charlottesconfessions

[charlottesconfessions]

Quasi-relapse?

I started taking antidepressants a little over a month ago for the first time in yeeeeaaars. 

Before I started taking them I would cry for no reason, I was either numb or angry and I was feeling suicidal. But I didn’t focus that much on my weight and food, not compared to what I used to. Now that I’ve been on these antidepressants for a while all I do is think about food and losing weight. For the past 3 weeks I have exercised for 3 hours every.single.day and I have lost about 11 pounds which I’m very happy about, but I’m not doing everything I can to lose weight, and sometimes I even sabotage my weight loss by eating unhealthy food like I did tonight.

AND IT IS BOTHERING ME SO MUCH THAT I CAN’T STOP MYSELF FROM DOING IT.

Like I feel such a strong urge and need to lose weight and I do great allll day but then at some point I sabotage myself. It doesn’t happen every day but it still kills me.

And I know that I get strong cravings because I’m depriving myself(I KNOW THAT OK), but I used to be so good at losing weight FAST. I think a part of me is scared to lose “too much” too fast because I know it will destroy my family and my boyfriend if they think I’m in a full blown relapse which I guess is why I have been in this quasi-relapse state of mind.  I just hate seeing the number stand still. I just want to be thin again.

[charlottesconfessions]

So...

I have no idea why I decided to make this blog. When I was about 15 I made a blog here on Tumblr and at first it was all cute pictures of animals and cupcakes, but then it turned dark. I started posting all black and white, depressing quotes and pictures of my skeletal, dying body.  I gained thousands of followers when I started on my “recovery journey”, and people looked up to me and told me what an inspiration I was. People sent me messages saying I had saved their life. I even went to visit one of my followers while she was inpatient. It was the most surreal experience of my life. Both of my blogs (charlottegivesadvice and healthycharlotte) were deleted about 1-2 years ago and I haven’t thought about making a new one... until right now. Healthycharlotte was about how amazing recovery was and how everything ‘gets better’.  This time I’m going to be real, raw and honest.