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[cazicazi]

these dreams in my head force me to stay awake

i want to sleep but i can’t put myself into a relaxed state, all i can think of are things to do. the craziest part is that these things are so monumentally difficult to do but i can’t stop thinking and planning. 

i can’t sleep because i’m too busy dreaming, god damn that’s a fucking cliche if i’ve ever heard of one.

[cazicazi]

It’s hard to push forward but seeing old posts of myself (2-4 years ago) gives me hope and helps me notice that I really haven’t been myself in a few years....

that’s fine but I have to progress and move forward in trying to find myself again. I used to be so optimistic and excited about the future, but somewhere in that time I slumped into such a massive depression and ultimately such bad feelings of nihilism.... 

It’s okay, I just have to keep moving forward. 

[cazicazi]

even after a bad breakup and even having to go to a College over another one I wanted to attend, I will not be broken. No matter how hurt I get, I will get up. I will put aside this sadness and ultimately this disgusting nihilism and I will get a grasp on myself and life. Getting cheated on and all, I will not fall to these sad emotions. I will become better as a person and my personality will flourish. 

I will rise, and I will shine brighter than ever.

I like that name now, Shine. No matter what happens to me, no matter how badly I get hurt, I will shine. I will succeed and I will be happy.

[cazicazi]

reasons to live: 

- to plan and save up for my trip to Japan 

- to keep advancing my education so I can be smart enough and land a neat job

- so I could work that said job in hopefully Shibuya and live my life in Japan

- the cuteness that is the awkward feeling of meeting new people and seeing them light up with conversation 

- to one day own a dog and treat it like royalty 

- to find my soulmate and surprise them consistently with how much I love them 

- to play all the new video games that are going to be released

- to help produce something revolutionary with the coding skills I’ll acquire in the future

- to land a job in the very near future and plan my first trip to Japan/buy clothes/buy video games

- to feel the amazing feeling which comes from passing a class or earning high grades

- to go on sappy dates with someone or even sappy hangouts with friends/new friends in the future

- to begin my hobby of photography and capture all of my memories in photographic form

- to create music for myself, whether it be some dumb piano music or even funny trap music

there’s more to come, I feel awful but I need to kick the nihilism out of myself. life isn’t pointless. I will achieve great things. I will be happy and be loved. 

[cazicazi]

I feel with every waking second I’m just wasting time. Every second I’m not in Japan or at college working towards that goal, I feel like existing feels so exhausting. Every time I watch a J-vlog or see any youtube related media, I get really sad and envious. Specifically watching people having the opportunity studying abroad in Japan during their high school years makes me so envious. I have one or two years until I’m even able to plan my study abroad and I’m already 20 years old, so I feel like I just don’t have any time left. I feel so lost, I feel like I need guidance. Every second that I’m not working to that goal or physically being there, I feel incredibly depressed. Sorry for the ramble, it’s hard to keep going. 

[cazicazi]

[cazicazi]

[cazicazi]

in the future i will stop looking for people that aren’t in my life anymore

[cazicazi]

12/02/15

Whether it be winter induced sadness or actual pent up sadness, there will be negativity on this post without a doubt. 

I spend a lot of time thinking about the person I want to be and become. You’d think this would allow me to think about what roads I want to take for the future but I just end up at the same destination every time, sadness. 

I think way too much about how my life would be if it weren’t for many factors involved. What would I be if I had supportive parents? What if said parents still loved each other and never split up? What if my family stayed higher-middle/high class instead of plummeting to this bad financial we’ve been in for so long. 

Of course I also become appreciative because the polar opposite thoughts come to mind as well. What if I was in a first world country? What if I was starving and homeless? Abandoned and waiting to die? 

Although I just end up in disappointment and anger every time because all of the above fixes none of my issue. All the money I’ll end up owing in student loans won’t be paid by these sad feelings nor will the payments I will have to make soon for school. It won’t pay for the clothes that I want or the food that I wish I ate everyday. 

That is why suicidal/negative thoughts come up. Why even bother, you know? 

[cazicazi]

9.15.15

I think I am carefully planning out my future, ever so slowly but the process is happening. I hope I can write more because one day it would be great to look back. 

The plan I have currently is studying at community college while I work to raise money for a car and to move in with a friend in Texas. It would grant me easier time to get into the University of Texas at Austin and from there I think I can try to launch myself into a successful future. 

It won’t be easy but I hope I can at least do that. I get housing and food if I live with my friend which is such a good option. Plus I think it’s about time I think about moving out at the age of 19, start living life and such. I say that even though I’m majoring in programming which in result will keep me around the internet.  One last thing, even though I do plan to move soon I just found a new friend group in my part of the state and it’s going to feel a bit sad to leave them. We all bonded and met through Smash 4 and it’s going to be a bittersweet goodbye to them and the amazingly competitive region of south Florida. I hope I can bring all the training with me to Texas to further bettering myself. 

[cazicazi]

[cazicazi]

[cazicazi]

[cazicazi]

“May you never forget me?”

[cazicazi]

[cazicazi]

Stacks of You By Daehyun Kim

[cazicazi]

9.9.15

I have been feeling stressed out about how I feel about my life and where I currently am. 

Tomorrow I think I will look up scholarship opportunities alongside with practicing some coding and piano. I will reward myself after with Smash Bros. and netflix, I want to change the life I live to the life I want.