pray my son remembers who he is and comes back to life again and is vibrant and full of happiness and love again. I pray he sees my true intentions and my heart that overflows with love pouring out at the seams for how much i care about him, love him, miss him, and cherish him. I don’t know if i could ever live without his love. He is my heart and my oxygen and without him i can’t breathe amen

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God please take away all of my fear, anxiety, worrying, mood swings, defensiveness, depression, doubts, and limitations. Make me have courage, strength, grace, carry myself lightly, act like a true lady, and bring back the happiness, good memories, time spent with each other, laughter, love, hearts filed with joy and a lust for life. I want a better tomorrow for all of us and our kids. I want to see love win and hate vanish. I want the enlightenment and power to see how to handle and cope with my emotions, hard situations, people that envy me, people that speak evil on my name and my character, i want justice for the kind. I want the poor to have riches but to stay humble about it. I want caring, kind, simple empathy and a will to survive anything with my belief that God will cherish me and hold me with love in all of my struggles. I want love in my heart not hate or evil. I want to feel whole again. I don’t want to be this traumatized victim that hurts and wonders if my son still loves me i want to be sane in everyone’s absence. I want to be alive and feel alive again. I want to live free or die trying. I want heroes to make a comeback and people to understand each other. I want to be happy not just survive. I want to be living in a house someday. I want my life to be filled with love, peace, and clarity. I want energy to do anything whenever wherever i want to start over. I wish we had second chances but we don’t i can only try to move forward from here and keep going. I love you God please watch over us in every storm with every burden and every weakness and flaw that the devil tries to expose. I want equality for people who are disadvantaged, difficult, or different. I want people to be able to be themselves and not feel like they have to worry about people liking them. I want love in my heart over and over again to the point i have no time to ever hate because hate and evil don’t belong in my heart. I only want to love and be loved back always and forever. Thanx for listening to my ted talk. Amen. 🙏🏼

[butterflyinprogress]

My wish for you part two

I always envisioned you to be so loved and cared about. You were my light in the dark. You cared about me and never judged me. You saw that all i wanted was the best for you and for you to be happy and loved. I wanted you to be a healing person; an empath of sorts but also independent and know how to have fun alone too. I envisioned that you would always be happy and like the sunshine on a cloudy day. I wanted better for you than i ever had. I told myself if i have children one day i will never get fat, messy, and lazy. Well i also said my son will never do a drug, he will never feel less than. He will never beg for attention like i did. He will always know his worth and keep it moving accordingly when people don’t accept him because he is a rare gem in a world full of diamonds. You were always at the top of your class with your grades. I remember teaching you your shapes, colors, numbers, letters, and how your smile would always light up my broken heart. I went through it all with you and Spooky. We always had each other. I miss that bond it feels so cold and distant now. Since you were taken from me when you were 8 years old you have been different towards me. I always still believed you loved me now I feel as though I am losing you and i don’t know how to help you other than to pray for you, if you are willing to do the work with me we can heal together Jacob! I don’t want to lose our close bond that we had before and all of our memories because you make choices to use drugs, drive around with new drivers doing drugs, get in trouble with the law, or ruin everything you have built because you are codependent for love when u have it Jacob! I would take a bullet for you, get killed to save your life, anything to save you from hurting. I know there is nothing i can say to make you hurt less but I want to rebuild our relationship and make things good again i don’t want you to suffer anymore. I want to heal and for you to heal because without that what do i have left? Without you i will never be okay. I can’t breathe like i have someone sitting on my chest. I want you to be a ray of sunshine on a dark cloudy day. I want you to heal so you don’t repeat the cycle of abuse and trauma with your kids. I want you to be be successful, have a great career, goals and plans for your future (i hope i get to enjoy them too cuz i will always love you) I want you to be able to buy your own apartment and house one day, have a wife, have kids, love with all your heart and laugh with all your might, i miss the times we used to talk and you would rely on me to help you be ok. I miss your laugh, smile, laughter, love, and happiness. I miss your unique energy and your presence in my life. I miss you wanting to watch movies or play games with me. I miss your voice. I miss the kid that didn’t care what others thought and he had a lust for life. Don’t let one relationship ruin your whole life because i have done it many times and i will tell u it isn’t worth it. You are worthy of love, commitment, compassion, success, happiness, kindness, and anything u want you can achieve it. You can’t give up at 15. You are so much smarter and stronger than that. I will always cherish our relationship and memories and all the time we have had together especially the good times. I don’t want to envision a life without you because for me it doesn’t exist. I want to know you are safe. I want you to have structure, a schedule, boundaries, I want you to rely on professionals for when it gets too tough for us alone, i want you to outshine me in every aspect. I just want your life to feel happy again. Do you remember your dog Thomas who u used to cuddle with me and that would make u feel better. I miss when u used to have love for your mama. Mama is always going to be your mama. I would do anything to make u happy again. Please forgive me for all my mistakes.