canopies-of-gold-and-evergreen
canopies-of-gold-and-evergreen
The House Must Endure
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ASK BOX: CLOSEDSPOON LEVEL: 🟠House VeridianA forest in perpetual summer.We are the creatures dwelling within.Come rest your weary head.Home of ā€œThese Ancient Canopiesā€ Sleep Token fanfic
Don't wanna be here? Send us removal request.
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THIS SONG. THE VOCALS. THE CLEANS. I HAVE ✨P E R I S H E D✨
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Wild flowers and waterfalls
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peace + quiet
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Shine.
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A lil change up from the past few posts I’ve made.
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Anonymously tell me your assumpmtions about me and I'll confirm or deny them.
!!!
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My thoughts on fear (long-ish and kinda depressing)
Fear is a funny and fickle thing. We all have it in us as a survival mechanism. It’s there to keep us safe, to protect us from danger. Most of us encounter fear for the first time as children; something small will jump out and startle us, only to disappear and never be seen again. As is the case with fear most of the time.
However, for some of us—me included—we became much closer to fear throughout our lives, constantly living in it. I personally grew up just above the poverty line with two parents who never should’ve been parents. I had a brother who bullied and pestered me all the time, and when I went to school, all the people who were supposed to be my friends did the same. I learned from a very young age that nothing was safe, I was always alone, and nobody wanted to be around me. I was left with a deep fear of abandonment and rejection.
So, what did I do? I created fantastical worlds inside my head where everything was safe, nothing went wrong, I was never alone, and I was surrounded by people who loved me. These worlds had entire plot lines that evolved over time, with the addition and removal of various characters. As I grew older, these worlds became centred around celebrities that I was enamoured with, and it stayed like this until I was in my late teens when I got into my first relationship.
This relationship followed the established script too and was incredibly toxic and unsafe. My fear response changed shape. I was afraid of being trapped and of being misunderstood. Now it was centred around people outside of my relationship complete with plans on how to leave said partner. I came very close to making a choice that I could not take back.
Eventually, I left that person and spent some time living with my parents again. This is where the issues became…compounded. My fear changed shape once again. It became a fear of not being good enough. I was reminded of why my parents should not have had kids every single day.
When I met my current partner, for a while those fears went away. I was happy, supported, loved, seen, heard, cared for, and believed. I had everything that I was ever afraid of not having. I had someone who loved me enough that I now knew what love actually looked like. And now I knew that everything I had gotten from everyone else was a sad imitation.
And that’s when life started to fall apart again. Covid hit, my grandma had a stroke, my family and friendships started to crumble. Grandma died, family fell to dust. Friendships disappeared all together. Once again, I was left with fear and escaped into my created worlds.
This pattern has continued every time that life has felt even a little uncomfortable. I am finally at the point where I have realized the truth of my fear.
It is not the one who has changed shape; I am the one who has changed because of it.
My fear has made me into someone I can only describe as a monster or a villain. It has made me daydream about hurting the people I love the most. It has made me scheme about ways to leave someone that has never done me wrong. It has made me believe lies and fantasies about people who don’t know that I exist. It has made me a dishonest person. It has turned me into someone I don’t recognize when I look in the mirror. The person I thought I was gets lost under the shadows and darkness of the lies I tell myself and readily believe.
I have felt a lot of shame and anger at myself for all of these things. I know that this doesn’t help.
Some days I don’t know who I am.
But I know who I want to be. I know that I want to be and do better, for myself and for my loved ones. I don’t want to be controlled by fear anymore.
I want to live my life with love and peace, and to do that I have to accept the parts of myself that I wish didn’t exist. I cannot love myself if I don’t love all of myself.
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Video post that is basically a summary of this post and this post. Face jump scare and voice (heads up).
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Thank you for the tag dear Wolfie šŸ«‚
If you see this you’re tagged.
Most of these are Sleep Token, so I’ll only put the artist names of the ones that aren’t.
1. Atlantic
2. Dial Tone- Miguel Owls
3. Sugar
4. Gethsemane
5. Against Me- Scout Speer & Austin Giorgio
6. Dangerous
7. DYNNM (Instrumental)- OHKAYA/Unkept
8. Caramel
9. Emergence
10. Take Me Too- Dead Eyes
Honourable mention:
11. Spl1t- ECHOIST
On Repeat Music Tag Game šŸ™‚ā€ā†•ļø
Rules: put your on repeat playlist on shuffle and post the first 10 songs that come up.
Thanks for the tag @skellyflowers :) I’m tagging @adenobabe @wolftoken @lifemod17 @canopies-of-gold-and-evergreen and anyone😈
1. Girl Like Me - PinkPantheress
2. More Than Hate - Bilmuri
3. NEW MAGIC WAND - Tyler, The Creator
4. girlfriend - hemlocke springs
5. Heartbeats - The Knife (😭😭😭 screaming crying ifykyk)
6. Stars - PinkPantheress (Ngl I’m not crazy about this one)
7. You First (Re: Remi Wolf) - Paramore, Remi Wolf (of course)
8. TOOTIMETOOTIMETOOTIME- The 1975
9. Wolf Like Me - TV on the Radio (knife found in kitchen)
10. Getaway Car - Taylor Swift
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šŸŒøšŸ’€EMBRACEšŸ’€šŸŒø
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i know the stomach-gurgling sounds in vore are most likely sampled, but i really like imagining vessel in the studio holding a microphone to his tummy
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oops I accidentally separated myself emotionally from everyone to avoid feeling any bad feelings & it worked but at the expense of my sense of connectedness and belonging
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they are the only dynamic that matters
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