caloriegale - Tumblr blog

caloriegale · 4 months ago

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Okay so I'm not new to edblr, but I thought I should talk a little about why I've come back, and my general history with my eating disorder.

So, my eating disorder started when I was eleven. Puberty was starting and I wasn't liking how my body was becoming feminine. I always teetered on the edge of being underweight because I knew with the way the ED clinics are in my country, I couldn't be forced into treatment at one of them unless my BMI was lower than 18.5, so I always tried to stay at 18.5. it wasn't ideal, but it kept me out of treatment.

I began recovery when I was 21. I had just gotten into a healthy relationship, and I moved in with him and his flatmates just after COVID lockdowns began. I'd ended up gaining a lot of weight from 2020-2022, getting up to a BMI of 27. Realising this caused a relapse, where I got down to BMI 18.1 by late 2023. I maintained this for about six months, then started gaining again. It wasn't a huge amount, and to be honest it didn't really bother me too much. I thought I had "grown out" of my eating disorder.

Well, in January of 2025, I had someone close to me go through a horrific medical emergency. They're on the mend now, but it's a long recovery process. I feel selfish, but it really fucked me up. I'd finally been in remission for my BPD, and my anxiety and depression were well under control. After what happened, everything sort of fell apart.

I've relapsed again, mainly just to have control over something. It's been so hard, especially trying to look after myself when I'm so worried about the person who went through that horrible medical emergency. I honestly believe this relapse is the only thing holding me together and stopping me from doing other horrible things. Yeah, it's not the best coping mechanism, but I have weight to lose, and it's significantly better than relapsing with drugs or self harm.

#edblr #vent #tw drugs #tw sh implied

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