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i love this so much it reminds me of alphonse mucha

i love u mystic maya

pearl is right I’d throw hands with anyone who disrespected her

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a collection of aa sprite redraw requests from the bird app :^]c

like my work? consider supporting me on ko-fi!

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finally things are evening out

i have decided to find fulfillment outside of schooling. it was foolish of me to try to do so in the first place. college is a cesspit, but its a cesspit of opportunity; its like finding a gold ring in a pile of shit once a month. but i digress

i met a guy and hes really cool, hes a journalist and he kind of told me his life story. people tend to get really comfortable with me anyways, so i end up getting trauma dumped on. i dont really mind. whatever. i got kind of imbued with a new sense of urgency. im writing an essay about frankenstein. it would be nice if i had some collaborators. at the same time, i feel a need for sole ownership. if it becomes acclaimed or something, i could say im doing it on my own. needless to say im not really bored anymore.

i also got a 99% on my finite mathematics test!!!! bruh ive never passed a math test, let alone a math class EVER! so its looking up i guess. i have nothing bad to report.

TL;DR im writing a paper about frankenstein; i met a journalist who inspired me; i aced a math test for the first time

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i come bearing meager offerings

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autism is making my life worse

ever since ive been diagnosed, ive been hyper-aware of all of my quirks. one might say that this is a good thing, however, ive completely unmasked to the point where i cant mask again. im in a hellspace of being self-aware and not being skilled enough to fix it. its ruining my life. last week i had a job interview and i could feel myself fucking it up. i tried to make eye contact but i failed, and i kept wringing my hands. think the interviewer noticed this. she kept looking at something but i have no clue what she was glancing at. this problem is exacerbated by the fact that i cant explain myself. depending on who i talk to, this makes my situation better or worse. i cannot preface my speech by saying im autistic, and i dont want to be discarded upon saying that i am. its incredibly tiring.

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cigarettes

think im fiending for a cigarette. an acquaintance let me take a drag of his ONCE yesterday. today it is all i can think about. i might be addicted but thats neither here nor there. its not like ill have access to another one. plus, i dont want to end up like that bitch with the hole in her neck in the PSAs.

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I REALLY REALLY REALLY FUCKING HATE MY UNIVERSITY!!!

I shall preface this by saying that I'm a sucker for aesthetics. and while post-industrial architecture IS an aesthetic, it is so disagreeable to me that i am considering transferring schools for this reason. you can see right through the school, from one side of the street to the other side of the street. it is not a school you can post on instagram stories. it is not even a school i would wear on a t-shirt. there are common areas that have seen better days. outlets don't work. chairs are stained, escalator is broken. theres a display case with nothing in it. it would be one thing if these were minor glitches in in the matrix, but all of these blemishes together make me feel as though i'm not getting my tuition's worth.

i am not the only one who feels this way, as everyone seems to regard the university as a last resort. i'm supposed to feel special because its a university, rather than a CUNY school. it feels just as derelict (if a cuny school is derelict. i have no clue, ive never been inside of one).

I am trying to overcome my distaste by overcompensating with enthusiasm. the problem is that no one seems as enthused as me. everyone operates as if the building is a prison. its starting to get to me. whats more, i'm trying to incite the same wonder into everyone else, and its not working. in fact, it seems as if im further isolating myself.

if im to be alone for a semester, i would rather have it be at a place where i can romanticize my solitude. i want arches. i want greek columns. i want inscriptions in latin.

i am going to let this disgust fuel me, so that i may emerge from this concrete hell.

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I'm Back.

Tumblr is a wasteland. Maybe thats why i'm here. My vociferations will meet nobody's eyes, and that makes me breathe a sigh of relief that is so unbelievably awesome. I get to scream, I get to yell, I get to cry (all online, of course); I get to feel everything that makes me ugly, and I'm faceless while doing so.

Diaries are so antiquated. I have one at that I use sometimes, but putting pen to paper makes me a little pretentious... I feel a need to write for another person, as if i'm being surveilled. And I am. I live in a room with no door; privacy is not a concept. One might say my participation on tumblr.com, then, is counterintuitive. On the contrary, I'm adding my trash to a landfill. I have people to vent to, but I feel like since I know them so intimately, there's no restoring their perception of me once it's changed.

My mother is too self centered to really listen to anything I have to say, and I respect her too much to destroy who she thinks I am. If I complain about anything, she'll take it as a sign that she's not a good parent. When I express that she's not listening to me, it becomes another point of contention. My family is insufferable at times. I think it's because I live with them and I have a vague idea of who I am; who I am clashes horribly with the all characters I'm surrounded with. I am a cat person. I like to be left alone. I like quiet. I don't really like being policed. I have a very old dog. I live with four other people (and yes! they are incredibly noisy!).

My father is dead. not really, but he's dead to me. He's bipolar and an alcoholic. So it goes.