chanandlerbongs-blog

[chanandlerbongs-blog]

Don't get stuck

I can see what you're doing. I understand what you're doing... But I dont know... I do know it will be hard for me to some extent... Just how hard I don't know though

But I don't know. I don't know, is it a case of I must be alone at this time, that if I've learned the lessons I won't get stuck, if I haven't learned the lessons I will get stuck? Momentum will be lost, and so will I?

But I don't know, if it's a case of I must be entirely alone, or if it's a case where I may dip my toes in the water, meet people, see places and things. But not to get attached, to let go just in time to re join the current in which my happiness resides.. is that what this is?

[chanandlerbongs-blog]

Realising there is much to be learnt from the "hoe phase". Having recently ended a long term toxic relationship I'm realising there's so much I don't know or Ive forgotten or just don't experience because I spent 6-7yrs committed to the wrong person. I'm sure others opinion of me differs but when I look back at who I was before the relationship to who I am now..I allowed myself to go from a well rounded young woman with the world at her feet to becoming a walking zombie. I can't pin point how it started, but I feel like the young woman I once was had her life sorted and a good head on her shoulders. I used to be a girl with routines, goals, hobbies so much to do I had to be really planful around my time. I used to be someone who loved socialising and being around people... But along the way it changed, I distanced myself from friends because I felt like our values didn't match up. I slowly but surely dropped any hobbies I had so I had no social life and no extra curricular activities. But that was okay with me because staying home and getting high would mean I didn't care about any of that stuff and definitely didn't want to see people. So that's what I did, my world got smaller and smaller my routines, motivation and ambition and I did it all myself. I stopped looking after myself mentally, physically, socially not at all realising the detriment of what I was doing. I thought I'm young that's what young people do waste time doing dumb shit until they're too old to do it anymore.... I thought the fact that I was so responsible and had my shit together was embarrassing. It wasn't until I started seeing a younger man who reminded me of who I used to be that I realised what I had let go of and how that has negatively affected me. He's really inspired me to be better for myself, it's not embarrassing to look after yourself, be well regimented and disciplined... That's what you must do to get what you want...

*Hoe phase because everyone I interact with can teach or show me something new. Help me to understand the world around me.

[chanandlerbongs-blog]

I used to be so productive. I used to resemble some kind of happiness. I used to feel that I could achieve everything I dreamed. I used to enjoy people. I used to be someone else.

Today I'd rather step off the planet every chance I get. Escape. Today everything feels out of reach. Today genuine happiness sounds like a made up story we tell children. Today it feels like everyone hates me. Kindness a long gone characteristic. Today it feels like I will be stuck in this rutt forever.

One day I will settle. One day I will find everything I ever wanted, do the things, make friends, enjoy and feel everything amazing that life has to offer... One day.

[chanandlerbongs-blog]

Do not talk to me about my relationship. Don't talk to me about things you know nothing about.

I get that from the outside looking in it's definitely not perfect, a lil or a lot fucked up in fact. Hell from the inside looking in we know it's not perfect. But what I do know is that this is the person who will be there at the end of the day when you are not. That this person will talk with me about the 100s of things I can't explain to you. That this person will be there after the absolutely horrific arguments. This person knows how and what I need when my emotions become too much. For we are tied together, an invisible rope wrapped around us both. Ensuring that whatever we do, no matter how mad we get or how much we try to leave we will come back together in an unspoken bond of almost unconditional love and commitment. There's this feeling of no matter how much I don't like you right now I know that I love you and I know that you will always be there if I need you.

So don't sit there and judge when the crazy comes out, and believe me it will. Don't sit there and blame him for unleashing the beast when in reality it's me, my beast that is hardest to contain that leaves us both in a heightened state of grrrrrrr. You have no idea what it takes to be in this with me, to be in this with him. We both have our issues, but we know our souls, how to deal and how to help each other.

[chanandlerbongs-blog]

You tell me that I'm strong, and I'm not saying that you're wrong. But it seems patronizing as fuck, to tell me who I am while wishing me luck. Of course I am strong, why do you think I hit the bong? The thoughts in my head won't leave me alone at night in bed. Of course I am strong, would anyone else have stayed this long? You see I am strong for the things unsaid, the messages unsent, the thoughts unread. I am strong for the thoughts I keep inside, the thoughts that I hide. Instead of unleashing my unease, I carry it with me like a disease. My kindness often taken for weakness. I bury my disappointment deep inside, all in the name of being kind. They say it doesn't cost to be kind, no at least not for the monetary mind. But maybe it does, when people's words eat away at you, you see the world in a different hue. But I don't need to stoop to your level, in hate you relish and revel. I am not kind because I simply cannot be anything else. I am kind because the world deserves something else. I am not kind because I am weak. For I am not weak. It takes a certain type of strength to carry others burdens at length. To stop the spread of hurtful words, I find solace with the birds. Rather than spew my anger onto others, I will absorb it and act as a mother. To nurture, to shield, to protect. For this unkindness we must not reflect. For we are strong, and they are the ones who are wrong.

[chanandlerbongs-blog]

Officially today has been 2weeks since my last 🍃 smoke. After curing my new years hangover I felt determined this was something I wanted to do. Don't get me wrong I still love the green stuff, but looking down the barrel of 2023 I knew I didn't want this to be another year like the last few that have passed. I had high hopes for 2022 and unfortunately many of them didn't evenuate. I knew if I was going to create change in my life this would be the most likely way to do it. I decided I owed it to myself to try, to cut the crap and just see what positive changes came out of it. I was tired of feeling guilty, knowing I wasn't giving 100% to my relationships with my family and my closest friends. Knowing that these people loved me, wanted the best for me and wanted more of me in their lives but instead of being there I was always one foot out the door, waiting to get home and rip into the 🍃. Wanting to show up for the people I loved, but presenting in physical form only.

Over this time I've realised I probably have some feelings and healing to face but I guess that's the point, if I don't front up to it then how am I ever meant to move on from it.

Not going to lie the first 3-5 days were the absolute worst with stomach pains, no interest in food, getting to sleep at 3am, waking up dripping with sweat and a touch of anxiety/depression/irritability. But I had a new found determination this time, like I said I owed it to myself to get rid of the crutch, the guilt, the barrier between myself and everyone else and see how things could change for the better.

Since then I've come across a few others online who are going through exactly the same thing, and I can't help but feel maybe there's some kind of universal shift going on. We've decided to wake up, to show up and put what matters most first.

*I'm not saying I'll never have a smoke again, but I want to be in a place where I'm not relying on it daily. I may have a smoke occasionally, but to be honest at the moment I'm too terrified that I'll fall straight back into old patterns. I'm going to leave it for a little while and one day if and when I'm ready I might just have a baby cone on a Friday night.