chadelliottfahlman

[chadelliottfahlman]

Here is a story my uncle passed on to me over birthday brew. Years ago when the going rate for a bottle of beer was $2.50 Canadian, he and a friend popped into the recently opened Moxie's for a drink. "$4.50, gentlemen," said the server. My uncle looked at him indignantly. "Forget it. We don't pay double for a beer." "I'm sorry but the bottles are already open," their server responded with a sneer. After much arguing back and forth my uncle requested to speak with the manager. "Now see here," he began, "Our lips have not even kissed the mouth of the bottle." Indifferent, the manager recited the same line all his staff were trained to, "The caps are already off. I'm sorry. You cannot have your money back." Now, upon a cursory glance at my uncle you may in your heart of hearts judge him a crass individual. He makes his simple living by toiling under the sun, carrying on our family's farming tradition. Numerous tattoos, a formidable beard, leather attire, and a collection of Harley's may impress on you the notion that he rides with the Angels. The truth is he is a very patient man yet retains a natural sense of justice which has gotten him into conflicts on several occasions. Had their servers attitude been less arrogant I'm sure what happened next would have never occurred. Seemingly defeated, my uncle slammed a ten dollar bill on the table. "Okay, we'll have another round." With a smug look no doubt, the server brought them two freshly cracked bottles of Molson. As he reached for the ten, my uncle snatched it from under his nose. He stuffed the bill into his coat pocket, waited until he had the managers attention, and emptied the contents of both bottles onto the bar counter. Then, he glanced at the server and said, "Tell your manager he can't have his beer back either."

[chadelliottfahlman]

Accurately depicting a personality unlike your own is the mark of a truly great story teller. But, how can a reader laud an author for accuracy without picking up a history book/memoir or interacting with the personality in question? I believe readers who are themselves those characters most appreciate an observant writer.

[chadelliottfahlman]

Could someone tell me if this sounds like Snagglepuss? I'm writing a book where he co-hosts a fight between Iron Man & Scrooge McDuck. Fanfiction authors eat your heart out.

From the episode Live and Lion "G'd mornin' day, a creature h'unafraid. Because as the sign says: Duck huntin' season opens todaay, An' thereisn't a feather on mee. So, me'thinks I'll bag me a covie-a-quaill. For breakfassst. Or a patridge, even! But first, let's see what the mail bringethhh"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=udVCwQzRl2I

[chadelliottfahlman]

"With your money and my expertise we can do anything." -Original quote by Joe Hadesbeck

[chadelliottfahlman]

this is beautiful

[chadelliottfahlman]

90% of writing a Cracked article is researching bullshit.

[chadelliottfahlman]

Good thing he uses that all the time.

If Batman’s so smart why doesn’t he build a fucking Iron Man suit?

[chadelliottfahlman]

If Batman's so smart why doesn't he build a fucking Iron Man suit?

[chadelliottfahlman]

The following is Part 6 of the series ‘6 Timeless Fictional Heroes (That Are Author Surrogates)’, originally written and pitched to the editors of Cracked.com by Chad Elliott Fahlman.

#5 David Copperfield

"Oh I know this one! The guy that made the Statue of Liberty disappear, right?"

“I’m about to make your teeth disappear.” –Charles Dickens, Author of the book David Copperfield

You know, Dickens – the guy who pretty much saved Christmas? He’s the man responsible for your favorite sitcoms featuring an episode about three ghosts outside of the Halloween season. Dickens wrote 12 bestselling novels during his lifetime, one among them about titular Copperfield’s coming-of-age in 19th century Great Britain.

David Copperfield, Otherwise Titled: My Shitty Childhood

During Dickens’ time if you were one of the lucky contestants who regularly evaded loan collectors your family won an all-inclusive trip to debtor’s prison. That is precisely where 12-year-old Dickens’ winds up on behalf of his father. Hey, maybe Holden Caulfield was his descendant (See Part2). Even so, prison means nothing to Charles so long as he has the company of his delightful parents. He deems his mother a slightly less delightful, however (A total bitch), after she sends him to work a tedious role pasting labels on boot blacking bottles which, given the era, probably meant he was nightmarishly high. To be fair, my reaction to forced child labor would have been the same as begrudgingly necessary adult labor.

“That’s what the tooth fairy is for! Incidentally, Dickens helped with my recent exchange.”

Copperfield and Dickens notably both attended schools with cruel headmasters, but when David’s biological mother dies, his step-father arranges employment at a sweatshop which he owns. Fortunately David is introduced to the whimsical yet debt-ridden Mr. and Mrs. Micawber who shelter David as their renter. The Micawber’s act as David’s surrogate parents, teaching him important virtues such as good humor and leaching off the system. As respective adults, Copperfield and Dickens follow the same career paths, law and then journalism, until finally settling on financially sound position of author.

Because the novel couldn’t have left it at that and needed further conflict, David is introduced to his pampered wife-to-be, Dora Spenlow. Despite her powerful father’s threats to send Dora abroad, the two wed and live happily ever after. The End.

…

Wait! No they don’t! Dora demonstrates shittier work ethic and housekeeping than the Micawbers. Fortunately, Dicken’s ‘tactfully’ kills her off, thereby inventing the formula for modern soap operas. It is likely he could not draw from any more source material. Scholars believe Dickens ill fated teenage romancing of Maria Beadnell inspired Dora Spenlow’s character. Maria’s father makes good on a promise to send his flirtatious and childish daughter overseas. Dickens may have been revisiting his infatuation and wondering what could have been.

“Day 364: Meatloaf still shitty.”

[chadelliottfahlman]

The following is Part 5 of the series ‘6 Timeless Fictional Heroes (That Are Author Surrogates)’, originally written and pitched to the editors of Cracked.com by Chad Elliott Fahlman.

#5 Paul Baumer

Saturday morning cartoons have long indoctrinated children with the notion that war is a glamorous and rousing affair. Our general acceptance of this is evident in cultures worldwide. Which playground sandbox hasn’t served as battlefield and subsequent burial ground for impossibly masculine commando Barbies?

But those men and women who experience actual combat often paint a different picture. Point in case, Paul Baumer of Erich Maria Remarque’s historical fiction, All Quiet on the Western Front, found supporting the war effort with catchy bumper stickers a heckuvalot easier than fighting in the trenches. Shockingly, unlike the cartoons, enemy fire was decently accurate and people actually died. Having voluntarily enlisted for WWI’s Central Powers at the urging of their professor, most of Paul’s classmates in fact perish over the course of the novel.

It’s at this point Paul can no longer function accordingly outside of combat. In order to survive life on the front line Paul has had to clench his cheeks, stick out his chest, and disregard any flowery social niceties. And, yes, dear readers, even bat an eye at the ever humorous dick joke! Meanwhile, Paul’s family and friends cannot believe the war is less awesome than German propaganda had led them to believe.

"What about all the American booty!?"

Although the story is narrated in first-person, the epilogue, inserted by a mysterious third-person (probably his ghost), is a brief military report summarizing Paul’s death and resultant impact: All quiet on the Western Front.

A ‘Remarque’ About the Authorship

Paul Baumer’s fate in All Quiet on the Western Front may have been the sweet release author Erich Remarque was himself seeking. The novel is almost a play by play account of Remarque’s own romp through the blood puddles and barbed wire of WWI. Prior to entering hell, both Paul and Erich naively enjoyed catching small fish, observing butterflies, and playing piano. Erich indeed considered a career as a pianist until shrapnel wounds above his right wrist, neck, and knee thwarted any ambition. Paul is hospitalized with a similar condition.

"♫Germany, Germany above everything, above every-FUCK I'VE BEEN HIT!"

Because the literary gods figured Erich had not suffered enough, we learn the shadow of their cancerous mothers loom over both of them. To make events truly Shakespearean, Erich carries his injured friend Troske out of enemy fire only to be devastated at news of his death by unnoticed shrapnel wounds. This mirrors Paul’s vain attempt at saving his mentor and father figure Stanislaus Katczinsky.

Though all looks grim for Erich you shouldn’t get too bummed out. All Quiet on the Western Front propelled Remarque to literary fame and financial success. He spent the rest of his days driving fast cars and dating leggy dames.

"Which compensates for being unable to take a few practice shots if you catch my drift."

[chadelliottfahlman]

The following is Part 4 of the series ‘6 Timeless Fictional Heroes (That Are Author Surrogates)’, originally written and pitched to the editors of Cracked.com by Chad Elliott Fahlman.

#4 Allan Quatermain

Audiences may remember Quatermain from thrilling motion picture, Plagiarism Jones and the Formulaic Plot. An undying archetype, Allan Quatermain first appeared in H. Rider Haggard's, King Solomon's Mines, and has been ripped off ever since. But, where does one initially construct an archetype? Did Quatermain spring fully formulated from Haggard's imagination? Ohoho, I think you still give authors far too much credit.

H. Rider 'Mary Sue' Haggard

"I always find it easy to write of Allan Quatermain, who, after all, is only myself set in a variety of imagined situations, thinking my thoughts and looking at life through my eyes."

-Days of My Life, H. Rider's Autobiography

In 1875 Haggard's father sent him to South Africa, where he spent four years not dying mapping the continent, hunting putty tats, and fighting in the Zulu and Boer wars. In a period where archeologists were rediscovering lost civilizations, diving into Pharaoh McDuck's ancient coin basin was a hypothetical possibility. South Africa too was a mysterious blank spot on atlases, and Europeans were gullible enough to devour most tall tales you fed them.

"Africa: A land flowing with menthol and honey!"

Assuming writing about oneself is considered original, H. Rider Haggard does have the honor of coming closest to pulling an original character of out his ass. King Solomon's Mines took at most sixteen weeks to write and became 1885's best seller, inadvertently starting a new genre.

[chadelliottfahlman]

The following is Part 3 of the series ‘6 Timeless Fictional Heroes (That Are Author Surrogates)’, originally written and pitched to the editors of Cracked.com by Chad Elliott Fahlman.

#3 Dorian Gray

Oscar Fingal O'Flahertie Wills Wilde's, The Picture of Dorian Gray, opens with artist Basil Hallward and his jolly old hedonist friend Lord Henry admiring Basil's latest masterpiece, a painting of titular Gray. Fixated on his Sean Connery-esque good looks and magnetic personality, Basil invites Dorian to model daily. In-between posing for Basil, Lord Henry advises Dorian lead a fratboys life of amoral debauchery, lest his youth go to waste. Realizing that without beauty he'd offer society as much as an adopted Kardashian, Dorian offhandedly remarks, "Wouldn't it be bitchin' if this painting got all decrepit and gross instead of me?"

Spoiler Warning: The painting gets all decrepit and gross instead of Dorian.

Exploiting his new found immortality Dorian embarks on a mission to better humanity sex everything that moves. Dorian's portrait gradually transforms from Jekyll to Hyde with every thrust of his pelvis. Unable to bear the full weight of his innumerable sexual diseases staring him down, Dorian makes a postmodernal incision, resulting unfortunately in his rapid aging and demise. The coroner declares the incident, 'death by poetic justice.'

  Dorian Gray: Oscar Wilde (more) derailed

Oscar Wilde was 19th century Europe's largest proponent of the philosophy that life imitates art while simultaneously disproving it. The Picture of Dorian Gray unsurprisingly distressed then extensively conservative reviewers to such a degree that a handful suggested Wilde be held legally accountable for his work. You can bet that in 1895 when Wilde was on trial for playing both sides of the fence, prosecution ripped into his novels 'implied' homoerotic content. Basil Hallward recounts Dorian's conquests, “There was that wretched boy in the Guards who committed suicide. You were his great friend. There was Sir Henry Ashton, who had to leave England, with a tarnished name. You and he were inseparable.”

"There were those detectives who were totally just friends..."

Of course, fiction has no precedence in a court of law and doesn't necessarily prove Wilde and Dorian are one in the same - except for when Wilde explicitly states they absolutely are. Concerned his piece isn't Wilde enough, the author wrote himself into the novel as three main characters. In a response to a fan letter Wilde admits: "Basil Hallward is what I think I am: Lord Henry is what the world thinks me: Dorian is what I would like to be -- in other ages, perhaps".

"Dorian?"

[chadelliottfahlman]

The following is Part 2 of the series ‘6 Timeless Fictional Heroes (That Are Author Surrogates)’, originally written and pitched to the editors of Cracked.com by Chad Elliott Fahlman.

#2 Holden Caulfield

Caulfield is literatures Patron Saint of whiny rich white teenagers. 'Hero' to J.D. Salinger's novel and assassination trigger, Catcher in the Rye, seventeen year-old Holden reminisces on his delinquency in New York City, after expulsion from private school, Pencey Prep. Hypocrite Holden is cavillous of mankind’s supposed insincerity, labeling everything and everyone 'phony.' Exhausted by society’s harsh expectations, Holden flips a big middle finger to fiscal responsibility and decides it will be his life’s work to save children from the realities of adulthood. Scholars have studied Holden's fragmented, grammatically inaccurate narration style, and voted him, 'Most likely to contribute an article to Cracked.'

Why he's A GREAT BIG PHONY!

History has shown us that educators are apparently the worst judges of ability. Einstein’s lecturers scolded him for wasting their time, and suggested he drop out of school immediately. Likewise, one professor gave J.D. Salinger the distinction of being, "the worst English student in the history of the college." Maybe it's some cosmic form of reverse psychology all geniuses must endure to make cover of TIME magazine.

"Who amounts to nothing now Hiroshima?"

Regardless, Caulfield and Salinger are not coincidentally similar academically. Both were raised in Manhattan and attended a snobby all-boys school in Pennsylvania. By the opening of Catcher in the Rye Holden has already been expelled from numerous prep schools due to disinterest in any subject other than English. Salinger himself failed out of multiple colleges until one Writing prof at Columbia University recognized his talent, and had Salinger's prototypical work published in Stories Magazine. From then on everything turned up Caulfield!

That is, until Salinger's career was trolled by the outbreak of World War II, where he fought at The Battle of the Bulge and was later diagnosed with 'Combat Stress Reaction’ (Or as Patton called it, being a pussy). Holden reflects Salinger's disdain for combat, stating, 'he wouldn't be able to stand going into war and would rather die sitting on the atom bomb.'

Throughout the novel Holden elaborates on several failed attempts at getting into women’s pants. To his chagrin in particular, childhood sweetheart, Jane Gallagher, goes on a date with Holden's popular, sexually experienced, jock roommate Stradlater. Upset that Stradlater probably gave Jane the best porking of her life, Holden labels him a phony and the two fight, with Stradlater winning easily. It is believed Jane Gallagher is a representation of Salinger's first love, Oona O'Neill, whom Salinger wrote to nigh daily while serving. An actress, Oona met and fell in love with an established actor, producer and director many years her senior. Any guesses as to who it could be?

"Oh my God it was Hitler!"

Wait, no it wasn't! That's famous slapstick comedian Charlie Chaplin. Hitler did ruin his mustache, however.

Understandably, J.D. Salinger was no fan of Hollywood. Holden serves as Salinger's mouthpiece on this topic, denouncing his brother, author turned successful movie script writer, as a prostitute. Holden goes on to state:

"In the first place, I hate actors. They never act like people. They just think they do. Some of the good ones do, in a very slight way, but not in a way that's fun to watch. And if any actor's good, you can always tell he knows he's good, and that spoils it."

Fun fact: Of the three attempted/murders Catcher inspired, two victims were actors.

[chadelliottfahlman]

The following is Part 1 of the series '6 Timeless Fictional Heroes (That Are Author Surrogates)', originally written and pitched to the editors of Cracked.com by Chad Elliott Fahlman.

It is a commonly held belief that inspiration is the offspring of alcoholism, and a starving bohemians fevered nightmare - and possibly their pact with Satan.

In truth, an individual subconsciously considers himself or herself to be the most important person on Earth, and therefore his or her life story to contain the most wowing source material. As an aspiring alcoholic under great expectations it puts my mind at ease to know that self-insertion is not reserved only for the likes of Stephanie Meyers! I present to you six authors that have immortalized themselves as fictional heroes - whether you recognize them or not. As a courtesy I have done my best to select novels you were assigned in school, so as to appeal to a widening demographic of infrequent readers (Read: Dumbasses).

#1. Scout Finch

Jean Louise "Scout" Finch is the six-year-old narrator of Harper Lee's, To Kill a Mockingbird, whom has been awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom for her novel. As part of tumblrs initiative to Save on Font (SoF) I am reusing the summary given in my Grade 10 book report.

Why She's a Stand-in for the author

To Kill a Mockingbird is essentially an ad libbed version of Harper Lee's childhood. Remember ad libs? Below I have substituted critical plot points of the novel with historical events.

After fifty years of recirculation Harper Lee has not published another novel, proving her creative reservoir has run dry.

"I have nothing left to steal!"

[chadelliottfahlman]

I used to have a co-worker who was an inherently mean person. All you’d ever hear from her was how stupid everyone else was, and how the people who worked under her were idiots. She was constantly critical of everyone else’s work in an unconstructive way, and the only response she would give to...

[chadelliottfahlman]

[chadelliottfahlman]

Man enuff to repost

I’m sorry for writing poetry about you. You, in the eleventh grade, who tried to let me down by ignoring my calls for a week. You whose lawn I poured my insides out onto by getting sick from too much drink, and then, again, by writing angry poetry about you to ease my embarrassment. You who showed...