castlesdump

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you know, looking back on it i should've realised i was a boy when a catholic priest sexually abused me. better late than never i guess #transgender

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I'm sorry, I didn't know. 2024, digital painting (clip studio paint)

A piece about having to re-parent yourself and the relationship we have with one of our youngest alters.

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programming things that suck:

programmed migraines

programmed seizures

programmed arousal

flood programs

spin programs

God, everything about being programmed is awful

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i wonder if people who 'don't believe' in RA believe in the existence of child marriage, a form of RA that demonstrably exists. maybe they do believe it, but think it 'doesn't happen here [read: western countries]', or that because they associate RA with satanism that all RA must be SRA.

i wonder if people who 'don't believe' in RA (even though it's been 4 decades since satanic panic started) understand what a copycat criminal is. my therapist and i are fully like 'yeah they made an auction look like a satanic ritual to scare the kids into not talking out of fear of not being believed'. if this hadn't happened after satanic panic they wouldn't have done it like that.

i wonder if people who 'don't believe' in RA know that they're basically telling abuse groups that they will take their side over a child's, as long as the abuse (as described by a child) sounds 'satanic panic' enough to cross that threshold between 'normal' sexual/physical/religious abuse and RA.

i wonder if people who 'don't believe' in RA think that what happened to me didn't exist, or just that i should shut up about it.

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my family all cried when the family therapist told them about aimee (with my permission). she told them how she died and everything. my dad said that it was murder and idk why it hadn't clicked for me until he said it. the next session, my brother said most of his individual therapy session was taken up by that. the family therapist said that our fucked up family dynamic came from my trauma and its effects on my health etc.

i wish this had never happened. i wish it wasn't a burden on my whole family. i know it wasn't my fault but i still feel like the one who caused all of their pain.

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maybe if we torture this kid harder our lives will get even more awesome

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aaand to lighten things up, some alter intros for the non-progged parts who run this page :)

Solace

they/she, 22, daily life part/life coordinator

song: cassiopeia (bears in trees)

Sophie

she/her, 6-7, deprogramming coordinator/information holder

song: see ya! (timothy heller)

Relevant Alter Intros

all progged alters have been deprogged enough that it's safe to post this. blanket TW for CSA, RAMCOA, chains/puppet imagery, dogs, horror imagery, blood, and CSEM.

Mine

she/her, 3, beta/gamma

song: feel better (penelope scott)

Anastas

he/him, 5, higher up-turned-helper

song: heaven's gate (amélie farren)

Marionette

she/her, 4, doll/puppet progged

song: show and tell (melanie martinez)

Lilith, Asmodeus, and Selene

she/her + he/him + she/her, ageless, incomplete higher ups

song: high for this (the weeknd)

the Clay Giant Twins

he/him + she/her, 2-3, delta/omega

song: i deserve to bleed (sushi soucy)

Goat, Prey, and Cattle

she/they, 4, memory holders (the auction)

song: violet (those who dream)

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Relevant Alter Intros

all progged alters have been deprogged enough that it's safe to post this. blanket TW for CSA, RAMCOA, chains/puppet imagery, dogs, horror imagery, blood, and CSEM.

Mine

she/her, 3, beta/gamma

song: feel better (penelope scott)

Anastas

he/him, 5, higher up-turned-helper

song: heaven's gate (amélie farren)

Marionette

she/her, 4, doll/puppet progged

song: show and tell (melanie martinez)

Lilith, Asmodeus, and Selene

she/her + he/him + she/her, ageless, incomplete higher ups

song: high for this (the weeknd)

Theo and Cassandra

he/him + she/her, 2-3, delta/omega

song: i deserve to bleed (sushi soucy)

Goat, Prey, and Cattle

she/they, 4, memory holders (the auction)

song: violet (those who dream)

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Okay everyone, I have to talk about this movie my partner and I went to see together. Some of you may have seen info about it before. It is called Wild Robot. (Trailer linked)

This movie could not get any more overt about its message about “overriding your programming.” Specifically, overriding your programming and becoming “more than what you were programmed to be” and overriding your programming in order to help each other and keep each other safe. Another big theme is deciding not to return to the programmers to “get fixed.” Although, spoiler alert, it does sort of happen, but not in the way you think. It has a happy ending.

This movie was delightful, heartwarming, adorable, and incredibly impactful for our system to see, especially our parts who are young and still a bit ingrained with their programming. While we consider ourselves fully deprogrammed in the “parts are willing to not run their programming” way, they still have to process a lot of the traumas that caused the programming and fully deconstruct the narratives they were taught about themselves. Seeing this movie really hit hard for a lot of these parts who are still struggling with this.

I highly, highly recommend this movie to any RAMCOA or programmed system who feels this sort of message being delivered in a heartwarming kid’s movie format may be of help. There’s tons of media geared towards teens and adults about overriding programming (Detroit: Become Human was a huge hit for our parts even before the lesser knowing ones even realized why, for example) but we have never seen a movie geared towards children with this message, and it may help systems whose young parts may need a different format of the same message!

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my brother knows. i put it off so far because he's young (19) and i didn't want to upset him. we have confirmation now that he wasn't involved (to his memory), which is good. i think that was a worry i had, that he was hurt by the same people and i didn't notice.

he's really angry about it having happened to me though. i never quite get used to how people react to hearing about it, almost like it's some sort of crime or something /s. but seriously, it's weird that i see it as so normal but everyone else doesn't. trauma is weird.

so now everyone in my immediate family knows, just noone talks about it. i didn't realise it until recently but i think i was scared they wouldn't believe me if i told them. i guess there's a line of believability and how much you trust the person determines where it is. i was worried that what happened was so out there that it would cross the line into unbelievable, but i guess they trust that i wouldn't lie about that, which is nice of them.

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fuck.

i was going through some stuff today and i found an old cape my great grandmother made. it was maroon velvet, and i was fine until i put it on. but as soon as i did, i started remembering aimee and the auction. i was wearing a maroon velvet robe. the pictures won't stop. i hate trauma so much.

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Unwelcome-ozian's book selling step by step instructions on how to sexually assault a child. Including which sex positions to rape a child in and what to say to a child while raping them. As well as how to gas light, trauma bond, and abuse the child.

Link to free copy of Rules of Programming - you can see for yourself.

In light of unwelcome-ozian publicly abusing a teenage girl I wanted to put a spot light on this. This comes from someone who claims to have been taught how to abuse children, and is now teaching other people I guess? Presenting it as raising awareness for the sake of survivors of child abuse, but after what been brought to light about them this is a lot more disturbing.

It provides step by step instructions on how to gas light and trauma bond a child to you after / as you sexually abuse them.

They are currently threatening to post stories of a teenage girl being torutured and sexually assaulted, along with her identifying information without her consent, again. In retaliation for her coming forward about her experience with them.

They are undeniably well aware of the damage and trauma they are inflicting.

They openly give "tips" on how to abuse children.

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ok i knew people were Freak enough to want DID even though it’s fucking HELL and they don’t understand at ALL what it’s actually LIKE to live as a SYSTEM but !! TRANSRAMCOA????? trans……ramcoa. what the fuck are you transitioning from..? why do you WAMT to have been MADE into SEPERATE OBJECTS instead of a PERSON so you could be ABUSED in SPECIFIC WAYS by ONGOING INESCAPABLE SEVERE HORROR AND TORTURE YOU WOULDNT HAVE OTHERWISE SURVIVED IF YOU DIDNT HAVE DID??? you WANT that??? huh???? yeah???????????? GO FUCK YOURSELF

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ok chat so we haven't updated in a while but this is so exciting!!!

first, the watchbirds are fused with a non-progged part called sophie. she's been really helpful in storing info about our deprogramming process, and our therapist is now saying maybe webby (the 'computer' part who used to oversee punishment) should fuse into her too. we're not against fusion, they've all been really helpful so far, but it's a little nerve wracking to do it intentionally.

second, anastas (nee rev. father) is now deprogged and an instrumental part in helping others! in order to demonstrate i have to explain the third thing so:

a lot of what kept us in line was this clock (that was run by a mouse who's now called turing), and underneath the clock was a giant made out of clay, and if the clock stopped the giant would wake up and hurt us. so that being said...

anastas and sophie went underground to talk to the clay giant (because sophie could see there was a kid in there), and it turns out that there's a set of twin toddlers, a sad boy called prometheus (or theo) and an angry girl we haven't been able to contact. the clay was just a protective mechanism, and we'll be able to help them both. and so the threat of what happens if the clock stops is gone, which means any parts who still believe the clock is important can be reassured that there's nothing to worry about anymore.

so that really just leaves the three sky people (lilith, asmodeus, and selene), the parts holding them in place, and turing left to deprogram, and then i think we're done!!!!! we feel so much better already, and i can't wait to have all these structures finally lifted. because fuck our traffickers.

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(You’ve chosen to not remember this part.)