cayennexpepper - Tumblr blog

[cayennexpepper]

Honestly, Mondays aren't too bad sometimes..

Today was such a good day. I'm so in love with my life right now. My job, my boyfriend, my car... I'm finally feeling good. I wish I was good at doing my own hair, though. My brain is kind of scrambled right now because the head of my department is on vacation, therefore, it's all me. I'm a tad stressed, BUT I'm hanging in there.

I love my life, though.

[cayennexpepper]

Hello, it's been a while.

Few updates:

Dad is alive and well, doing great, almost back to normal.

I have a new car because the frame on my old one broke unfortunately.

I have a new job which is WAY FREAKING BETTER.

AND ya girl got a new boyfriend 🥰

Anyways, hopefully I will start posting more regularly and let everything inside my brain out. I am super happy lately so we'll see how it goes.

[cayennexpepper]

Y'all, dating 2022 is fucked. I meet a guy, he's great, he's perfect, AND THEN he screws me over. Ugh I'm so over it. I just wanna be happy. I feel like someone good is coming, but I'm so tired of waiting.

[cayennexpepper]

Hello, everyone!

Okay, wow it has been a long time since I have been so happy. I have been talking to this guy, and he is the sweetest human I have ever met. I cannot wait to see where this goes :)

[cayennexpepper]

Hello again.

I have had a rough 2022 this far, but I think I'm ready to turn myself around. I do think venting in here will help me figure out my mental health and navigate my emotions. I need to fix my brain, I need to get my weight under control, and I need to learn to be healthier overall.

So here we go.

[cayennexpepper]

Hello again.

Sorry for ghosting, Tumblr. I have been going through a lot. So, to the imaginary people who read this, bear with me.

Today I have a certain person on my mind, I know it's hard to follow where I am with all the people I address in these posts but 🤷🏻‍♀️ here's a letter I want to send to someone but can't.

Hey,

I miss you. I know you hate when I say that because you think it means I want to be snuggled up in your bed, but I miss your presence. I miss getting your random texts in the middle of the night when you're drunk and sad. I miss being able to tell you all the things inside my head and never feeling judged. I miss the way you'd look at me like I was the only person in the room. I miss visiting you at work, and you grabbing my side when you walked by. I do miss being snuggled up in your bed, though. I miss feeling your hands on my face. I miss the way you'd ask me questions to keep me talking. I miss the way you laugh at everything I say, even when it's stupid and not actually funny. I miss the way you'd ask me if i liked your haircut, or noticed you'd been working out. I miss everything, from the random dirty looks, to the kisses that made everything disappear. The thing is, I'm in love with you. I am. I don't know what you want me to do with that. You feel like home to me. You feel safe. You are my favorite person on this earth, but you don't want me. You never wanted me. You just wanted sex. Maybe all this other stuff was in my head, but you know there were times that you were possessive over me. You know that when you're drunk, I'm the one you think about. You know that when you don't see me for a while, you start feeling down. I know how to make you laugh, and you can't deny that.

Sincerely,

Me.

[cayennexpepper]

I am sad today.

I feel like I'm never good enough for anyone. As much as I'd like to be like "my brain is wrong, I'm enough" I just don't feel like I am. I just want to find my person. I want to be in love and happy, and I people to stop telling me that every guy I meet must have a wife somewhere. It's frustrating and unhelpful, and I already don't trust people.

I'm just sad today.

[cayennexpepper]

I made an executive decision.

I don't think I'm going to post Saturday and Sunday. I just like to sleep. And honestly when you look at these, it doesn't even matter when they're posted lol. I'm sure occasionally I'll do them on the weekends, but for now, I'm not forcing myself.

[cayennexpepper]

I'm so glad this week is over.

That's all I got. That's the whole post.

[cayennexpepper]

Today was hard.

Last week, I found out my dad was in the hospital with Covid and pneumonia. Today, I was told he's been put on a ventilator. He just turned 60 on Monday. He spent his 60th birthday in the hospital. Alone. Now, he's on a ventilator. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. I'm trying to not think the worst, but goodness gracious, I just don't wanna lose my dad. This is hard.

Today was hard.

[cayennexpepper]

Guess who's back!

It's me. Sorry, I know, super lame. BUT I am no longer feeling sick or exhausted. I'm going to TRY to post earlier in the evening as opposed to the middle of the night. I know my many fans (lol all none of you) will appreciate it.

For this post, I'm going to write a letter to my current crush:

Dear Crush,

I am confused. You say you enjoy speaking with me, but I am often left without a response. Am I just being paranoid? I feel myself being annoying, but I can't tell if it bothers you because you don't ever mention it. You say you'll see me again, and you kiss me goodbye, but I still don't know what we are. I'm just confused. If you just want to be friends, that's cool, but I need an answer. No reason to leave me in the dark. I'm a pretty understanding person once I have all the information. You make me feel at peace when we're together, but them I'm left wondering what's going on. When you kiss me, it's like there is nothing else in the world that matters. You are a safe place for me.

Love,

Me

Now that that's over, I'm going to crawl into a hole of paranoia and self care. I need to bleach mustache and chin hair.

[cayennexpepper]

My legs are hurting:

Idk if anyone reads my posts, but I am feeling under the weather. Probably going to be a few days before I'm doing this consistently.

[cayennexpepper]

I took a little break:

I took this weekend to myself. I mean, I just did what I wanted. I'm exhausted. I need to figure out..everything. I'm so tired of feeling like I'm in the dark haha.

[cayennexpepper]

Wow, I haven't posted before midnight, like, at all this week lol.

I have a problem. Idk what I'm doing anymore. There's a guy who I liked who seemingly wants all my attention now, and then a guy who has my attention who I haven't had a chance to hang out with. I'm a mess. I wish men would just like y'know read my mind lol.

[cayennexpepper]

I was exhausted all of today.

I can't wait until I can sleep in every day. It's going to be a long time before I can do that. Before that happens, there are a few things that could help:

- a man cuddling me

- not having to work

- both

But alas, I'm just alone in bed again with work to wake up for.

[cayennexpepper]

Today sucked.

I'm so done with people telling me to stand up for myself and then getting mad at me for it. I'm so tired. People are so annoying.

Anyways, that was a short rant.

[cayennexpepper]

I didn't forget!

I'm just late. BUT I have the best reason. I was getting laid lmao. I definitely told myself I wouldn't be doing that until I'm in a committed relationship, but it's okay. I'm justifying it on the grounds that I've slept with him before so it doesn't count. Remember that letter to the man I love I wrote? WELL, it was him. Long story short, I still don't know how to say no.

I also think I may have met someone who could possibly fit right into my missing piece. Might fuck around and see if he wants to hang out.

I'll keep whoever actually reads these, updated.