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Life is so crazy. Seeing myself in the same exact spot 15 years apart brings up so many emotions for me. Things that have changed, things that have stayed the same. People you’ve lost touch with. Music you used to love and can’t even remember what it was. Places you’ve lived. Pets you’ve loved and lost. The person you were and the person you’ve become and the ever so haunting reality that I’ve never been able to escape from…. I’m only alive once. I can never get those years back. I am always going forward. Time will not stop and one day my time will be over. I hope that one day while I’m here that I can experience life without this nagging dread of it coming to an end. Since I can remember I’ve always wanted to find purpose in this life, I’ve always wanted all the answers. I wonder if I’ll always be on this quest or if one day my mind and spirit can find rest in the fact that while I’m here I will never know these things. Life is not an unenjoyable experience for me, even though I’ve had unenjoyable experiences, I’ve had a pretty great life. I just wish I knew what the purpose of life is…. And not knowing it drives me insane.

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All the ones you gave me covered sins. All the ones you gave me had different skins. All the ones you gave me lied. All the ones you gave me hid their insides. Walking with me but never being present. The words they spoke always having the wrong intent. Looking in my eyes as the things they promised now I know just caused me malice. How can I trust that you are not the same when the ones you gave me acted so tame. They all abandoned me after emotionally damaging me and now I walk alone but they don’t know. They’ve all ripped out my soul, left me bare but pretend to care but they forget that they caused this and I won’t recover. Keep your smiling faces and memories that on me are wasted. The ones you gave me really changed me and now I’ll hide away and hope to stay alone until the end my company only will I spend let the ones you gave me stay away from me as I mend.

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I may not know the one above

But I know Jesus and his love

And Jesus loves me this I know

Because he himself told me so

The things in books I may not understand

But Jesus holds me in his hand

And if I die before I wake

I know that Jesus my soul to take

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At these things I’ve tried my best

But my spirit is anxious and finds no rest

For many years I aimed to please

I spent many prayers upon my knees

I cried out to one I thought I knew

But in the end is that really you?

What others say is it true

Or do we really all not have a clue

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I wondered hard and long

About how life’s done others wrong

About the things I have and others not

Most of these things I I’ve not even sought

Why is this life so unjust

Life is lived then returned to dust

Some in life do seem more favored

But I’ll I’ve got is to love my neighbor

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And as I stay and away I pray

I think of others around me

I think of those without food and without clothes

I think of those who don’t know

What it’s like to feel cherished and loved

So I place my eyes above

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My thoughts start to wander as I ponder

This sentience we call life I’m not to squander

And if I turn away this path

Will it mean I face your wrath

My emotions start to surface

Does this animation have a purpose

Question meaning with me come on let’s go!

There’s abundance of things that we don’t know

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Now I lay me down to sleep

I’m told my soul is yours to keep

My tears and fears and all my wonder

My broken thoughts and feelings sunder

Are you here or are you there

Do you listen do you care

My emotions torn apart and bare

Contemplation, anger and a prayer

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There’s a part of me that you can’t see

I know there’s a part of you that I can’t see too

When we were young they gave us a mask to wear

They told us to put it on when life becomes a scare

So we took it with us everywhere we went

Knowing that we could pull it out and cover up in an instant

But now the mask won’t come off because it’s stuck

They never told us what will happen if we wear it too much

Sometimes when we’re alone we’re hoping it will fray

So we can take that piece and unravel our mask away

Our hearts ache to see what lies beneath

But even if we get it off will we like what is underneath

This mask we wear don’t cover up our eyes

When you look into mine I know you won’t see no lies

When I look into yours I also see compromise

The longer these masks stay on the more another part of us dies

When we’re together sometimes our masks come off

But we get too frightened and put them back on

But if I give you mine will you give me yours

I want to take mine off but can you take yours off first

We wear these masks for our protection

But now all that I feel is suffocation

We know it’s hard to know who we can trust

But let’s be brave and expose those scary parts of us

I hope you know that when you are with me

I’ll do my best to not be judgey

Let’s take them off and we can get to see

Lets let our love for each other finally set us free

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I watched you go

I watched you die a thousand ways

On a thousand different days

I begged you please

Ask God to take this cup from thee

But you said no

Grief is a terrible thing

When the one you lost is still standing

But they’re just a shell of who they used to be

I watched you die because you love drink more than me

Once in awhile

I’ll see a silhouette of you

But it’s just your flesh and bone

A memory

You’ll tell lies

But they won’t suffice

But you aren’t here so you don’t care

Grief is a frustrating thing

When the one you love is not listening

Because the demons in their drink are louder than you

The time will pass

Your life won’t last

Love is patient and love is kind

But love won’t watch you decline

With each passing day you’re running out of time

But if you come back now I know that you’ll be fine

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Fendi angel

I wonder if you’re shopping there

I wonder if you found someone to do your hair

Although it won’t be me

I hope that you know

How much I really love you

How empty you’ve left this world

I know you’ll make new friends

And buy them fantastic gifts

We miss your gifts here too

But not the ones you hold in your hands

The ones that touched our hearts

The smile you had

The kindness you showed

The things you would bring us

Never feeling owed

Your cats sure miss you

I know they’re sad

It breaks my heart to see them wonder where you went

I’ll do my best to love them the way you did

When our paths crossed

You held on tight

And I’m sure glad you did

Because I sure am a terrible friend

You taught me true friendship

And you never judged me

Everyone knows your gift giving skills

Thank you for everything you gave me

But most of all thank you for giving me your friendship

Im heartbroken

But I know you’re in a better place

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Pink and Orange

I thought alone outside my home

I don’t know how to make my words elegant

You’re no good at this

Who are you again?

I count on you to find my identity

How do you have so much power over me?

All this doubt

PLEASE GET IT OUT

I question as I’m typing

Will I ever know

How to kill the angst in my soul

Pink and Orange

In the distance

Distrust is what defines me

Don’t let it be

Don’t be like me

Be free

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