ceveah

[ceveah]

Do you ever get to that point in your life where you sit and think about the path you are taking? This is me right now and from what I can see I’m not happy but then I’m also confused, I’ve been on my “happy pill” for almost a week just because I’ve run out and it’s not been processed at the pharmacy yet but my lord am I feeling the effects already!

I don’t want to be dependant on a pill to feel like a normal person but my mind and emotions are everywhere if I’m not taking them!

What do I do? I’m getting angry so fast with things that I would usually let slip and my mind is going wild even as I’m typing this! Is the pill just masking who I truly am? I don’t even know who or what type of person I am anywhere and I put that down to becoming a mum but when that happened was also the time I started on medication!

If anybody had any words of wisdom on figuring life out please send them my way!

X

[ceveah]

When your good mood gets shat on by the person that’s supposed to support you 🙃

[ceveah]

I am not what happened to me, not anymore!

Its funny isn't it how your mind can convince you that you have healed? I thought after all the counselling and CBT that I was finally okay and healing that my childhood was no longer controlling my life but oh how wrong I was!

I've never been fully diagnosed just told after my first child that I was suffering with Post natal depression and then a few years later in my CBT session that I have PTSD which I always thought you had to had seen some awful things to be diagnosed but that isn't true in fact i had seen awful things maybe not things such as murder or physical violence but I had lost important people and had been let down by family and even abused for years unknowingly, all up until I had been in a counselling session in year 6 and sexual assault had been spoken about from another member who was struggling, we were all young and its awful to think back now and I had no idea that it was wrong this person was supposed to be family and trusted and thankfully we didn't see them often as who knows what could have happened but all I know is that what did happen was enough to scar me for life and keep it a secret for around 18 years, I felt so ashamed!

for years I kept silent as I didn't think anyone would believe me and when it finally did come out a few people didn't but thankfully not important people at that point in my life anyway but unfortunately the only reason the truth came out was because it wasn't the last time and in the end it all got far too much for me to handle alone..

I'm really not a writer as I'm sure you can tell but there is something so peaceful about writing everything down and its like I can sit here and type all my anger and hurt out for possibly nobody to see but still its like a sudden weight lifted off my shoulders, maybe someone will see this and maybe not but if you do and you feel like you need to talk please don't hesitate to contact me!

I'll be here to listen I went many years just wishing someone was there to talk to

x

[ceveah]

Who am I now?

I have now hit that point of motherhood where my youngest will be starting nursery soon and as far as it looks I won't be having anymore children (I would have 1 more if it was my choice)

I turned 27 in January and its now hit me that I have no skills to walk into a full time job unless it is customer service based as I've worked in a restaurant/pub ever since I was 18 and went on to have my first son at 20 and then continued with restaurants part time.

The whole reason I am even writing this now is because I was looking for a job which ended up stressing me out so then I thought why not start a blog to just vent my frustrations and also see if anybody feels the same and maybe share stories!

I just feel so lost at the minute and really my youngest doesn't need to start until September 2022 as he is an October baby so it hurts to think about putting him in early as his brother is also an October baby and was home with me for 3 and a half years but our financial situation isn't great and I feel like I need to contribute more than what my part time hours gives me.

Lockdown had really taken a toll on us both financially and mentally and made me think about a lot of things which I think I will be working on for many month to come and some may even be a huge change for me and my family but now is the time for me to make the effort to make the changes necessary for a happy life for my boys...