catnherthoughts

[catnherthoughts]

reflection on the parallels 11/8

maybe it was intentional. from god? from some higher power. what purpose would it serve. give me something to think about maybe. to see where i've been and where i am now. to look back on the past where i was grasping on this. but where am i now? its not anywhere better. i used to self harm once in a blue moon. now i do it regularly. i used to be depressed every so often but i'd figure my way out and learn to see the sunlight. i've been in a depressive episode for 6 weeks straight. i don't think that after contemplating suicide for as long as i have i should still be here. that's a topic i may brush up on later. regardless, this made me write. to see different periods of my life at my north, south, east, and west; i ask myself one thing, what have i learned? maybe that i am lovable but even that is not enough. trials are tribulations will get you to your goal at one point, but what happens when the goal is lackluster. not to say that it is but, it didn't solve anything. i thought that once i became skinny enough and had a boyfriend that all in my world would be sunshine and daisies because not only would i be pretty but i would be loved. validation of sorts. i am both now. i can confidently say i am pretty, very pretty to some. i am loved deeply. yet, neither of these things fixed me. when i had a little less years on me, i spent my depressive moments longing for this life. i thought that once i fixed my flaws everything would be ok. how do i tell her that no matter that goal you reach, you'll always be sick. it makes me lose hope. my therapist says i need to work on using better language for my emotions rather than: upset, weird, odd. i am melancholic at the fact that achieving my goals will not make me feel better. it makes me worry for the future. i would like to graduate and have a good job. we also discussed a "chain of motivation". breaking down my big goals into smaller ones and what i want from them. how do i tell her all that i really want is to be dead. i am tired of fighting a losing battle. i don't do this for myself. when i think of the suicide i have neatly waiting in a satin lined gift box in my dreams, i get deterred by external factors. my friends and family would be so utterly devastated by my death. (they see my suffering and don't do anything, mostly because they know they can't.). My mom would maybe off herself and i think it'd shatter those close to me in a way that alters their view of the world forever. i'd like to think that somene at my funeral would give a speech like: she was so happy and a joy yo every room she was in, you'd never know she was struggling. but i do try to give subtle signs. you see my wrists. you see the scars. you see the posts. you see the weight loss. you see the dulling of my character. i guess people are blind to things they don't want to see. fair. i also think about what i would be giving up. the life i wouldn't get to live. maybe i'd do something in the world to make a difference. i'd lose the opportunity to do so many great things. never get to experience a full life. none of this is moving enough to get the thought out of my head, but just moving enough to make me not do it. or maybe i'm just so depressed that i don't have the stores to carry out what i know must be done. all the energy i have left is spent on school. If people knew how much I was suffering I wonder if they'd do anything different. I tell my close friends all the time how horrible I am. nothing changes. if i was them i'd do something. then again, i am not them. no one will love and care for me the way i do others. it's not that their love is bad. they do their best. i just need more and i know i'm never gonna get it. i kind of want to go to the hospital. to see how everyone would react. would i get flowers? would people come to see me? i dont really want any of that, or am i too selfish to say that i actually do. I'm not sure how this turned into a monologue about my fantasy of suicide when it was meant to reflect the symbolism of events that occured today. maybe this does reflect it.

*unintentional page break bc i can't type more in that text block*

i got what i wanted and still. nothing. maybe i'm even worse. i felt a sort of adrenaline i feel guilty for. the past looking at me in the present. i wonder how it felt. did it want to call out to me? was it proud? can it see how poorly i am doing? would it want to make it worse. it'll pass by me soon enough and at that point, i won't have it to look back on, or i guess look at. i may cut myself once i am done writing. something to feeeeeeel. south past may be unbothered. or maybe just curious. or maybe resentful. i dont think west past thinks as deeply as i do. i don't see any light at the end of the tunnel. i feel so sad for the girl i was back then. i miss her hope. she at least had the hope that when she go to her dream state, she'd be better. she had hopes that once ehr goals were reached that she'd be better. maybe they're haunting me. all the negative juju. cannot handle it. all i can try to do right now is push through. everyday that's what i've been doing. maybe this was something to make me feel something more profound than an apathetic depression with spurts of distraction. now i can reflect. i don't think this reflection is any really good in terms of helping me get better but its getting me to write. i think its funny that i only really write when i am sad. i think thats where my art thrives. my emotions are the most creative when i'm trying to use them as a scapegoat to express emotion. maybe i am art in my core. when i kill myself i should like type out how my suicide was an art piece to get people to think. then i'd be famous. i don't really want that but i want to do something profound. i can be taught about in classes. then maybe i'd just become another students dreaded homework assignment or reading. then again i'd rather do that with my suicide than just have it be devastating. would i be able to clearly write out an explanation. maybe i'd title it "the battle lost" or something cool like that. this is cool to think about.

am i selfish? maybe. my mom lost her mom. my boyfriend lost his father. his mom and brother battle serious depression. then again everyone has things they deal with. i have deep dark secrets i can't even share here that i have to deal with daily. is it selfish if i am the only one fighting this fight. maybe its some sort of self advocation. "i don't want to do this anymore and i don't have to". all i think about is killing myself. i dont want to keep living. thats it. nothing seems worth living more. maybe i just need to be more grateful. maybe. i dont really care to put effort into anything other than my looks, space, and schoolwork at this point. oh! i also put a lot of effort into others. do they put the same effort into me. i dont think so. no one would care for me like i would for them. going back to a point i made earlier. the thought that brings me pure bliss is the thought of me taking the sharpest razor i can find and running in down my arm. like cutting open a pillow. the fluff would get everywhere and ecstacy would release. then it'd be done. i'd be done living this facade. no one really knows how i feel except my therapist and even then i don't know if she fully comprehends the scope of what i deal with. no one can hear me cry. no one. i need help. maybe i do need to go to the hospital. i'll make a big mess of myself for attention and then everyone will be mad and i'll go to the hosptial. what will it accomplish? i'm not sure. it'll be a self advoation for sure. look and see me suffering. please. help.

that's all. thanks.

[catnherthoughts]

the note 10/7

*hopefully one day i'll look back on this and just be grateful that the only way to get past it is to go through it.

As much as everyoneeee hates to hear it, i always knew it was gonna come to this. most people who feel suicidal get help or find some sort of meaning to life that makes it all worth it. you don't just go through all of life wanting to kill yourself and just never do it. The feeling is like a distant friend. sometimes she is just a memory and sometimes she is with me, staying in my apartment. then of course as all good house guests do, she knows when its time to leave but still keeps in contact. so i dont forget her of course. like i could ever.

maybe i wouldn't have had to come to this if my life was different. i would say if i was prettier but i think i look very gorgeous.in fact, that's one of the few things that keeps me going. when i was ugly i used to attempt every other day. now its just a voice screaming at me that i try not to involve myself with. maybe if i had a more emotionally available father. maybe if i had a more emotionally mature mother. maybe if my friends reached out more. i could blame every person on this earth for not doing something but at the end of the day this is my fault. i'm the one who let the brain disease get to me. i take my meds regularly. i exercise and try to eat well. i do self care and still, i cant get myself to care about myself.

i came to the realization the other day that i am not living for myself. that was such an insane realization. i was driving to my human rights and digital media class and the thought came into my mind. i am only alive because i don't want to make people sad with my death. how sad is that? my mom would be devastated and maybe off herself. i hope she never has to read this but if she does i would want her to keep going. my friends would be in eternal torment wondering what they could have done. you did all you could. my dad would maybe just be a bit more numb. or maybe he'd upheave his own life, then again i don't think he'd care that much. he gave me the opportunity to have a good life while i could. my boyfriend would have everlasting grief. "my dad died, my mom threatens to kill herself, my brother has tried multiple times." gosh how guilty do i feel even mentioning anything is wrong. i understand i have a certain amount of accountability when it comes to sharing my emotions but how do i say anything in that situation?

i'm usually very good at hiding this feeling. i used to never let anyone even for a second know what i was going through. i have a twitter account where i sometimes indulge in the idea i have some feelings about things. it has been very concerning recently. i don't know if the feeling has been this strong in a very long time. every morning, i rise to start the day and i dread going out and doing things. i know its like hashtag dont wanna go to school but it may become an issue when the work becomes so suffocating that i can't bear to do it. i push through because my grades are one of the most important aspect of my being to my father. he is also spending a great deal of money on my education so i get it. whatever. i go through the day and count the hours until i can be in bed. once i'm in bed, i rot and rot and rot. i torment myself in every free moment, asking myself why i keep going. i dont know. i dont know. i dont know. i see my boyfriend and as much as he doesn't want to believe it, he makes me feel better. he is the person i can be emotionally vulnerable with, or at least who i feel comfortable enough with, so i show how i feel when we are together. he sees how tired i am. he's worried. he would be very upset if he knew what i was writing right now. i love him very much and i'm glad that in this life i have someone who showed me what love was like. maybe if heaven is real i'll watch over him like an angel and make sure his life is the best that it can be. i'd negate his suffering as much as i could. maybe i'd get a therapist for my mom. maybe i'd give my dad signs that its okay to feel things. i hope he'll cry at my funeral. i wonder if he'll bring his girlfriend and her daughter. i wonder what they'd think. he would probably make a joke about me starving myself to death. he tries his best to get it but i don't think he even gets that i have depression, clinically diagnosed. i dont think my mother knows that it isn't about her. she'd have more to talk about with her friends if i did it.

i wish i had some advice to give. like; "If you're ever struggling, make sure to ask for help so you don't end up like me". I wouldn't know how to ask for help if it hit me in the face. I used to, very often. it didn't go well. i've never even been hospitalized. one time the morning after my attempt my dad yelled at me and told me to stop being stupid. my mom, in one of my deepest pits, told me i need to eat breakfast and stop taking my meds at such a high dosage. i've been told recently that i should get help for the sake of my relationship, if not myself. i've been told to talk to someone about it. i don't want to talk to anyone about it. i dont need to make anyone worried and then when i get to the point where it does happen, leave them thinking they could have done more. they can't stop me.

i can't keep going through everyday wishing for it. crossing the street ever so slowly. even stopping in the middle. smoking so much maybe my lungs will never recover. pursuing a communications degree that i know i'll regret. i'm just an unlucky woman. i was born to kill myself. that was the plan. i wish that instead of the other baby, i was miscarried. that i never got the chance for people to love me. if no one cared then it would make things so much easier. alas, i care too much for those around me that its killing me slowly. i wish i was in a coma. i wish i was diagnosed with a disease that gives me 2 weeks to live. i wish that i had a way out. everytime i drive my care i imagine going 100 mph straight into a tree. then i remember how mad my dad would be that i messed up his car, and i drive safely. the thought of me taking a razor straight down my arm and letting myself bleed out in the shower, then i think about who would find me and everyone finding out. i wonder who would show up to my funeral.

my roommate just asked if my writing was going well. if she knew she'd have a panic attack and i dont need her to suffer. how much longer do i have to suffer so others don't have to. its my life and if i decide it's over for me, i should have the right to end it on my own terms. there is no free will, if there was i'd be dead a long time ago. because of everything that has lead up this point, i am simply a piece of seaweed in the ocean, drifting by waiting to be eaten.

i'm too tired to keep writing but i feel like this this isn't a sufficient enough note. if i could, i write a suicide letter book. that way at least i'll be able to say i published something. in a perfect world i would be a philosopher and have a phd and people would read and love my work. sadly, life is not perfect, not even good enough for me to want to be apart of it. thank you everyone for making it so hard to say goodbye.

[catnherthoughts]

ptsd in romantic relationships 12/18/23

this is not fair to you and i apologize. there is nothing you have done to me as far as i've known. this weight coming onto you is not what you deserve. i should be sorry that i am the one you love*. you don't even know it! you have no clue and as much as i'd love for it to stay that way i don't know if i can keep hiding these panic attacks. but how am i meant to tell you. it's not a good thing and i'm meant to be good. i am as good as i can be because you picked me an made me yours. you gave me something i've been searching for for years and i have to nerve to feel any sort of way? it's been a very long time since i've been in therapy. i think that you can infer from some things. you aren't dumb, in fact you're a capricorn. with a cancer moon. god you are great.

i remember when we were in the car and you said you've never really had any sort of real emotional turmoil. you've never thought of suicide. never been abused to a degree that was severe. that is so nice. i was so grateful that you never had to experience something like that. you don't have any sort of weight on you. then immediately after i thought to myself. i have thought of it. there were days, weeks, months, years where it's all i thought of. more times than i'd like to admit that i've tried and for some reason unbeknownst to me all failed. all of them failed for me to come to you like a battered puppy inside.

you don't know what happened to me. how they hit me and what i was forced to take and how i was manipulated. i was meant to feel like i wasn't a person. that is what love is to me. i am scared everyday that you are going to do the same and that is not fair to you. you are nice to me. such a great partner. how could i ever think that way. i feel so horrible about myself when you say something stupid and i think about how you could be trying to manipulate me or trying to do something to me. when we got high over the phone and u joked about gaslighting i laughed it off but i almost went into a panicked frenzy.

i don't deserve you. i can't pretend like i am not who i am. you don't know me at heart and i don't even know if i can tell you. how is this gonna work. you don't get it and i don't want you to. no one has ever really loved me without repercussions to my psyche. i have scars on my body from everyone i've ever loved, whether self inflicted, inflicted by them, or mental. im so tired. i dont deserve you i should kill myself. you don't deserve a girlfriend like me. you deserve a girl that is okay mentally, no attempts under her belt, a normal girl. so you guys can love each other and you don't have to deal with this. i don't even want to deal with it. i don't want to tell you but i think after we break up i may do it. i got the love i've been longing for and i've been so tired of keeping going. you don't deserve a dead girlfriend. maybe i'll do it a few years after we break up so u don't think its your fault. if anything its the opposite. you're delaying the ineviatable by being such a good person.

i haven't been good at all. i'm a bad person. i can say that the world molded me this way but that is an excuse i chose not to take. there is something wrong with me in the soul after being thrown around the way i have. you don't deserve someone like me. if i had a gun i'd do it right now and leave you a long letter about how you were such a great boyfriend and how you helped me through what i'd never tell you about and all the things of that sort. i think that i was meant to perpetually be abused so that i can take all i can possibly take and then reach a breaking point where my method of choice actually goes through. i'm sorry that i am me.

gray text: ohh, guessing u don’t wanna talk about it

blue text: i don't want it to seem like i don't tell you why i feel some ways sometimes because of anything against you. there is just a good amount of things you don't know ab yet and eventually you'll know ab it all but i just get anxious that you won't look at me the same plus i don't wanna like burden u with this stuff i can deal w myself. i trust you a lot and rlly do appreciate you very much.

im so sorry that we met and you liked me.

[catnherthoughts]

rg 11/8/2023

i am a bit mad. this does not feel like right at all. i have learned from my experiences to go about things a certain way. don't be completely loyal in the talking stage because when exclusivity is not defined there is a chance the other party is also talking to other people. i thought this was common knowledge.

but no, for once ever in my life this was not what a man thought. i didn't even think that he thought we were that serious. i liked him. i still like him. i was excited for when he was gonna talk about our exclusivity and we would just be together and i'd finally be free from single college party life. but no, he had to see the text i sent to ym friend ab a cute guy in comm. like wat the flip. sorry in class but like. i even tried to apologize and explain why i did that but he just said that he thought i should just know that you shouldn't say those things at a certain point of a situation.

my thing is, he is not my boyfriend and we did not have any sort of conversation saying that we were gonna be exclusive. i did not know thats he he felt. if he said that i wouldn't care bc i wouldn't expect him to adhere to some rule that i didn't even tell him about. relationships don't work without COMMUNICATION and i told him this and he said that some things should just be common knowledge and it didn't need to be discussed. he said that he was not in the place mentally for what we have going on. maybe he just isn't emotionally mature enough to have a conversation and learn from an argument. he can't come to an understanding w me. that's so stupid. i said sorry, i won't do it again, and that we can talk about exclusivity adn things of that sort. he said that i just should have known and that somehow i disrespected him bc i knew he had "trust issues'

he has no idea about what i've been through because I do not like to tell him about my past and i have grown and have learned from it. I am mature enough to realize how my past affects my current relationships and learn from it. therapize and ball out. i'm not a bad person. i really did like him. im not very emotionally available as a person at the moment but i was more than usually with him. it was just a misunderstanding on where we stood. we could work past it. i wanna be with him. i feel so bad. im in class and i cant breathe. this is so dumb. i felt so nice and we were so close and now its over. he posted something ab a drinking gc w a lot of girls. i think its over.

I'm feeling alot of emotions right now. oh yeah he's so cool he thinks he can out hoe me? i have so many men omd. i can post me kissing another man. but would i be seen as a slut? am i already seen as a Slut? i didn't even like do much. i hate this. he shouldn't have this much control over me. but he was so sweet to me and i liked talking to him and im just so tired of bieng in this cycke. if im being honest when this all unrolled i wanted to relapse on sh. its always the relationship things that make me wanna sh. class is over and so is my joy for rn. depressive episode and starve. bye.

[catnherthoughts]

damned if you do, worse if you don't 9/23

referential

there is nothing in this moment that i feel other then shame on myself. i feel like the shell of a woman. this isn't who my mother raised. i'm hurting her by doing this. i came to university and i get up everyday doing work to be able to one day provide for her. make her sacrifices worth while. there is a deep feeling within me that i am not enough. i don't work hard enough. i am not smart enough. not pretty enough. not enough. it feels like the disability i have mentally is a curse on me and everyone around me. i feel like there is something wrong with me that everyone else can see that i can't. im too loud, i dress weird, i don't get certain things, i come off too strong. i try my best to make up for this?

i go out and have fun with my friends. i try to be the life of the party. i meet people and am as nice as possible so that one day if i'm in a position where they can help me they see me as good and kind. i take a lot. you need this? i have it. you're not doing well? how can i help. if someone asked of me i am going to do it. they are owed it to be in my presence. to take me in knowing i am flawed. i do my best for others. i'm not good enough then i'll do all i can to be useful. see my worth. approved of me please.

i talk to men at these parties. i don't want to come off as rude. we have conversation. i like having conversations and have been told i am a good conversationalist. getting to know people. mingling. i do what i can. men can be scary. i feel as if sometimes men see a clock over my head representing how much longer until they can kiss me and touch me and use me. nothing more than an object. i've felt this way in the eyes of men for most of my life. i want to have these networking connections so when they glance at my chest or try to put their hand on my waist i laugh, move a little, try to let them know without making them angry, god knows what a man will do when he is angry. i'd like to say that most of it isn't intentional. they're men, it's what they do. something about testosterone and the portrayal of men in media and the porn industry. i always hope that once i laugh off their advance on me they will back off and see me as a person. a human being and potentially a friend. i like to make friends and be kind. learn about other people and such. i'm not sure it always works this way.

maybe it's my fault. my outfit is too skimpy and it's not their fault they get tempted. it doesn't matter if i feel good in it, i won't feel good when i have consequences. i put effort into my appearance so i must be trying to appeal to them. talking to men is first base in their eyes right? in comm we learned that men see interactions are significantly more sexual than women do. i should apply this to my daily life. don't be friends with men. they don't see you as a person. they don't care about you and they never will. they think with their other head. a fault of mine for trying to be kind. appreciative that i was invited to a party. interested in how other's minds work. i go home thinking that i made friends and they go home thinking that i'm stuck up because i did not let them kiss me or touch me etc etc. so they lie. they lie and lie again saying i did. to make themselves feel powerful. they tell their friends. who are they gonna believe? you were drunk so you don't remember. slut. whore. all the words. i didn't do it but does it matter? i try too hard to not be tempted by the ways of men. i don't fall for it when they call me cute. i don't let them do these things. i know they don't care. here i am still shaking with fear and nauseous that i'm now seen as dirty and filthy.

then they say it to my face.

"you're a whore, i bet you fucked *"

"you wouldn't sleep with him if he paid you?"

"fucking bitch"

"slut."

"you're so hot when you speak spanish can you call me papí"

it's my fault for reacting. this is normal. this is how men are. you should be the bigger person. no matter what you do they'll say these things. he taunted me. in the backseat behind me like a little devil over my shoulder. i just wanted to have a conversation with my friend who was driving. whore. bitch. you're annoying. but i shouldn't have reacted. that's my fault. i sat in the front seat so i must want to fuck this man. not because i was nervous that if i was in the back i'd just be too tempting to have kept his hands off. i should've stayed calm. but i didn't. it's my fault. as i got out of the car i hit him. it was a slap to the chest. he said it was a punch to the face. i remember hearing something along the lines of him wanting me to be blacklisted when we were all standing outside. you don't want to fuck me so you'll be blacklisted. it's like it was on purpose. you don't have worth here if its not for fucking. maybe i should have just let him say that to me. have me. take me for his own advantage. who cares what i think. i am not a person in their eyes. i am just a latina with a short temper. what's the good of one of those if they can't use the body my ancestors gifted me with for their own pleasure. i am blamed. i am bad. i am not a good person. it doesn't matter what i do. i'll never be good enough to be seen as a person.

[catnherthoughts]

to have it 9/18/23

to think its been so long since i called you pretty. since we were younger and didn't know the dirt beneath our souls. to think we were once in that phase. i had a crush on you and you on me. we got nervous to see each other. walked together. you made sure that i walked on the outside of the sidewalk. i learned more and more about you every day. we talked for hours and days at a time and at no point did i ever want anything but you. i fell and scraped my knees on the thought of having you. kissing you and hugging you. playing with your hair. smiling and laughing with you.

we're different now. colder. i don't know how you are. what you do on a daily basis. how you feel about things. we don't talk. we have something. we hold onto a safe relation. i tell myself im over what once was. that was in the past. as if i don't stare back lightyears to see the shining potential we could have had. here i am still. have me and take me. there is nothing wrong in a practical sense. we dont hate each other. there is nothing to be mad at. still i find that when we disrobe and i'm in your arms a small tear sheds from my eye. to think i can only have you like this. i try and savor every moment of it. i squeeze you extra tight. i tell you that this is only yours. i don't lie to you. a pain fills my chest for a few seconds at a time. i take in every single part of it so i can remember. this is us. this is what we have. nothing more or less. i can't say i don't like it. i am a woman with primal desires. you are good at this. you know me in this way as i do you. when you grip my waist and make me feel small. hold my face and call me pretty. call me baby. i'm not usually a fan of dirty talk but its a way to listen to you. it's not the same, we're different now.

I wonder if you notice it in the way i grip onto you. or how i yell at you drunkly saying we should talk more. you don't see it my way. you only want me like this. i know i shouldn't say this but sometimes i wonder if you see me as a person. do you think about me? long pause. i told you. i told you when i don't usually say anything. it didn't help. we came to a mutual agreement. you explained to me. i understood. i understand. i don't think its right to say you love me but we can pretend that didn't happen. like when i say i love it when you * or i love your * im not saying the same thing. you're growing. or maybe you're just being more of yourself. you're a lot nicer to me when you're drunk. i wonder if when i kiss you all over your face and you smile if that's a sliver of feeling for me. it feels pure. i think about you too much for my own good. i dull it when we interact. you shine bright in my mind like the sun. i would say this feeling is more comparable to a tumor. i need you to get out of my mind. no matter how much time we spend apart. how much i tell myself you don't matter his much. god wants me to suffer. this is biblical. do i sacrifice myself for this. in your name and honor sir? still you hold me with care. you're gentle when it matters. you're attentive to every move i make.

is it enough?

maybe one day i'll be so sick of you that i resort to my last option. i wonder how you'd feel. you should be sorry that you're the one i love. i should die. this isn't how im supposed to be. i am better than this no? who am i to let a man make me feel like this. you don't matter this much. you are just a person. i know all of this but at the end of the day there is nothing that i can do to stop thinking of you and equally nothing i can do to make you love me. so here is a safe and logical middle ground. the deal of deals. i'm happy. you're happier. you do everything right and still i come home to my bed feeling like something is wrong. i wish you didn't matter. like john or earl or dennis or one of the million other men that wish they had me like you did. i don't think you get it.

[catnherthoughts]

she felt an emotion 8/18/2023

i apologize for my hiatus. there hasn't been any motive for me to write until now. i know that someone probably sees these and likes them. possibly. now i am here to turn feelings into an art form to be enjoyed by those who frequent tumblr.

i do not think my position is unique. i enjoy the comfort in knowing that there are people in the world that have felt what i am feeling. they know how it felt. they have been in a situation that parallels mine. having separated parents is not uncommon in the slightest and those parents are people. people with flaws and emotions and coping mechanisms that are far from perfect. all we can do as children of these situations is look and learn. cope, hopefully in a better way eventually. i have seen my parents relationship grow and shrink. i have seen them love and hate each other. neither of them are perfect. far from it i would say. I still love them very much. i can only try and empathize with their situation. i think it's odd being put in the middle of these things but as an only child i am not sure i have a choice. i can't remove myself. boundaries are set but nothing changes and i can't control that. i've learned through years if therapy and medication that a more internal approach works the best. my mother can rant all day about how she loves my father and my father can make snarky remarks about how he finds every aspect of her distasteful. they will always so that. despite my efforts of trying to change their behavior, i have personally learned that there is nothing you can do to change a person. that was a very good lesson to learn. i;ve carried that out in my personal life to some extent. it is nto right being in the middle but i cannot do much about it. in turn, i sit and i think and i take these as lesssons. why be alive and living life if you cannot learn and better yourself from harrowing experiences.

I will say that in some aspects i have adopted their behaviors. I am only human. if its not genetic its basic developmental psychology. you learn patterns based on what you see and act as such. I am their daughter. so i beg for those who do not want to be with me and in the same fashion am never emotionally vulnerable. these are things that i am working on. i am very proud of myself for at least recognizing these patterns and wanting to change. that is farther than most go. i have had horrid things happen to me because of these patterns. all of the abuse in the book and such. one thing that i admire is how i learn from these. as a mutable sign i think it's only right that i change and grow. i will say that i have distaste for those who do not even try and put the effort in to learn move on and grow.

growth does not happen immediately. i know this. but there is a certain amount of accountability that you must take and that is one of the most important things.

I just took an hour long dance break. the feeling that triggered this is not there anymore but i will try to do my best to finish this in the most authentic way possible.

accountability is one of the most important things that a person can learn. in this way we can learn and become better. if you don't know there is a problem, we can not try to solve it. i am somewhat of an eternal puzzle. forever there will be missing pieces or pieces of me that i thought were well placed but after looking at the bigger picture see that while that was the best for the time, there are better things i can implement. why be educated formally when you cannot be a good person. there are people who have never been to school that know more than those with a masters. emotional growth is not optional if you do not want to hurt those around you and in turn yourself. community is a garden. pollen and nectar and things of those cyclical natures. the bees don't pollinate to help the flowers, but to get nectar. where would we be without that process? horrid things. we can all be a bit more beelike. by holding yourself more accountable, you can look and see, this is what i need to work on and this will make the life of myself and those around me better. i know a man very well. he took his hurt and ruminated on it. excused his bad behavior based on it rather than healing and doing better. i got hurt by his hurt. it did not help his hurting. very sad that he went through whatever it is he had to go through but we either take these situations and learn or we stay with a dagger in our chest forever. i can love. i can laugh. if i told those around me about what i have been through i think that i would be met with confused stares. there is this narrative that " hurt people hurt people". yada yada. i was hurt. i don't let that define me. i don't do what was done to me to others in a way to replicate what i was feeling onto them. why would i? everyone has a different perspective on things. people can say that i am too soft and malleable and letting the needs of others supersede mine. i know that i am happy and those around me are aswell.

that is the thing with growth. people can tell that you are wise. i attract others based on this. i hope that i am not being put on some pedestal based on how much i have grown. i am still just as flawed as any other human. i just work on my flaws. i fill the life i live with love and i think others know that. i cradle everyone i come across within my arms and kiss them on the cheek. i see their soul and with mine take it in. i give their aura a bath and tuck it in with their favorite stuffed animal. eternal caretaker. it may be too much for some and for others it feels like a euphoria that is too good to be true. alas, i cannot control these things. i just know i get joy from things of this nature. a physical non metaphysical example would be taking care of a man when he felt nauseous. feeding him and giving him a drank form my palms. holding him and giving him comfort. a kiss on the forehead. a but mothering but that kind of love means the most. when the world slices you up and down you have the choice of remaining bits and pieces of what you once were or tending to your wounds and getting better. take all of this how you will

xoxo cathy

[catnherthoughts]

me yelling out “i’m worthy! see me! i have value see its here and here and there”

[catnherthoughts]

dr pepper chronicals

thank you j loops for giving me inspiration to write again. what is it that we have in this moment of time? i do not care to label it or define it in any matter because if i am being frank, there is no part of me that wants to be your girlfriend at the moment. there is so much responsibility in that title. i enjoy spending time with you and the intimacy that we do share but anything beyond maybe spending a few more days a week hanging out would just not be manageable for me. there are other people in my life. unfinished business at school. i need to make sure that at the end of every day i am alright. the last man i was seeing made me go into a ben10 psychosis. i could not spend more than 10 minutes without him popping into my mind. i cut my veins for him. because i thought that i was not good enough for his love. do you know how painful that prolonged feeling is. while i cannot say that i still have strong feelings for him, the imprint he left on my being is a reminder. i cannot let myself ever do that again. sure i can have casual sex and kiss and all of that but i never ever want to love someone again. it never works.l there has never been a time where i thought to myself, yes i am so happy with this relationship and everything is swell. no. i am not meant for love and i have come to terms with it. when it is presented instead of being gentle and caring i turn into a mad woman and pick at it until there is no sign of anything salvageable. I cannot be a victim of that anymore. or the one that hurts others. maybe makes others uncomfortable. i am sure being loved by you is amazing but there are certain lessons i have learned around this sort of thing. it does not work. you are nothing short of perfect in my eyes believe me. i just am not sure if keeping a doctor pepper in my fridge for you isn't gonna make me spiral. sounds insane i know but you are already giving me odd signals. then again you are a man. you don't want me. behave as such. there is no point in doing more for the ability to have sex. that is all i want from you. there is no need to allure me in with love and commitment and dreams of meeting my grandparents. we do this thing. we try to showcase the best aspects of ourselves to potential partners. i am sure that is comes from a psychoevolutionary standpoint. there is nothing more from you that i need. i know who you are. i know the dirty and the ugly. do not try and hide under the guise of being better because you are not. you are just like the rest. and just like the rest i was fine with just what we had until the fish hook was thrown in. to capture me. to do what, i am not sure. in my mind, why show a facade of something more when you want my body which i am already giving to you and make me believe that there is something larger you can offer me. it does not make sense and it angers me. it makes me want to end everything. everyone knows how much being in relations with others means to me. maybe this is my way of having something without the risk. a numbness to replace having absolutely nothing. i want to be able to see us together truly i promise i want to see us entangled and kissing in ways other than sexual. i want to be able to picture it all. but i will not allow myself to. i will not allow you become a staple of my home with your soda. i need to protect myself. you don't know me *. you just don't. i dont want you to and there are very very very good reasons as to why you will never delve into my psyche. you do not understand how i operate. sure youve seen the scars on my wrist and you can assume in crazy or whatever. i don't even want to know what you think when you see them. the only time that i see you behaving in a way that is soft and sweet is during out intimate times. i am not sure what that means but i do not feel good about it at all. how am i explained to your friends. to know that in this world i am nothing but a body is something that breaks my heart. i appreciate all that you do. the constant texting, seeing me weekly, helping me find my dog, all wondrous. but you do not need to.

i do not need anything from you. i don't want to throw up everytime i think of us. i cannot go through another situation that causes me to pull my hair out, stop eating, and overall disintegrate. you did not see me in that. i did not let you see me in that. you don't get the pain. i am not like you. there are things wrong with me that i never need you to be exposed to. so please let us just be this. do not make this more. or maybe i am taking human decency as doing the absolute the most. i am an object. i know this. no one would ever want anything from me other than sex. i have tried to dispute this. to have faith in the way that love works. but after countless tries there is nothing that proves otherwise. do not treat me as if i am anything other than someone to have sex with. a girl like me sees a crumb and fantasizes about a buffet.

[catnherthoughts]

practicing gratitude 4/12

something just flipped in me again, as things do inside of ol me. i made a new playlist. my constant yearning is reflected in it obviously. the basic premise is to emulate waking up with someone you love. simple enough. i don't know why but it made me think of the bigger picture in a way. how i live my life now. how i sleep in the sun and feel it on my individual skin. how wonderful is that. while it is nice to enjoy those moments with someone else, i still love it just as much when i do it on my own. that brought to me a bigger thought. in all this time that i am longing for love, i am forgetting the love in my own life. the amount of love that radiates from me just living my own personal life. there will be a day where i am done with college. i won;t get these moments back and i spend the moments that i am here wishing it were something else. i can live without love. i can be happy without someone else. i brought myself up from nothing. when i was at my lowest i was the one who nurtured myself back to health. no one esle did that for me. would it be nice to have someone by my side, sure, i never said that would not be that case, but i need to put a lot more emphasis on how capable i am on my own. he won't fix my life because he hasn't before. i am the only one who has done that. when i look out my window =, i ponder the night that i first met him and someone when i would look outside with the other man. never do i think of the countless times that i sit with myself by this very window. i am a pure light. light doesn't always need to be reflected onto something, you can just look at its source and go... wow. i am capable, i am whole, i am BEAUTIFUL. not only beautiful on the outside but soooo wonderful as a person. i enjoy the arts and music and literature. i make others feel cared for. i can sit by myself and be entertained by own thoughts. i am also funny. i am easy to talk to and can connect with others so easily. I AM LOVE AND OTHERS CAN FEEL THAT. there are so many people that love me in so many ways. there is so much more to life than romantic love. to make my whole life about others is sacrificial in a way that is not self benefitting. sacrificial not in a way that jesus stood pinned to the cross. sacrificial not in killing a lamb for a god of personal choosing. that inflects onto ones self in a positive way. maybe i became the lamb. thinking that giving my life, soul, and body would be for a greater purpose when in the end i was just dead. sweetie pie is me. i am the only one of me. the only person on earth that can experience the world in the way that i do. sure other people can live my life the exact way that i do, but they would not be doing it as me, i should appreciate that more. the blessing it is to be me. and through gratitude i will live my life being more mindful. they did have a point. there is something to be said about advice and how we can only truly see it and its value after the fact. meditating and such. SITTING WITH MYSELF AND MY THOUGHTS!!! YAY!! i can caress my own face. touch myself with care and look into the mirror. give myself an adoring look. the one that when someone gives you, it makes you feel all gushy inside. i can make myself finish and i have more times than anyone on earth. if i can figure out the mechanics i can kiss myself. i am the same soft being made of the same materials as anyone who i've ever loved. i've looked into the most battered and broken people and found love, so it is time to turn that inward. loving and living life as miss myc

[catnherthoughts]

some gas rq 4/11

" a real man would get down on his hands and knees for me, then again that same man would be one i look down upon."

as i look down upon all men..

[catnherthoughts]

love letter for libra full moon 4/6

i love myself. i deserve a wonderful relationship and i and putting begging for love in the past. there are many people who are willing to love me the way i need. i should not settle for the bad because i think it’s all i can get. i will get the love i deserve. i can also get it from myself. if said person it’s being sub-par, i don’t need them. all the love i want from them is what i can give myself. so many people want to love me. i am love. for myself and others. a love bug personified. i love how pretty i am. i know i am the most beautiful being on earth. i love how i think. i can think about everything and anything. i love who i am as a person. i make myself happy. when i think of who i am i feel like sunlight is beaming through my chest. with this full moon and i releasing all that has proven to most serve me and move into a space where i love myself so much others are begging to do so aswell. <3

[catnherthoughts]

hmph 4/1

grief is such an odd feeling. you move past, go through the five stages all of that but being between the pain of loss and the joy of acceptance is confusing. I hope you're well but i don't know who you are anymore. i can see the moon but the sunlight is shining down on me. i hope you never have to think about anything as much as i think about this. right now i am living for the way the sun feels on me. its so wonderful. i wonder if we could have felt it together. i think about how we'll never be at my pool together basking in these same sun rays. i hope you can smile and be happy. i hope you enjoyed our time together. i can look back fondly on everything and just smile. i am pretty sure you are still a good person. you were kind to me in the moments we shared. im not sure what was going on but ill take it as an external issue. i know that in my heart i am the embodiment of love. i can find love in the sun. this is how i prosper. something about it makes me believe that this too will pass. and i am taking the time to learn about myself, love myself even more, and become better for the future (ahem ahem).

[catnherthoughts]

he was kissing another girl 4/1

i am not sure if i wrote about our meeting on wednesday. we talked about things and i left with a feeling in my heart that he is a good man. that after everything i knew he was a good man and he cared and we were friends. hilarious to me. maybe its just in my state of anger. i'm not even sure i should indulge in the rage. i sliced open my hands. the rage i had fr you and your actions spill out and onto myself as it does. i could have told you that you make me want to kill myself. i don't think that in a million years i could convey the burning in my chest you give me. you turn me into the female embodiment of fire. the anger that you left me with is one that is so familiar. i can make your life hell. maybe the rage is a reflection of the pain i feel. i am not a soft being for you anymore. you don't get to see the love in my soul anymore. you have made me cold. i can't see love in the sky anymore. i can't say that if i could i would cradle the child you once were and tell him how loved he would be. you don't deserve it. not even the little you. i've never seen you act like that. that was not the version of you that i once loved. someone and something changed you. was it me? did you want to provoke me? no. i know your mind space is not built in the shape of me like mine is of you. to think we could end on good terms. hilarious. i see the way you look at me. you could have asked if i was okay. you saw that i was in pain and you treated me like you barely knew me. that is not something a good person would do. i can't say that i'm proud of everything that i have done when i was drunk but i can say that it was always for or because of you. if you were better i'd be better. i would not have kissed men. i would not have cut myself. i would have been better. and then we could have actually ended on good terms. i can't defend you anymore. who are you? do you feel how my soul has left yours? do you regret not cherishing a love like mine. maybe not. i know i am a good person with a good heart. the reactions are purely based off of your actions. i could leak your address. i could be evil in its purest form. do you want to see how you've turned my heart cold. after i kissed him there was an incurable sense of pain and shame and guilt in my heart. because i still cared and i would never ever want to hurt you. i don't think that you feel that same way. i know that the way you reacted was based off of a trigger of past emotions wounds. that is why we ended. and i was grateful for that. because what we had was not healthy, but it will take time to drain the love for you i have in my heart. i just wanted to talk to you. is that too much to ask. i just wanted to say im sorry for some things. do you feel sorry? i am not sure if you feel that emotion for us. i wonder what you think of us. what you think of me. i did all i could for us. i loved you. I LOVED YOU. i loved who you were. everything that you were was a lovable to me. and you... you! you make me feel like i am undeserving of love in this life. i am not sure to do with all of this emotion. i have about 20 playlists about you. how sad is it that we have to end like this? i could go onto other men and think of you when i kiss them, sure. but i don't think i can take it. so now i just feel a bit empty. but my soul is filled with every negative emotion. or maybe right now i am feeling a bit numb. its about 7 am and i am looking out my window and thinking about the night we met. we looked out this same window on this same bed and talked about the people that all live here and the view from my room. maybe at the end of the day i should appreciate what we had. the more i try to cling onto it the sharper it gets and it cuts me a bit more every time. maybe the resentment that you hold towards me is a reflection of discontent you have with yourself. i have never seen you with that many girls. huh. i don't think i should have believed you when you said you could not pull. whatever. i hope you find love somewhere else. it is not mine but that is what you decided you wanted. i know i will.

i will find love within myself. i will cradle myself. i will hug myself and cry. i will mourn us but know there is nothing left to go back to. i will move on.

[catnherthoughts]

today and then its done 3/29

okay so today i get my thing back. we are gonna meet, i assume he is coming over, and he is gonna give me it back. I have no clue how he feels at all and i am nervous. what does he think its gonna be? that would help me not freak tf out. I am pretty so its okay. What if he asks about bill. i was only thinking of you while i was kissing him (horrible ik). ahhhh. idk idk. what if he wants me back. do i want a freaky deaky moment? man... THIS IS SO HARD. i want to ask how he is. i wonder if he thinks about me at all. i don't think he does. i mean maybe he does? he is a very busy man with many things going on so i do not think that he has the time for me to be on his mind. plus he ended things so like it makes sense. i would like to thank him because our situation was doomed for failure. i'd still hit tho. BRAHHHHH. i am so nervous and i think i should make a playlist about this. hmmm. FUTURE. i will listen to future and just like live my goddamn life. I ama writer. I am a philospher. I am catheryn mychelle and I am whole on my own. I don't need him. he was nice and we had a nice time together but we are done and this is simply a business exchange. i have been working on me. i just need to get over this break up and then I will be okay. its just a bit hard because it's not in the way i'm used to. even if i tried to get over him in the way i got over the one before him and the one before that one, he would just not get out of my mind. Now its just a few hours before i see him and i feel like there are jumping beans in my soul. i can't cry in my english class but im so nervous. it does not matter and it will be brief anf i will get my closure and then we will all be okay. i will be over this soon enough.

[catnherthoughts]

lesbian?

my roommate confronted me with the idea that I mat be lesbian and I have no idea how to feel about it. like, i don't like me that like me back but when a man doesn't like me i am obsessed with them. if i healed the trauma with kayla would I even want to be with a boy? i dont know and this is scary. especially with her not liking me anymore again its just like brah wtf. I honestly am very scared I could be. i ahd sucha big crush on loopet but now that he likes me the feelings have gone away. ben 10 roams my mind insanely because we left thigns but when we were talking everyday i considered dropping him. but when we were talking everyday I loved it and i loved the time that we spent together. I look back on our memories very fondly. he made me happy right??? RIGHT??? GUYS WHAT THE HECK. am i a lesbian??? i think i liked him yeah I really do think that i liked him. like i thought he was pretty to look at. and i liked him for who he was as a person. and i thought he was a good guy.I AM PRETTY FUFKMING SURE THAT I LIKED HIm. okay yeah. i liked him. and the sex wasa great and i liked it. men are gross are sometimes but thats everyone. i dont like a good amount of women too. but does every woman have flaws? actually yes. so then i can say i am not a lesbian. wow. W O W. Some things he did were ewlk but things are ewlk about everyone right??? well nothign was like that about kayla but we were in a long term relationship and the abuse we shared was ewlk. but there was nothing about her that i could look back on and say was gross or weird or that I didn't like. she never gave me the ick. but straight girls get the ick all the time. maybe the icks would not matter if we dated for longer. ben10 is my only example tho because we were the only ones to share the amount of what we had together. lawn was out of being insanely horny. goof manipulated me. brazil was just a hookup and i did not like him. so there is only ben 10. he was sweet and kind and occupies all the thoughts so i liked him. and that i s that. I AM NOT A LESBIAN.

[catnherthoughts]

— Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals