captainlostinmyhead

[captainlostinmyhead]

I am homesick for a place I am not sure even exists. One where my heart is full. My body loved. And my soul understood.

Melissa Cox (via perfectquote)

[captainlostinmyhead]

Year 2. AP MILLA. Do you got this?

Feeling pretty defeated as we close out the first week of school. I go back and forth like why did I sign up for this? But I see the purpose. I see the vision. I see the light. I am grateful to be on this journey. I just wish we had the whole team with us. 

I am doing a lot right now, but I want to be better. This year, I was excited to be in classrooms and give feedback. This year, I am doing more mediations and it’s only the end of the fourth day of school. A bitch is skressed out.  

Do I want to be principal? Def not right now, but that’s because I tell myself I want to get good at this position first. I need affirmation. I just don’t know what that would look like when you’re the one who is supposed to be giving it constantly.  

Year 2 as AP MILLA...let the struggles continue. 

[captainlostinmyhead]

Year 1 done.

Summer School was rough, but we made it.  I never thought that I was smart enough for this, so I love proving myself wrong.  

Year 2 loading...

[captainlostinmyhead]

It ended.

[captainlostinmyhead]

#ValentinesDayChallenge ♥️ 🥰

1)How’d you guys meet? POF

2)First Date? Taylor’s (10/27/20)

3)How long have you been together? Together? Dating for almost 4 months.

4)Married? Wow. 😂 one step at a time.

5)Age difference? 2.5 years

6)Who was interested first? He made the first move for sure.

7)Who is taller? Me.

8)Who said I love you first? 😅😅😅 me.

9)Most impatient? Me.

10)Most sensitive? Me.

11)Loudest? ME.

12)Most stubborn? Him!

13)Falls asleep first? Him. Always.

14)Cooks better? Hmm...he probably cooks more frequently but me.

15)Better morning person: HIM.

16)Better driver: Me...

17)Most competitive: Me.

18)Funniest: Both...but me. Refer to last question. 😂

19)Where do you eat out most as a couple? Pandemic. Ain’t no eating out.

20)Who is more social? Me.

21)Who is the neat freak? 😂 him.

22)Who picks where you go to dinner? Me

23) Who is the first one to admit when they’re wrong? ....we both petty.

24) Who sings better? 😂. By default, me.

25) Did you go to the same school? Nope.

26) Who drives when you are going somewhere? Me.

Post a picture or video of you.

#ValentinesDayChallenge

[captainlostinmyhead]

You are worthy of love.

Period.

[captainlostinmyhead]

Today, I am happy.

Trying not to overthink why.

Grateful. God is making some solid moves with me.

Is it cause I’m going to have a rough year?

Stop it.

I planned a cute date tonight. I wasn’t sure I actually loved this guy, but he was great. He is great. I can see so much of my life happening with him.

He makes me genuinely happy.

But I still think of what can go wrong...

Doesn’t matter. I’ve learned that I can be happy.

I don’t have to settle and that I deserve great.

[captainlostinmyhead]

December 4

I slept on a couch for 3 months this year. Now I am the assistant principal who is 12 hours away from completing my first semester of grad school that someone else is paying for.  

My God.  

Grateful. Blessed.  

He saw me here even when I was down. 

But I am feeling a little homesick too. My heart will always be in two places. Shit sucks. Pandemics suck. 

But forreal though. I am feeling super grateful today. 

I am happy. Really happy.  

[captainlostinmyhead]

You were right.

This work is hard as F U C K. You have to do the thing you’ve been naming for the last year.  You struggle with consistency, and you are dramatic. You’ve known it and named it -- so change it.  

Love you. :) Let’s go! 

[captainlostinmyhead]

A few weeks ago, I had a panic attack about changing cities because I felt like I wasn’t making the right decision. (The common theme lol)

Getting that phone call yesterday to let me know that I got the job of my dreams?! Was everything I needed to continue to trust in God and the vision that he has put on my life.

I’m so grateful, and I know this work is going to be hard..: but I’m ready.

[captainlostinmyhead]

Emotional Decision Making

So, I bought a car.  

However, the APR is out of this world, and it is stressing me out.  Mainly because I am getting this new car to get over the stress I had with my last car. I also got caught driving without a license, so I had to deal with a whole bunch of BS when it came to these issues I’ve had over the years.  

Sounds redundant because it is. I keep having these weird ass issues, and I never get a true lesson learned from them.  Maybe because I am always emotional and always dramatic which leads to making instant decisions.  

I never stop, think about it.  I don’t think I ever actually truly stop, and think about it. I just go damn that happened and push forward. They say there’s a reason for everything but WHAT IS THE REASON? I’ve never really practiced this “standard” and now I am at a place where it’s most important, and I can’t “test” the skill because I’ve never done the pre-work. 

Ugh.  

What a hard pill to swallow.

 Life is smacking me in the face, and I keep wrapping myself up in a ball and hiding in the corner.  Shit, I've been staying at my friend’s house for THREE MONTHS. Like, what the fuck? 

I don’t even know what I’m saying, but I think a small thing I can do is make sure I read what I write. I was about to explain again...lol 

I am ready to start moving forward as God is calling me to do at this time in my life. I can do that from anywhere.  It’s just about not spiraling into my imagination...period.  

SO, Shout out to Serina for planning a “retreat” for us to get our 5 year plan together. I really do have the village behind me, and I need to make sure I support them and allow them opportunities to support me.  

You can do this. I believe in you.  I love you more than anything. Let's get it right no matter what. There will be bad days, but we will still focus on finding the flower or the root that is yearning to grow. 

We in it, so let’s do what we do best...<3 

See you tomorrow.

[captainlostinmyhead]

Decisions made.

I made a decision to finally stay in MKE. 

Cool, right? 

Not sure. I took a huge pay cut and bought a car that I can’t afford.  

I really don’t know what’s going on with me, y’all.  I make decisions, but I never ever feel good about them. Because I can never stop thinking about the WHAT IFS.  

I technically only stayed in Philly for 6 months. Is that enough time to know if you are making the best decisions? At this point, I’m lost as a bitch.  

We will see what happens, but I still don’t feel settled.  

This time period in my life is weird. 

[captainlostinmyhead]

Diary for today cause I was busy.

Reminder to also talk about the boxed cake that I fucked up. 🤦🏾‍♀️

[captainlostinmyhead]

Well, today was a good day. I took a shower, put a bra on. I even put on make up and painted my nails.

Spoke with my mentor and completed my to do list. Progress, my friends.

Work wise, I applied to a school abroad. Ha! I lost my mind but that’s okay.

Nothing to ponder on today. Love you.

[captainlostinmyhead]

Is this what you want?

Well, hello there.  I made it to Day 2.  You see, consistency does not exist in my family.  My mother started sending us Bible Bedtime Stories on Monday, and she said it was going to be a series and then Day 2 came and no video. I asked her if it was coming every other day, and she was like “oh. I forgot.”  How you gonna have an idea and then just drop it before people can believe you.  

SMH.

This is what I’m working against. My lack of examples around following through.  The thing is I know my mother tries though, but she also has a lack of examples. Which is why this VA move is good for her, she is able to recreate her village of people who support her and move her forward. Since moving, she’s gotten a promotion, helped start a church and manage things the way she wants. I didn’t realize how much I’m here for it until now. Especially since I moved back to Philly to get closer to Family only for them to move away. It was a lot, but it makes sense. 

An example of how it’s okay to move away even when everyone is telling you to stay. It’s not about anyone but you. Okay, I recognize my theme development is off, but regardless, there is something for me to learn and reflect about further.

Now back to the real reason we are here: Is this what you want? 

SO yesterday, I finally applied started applying for a job in Milwaukee.  I sent my first draft to my two closest confidants. One of them calls after reviewing, and she’s like: “ummm...the suburbs?” I almost died because she’s right. lmao.  I am a product of the suburbs, so I can go, but I am an inner city teacher. Not only that, but she goes “and instruction...you are culture” . Damn. She’s right.  

The only reason I have been looking in instruction is because that’s what I did this year.  I also realize now that I am not coming back to this job because I hate it.  Sooo...why would I intentionally apply for the same position? Cause it’s what comfy? Or because I think that’s the easy way in? I can’t tell yet, but I do know that I need to change my approach.  

[captainlostinmyhead]

[captainlostinmyhead]

4.22: Staring at the car

I was listening to “Something Keeps Pulling Me Back” by HER, and she says “Now I’m sitting in car that I won’t start”. I thought damn, that’s the problem that I’m having.  But it’s not.  

I see the car, but I’m not in the car. That’s even worse. I finally have a way out, but for some reason...that’s not enough. I mean, I drove my car to the place that I’m at right now. Why did I come here in the first place if I had plans to leave? Why am I trying to leave after telling everyone that it’s time to go? 

The other reason I won’t get in the car is I have no place to go. 

The other reason I won’t get in the car is that I don’t have a plan, and I don’t want to create the plan because I don’t want to fail again. 

I’ve scared myself out of trying again.  

I wish I could just “sit in my thoughts” and “give it time to work out”, but I’ve always been someone to move forward. 

Why sit in something that’s not working? 

This is great advice for my next relationship, right? 

I’m constantly telling other people they don’t have self-awareness, but I guess I’m just good at spotting it because, in reality, I’m the one who is struggling with figuring it all out.  

So...let’s talk it out each day. For now, I’ll just smoke this blunt...

Not every day needs a resolved answer, but eventually...we know that I need an answer. 

Seriously though, my next relationship, make sure I remember this post because DAMN! I’m dropping gems.