chaospile-system - Tumblr blog

[chaospile-system]

Bouncing back and forth between “i don’t wanna be alone” and “i want to isolate myself” is quite the wild ride.

But incase you weren’t aware, these are both ways a fear of abandonment can show itself.

[chaospile-system]

[chaospile-system]

I feel like a Puppy, left at the shelter with all the unwanted dogs, just because it barked too often.

What no one saw is, that the Puppy only barked because he was afraid. Afraid of loosing what meant the world for that lil pub.

And the moral of the story?

I never want to love again, yet I can't stop missing feeling safe in the same arms that now abandoned me.

"I never want to see you again"

Well, I dont wanna see me again either.

It's easier to stay lonley than getting attached just to be abandoned again and again.

Should I give up on love?

What's left to life for then?

[chaospile-system]

Ich will nicht mehr leben. Ich tu allen nur weh, selbst denen die ich am meisten liebe. Ich will tot sein damit ich niemandem mehr weh tun kann. Ich bin ein Monster und schaffs nicht mich zu ändern. Bitte, kann mich wer töten und es wie ein Unfall aussehen lassen damit mein Vater und Freund nicht allzu enttäuscht sind? Bitte. Ich halt das nicht mehr aus.

[chaospile-system]

✨ My emotions rn in lyrics ✨

[chaospile-system]

- Moderator (they)

hello alter thats obsessed with organizing and labelling everything. we give you the gift of not knowing shit about the system

[chaospile-system]

Argh that's too relateable, wish we could give any tips but we're in a similar situation 😅 how you discribe your fronting&switching is similar to ours. Our conclusion was that I must be a shell alter, but now I have to overthink that again.

It's hard to heal from trauma you can't remember or don't have an emotional connection to and it's even harder to not wanna dig deeper into it. I totally feel that. Patience is the key, you will know if your headmates think you are ready for it. Till then try to build trust in each other and maybe try to make a map which alter has good communication with whom. Maybe it can help to maybe find sub/side-systems plus it can help with communication.

- Moderator & Oliver & idk who else, this message was a group project /hj

Still wondering whether this is DID, OSDD, or polyfragmented. (Long rant ahead, sorry)

Like, are we (the “frequent fronters”) a sub- or side system? Because we share most memories and have mostly non-possessive switches. And it seems like none of us remember the “worse” trauma. Some of us hold the emotional memories, but still don’t seem to remember stuff I don’t. Obviously they could be hiding what they know from me.

Anyways, I feel like there’s a lot hidden still. And I don’t know if it’s a side system or just a couple alters that aren’t ready to be acknowledged yet. But it just feels like whoever is in charge is hiding in the dark.

It’s really just a feeling and I don’t want to read too much into it. I just see posts about polyfragmented systems and I have no clue if we fit the criteria.

I just feel so fake because I don’t lose time very often, and I feel like my own memories are just as blurry as memories that belong to other alters from when they fronted.

I guess I’m just worried that we’re never gonna heal because there’s stuff hidden. I kinda expected an alter to just take my hand and explain everything to me, but that hasn’t happened. And like I don’t want to be polyfragmented, I don’t want things to be more complicated. I’d love to just have a clear, relatively short alter list. But I can’t help but feel like I’m not getting the whole story.

Like I’m not expecting to be shown super traumatic memories, it’d just be nice for someone to be like, “I know what’s going on. I know how our system works and why it exists.”

Everyone I’ve met seems just as clueless as me. So have I not met everyone? (I know I haven’t, I wrote down over 40 names and only actually know like 10. I don’t even know if all the names are alters or whether someone was just messing with me and saying random names)

I think, not knowing what kind of system we are, or what kind of trauma we have (in addition to the minor stuff I remember), just worries me. What am I missing. And again, how do I heal from something I (and every alter I know) don’t remember? How do we process trauma that none of us have memories of? I can only guess at what’s traumatized us, and I wish whoever holds the memories could get the therapy they deserve. But they��re not ready I guess.

[chaospile-system]

"who am I and if yes, how many?" 😂

- we, constantly blurry with a crowded front where the ppl in co-con jump in and out of front all day long

I basically just have “no clue what the fuck is going on” syndrome. Who am I? Who knows. Am I a different alter from who fronted yesterday? A month ago? No fucking clue. Petition to just name all of us “me” for convenience.

[chaospile-system]

🌍 System Introduction 🌍

💬 Name: Chaospile System

🪪 collective pronouns: they/them

🎂 Body's age: 24

🖊 Diagnosis: DID, Autism, ADHD, depression, anxiety

👥 Alter count: 18 we know a name of

🚫 Do not interact: racists, abelists, homo&transphobes, endos, tulpas, irl's etc. (questioning systems & interested singlets are welcome)

⤵️ keep reading for frequent fronters ⤵️

🪐 Frequent fronters 🪐

Name: Moderator

Age: 22

Role: Moderator (always there)

🌒 🌓 🌔 🌕 🌖 🌗 🌘

Name: Oliver

Age: 21

Role: Host (usually there)

🌒 🌓 🌔 🌕 🌖 🌗 🌘

Name: Dan

Age: 16

Role: depression symptom holder & social alter

🌒 🌓 🌔 🌕 🌖 🌗 🌘

Name: Lynn

Age: 17

Role: anorexia symptom holder & studying alter

🌒 🌓 🌔 🌕 🌖 🌗 🌘

Name: Zora

Age: 14

Role: verbal protector

🌒 🌓 🌔 🌕 🌖 🌗 🌘

Name: Matthias

Age: 300?

Role: Protector & horny boy vampire

🌒 🌓 🌔 🌕 🌖 🌗 🌘

[chaospile-system]

We have a little who's a dragon and I sometimes try to imitate her "rawr" sound but I'm unable, idk how she does it, I mean, we share the same vocal chords??? 😂

- Oliver (he/they)

One of the most validating things you can do as a system is try to act like one of your alters, you will very quickly realize you can’t, because it’s just not you. So whenever you need a validation boost, turn on a camera so you can look back on it, and then pick one of your alters and pretend to be them for a few minutes. It’ll look stiff and awkward and not quite right. Because it’s not them.

This tip has been from Apollo. Goodnight people’s