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☆ Monday musings ☆

The ocean looked absolutely beautiful today, I couldn't resist sitting out there and watching the waves a bit longer than usual on my lunch break.

It was an extremely long day for me, starting with back to back doctors' appointments first thing in the morning, then on to the genetics lab for a bit of safety training. After that, I quickly hopped down to the ecology lab by the beach to do some GSR work and continue editing my manuscript. Now I'm exhausted and back home already feeling my joints wobble and subluxate. I know tomorrow is going to be a mandatory rest day for sure.

With the fall quarter right around the corner, I'm really hoping my new anti-nausea meds can help me get through the mornings because it has been brutal dealing with these EDS symptoms and the constant nausea. Thankfully, I'm mainly focusing on research this quarter & the classes will be more lowkey. A nice consequence of having taken way too many classes my first year. Today was long but beautiful, and for that, I'm grateful.

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☆ Planning out my fall schedule ☆

I'm working as a GSR in the lab with one of my committee members who specializes in marine archaeology and human ecology, so I'll be spending at least 2 days a week by the ocean. I hope this helps me stay up to date on water pollution research and learn how to gather environmental DNA through water samples. In addition to working at that lab, I'll also be spending at least one day a week training in recombinant DNA experiments at my main advisor's lab and continuing with our current project on biocomputing by building out a prototype of our project for presentation at a conference in January.

Since it's my second year, I'll be writing my first drafts of my MA thesis and continuing with my core classes as well as colloquium for the departments I'm a part of. Once I type it all out, it seems pretty overwhelming, especially when I'm juggling chronic illnesses, but I'm trying to lean into my support here and learn how to delegate when I need help.

Listening to: Halsey - ego 🎧 (still)

Reading: Emily Wilde's Encyclopedia of Faeries by Heather Fawcett

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"Everything changes; nothing perishes"

~Ninth House by Leigh Bardugo

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from The New York Times

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☆ Manic Monday ☆

Started my new position as a GSR in the marine sedimentology lab!

It was a rough start because my POTS symptoms were so scary I almost went to the ER this morning, but I was eventually able to stabilize and just took it easy with computer work for the day. I helped record the weights of some samples and then did some inventory work.

Thankfully, everyone was very supportive and understanding of my needs. I'm so grateful for the community I've found here. It's been a rough weekend and this was the closest I've been yet to quitting the PhD altogether, but after some long talks with my best friends, my partner, and the ocean, I realized I'm exactly where I belong and the challenge is just to stay as healthy as I can throughout the journey.

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I notice that Autumn is more the season of the soul than of nature.

— Friedrich Nietzsche

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“Beauty is terror. Whatever we call beautiful, we quiver before it. And what could be more terrifying and beautiful, to souls like the Greeks or our own, than to lose control completely?”

— The Secret History, Donna Tartt

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As summer draws to a close, my autumnal yearning intensifies 🍂🍁

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Oh, autumn, how I miss you 🍂🤎

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☆ Friday Freakout ☆

It's been a really rough week with the heat waves and not having central AC - my POTS has been flaring up hard - my HR shot up to 130 when I was just standing in the bathroom trying to get ready to go to campus so I took some meds and called in.

I always feel so guilty when I have to reschedule meetings, but I know that when I try to push through these days, I end up sick for a week after. So instead, I'm trying to prioritize rest & accept that I can't be the same type of scholar I was before I got really sick. Music and reading are helping me get through the day 🖤✨️

Listening to: Halsey - Ego

Reading: Ninth House by Leigh Bardugo

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The truth is that chaotic academia is made for neurodivergents, and many of us use this specific aesthetic to romanticise our inability to study the ""proper"" way. The chaos of a 3am study session, or procrastination until you got one day to hand in an assignment, or hyperfixation so bad the need for knowledge on the subject fully consumes you is just our normal.

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I'm desperate for fall despite the fact that we are about to have another heat wave 🫠

I had a terrible doctor's appointment today where I was basically told my condition is too rare for them to help me & I should stop bothering them. I cried in the elevator and made a fool of myself trying to get out of that building as fast as I could.

After that waste of time & and money, I rushed to my meeting with the design lab & tried to forget how devastating that news was. Things are picking up for the fall quarter and I'm trying to figure out the balance between my health & workload. I'm only taking on a half load of GSR work and 1 core class as well as my thesis prep with my advisor since I know I'll be spending a lot of time in the lab & building out our new prototypes. This means I'll be making very little money, but I feel like I don't really have a choice. It seems like this quarter will be more about focusing on PR and science communication and less about making money. Hopefully, by the winter quarter, I'll at least make enough to cover rent.

If you're thinking about grad school, beware the pay is actually much lower than what they usually put in your offer letter (if you're lucky enough to get into a "fully funded" program) & its dependant on A LOT of hoops for you to jump through. I even had one program revoke their funding offer after they found out I was an Indigenous fellowship scholar, despite their choice to still fund other students who had different types felllowships as well. So it was very clear what that was about. I still have a pretty good deal considering everything, but there is no way I'd be able to do this here as a chronically ill and disabled person without my additional fellowships & funding from years of work in undergrad.

What a frustrating day.

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