changinglifewithbpd - Tumblr blog

[changinglifewithbpd]

like seriously

[changinglifewithbpd]

how im taking my days as of now. Considering that the baby shark song is still on the rise. 

[changinglifewithbpd]

start of a new art project

[changinglifewithbpd]

Why I am truly alone.

I know youre not supposed to watch intense shows without someone but i am literally finishing up the fourth season of 13 reasons why after binging the entire series. It has fucked me up. It has made me realize that i am truley alone in this world no matter if i try to look at it from an optimist side. I have gone through everything in my life and i know how i can improve it. But doing all of these things that i need to do, i am realizing that i am going to have to do it all alone. Let me give you my few reasons why i am completley alone in this world. 

#1: No one knows me.

I do not know if this is because I dont let people get to know me, or if i am just that annoying with all my quirks that no one wants to get to know me. I have tried. But it seems im more like a sponge cleaning up water on a rock, trying to get to know someone, i give my all. But if the person moves to fast for my pace or makes me uncomfortable with how things are going i back off too quick because i think i am sheilding myself from getting hurt. It is deffiently involuntary. Growing up in treatment i think i had it down; from opening up right away to trying to make myself comfortable in new, sometimes awkward situations. It has brought a ptsd thought process into my mind that i have the worst groundhogs day night terrors about. It is not that i dont want people to know me because everyone has that small hope of having those close friends. I think it is my brain involuntarily telling me not to make those connections so I can get hurt small now and not so big later. 

#2: No one understands.

When i say this it is also kinda like reason #1. I dont know if its because i have built up the great wall of dont be coherent so you can stay alone, because i truly do not want that. I dont know if it is because i am just super uncomprehendable. I have heard many times in my life that I am a hard person to read. I am a hard person to approach. I have never tried to be that way. But if i tell someone that they can come to me if they feel something is wrong, and then they dont and use the excuse of “I am a hard person to approach” than how is it my fault. Yes i know i am guilty of not reacting the best way in the past but boy am i working on this. So much so that i do want people to talk to me so i can understand them. They dont know, that i dont know that I really dont see my flaws or annoyances sometimes. I am trying to be more self aware but in doing this I have realized more than ever that this is a reason that i am alone. I can not go to anyone either. There is no one that i trust enough to share my feelings to, because i do not know what they are half the time. I mean this. I can feel sad, anxious, angry all at once and dont know why. I can do the skills that i have learned to try and go back to find the “triggering event” but still then I cannot find it, or there wasnt one. This makes it really hard to talk to people. I have the worst suicidal thoughts and i have to live with them alone and work through them alone because no one can take the time to listen and understand that i cant help it. That there may not be a reason. I have found that almost everyone is truly only for themselves. They only help you if it benefits them, and if it gets too hard they will give up. Even family. 

#3: It is hard for me to talk.

If someone asks if anything is wrong, normally the answer is no. That goes for most conversations of that nature. For me it is expecially hard because there may not be a thing that is wrong. Like i mentioned above, sometimes i just feel. I dont want to feel that way. But i do and theres no reason. So if I try to come up to someone and ask them to talk because i am feeling a certain way, it is very hard to put into words anything. Like, anything at all. I think it is my involuntary nature of just wanting that help and not knowing what i need. Maybe i do know what i need but it is hard for me to ask it because of the past and me truly understanding that the person that i am coming to doesnt understand. They just want to do what makes me happy or what they think is the best solution for them so they can move on from the situation. This is why i go silent most the time. The thought of they dont understand so why should i try is really stuck in my head. Even trying to put them into false beliefs and making them more rational thoughts has proven that even though they may care, i have burned the bridge therefore anything i say will just sound like it has for a while. 

#4:No one knows what i like. 

Watching the last episode of 13 reasons why, when they are all in the hospital, even characters that you dont know are there because they were sad that someone who impacted their life is dying. And at the funeral, so many people were there and it made me realize that at this point in my life. I wont have anything near that. I have a big family, thats about all who would show up to the funeral. I would have some of my immediate family at the hospital if i were in that situation to me that means my life hasnt been as it could be. I have never had friends. Not in elementary school, not middle or high school. Even growing up with my two little half sisters they were always closer and even now they are always pushing me away and it hurts. No one knows my favourite anything. No one knows things i hate, or things i love, or little quirks i have, except for maybe my mom but that is besides the point.

I know it may seem that this is a huge pity party for me but i dont want anyone to feel sorry for me. I dont even feel sorry for me. I did this to myself weither i knew about it or not. The brain and feelings are weird things. There are more reasons but its not like anyone is going to read a post this large and i just wanted to get this stuff off my chest so if anything were to happen there would be proof of i tried. 

whatever

[changinglifewithbpd]

What has the world come to?

There was never any peace. There have always been battles to see who is better than the next person; what nation is better than the next nation. Should it really matter. We are all humans, brain washed to feel certain ways about things, but only when it is important to a person us peasants follow, for lack of better words. 

Even in the beginning there was a divide. Between good and evil. But how are we supposed to know the difference. In the Christianity bible, it was said that we weren't supposed to know that there was any evil. But one person ruined it for us all. I think we were always supposed to know about the two forces. Too much of anything is bad, no matter how hard you try to make it good. 

With this divide always being there, was there ever supposed to be world peace? I mean that is what majority of the world wants right? But if that is the end goal than why does everything seem to get us further away for that  I know it is impossible for anyone to have answers to these questions I am about to ask and that is why I disclaim this is for rhetorical, essay like questions asked for the purpose to spark minds to find the real focus on what life is about. I don't know the answers, there is no right or wrong. But it has sparked my curiosity, and if you feel like you have an answer. Please share.

What is the meaning of live? What purpose is there to continue this divide? Have you listened to the other side? But seriously have you listened to their concern? Have you tried explaining your side in a calm way? Have you tried to explain the reason why you feel the way you do? Are you able to be safe having your thoughts and feelings? Why can’t everyone just get along? Why do people refuse to see that we are all here for the same purpose? Why do people refuse to even consider the other side? What is the purpose of compromise? Can there be a solution where everyone wins? Is the only solution out there a lose for the greater good or evil? Why do people take things out of consideration when it inconveniences them? What is racism? What is prejudice? What is stereotyping? Why does any of it matter when the goal is supposed to be the same for all humanity? What is the goal of humanity?

I will leave these here for those who want them. Feel free to add more in the comments.

[changinglifewithbpd]

SMART RECOVERY

looking through my notes of the SR handbook, it has become realevant that I have lost a lot of motivation to do the things that I have wanted to do. It is always good to go back to the beginning, in this case point one of the 4 point system in SR, and start to remember why you started in the first place. 

What are your values? Why are you making these changes in your life? Ask yourself these questions and let that be the motivation for you to continue getting your goals met. 

[changinglifewithbpd]

Battle anyone?

Why does every little thing have to be a battle. Between trying to seem like the smartest to trying to explain to others your opinions and beliefs because they aren’t even the slightest open to accepting another shade of gray, it gets very fucking tiring. What ever happened to just being ourselves and being open with another? Not having to worry about pleasing everyone around you? Lately it just seems that everything that goes on has to come with a vs. tag, representing that two people are being put against eachother either by themselves or those arround them. I am tired. I am really tired. Everyone has to make a comment with their opinion and yes i am guilty of doing so as well but with recent events i am going to try my damned hardest to make sure i keep my mouth shut when i know that my words are not being asked for. Just think about how many things could be better if there wasn’t that competition aspect. You would be able to meet new people and be able to share beliefs and then compare and contrast without having to worry about the other person possibly making you feel smaller because they wont let you have your own beliefs or they say they are wrong and you are selfish for thinking in a certain way. This has happened to me on multiple occasions and boy have i had enough! I just want peace and i want to be fully heard, with no strings attached. 

[changinglifewithbpd]

Keeping busy in COVID

Writers Note: This is also an archieved post like all recently have been. This topic is something that not only pertains to our pandemic but other things like trying to save money by not going out and getting those things you really want to do done but cant seem to stay motivated to do so. I really hope this is a little insight on how to get started with dealing with boredom in this really hard time the whole world is having. 

...

I had a completely different topic for today and that was going to be another behavioral therapy lesson type thing, but since I have found that a lot of people are not working right now due to the coronavirus. So, I decided instead to do another keeping busy during the covid-19 quarantine post. I have found that when you are forced to have so much downtime in a situation like this where you have to stay home all day that it is better to have a list of things to do to keep you busy so you don’t go back to those old habits that you have worked so hard to change. Work is a huge thing to keep someone busy and motivated to keep up with mental health and without being able to go to work, there is so much extra time that causes boredom.  Continuously finding things to do can take more effort than you would think.

 The first few days might be super easy so you can catch up on all of the things that you have been wanting to do but haven’t had the time to do in the past due to all the other things that you would normally be involved in. For example, deep cleaning that kitchen, getting that checkbook balanced, organizing your office and filing systems, or just binge watch that show you are behind on. But once you are all done with that checklist, most people start asking themselves, “what do I do from here?” I have used a “boredom” list for the last year, even when I was drinking, to make sure I was always doing something other than laying down and starting new Netflix shows that I really don’t want to watch. Yes, it is good to get that R&R time but you don’t want to just do the same thing over and over because it will become a habit and you will have that chain of reactions for boredom that may not be the healthiest.

 It is a good practice that you should still stick to your sleep schedule as much as possible. Doing this, it will be easier to get back on that sleep schedule when you eventually go back to work. With not knowing when a lot of us are going to be able to go back to work, and not knowing when you will go back, I cannot express how important this step really is. I have been using the same sleep schedule for about 3 weeks now that I make sure I am up by 10 because I work at 4 most days and I like to have the time to get what I need to be done during the day. I also make sure that I am in bed by midnight so I can get the necessary amount of sleep I need to function the next day. With me not working right now along with some of my housemates, we are all sitting talking of things we can do in those “working hours”. It is almost full chaos because we don’t know what we want to do after a few days except to read a bunch to fill our time. Except for B-momma, she will probs be on Snapchat the entire time.

 With me going to jail tomorrow, we did a deep house clean in our kitchen and some major grocery shopping because, well, it needed to happen. It took a lot of energy out of me just doing those two things. What I am really saying is that you need to keep your mind as stimulated as possible in these times of deep boredom or we really all will become zombies. That would be scary if all of a sudden, zombies started happening.

 Overall, having that extra list of things to do is a good start to any time of extended periods at home. It can be as simple as having a rough daily schedule with things you want to do each day. Like exercise, journal, paint, read, work on blogs, record tictoks or calling/video chatting a friend. It does not have to be a timed hour by hour system but just what you want to accomplish each day plus some extras.

 Having those tools in place will help you keep getting along with your days without getting back into those bad lazy habits. Again it is going to be super difficult at first but it will get easier in time. With the potential of not going to work for a few more months because of this pandemic, it is also good to maybe apply at your local grocery stores that need that extra help stocking and shopping for online pickup orders because they need extra help during this time and hey its extra money other than unemployment.

 So, fast forward to 2 weeks later and there are no zombies yet. I started this post and didn’t finish or post it. I am done with jail now, starting my official quarantine. Jail sucked if you were asking, we were quarantined in there and only allowed out of our room for one hour a day max. My roommate was coming off meth and wouldn’t stop crying. I also couldn’t stop crying for the first few days because I didn’t have my meds. Again, it sucked.

 Now that I have been home since Saturday with nothing to really do it has been difficult to get out of this quarantine depression as I call it. I did go to Home Depot and get some paint remover so I can start my refurbishing project. I think I might need more to just finish this project, getting back to home depot might be a really hard thing to do. So far I have started stripping the paint off the desk (There are over 4 layers of paint in some parts.) and sanding down the extra to make it all smooth because it is not even close right now and I want to do this right. I am not even a quarter of the way through because doing this not only hurts my neck and back but it is just so tedious I don’t want to be doing it for too long. But it is one of those fun projects to work on outside in the nice spring we

 It is super true my quarantine depression has started. I have to do online AA meetings which is literally what I am doing right now as I am writing this. I can stay more focused when I work on multiple things at once. I am also watching Bob Ross videos and researching for another post I am making later on. Living at my oxford house there is a requirement to go to three 12-step meetings a week and since every place is closed and you cannot have more than 10 people together, it has been made available to have these meetings online.

  I think that is enough rambling for this week. I will eventually get this posted, probs tmrw. (Final editing now and it is Wednesday 04/01/20, I have been busy staying busy with other things but I thought it was about time to post this) But for now, it is bedtime and I need to make my list for tmrw. (About to do that tonight but after I rough draft another post, I promise to get back on my schedule asap

[changinglifewithbpd]

My life update before I went to jail for not completing treatment.

These monthly posts will be on just what is happening in my life and how I am reacting to them, whether that be positively or negatively. If it is a negative way, I will go through my thought process after the negative thing happened, to help show you how these different programs in my life are working in a very effective manner.

 Right now, it is 3-12-20 and I am working the door at a music venue that I used to drink at more frequently than I would work. (Hell I used to be addicted to going to every show but I was able to get rid of that addiction.) Sitting here I don’t even want a drink and honestly smelling the alcohol is making me a little sick. Now what I just said is not the complete truth. I DO want to have a drink just to have fun, but I DO NOT want the negative consequences that would come if I had even just 1 drink. This is something new for me because I know one day, I am defiantly going to have another drink. I won’t stay alcohol-free forever, but I will stay in recovery because I will not let alcohol consume my life like I use to consume alcohol. Which is very frequent and very bad. It is new because now I can be in a bar with my friends around and not drink with them and still have fun, as I used to when I was a minor. It is a very good feeling. I now know that I can conquer this and get my life going positively.

 Something that is on my mind though is that I have to go back to jail. I am NOT NOT, NOT! happy about this. I have to go back to jail because I didn’t finish rehab, the reason why I left does not matter. I left treatment, so I have to go to jail for 10 days straight, with no work release, and just sit out my consequence. I think that I am more accepting of it than the people around me because I know that I did it to myself. I wasn’t comfortable at the place I was at, so I left. Yes, I was also really mad and it was a manic episode as well, but that does not change the very obvious fact that I left treatment, and now I have my consequence.

 This situation sucks for two reasons. I just got this new awesome job in a restaurant. It is super fun and easy, but also a challenge for me mentally since it can get super busy and I don’t know how these people react to different situations yet. Therefore, I could step on someone’s toes in the middle of a rush, piss them off and therefore I get mad too, but I can't react to it because I know I need to focus on my work, making sure to get the best product out that I can. With going back to jail, I just don’t know what is going to happen. I hope that my employers can keep me on, even though I am going away for 10 days. Sitting here right now a week before going into jail, not knowing the answer, is causing me a lot of anxiety.

 I have to have a job for many reasons. Like probation, living situation, etc. Losing my job would be stressful, to say the least.  Yeah, it’s my consequence. I accept it fully. I’m still going to have those fears. It is normal to have fears like those. I just keep thinking it is going to be stupid for me to have another job for a week, and then lose it because I am going to jail.

 This situation also sucks because the house I am in is so great. They are offering to have me not pay rent the days that I am in jail. That way I am not setting myself up for failure. I know that the house is struggling with money. I just do not think it is fair since I just moved in to not be paying a week and three days of rent. Yeah, it will be helpful on my side. But it is also going to make me feel bad. Knowing myself, I will probably do some extra things, that I don’t necessarily need to do, to make up for it.

 Also, I am worried about my medication schedule. Getting those situated with the jail is going to be another stressful event. I need to have them ready when I got to jail so I do not go through another relapse. I hope that they will have them ready if I drop them off early. Everyone knows that when I am off my meds, it is not pretty. I have all these worries. Thinking them through now will help me in the long run, but still, it is not a fun thing to deal with.

 Other than that, nothing is new in my life. Between the new living situation, which I think I have touched on already, and the job and jail situation, my life is uneventful. I am happy about it. I like having my days to do what I want, then going to work and getting the exercise that I do helps me sleep at night. I have a way better support system now. I am showing everyone that I am serious about this and that I am going to follow through. As long as it is not impatient treatment. That I will fight to the death of COVID-19 for. (Yes I will mention something about the coronavirus. It is everywhere. I just laugh at this point when I see something new on it.)

 If anyone has any suggestions on getting rid of those bad feelings or has a better thought process technique on how to deal with them (instead of the constant unsteady feeling I have) it would be awesome if you would comment below and share it with those who read this as well. Or send an email to mosquare@yahoo.com if you would like to privately.

 Well, I am making this post short since I am doing the 3-21-20 post in this short amount of time as well so ‘til then have fun until next time.

 Babydoll out.

[changinglifewithbpd]

What is Cognitive Behavior Therapy?

In some other posts I have made, I have said I would go back to certain subjects here and there, and well, I never have. Therefore, these next few posts are going to be super informative on the different therapies I have tried, and how they do or do not work for me. Of course, as a disclaimer, I am not an expert in any of these subjects, but I feel I do know enough about them to give an informal “lesson”, per se, about these topics so they can be understood in a less technical approach. (Which is a bit funny because these are science-based programs and are super technical and fact/science based).

 So, without further ado, let’s get started!

 Today’s topic is CBT or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. CBT is a short term, goal-oriented psychotherapy treatment (big word that means to treat mental disorders with psychology instead of medical treatments) to help change habits and solve problems. CBT is used in a variety of ways. In different sub therapies, to a treatment of its own, it is to help a person look deep into their thinking and thought processes to seek out the negative and replace it with the positive.

 Now when I say that this program is short term, I am not saying that it is going to happen overnight, because it won’t. It can take up to a year to successfully change a behavior in a manner that works for you. And that is just one behavior, you can use this therapy forever if you wish to keep changing different habits and behaviors as they come along. Also, just because a skill or technique didn’t work for one addictive behavior, does not mean that it won’t work on a different behavior that you want to change. One thing that may not work for one behavioral modification could be a mind-blowing situation for something else in your life that you want to change as well.

 Having using DBT (Dialectal Behavioral Therapy) and REBT (Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy) that both use the CBT (to be extra, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy if you forgot already) as a base this approach, of changing habits by replacing feelings and urges with new positive ones, has really helped me change the majority of my bad habits and turn them into positive ones.

 To go more on how this technique is used to change those behaviors, I need to go more into the format of the chain of reactions. (I just made that term up; I am sure that there is a more technical term, but this is what helps me remember it better. Also note; that a lot of my terminology may not be completely accurate because I need to remember things in my way, or they might not stick. Try it! Also, disclaimer the rest of this post is the “thought skeleton” that CBT uses frequently to help its persons using the therapy change their thought process.)

 There are 4 stages in the chain of reactions. You have your event, trigger, urge and the follow through. Say that you work as a chef or as a retail associate or think about a job that you cannot control everything. You come in to open your business and everything is a mess. The place is dirty in all aspects possible. You are angry as all can be, because now you are behind on everything for the day. Customers are angry because you are behind, and this just pisses you off more. That is the event. The trigger is that feeling you have, that anger and stress. Having that is not something fun to deal with on a personal level. Then you tend to want to replace that feeling with something else, which brings us to the urge.

 The “urge” is that strong desire or impulse, to replace those feelings of not wanting to feel that certain way, or even wanting to feel a certain way because of the trigger. Because you were so angry and stressed at work all day you just wanted to go to the bar and “drown out” those feelings as some people say, or “just feel good for a little bit” as others do. That is a negative urge when it comes to this situation, especially for the alcoholic, because that is using a mind-altering substance to temporarily push away those feelings instead of dealing with them head on.

 Using the methods in different CBT approaches can help take this urge and turn it in to something else so your follow through can be a more positive one than negative. You have 2 choices when that urge comes about, you can dive right into it and get drunk and just forget for a little while. Doing this will just temporarily numb the situation to near nonexistence for just the night. The other choice is using that CBT to recognize that you are angry and stressed. Recognize that you want to go get a drink or two to numb the pain, but in all reality, you know that it will still be a problem after those drinks and when you wake up tomorrow. Therefore you choose to do something else for your follow through, like journal or read a book, exercise or lay on the couch and binge watch your favorite show so you can have some happy laughs or good stress, as I call the dramas. You could even talk to someone else about your problem and help work out ways to help approach it better. Or sit down and write blog entries like I do. Anything works if it is helping to defeat the problem. You may think that reading a book or exercise will not help the situation but boy does it ever when you are mad thinking about it, you involuntarily start brainstorming ways to fix them and now you just have to find the good ones and start thinking of ways to be productive instead of harmful.

 Like I said this is a short-term based therapy, but it will not happen over-night. Starting to think about your feelings and emotions on a deeper level and starting to understand why you are feeling them, and then understanding why you have those urges because of those triggers and such takes a lot of time. I also do not know if any of this is making any sense to you guys so please let me know in the comments if you need more clarification on a subject or anything really.

 This is just one example of the many things that CBT can help you do. Changing that thought process from: this happened and I feel this way, so I want to do this, and then actually doing it; to well this happened and I feel this way because… and then knowing that it is going to be healthier to act in a safe manor than destructive manor will take some time. Like for me it took a lot of time. But doing this has not only helped me with drinking but also biting my nails and running away from all my problems. (Because I tend to flight instead of fight.)

 Being that this really is just one example of the help CBT has helped me with there will be a lot more examples I will make on how this was truly life changing to me. It has to do with my opposite action, that I swear by, and different DBT and SMART Recovery skills and tools that I have used to help me through all my recovery and self-discovery.

 I think that is enough for this week. I will be posting my Wednesday 3-18-20 post early as well and may throw in another post that was supposed to be for next Saturday the 21st since I must go back to jail for a punishment for not completing rehab. I will go more into that on that Wednesday life update post 😊

 Until then, have a good time ‘til next time!

[changinglifewithbpd]

Old things to New

Writers Note: I had this idea of sectioning out when and what I would post and it just got to be way too much. I like having a little bit more freedom in my writing because I maybe not be feeling that topic that day. There have been so many times that I have a topic that I ‘needed’ to write and it would take me forever to write it because I didn't feel inspired. I really hope that with the new thing that I am trying it will be more helpful not only for myself but others as well. Down below is what I had started when I really wanted to be more structured and it may work in a lot of different ways to putting those structures and therapies in your life so find a new way to make old habits work in healthier ways is kinda what I am trying to say. 

...

Starting today I will post about Behavioral Therapy. Either CBT as a whole or DBT as a specific therapy. I will be skipping this first Wednesday and next Saturday we will move onto SMART Recovery topics. For both, I will be going into different categories and topics explaining skills and exercises that have worked for me and how I made them work for me.

Mini blogs every other Wednesday will be based on a Life Update every month because writing updates every week would be not a lot to go from. I mean I probably won't even post them every single other Wednesday for the reason being who wants a day by day (or in this case week by week) updates on me soon to be a way more boring life. I will use that other Wednesday as an open day to either do a Life Update or touch on a subject more or just for fun like how I organize my blog and life or crafts I am working on for becoming the best organizer I can be.

The next 2 Saturdays will be used for New Things to Try and Stay Organized. With these, I will share something new I am trying for the month that has either worked for me or didn't work for me for I am always up for trying something new. This is where my readers come in. Anything that you guys comment below will be taken to heart and I will try my hardest, no matter my mindset, to try and make it work. I hope that opening the forum to chats and such will help everyone reading get something out of this.

Now the last category that I will be using is Stay Organized. Here I will touch on how I am currently staying organized and how it is working for me. I have gotten a lot of questions on my zero-balance budget and how I bullet journal to keep everything on track in my life. Sharing this with you guys will be super fun and again any suggestions that you guys have I will try and make sure I try because maybe it will help someone here too.

So, without further ado, let us get this going.

Again, if there are any questions or suggestions go ahead and comment or email me at squirrels.awesome@yahoo.com and I will get right back to you to share any expertise I have on the subjects I use or comment on suggestions.

See y'all next week!

[changinglifewithbpd]

I really want a yorkie but I am not in the position to have one yet so please enjoy this googled image of a really cute yorkie for now until I can get mine :)

[changinglifewithbpd]

Anyone else feel like this right now? with so much going on its hard to figure out the best way to go about things...

I don’t even know why I’m trying to hold on to any happiness anymore; there’s none left anyway.

[changinglifewithbpd]

Why I left Rehab

So I made it 15 days at rehab. . .

 It was ok, I learned some things, but it got to be a lot of malarkey at the end. Between the staff trying to alter your views on a topic and male staff getting away with sexual harassment, it was just time for me to leave. I know I could have handled myself way better than I did that night I left, but my Borderline Personalities Disorder is something that I will always struggle with. I had a manic episode and, freaked out on the said male staff member that was getting away with sexual harassment, and wouldn't let anyone talk to me because my mind was made up that I was leaving.

 I lost sight of any part of my rational mind and fell in too deep with my emotional mind. I was telling myself that I was trapped, that I was not being heard. It felt that certain people who I thought were supposed to be listening to me and were supposed to be helping me in a certain way weren’t listening to what I wanted or thought was best for me. It felt that they were just doing what the state was telling them to do, with no care to what I was feeling at all.

 The day started good, I was keeping up with going to groups and was being more involved than I normally would have been. I was talking to the Care Management team about aftercare and that's about when it all started. My assigned counselor asked to see us, both the care manager and I, so we went from recommending a sober living oxford house with an outpatient service, which would have help put on that extra structure that she and I both knew I needed, to a more treatment based sober living home that I knew wouldn’t work for me. I had mentioned to her before that my probation officer had wanted me to go to this treatment sober living house where I would have to put my life on hold even longer and wouldn’t have been able to get back to work for a longer time. My counselor when we first talked about this treatment sober living house also thought it also wouldn’t be a good fit at the time.

 Now, suddenly, when she called the care manager and I in, she says that because of my track history, she was now going to recommend the treatment sober living house that I absolutely didn't want to go to. I didn’t want to go not only because of not only the petty selfish things, like having a cell phone and no contact with men who are most of my friends, but because of the success rate being super low and other things I had heard about the program. Now granted that my mind was already pretty much made up, I decided that I was going to keep an open mind towards this treatment sober living house and still go to an screening for it and such. That way I could really get a feel off the place instead of just going off what had been told to me through the vine. I told both the counselor and care manager my concerns and why I thought the regular sober living house would have been better in my opinion, but that I would investigate the treatment one and still follow through to the best of my ability.

 Now one thing about this treatment house was that they are 12-step based and I am not too keen on 12-step programs for several reasons. But besides that, I had found another recovery program that I liked and was already using skills and tools from SMART Recovery before I even knew what it was. I knew that SMART Recovery was going to work for me with how my mind works, and it is not a 12-step based program. I will go more into that on another post, which I am doing extensive research on and plan to do it in a series, but using SR was something I strongly was persistant on and I had not seen the 12-step benefits for myself. Going to a primary 12-step program was not something that I wanted to do, but keeping an open mind proved harder than I thought.

 Anyways, I was feeling that I just got hit with a ton of bricks. One day my counselor was telling me one thing and the next she was telling me something different. Unfortunatly, this was not the first time that this had happened. She also did it with my diagnosis of BPD, saying that she was almost certain that I did not have Borderline Personality Disorder, and then turning around the next day and saying that my BPD is my biggest downfall. It was very confusing. It left me in a funk for the rest of the night. I did my best to stay positive and kept going to groups. I was trying to stay as open-minded and in the middle of rational and emotional mind. I was doing my absolute best to take everything into consideration. I started a CBA or Cross Benefit Analysis, which is also called a pros and cons list, on both the treatment place and non-treatment place. I was looking up reviews and stories of the place, and tried to get a informed on it before a screening was set up for me.

 Later in the night, while doing groups and just free time, that male staff that I was getting away with sexual assault was working that night and it seemed that every corner I turned, he was there staring at me. I had been looking at a poster, and when I stepped back, his chest was against my back. Less than 6 inches which is too damn close. I asked him what why he was so close and he said he was reading that poster too. I hurried away and went along with my day. Then he was just staring at me and my roommate for what seemed like hours throughout the evening. We even noticed him pacing back and forth in our doorway every couple of minutes. We were not happy. But the evening went on.

 My roommate was amazing. She knew that I was feeling trapped and unheard and she helped me work through those problems of aftercare I had. It was the end of the night where we were all starting to wind down from the day when the creepy male staff started being even more creepy and was starting to get on everyone’s nerves. Everyone knew that he was not all there in the head, maybe from drugs because he was a former addict or from being dropped as a baby. Who knows really?

 We were all calmly listening to music. Laughing but not too loudly or obnoxiously, all talking and helping each other work through our problems because it was like a family there. That was just what we did. Then creepy male staff turned off the music and was like “no more music, it’s time for self-reflection” which to every other staff, and individuals there meant free time before bed. Some of us were listening to music to help us calm down. We had a fireplace on the TV already and we're all relaxing, and just having that music off immediately tensed up the place because it was "stupid" that music was not considered a "good thing" for self-reflection time.

 So, we went on and I was still struggling with the thought on going to this treatment place, and another individual and I started throwing a small bean bag back and forth while talking it out. (Throwing or rolling a ball or small soft object is proven to help with concentration and keeping mind involved in the conversation and is also a great coping tool to use in silence and mindfulness, which I happened to be one to utilize both of those) We were calmly, quietly, out of the way of people and if people were walking through we were courteous to them and creepy male staff told us to stop throwing it. That's  where completely I lost it. It seemed like he was targeting a small group of people that were the main people that me and my roommate hung out with. It just didn't sense. Now, I know that there could be some underlining reasons as to why he was doing what he was doing, but at the same time other staff were rolling their eyes too. We just stayed out of it because us individuals were supposed to listen to staff no matter the direction was. We stopped throwing the ball and I was starting to get into my head. I was trying to stay calm and everyone was trying to keep me calm but I decided I was going to be a smart-ass and find the rule where it said no throwing things. There wasn't one.

 When another individual and I were looking for this rule on the rule wall, we were just standing and reading other posters. That creepy male staff followed us, we were by another staff and other individuals. Creepy male staff told us to keep walking, and that we "couldn't be there alone". We weren't alone even a little bit. And that is when I turned into asshole mode. I blurted out that there was no rule about no throwing things, in a mostly calm way. Creepy male staff then stopped, turned around and that is the exact moment that my BF started. If you do not know what a BF is watching White Chicks and you will find out.

 He told me that if I had a problem with it, that me and creepy male staff could talk it out in the office. There was no way that I was going to go into that office with him, and I said so. Then proceeded that he could have other females in there with us and that wasn't even what the problem was. I could have been fine with the other male staff there, but I just didn't want to talk to him. I asked him to please go away so I could calm down and apparently my voice tone was not to his liking. He continued to pester on and that is when my voice tone was not to anyone's liking. I was trying to stay as calm as I could so I wouldn't kick this guy in the jaw, and since he kept on going, I was just getting even more angry.

 I finally said fuck it! That was when my mind was set on leaving. Called my mom, she wouldn't pick me up. I called my sister and she wouldn't pick me up. Now I was on 16th street about 7-10 blocks north of the main street and I live on 192nd St about 10+ blocks south of the main street. And I decided I was leaving no matter what. Everyone was trying to talk me out of it, but there was no way I was staying due to being that deep in an episode. My mind was not able to be persuaded to change.

 I left. Walked many blocks and miles to downtown, not a lot but a lot when you have 3 bags with you it seems endless. I went straight to my old stomping ground, and started asking if anyone could give me a ride and I will throw them $20. Some wonderful lady passed it on to me and just got me a lyft and I was on my way home.

...

This is everything that happened and there is little to no regret that I did this. I still have my plan and I will follow through with it and prove to everyone that I am serious this time and will not fail.

 Thank you for reading if you did and Next time I will go over the next stressful part that I had which was dealing with my family :)

 But for now, this is Babydoll signing off to go work out some details to my plan

[changinglifewithbpd]

Mindfulness: How to keep it

Writers Note: As it says below this was started in treatment and finished after. Keeping Mindful is a difficult thing I still deal with. But this is how I got started with being more mindful. 

So, when I wrote this entry I had been in rehab/treatment for a week. One thing that I had to do right away was open my thoughts and feelings super quick about all my issues and problems. I thought that opening like that right away was going to be super beneficial to help me get as much help as I could get, in the shortest amount of time possible. Boy did that plan fail.

 I did not fail in a super bad way, but bad enough to where I burned out quickly, and I was having to skip entire groups just to get myself refocused, or to get rid of an overload headache. I had fried my brain in 6 days, leading me to have to take a full day of groups to re-energize myself. Even staff just let me go when I needed it, me being burned out was noticeable.

 I never had time for myself. It was one group followed by another. Like seriously! They want us to stay mindful and engaged all day, every day. It got to be too much. I was used to having so much time to myself in jail and at home. When I ended up going all-in, all it did was make me irritable. All I wanted to do was escape.

 After I took the very much needed R&R time, I really re-evaluated my plan. I choose that I was going to be more open and mindful. I choose to do more grounding exercises to make sure I could stay calm, focused and invested in my treatment.

 LEARNING TIIIIMEEE!!!!!

 So, mindfulness is the balance of using your emotional mind and rational mind. I struggle with this a lot having that BPD. It is a DBT goal to achieve and always be working on. The true definition of mindfulness is intentionally living with awareness in the present moment. I was not doing that. Now, to have that awareness in the present moment is to also be present while not judging, rejecting or with an immediate or long-term attachment to the moment. Having a cognitive behavioral approach has really helped me with that. CBT is a short-term, goal-oriented psychotherapy treatment that takes a hands-on, practical approach to problem-solving. The overall goal is to change the patterns of thinking or behavior that are behind people's difficulties and therefore change the way they feel. (Source: psychcentral.com) This technique is used to get your mind into new thinking patterns to help everything work together without you really noticing it at first.

 I still do all the DBT stuff that I have found to work, and I am trying new things as well often. Staying in one-mindfulness is one thing I have been trying to do since my manic episode the other day. DBT is a good thing, especially to do by yourself. One mindfulness especially is something I have been working on because of all the stress I put on myself for leaving treatment early.

 One mindfulness is about that bringing yourself into the moment. Count tiles, replay what just happened in your head to really embrace it, really anything to put you more into that moment. It is hard for me to explain since I know that everyone has different things that they do. But forcing myself to be in the moment has made me more aware of not only what is going on in my life and feelings but what others are feeling and dealing with as well. This could be helpful in difficult situations. It helps me say associated and non-anti-social. I was about as disassociated as I could be and doing what I could to be in the moment was really helping me.

 Multitasking has also helped me. Doodling or taking notes helps me get all invested in what was happening. I will continue to do this for it has worked. Right now, I'm writing this while watching a movie, doing research, and on Facebook, talking about puh-terodactyl screeches and how they have become a part of the daily routines of mine. It helps me stay focused, and feel important to multitask, even when doing simple tasks.

 Alright, that is all I have for now! Until next time!

[changinglifewithbpd]

Keeping Busy: I hate boredom...

Writers Note: Before I went to treatment I really did not have a lot to do. Basically I was staying with my parents and had just gotten out of jail, wasn't working, and didn't really have anywhere to go other than online gaming and the occational hangs. These posts will be less common later on as I dig deeper into what all the treatments and things that I have been working on (including a workout challenge series) Again, these are just things that I had been doing when I didn't have a job or anything to keep me busy but it is important that I was doing healthy things instead of going back to drinking everyday. Here we go for Keeping Busy Post #4...

Oh, my goodness. I know it has been a few days since I have written but I have been trying to stay as busy as I can. I have had a cold for the past few days. Just all the new environment sickness. So, between cleaning and getting better here are some of the things I have been doing to keep myself sane.

 Painting: I used to paint a lot when I was younger. A lot of abstracts to really express how I was feeling like any emo girl would do. I have always had the talent to be creative and more artistic, as well as good at sports and cooking and baking and anything that I had put my mind to. So, I thought a fun thing to do would be to start doing some of the old things that would make me happy in the past, again. I am currently working on a watercolor that my mind sees differently than what is coming through my hand but is still looking awesome. Even concentrating on the small details that I am trying to work into it is really relaxing. It puts me in a better mood after I am done working on a small part of it. Watercolor allows me to make mistakes and fix them a bit easier than acrylic or oil. Though I have never worked with oil paints, I think they would be fun. If I want to change a part of the painting, I have the leeway to do so. All I must do is soak the spot I want to redo with water and just wipe it away. It is making me feel more at ease, to work on this project, especially with everyone on edge at my house.

 Something that really hurt me lately is that someone I was very fond over got into a relationship with another girl. It through me through the wringer. It sucks and even over a week later I can still cry over it. I have been trying to keep myself super busy because of that. I have been organizing the shit out of everything that I can get my hands on. I cannot wait for taxes because I will be organizing my stuff better, as well as my Mothers things. It will be a long-awaited gift for her.

 I can finally walk in my room, which is the basement family room, where my mom keeps her craft and other such items of the sort, and not step over things constantly. Finally got down our little Christmas tree that was down there, as well as about 5-6 storage totes and emptied a couple of random baskets that had become junk drawers. There is still so much to be done as well as find room for other things. I hope to design a nice little craft area as well as storage for it all by mixing mine and her things, so I have an excuse to come over when I finally move out.

 I have baked a lot this week. A cake and banana bread from scratch! Super fun being in the kitchen again. Cleaning up is easier too since more people are doing their part. Cooking more homecooked meals instead of frozen crap. And even though easier, the cleaning part of that can be relaxing.

 My birthday was a bust, so that is why I didn't start with that. Oh well! Nobody likes you when you're 23 anyway. If you do not get the reference, I am sorry for you. My mom did make me a shirt with that quote on it. You could say I was very happy for that little moment.

 I can't seem to run out of things to do and that is very good for me now. It makes me forget things and/or feel better about them. I start DBT again on Monday, so I am excited about that. Just waiting on that bed in treatment so I can get the ball rolling on everything that I want to do.

 Comment below if you think of anything that helps you cope and why or how you do it. Talk to you guys again soon!

[changinglifewithbpd]

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