celestiadreamer

[celestiadreamer]

Due to personal reasons, I'll be passing away.

[celestiadreamer]

“I’m okay now.” She said. Her thin summer dress with flowers printed on it was soaked in water. Her dark brown curly hair spread like thick threads on the surface of the cold blue water. The sky was cloudy with no trace of sunshine and there seemed to be some rain falling on her face. But you couldn’t really tell.

She lay frozen in the ice cold sea, the waves still as never before. She looked at the sky and smiled for the first time in years. Her warm tears mixed with the water on her face. She felt her heart stop beating. She felt the blood go blue in her veins. She felt her skin turn white. She felt herself fading away. No sign. No trace. She said, “I’m okay now.”

[celestiadreamer]

2020 taught me what is bittersweet actually means but also thank you for that tho.

[celestiadreamer]

and the universe said, "i love you".

[celestiadreamer]

What I want to say to you,

I hold secret.

The fear of losing you,

is greater than the joy of having you.

I'm not sure when the scale tipped without favor,

I am certain this scale is frightening.

Always walking on eggshells,

I try to crack smiles,

scrambled feelings has my yoke hard boiled.

Not soiled.

I try to guard myself from over medium feelings,

but here I am;

pouring, bleeding.

[celestiadreamer]

Once again, saya tidak kuat.

Tuhan, saya sudah tidak kuat.

[celestiadreamer]

the best closure is knowing that you know you tried your best

[celestiadreamer]

speak out.

"when you tryna speak out but nobody hears a word"

Lagu ini mengingatkan saya pada saya yang kemarin, saya yang penuh dengan ketakutan.

Ketakutan apabila saya 'speak out', :

Saya dikira berbohong

Saya akan dicap buruk atau apapun yang sekiranya jelek

Saya akan disalahkan padahal di posisi ini saya hanyalah korban.

Tidak ada yang peduli.

Tidak ada yang menganggap penting.

Tapi semua pikiran buruk saya ini akhirnya bisa dimusnahkan. Segala ketakutan-ketakutan saya di atas ternyata hanyalah sekedar buah hasil dari 'overthinking' saya.

Ketika semua terasa berat, dan akhirnya saya mencoba 'speak out', yang saya terima justeru banyak doa, dukungan, dan dorongan agar saya tetap bertahan hidup. Banyak kasih sayang dan cinta yang saya terima, sunggu benar-benar 180 derajat dari ekspektasi saya.

Ternyata benar kata seseorang, pikiran kitalah yang membunuh kita perlahan.

Dari cerita di atas, saya percaya bahwa di dunia ini masih banyak orang baik, di dunia ini masih banyak yang mau mendengar dan dari cerita ini juga saya belajar, "speak out" adalah kunci dari masalah ini. Setidaknya dengan "speak out" kita bisa belajar menerima, setidaknya dengan "speak out" kita mendapatkan doa-doa baik dari orang lain, dan setidaknya dengan "speak out" kita dapat menemukan jawaban dari segala kegelisahan.

[celestiadreamer]

“menulislah dan jangan bunuh diri.”

—theoresia rumthe

[celestiadreamer]

to my youth.

At some point, I used to wish I would disappear from this world

The whole world seemed so dark and I cried every night

Will I feel better if I just disappeared?

I was so afraid of everyone's eyes on me

During those beautifully beautiful days, I was in pain

I hated myself for not being able to receive love

My mom and my dad, they're only looking at me

It's not how I really feel but I keep getting farther away

What should I do?

They said time is medicine was really true for me

As the days went by, I really got better

But sometimes, when I'm too happy, I'm afraid I'll be in pain again

I'm afraid that someone will take away this happiness

Those beautifully beautiful memories were so painful

I was hurting and hurting but the pain wouldn't go away

My friends, all these people, they're only looking at me

This isn't how I really am but I keep getting farther away

But still, maybe I can be

A bright light in this world

Maybe after all of that pain

I can shortly shine a light

So I couldn't give up

I couldn't fall asleep peacefully for a single night

Because maybe if I keep trying to get up like this

I will find myself

How painful must it have been?

How painful must it have been?

How high must my hopes have been?

[celestiadreamer]

Tuhan, saya sudah tidak kuat.

[celestiadreamer]

"You make me hard,

but she makes me weak"

Potongan lirik dari lagu ini membuat saya percaya akan kalau cinta sejati itu ada.

Manusia memang tidak didesain untuk monogami, walaupun sudah memiliki pasangan, secara alamiah kita akan tertarik pada orang lain yang dilihat lebih menarik dari pasangan kita. Itu alami, naluriah kita sebagai seorang manusia.

Definisi orang setia bagi saya bukan orang yang tidak akan tertarik pada orang lain dan hanya melihat saya seorang tapi orang setia adalah bagaimana ia bisa tetap atau bertahan memilih saya di antara banyaknya pilihan.

Dari kutipan di atas pun saya belajar :

"sex is cool but have you ever been love?

HAHAHA.

yang satu ini saya bercanda.

[celestiadreamer]

A bulletpoint list of things I want to say to you:

• I miss you.

• I will always miss you.

• You’re still the only one I want to talk to about most things and the only one who understands. But it’s kind of hard to tell things to people who aren’t there anymore.

• I guess the fact I’m writing this and will never send it shows how not-over-you I am but I also guess that you already know that too.

• I see beautiful bits of you everywhere and in everyone, and it’s like seeing home when you’re in a different country because you feel so f*****g far away.

• Sometimes that makes me want to cry because I want to put all of those pieces together and sew them up and hold you but I lost that chance the day you decided you didn’t need me anymore.

• I’ve never really been sure where it went wrong. One moment we were inseparable and the next I was oceans away.

• Once you asked me what made me need you. I still don’t know the answer. I still need you.

• People tell you you grow from pain but that’s a lie. You grow from accepting that life is bullshit but you’re better than that. And I’ve been trying to tell myself for years now that I can do this; I will make my own happiness; I will be whole again. I will not let myself regret these years because of you.

• More than anything, I hope you’re happy.

I still sleep with my window open—maybe my dreams will still make their way to you across the world.